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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to say no but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.

I thought “Fuck me, I might actually win this!”

A guy named Ryan Edit won first place in a marathon.

Race director: Here you go, these are for you.

Two birds are in a marathon...

(joke best read aloud!)

Two birds are in a marathon...

They are by far in first place so rest on a bench in a park. The first bird sees some chips in car just sitting there.

Excitedly, he points it out to the second bird, "Hey there's some chips in that car!"

The second b...

Wish me luck in the London Marathon today. I managed a respectable, 3 hours, 12 minutes, last year...

This year, I will try to beat that but, I usually get bored and end up turning over to watch something else...

“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

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What do Hitler and the Boston Marathon victims have in common?

Neither of them could finish a race.

I treat everyday like I'm running a marathon tomorrow...

I load up carbs, rest and don't run.

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There once was a stripper who also ran marathons...

Before every race she would take a drink of Windex. After a couple of races one of her fellow runners and a client of the strip club where she worked noticed she always drunk the Windex before the race. He was curious and asked her “Why do you drink the Windex?” She replied “To keep me from streakin...

Thanks to COVID-19, this is the first year I've not been able to run the London Marathon owing to lockdown.

Every other year it's been because I'm overweight, can't run, and am too lazy to even try.

I’m binge-watching this show and they keep doing bits about marathons

Guess it’s some sort of running joke

The 50 states and DC each send their fastest runner to compete in a marathon...

The route they are running takes them around Washington DC, and the finish line is the front door of the White House.

At the sound of the starting pistol, all fifty-one runners take off. It's an exciting race.

Meanwhile, at the White House, the President waits in the Oval Office for t...

Why are priests bad at marathons?

Because they always come in a little behind

What do playing a guitar and running a marathon have in common?

I can’t do either of them.

I didn't run a marathon in 2018.

I didn't run a marathon in 2019.
I didn't run a marathon in 2020.
I've never run a marathon in my life.
...
This is a running joke.

What were Pheidippides (the marathon soldier) last words?

My feet are killing me!

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer

the agony of defeat.

I have started eating McDonalds after deciding to run a marathon.

I need some fast food

My petite girlfriend entered a marathon and thinks she can win...

I told her she’s got no chance cuz she’s always just running a little behind.

So there was a marathon in Sweden...

...that went all the way to the eastern border. I guess you could say the race ended at the Finnish line.

Hello welcome to today’s Communist marathon...

On your Marx....

How to run a marathon?

Step 1,Step 2, Step 3

Where did the Swedish marathon end?

The Finnish line

Did you hear about the man that won the marathon?

He was Russian.

I’m like a cross between a marathon runner and a sprinter

I can jog short distances

I once ran three marathons in one week.

They're not that hard to organize if you have experience.

I don’t win Marathons because I’m lucky



I win because I’m driven.

I was running a marathon. I was in first place and could see the finish line. I tripped and fell and now all I see is...

De feet

My girlfriend broke up with me after we did a marathon.

I’m pretty heartbroken, but we had a good run.

We’re always making fun of our friend who threw up during a marathon

it‘s a running gag.

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Why don't pedophiles ever win marathons?

They're always coming in a little behind.

What’s the difference between Karen in a marathon and an intellectual dwarf?

One is a cunning runt.

What do you call a marathon of people named Aaron?

Running Errands

What does a puking marathoner have in common with a joke about karma and cake?

They are both running gags.

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The Will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready, he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybi...

I hope Terry Fox's cross country treks in the Marathon of Hope was an inspiration to all

not to skip-leg day.

Last year I entered a marathon.

The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied, "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.

Injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day

Got up too fast after watching the third film

Training for a marathon can be hard work

But it'll be good for you in the long run.

I met a guy from the Middle East after a marathon

I asked him if he walked it.
No, he said, Iran.

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I’ve decided to stop giving blowjobs during marathons.

I’m just not a fan of running gags.

What do you call a Spanish marathon runner?

Ricardio

Arnold Schwarzenegger is organizing a marathon to raise money for the rebuild of Norte Dame...

... It's slogan is ...

'Run with me if you want to give'

I was thinking of running a marathon

But I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.

I once finished 2 marathons in 2 minutes.

then they changed the name to Snickers..

What is a marathon runner doing when he starts a marathon in Russia that ends in Finland?

Russian to Finnish.

I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity

I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.

I’m never again donating a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon.

They just take the money and run.

Do you want to hear a joke about the Boston Marathon?

