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Marathon Jokes

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

I finally crossed running a marathon off my bucket list

No chance I was ever going to do it, glad it’s gone.

I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden...

I realised that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

I was asked to run today's London marathon.

I said I'm flattered but I don't believe I could organise such a big event.

Why are priests bad at marathons?

Because they always come in a little behind

“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.

Last year I entered the New York City marathon.



The race started, and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied, "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.<...

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Did you hear about the Scandinavian guy that loved participating in marathons?

He was clearly Bjorn to run

24-year old Tai Jinhai came in first during the Beijing Marathon, but they gave the gold medal to the son of a prominent party official instead.

To this day, the Chinese government refuses to acknowledge Tai won.

There is a running joke among marathon runners ...

... that has even won some medals.

Never again giving money to those marathon charities

They took my money and ran away with it.

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I'm training for a marathon by running 10 miles every day in my basement.

I'll run rings around my opponents.

Injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day

Got up too fast after watching the third film

A guy named Ryan Edit won first place in a marathon.

Race director: Here you go, these are for you.

Very proud to have just finished my 7th Marathon in 7 days

Or Snickers as they are now called

You can paint a thousand paintings and not be called an artist...

You can run a thousand marathons and not be called an athlete...

You can cook a thousand meals and not be called a chef.

But as soon as you kill ONE PERSON...

My coworker is asking for donations for his charity marathon

But I’m afraid he’s just going to take the money and run

The New York City Marathon

Is really just a bunch of people running away from Staten Island.

What’s the best country to run a marathon in?

Iran.

Why did the cannibal go to the marathon?

He wanted some fast food

What is a marathon runner doing when he starts a marathon in Russia that ends in Finland?

Russian to Finnish.

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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. As he rested afterwards, he felt a bit guilty...

He thought it wasn't ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so it's not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel much better until another voice in his head said, "..... but they probably ...

I've run over 20 marathons

Still can't get the blood completely off of my front bumper

Two birds are in a marathon...

(joke best read aloud!)

Two birds are in a marathon...

They are by far in first place so rest on a bench in a park. The first bird sees some chips in car just sitting there.

Excitedly, he points it out to the second bird, "Hey there's some chips in that car!"

The second b...

I didn't run a marathon in 2018.

I didn't run a marathon in 2019.
I didn't run a marathon in 2020.
I've never run a marathon in my life.
...
This is a running joke.

Did you hear about the blind guy who took mushrooms then ran a marathon?

Dude was trippin.

I've decided that COVID isn't going to stop me running the London marathon in 2022.

It'll be unfitness and apathy, same as usual.

Waking up after three years in a coma, a man decided to run in a marathon.

He didn’t win, but he still got atrophy.

Why can’t a priest win a marathon?

Because he always comes in a little behind.

Hello welcome to today’s Communist marathon...

On your Marx....

How to run a marathon?

Step 1,Step 2, Step 3

I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity

I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.

My favorite part of a marathon is...

My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

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A man was having an affair with a married woman.

The man had a romantic evening at her place and were about to have sex. Suddenly there is a knock at the door.

The woman tells the man “My husband is here. Collect your clothes and get out from the window.”

The man did not have time to get dressed and he is naked outside on the road an...

I once ran three marathons in one week.

They're not that hard to organize if you have experience.

I don’t win Marathons because I’m lucky



I win because I’m driven.

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Nude marathon

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” “I can’t jump o...

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer

the agony of defeat.

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My grandfather used to run marathons.

Every year while he was in his 20's and 30's, he'd go and participate in the local run. There was a guy who showed up every year, didn't even live in the town. Bit creepy, to be honest, but an alright guy. Anyway, he'd walk up to my grandfather, every year, in these same green sunglasses. He'd tell ...

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I saw a prostitute running a marathon today

she was full of spunk

Where did the Swedish marathon end?

The Finnish line

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

What were Pheidippides (the marathon soldier) last words?

My feet are killing me!

So there was a marathon in Sweden...

...that went all the way to the eastern border. I guess you could say the race ended at the Finnish line.

I ran a marathon for charity

At the end, I had raised enough for a cab ride home

Why don't cows do well in marathons?

Their calves get tired.

I don't know why they run marathons in Germany....

They have a history of not finishing races.

I was thinking of running a marathon

But I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.

What do you call a Spanish marathon runner?

Ricardio

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The naked runner

A couple of lovers were in the midst of action in bed when suddenly they heard a noise at the door. The woman panicked and said to her lover, 'My husband, my husband is here! Jump out of the window!'