Never mind. I'll never finish it.

My friends won’t stop teasing me for giving up in a marathon after only 1 mile

I’ve become a running joke

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What's the difference between Hitler and the Boston marathon bomber?

The bomber actually stopped a race

How do you know if someone runs marathons?

Don’t worry, they’ll freakin’ tell you!

Did you hear about the mexican guy who ran that marathon?

He juan

I don't know why they run marathons in Germany....

They have a history of not finishing races.

"I'm thinking of running a marathon again." I told my friend.

"You've run a marathon before?" she asked, with an air of admiration.

I said, "No, but I've thought about it."

There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take ...

What types of marathons do racist people run?

Only 3ks

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Nude marathon

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” “I can’t jump o...

Why did the marathon runner sprint at the start of the race?

His pacemaker was malfunctioning

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The national nude marathon won by a woman for the twentieth year in a row.

In places 2 - 10 was a group of men with no regrets.

Imagine if the presidential race was an actual marathon

Then we'd really have a Kenyan in office.

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Bragging Doctors

Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."

Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more...

When is the best time to run a marathon?

During Lent. That's when you fast.

And the ferrari speeds past the finish line...

In the worst case of cheating the London marathon has ever seen!

My favorite part of a marathon is...

My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

BREAKING - Paul McCartney disqualified from London Marathon

He was banned on the run.

I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson.

I'm not sure which race yet.

Welcome to the 23rd annual Leper Colony marathon! We now go down to our racers at the start of the first leg.

Aaaaaand they're off!

Did you hear Han Solo will be running next years London Marathon?

He says he reckons he'll be able to finish in less than 26 miles

A man in Terhan finished a marathon.

A fellow entered the state marathon, in Terhran. The runner suprised everyone by finishing in record time. With great curiosity, the judges and government asked how he could possibly finish in such a speedy time. The man, humbly, responds with...

'Iran.'

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I saw a prostitute running a marathon today

she was full of spunk

I'm training for a marathon with my friend. Every day when we hit the trails he tells me the same thing, and it always makes me laugh.

It's a running joke.

I watch the Boston Marathon every year with my best friend. This year his girlfriend decided to join us, but she just couldn't understand why we were laughing.

It was a running joke.

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My grandfather used to run marathons.

Every year while he was in his 20's and 30's, he'd go and participate in the local run. There was a guy who showed up every year, didn't even live in the town. Bit creepy, to be honest, but an alright guy. Anyway, he'd walk up to my grandfather, every year, in these same green sunglasses. He'd tell ...

What does the winner of the Boston Marathon lose?

His breath.

Seriously do not mess with a marathoner

They run the streets.

Why didn’t the programmer win a marathon?

He had a runtime error

I'd hate to run a marathon

They just look so hard to organise

I guess my nose is training for a marathon

It's been running since morning..

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My brother joined a marathon with poop in his pants. There were 2 runners ahead of him.

He came in turd.

Why did the lawyer with a torn ACL still win the marathon? (OC)

Because he had the power of a torn knee

I don't understand why people do all of these marathons for cancer

If I was to do one, I would expect a trophy, not a life threatening disease

Why did the racist man get kicked out of the marathon?

Because he only wanted to run 3 out of the 5 K's

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

What has three arms, four legs, and two elbows?

The Boston marathon finish line.

Did you hear about the Catholic priest who runs marathons?

He never finishes first, he's always coming in a little behind.

If I say that marathons are superior to sprints...

does that make me a racist?

Why are germans so bad at marathons?

Because they cant finish a race.

What's the difference between a charity marathon and eugenics?

The former is a race for the cure, the latter is the cure for a race.

I’ll admit; my business plan of impersonating and running marathons on behalf of fee paying clients who want prestige without effort, is not going well.

But I’d still give you a run for your money.

Why did the marathon runner end up in jail?

For resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the oompah loompah marathon?

Contestants are running short.

What happened to Han when Chewie wouldn't do the marathon?

He Ran Solo...

I'm going to run a marathon next year.

It's a huge challenge, but 26 miles in 365 days is definitely doable.

I kept telling a pun to the passersby during a marathon

It was a running joke.

Why doesn't Kevin Spacey win first place in marathons?

He isn't an athlete and doesn't train for marathons

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

I'm not racist, but...

If I could put an end to any race on the entire planet, I'd get rid of the marathon.

Abebe Bikila famously won the 1960 Olympic marathon while running barefoot.

Do you think his opponents tasted defeet?

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