Without thinking twice, the lover jumped naked out of the window and landed in some bushes. H...

Training for a marathon can be hard work

But it'll be good for you in the long run.

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What's difference between Hitler and the Boston Marathon Bomber?

The bomber successfully stopped a race

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I’ve decided to stop giving blowjobs during marathons.

I’m just not a fan of running gags.

My petite girlfriend entered a marathon and thinks she can win...

I told her she’s got no chance cuz she’s always just running a little behind.

How do you know if someone runs marathons?

Don’t worry, they’ll freakin’ tell you!

What do you call a marathon of people named Aaron?

Running Errands

I have started eating McDonalds after deciding to run a marathon.

I need some fast food

I'd hate to run a marathon

They just look so hard to organise

I'd like to thank the girl with no sports bra, who ran with me for the last few miles of the marathon.

Your lack of support got me through.

I’m binge-watching this show and they keep doing bits about marathons

Guess it’s some sort of running joke

Seriously do not mess with a marathoner

They run the streets.

BREAKING - Paul McCartney disqualified from London Marathon

He was banned on the run.

I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson.

I'm not sure which race yet.

Why didn’t the programmer win a marathon?

He had a runtime error

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What do Hitler and the Boston Marathon victims have in common?

Neither of them could finish a race.

Do you want to hear a joke about the Boston Marathon?

Never mind. I'll never finish it.

My girlfriend broke up with me after we did a marathon.

I’m pretty heartbroken, but we had a good run.

What types of marathons do racist people run?

Only 3ks

A man in Terhan finished a marathon.

A fellow entered the state marathon, in Terhran. The runner suprised everyone by finishing in record time. With great curiosity, the judges and government asked how he could possibly finish in such a speedy time. The man, humbly, responds with...

'Iran.'

Warning: Police are on the lookout for an overweight man who did not pay his entrance fee to the Boston Marathon.

He is believed to be still on the run

Did you hear Han Solo will be running next years London Marathon?

He says he reckons he'll be able to finish in less than 26 miles

When is the best time to run a marathon?

During Lent. That's when you fast.

What’s the difference between Karen in a marathon and an intellectual dwarf?

One is a cunning runt.

What does the winner of the Boston Marathon lose?

His breath.

We’re always making fun of our friend who threw up during a marathon

It's a running gag

The 50 states and DC each send their fastest runner to compete in a marathon...

The route they are running takes them around Washington DC, and the finish line is the front door of the White House.

At the sound of the starting pistol, all fifty-one runners take off. It's an exciting race.

Meanwhile, at the White House, the President waits in the Oval Office for t...

Why are germans so bad at marathons?

Because they cant finish a race.

I guess my nose is training for a marathon

It's been running since morning..

If I say that marathons are superior to sprints...

does that make me a racist?

What is the lightest sin a Muslim can commit?

Spelling marathon backwards.

It's *almost* not haram.

Why did the lawyer with a torn ACL still win the marathon? (OC)

Because he had the power of a torn knee

Did you hear about the oompah loompah marathon?

Contestants are running short.

I'm going to run a marathon next year.

It's a huge challenge, but 26 miles in 365 days is definitely doable.

Why did the marathon runner sprint at the start of the race?

His pacemaker was malfunctioning

My friends won’t stop teasing me for giving up in a marathon after only 1 mile

I’ve become a running joke

Arnold Schwarzenegger is organizing a marathon to raise money for the rebuild of Norte Dame...

... It's slogan is ...

'Run with me if you want to give'

Is it wrong to hate a specific race

Because I really hate marathons

What does a puking marathoner have in common with a joke about karma and cake?

They are both running gags.

Did you hear about the Catholic priest who runs marathons?

He never finishes first, he's always coming in a little behind.

What's the difference between a charity marathon and eugenics?

The former is a race for the cure, the latter is the cure for a race.

I just did an MCU marathon with my mom's sister who recently transitioned.

His favorite movie was Ant-Man.

Why doesn't Kevin Spacey win first place in marathons?

He isn't an athlete and doesn't train for marathons

Im getting tired of your Barenaked Ladies marathon.

It's been one week since you looked at me.

Why did the Kenyans win the marathon?

They heard there was water at the end

Thanks to COVID-19, this is the first year I've not been able to run the London Marathon owing to lockdown.

Every other year it's been because I'm overweight, can't run, and am too lazy to even try.

Why did the racist man get kicked out of the marathon?

Because he only wanted to run 3 out of the 5 K's

I kept telling a pun to the passersby during a marathon

It was a running joke.

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