Today I went to the doctor and he gave me two thumbs up.

I have to find a different proctologist.

After I got divorced, my former wife told me about a movie she gave 2 thumbs up that I should definitely take the kids to see.

I told her, "That wouldn't be appropriate. That movie is ex-rated"

Netflix is replacing its star ratings with thumbs up and thumbs down.

Whether you like it, or not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

There once was a soldier who's name was Dave

His men thought for sure he was very brave.

Dave's own platoon got ambushed once at war.

It was up to him to even the score.



One of his comrades gave out a wave

To signal some help from his great friend Dave.

A soldier got hit by a close grenade.

He ...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

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The other day I was so frustrated I yelled out, “Fuck my life.”

It had really been a rough week of work and everything else. Anyways fast forward to today and I come back home from work to catch my neighbor sleeping with *my* wife in *my* bedroom, and had the audacity to smile at me and wink and give me a thumbs up.

When the neighbor noticed that I was a...

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a man goes to his doctor ,,,

a man goes to see his doctor .

the doctor asks him " what is the reason for your visit ?"

the man answers in a very deep gravelly voice " its my voice doc , it scares my fiancee. Its okay when we are out in public or the lights are on , but the minute it gets dark or the lights go out...

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

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A man's wife falls suddenly into a coma and is unresponsive

She is rushed to the hospital where she lies unresponsive for over five days. Her husband, red-eyed and distraught, refuses to sleep or leave her side. He reads to her, talks to her, entreats her, all to no avail.

Finally, in the middle of the sixth night, he reaches out in desperation and g...

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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A Soldier's True Mettle

Canada, Mexico and The USA decide to test their three best soldiers in the ultimate test of a soldier's ability to deal with extreme situations. Each man is given a gun, placed in front of a door and told to walk in and kill whoever is in the room. With a deep breath, each walks in.

After 5 ...

My favorite clean joke - the Old Man and the Ferrari

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at ...

[Long] First time buying condoms

When I was 16 years old, I bought my first pack of condoms. I was very nervous as I walked up to the pharmacists. She asked if it was my first time buying condoms. I told her it was.

"Do you know how it works or should I show you?" she asked

"I would like a demonstration", I replied....

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Two Soldiers Walk Into A Bar...

It’s the height of the Vietnam War, and deep in the jungles U.S. Army Privates Chip and Dan have just been promoted to Sergeants.

Now Chip hasn’t always been the brightest bulb, and he’s been known to need some time to process big changes.

As Chip and Dan are doing their rounds one aft...

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Little johnny learns about the birds and the bee's

Saturday morning little Johnny wakes up and as he is about to go to the living room to watch Saturday morning cartoons he hears loud noise coming from down the hall. He follows the sound which brings him to his parents bedroom. Curious about what the noise is he slowly opens his parents bedroom door...

I just visited Ukraine's latest tourist attraction, Chernobyl.

I give it four thumbs up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was listening carefully to my girlfriend's instructions as I went down.

She told me to speed up and get further down, then screamed 'SLOWER! SLOWER!' a couple of times. We both jerked and shook much harder than we had expected to. At the end of it all she grinned and gave me a big 'thumbs up'

. . . I had landed the plane successfully

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taxi cab

A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.

Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else u...

Jack slammed the door and threw his clubs down.

“What’s wrong?” asked his wife.

Jack replied, “I still have a perfect swing at 80 years old, but my eyes are so bad I can’t see where the ball went!”

“Oh dear, but you love to golf. Take Arnold next time.”

“Arnold is 102!”

“Yes, but he has 20/20 vision.”

Jack reluc...

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A man sits next to a nun on a bus.

A man gets onto a bus in a small farming town and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"

"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.

Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and s...

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[NSFW] A businessman goes to Las Vegas (long)...

And he gambles away the shirt off his back. All he has left is the second part of plane ticket. So he goes to a taxi and asks him if he can take him to the airport. He offers his credit card number, phone number, everything, but the Taxi driver said that if he doesn't have $15, he should the hell ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A business man was robbed in Las Vegas on his way to the airport

After he had checked out of the hotel late at night, 2 muggers have robbed his purse, mo and notebook, leaving him behind with his luggage.

He had hours left to get to the airport, and he was lucky that his ticket was at the side compartment of his luggage. He walked up to the street to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] She gives head and sings at the same time

A guy, let's call him John. John moves to his new place in Manhattan for work. John doesn't know anybody there; he's gotta start fresh.

After a few days of getting acquainted with his co-workers at the office, he's invited out to the bar for a few drinks. When they walk in, they all start to...

Not so funny now is it?

A boy comes home from school. He hears a thud-thud-thud sound coming from upstairs. He goes to investigate and notices the sound is getting louder.
Thud-thud-thud, it's getting louder and faster. It's coming from his parents room! The boy flings the door open and sees his mom on all fours an...

Skeeter and Bubba got promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Shortly after, they were out walking when Bubba said "Hey Skeeter! There's the NCO Club! What say we go in there and have us a drink?"

"But we don't belong in the NCO Club!" Skeeter protested. "We's Privates!"

Bubba points to the new stripes sewn on their clothes and says, "No we a...

I’m really happy after my prostate exam...

....My doctor gave me the thumbs up!

I went to see my Doctor yesterday for a prostate examination...

There was nothing to worry about, he gave me the thumbs up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The president is at a political meet and greet in a restaurant, meeting with people and doing the usual schmoozing.

A young man comes up to him and shakes his hand. He says to the president, “it’s an honor to meet you sir, and I was hoping you could help me out. I’m meeting a girl for our first date in a few minutes, and if you stopped by our table, y’know, just to say hi as if we’re good friends, I’d look like...

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A Man in Vegas

A man takes a trip to Vegas. After a night of gambling he loses all of his money. Broke and penniless, he tries desperately to find a cab to the airport, so he can get home with the little money he has left. The man gets in a cab outside the casino and says to the driver "I don't have any money left...

Three men die with a smile on their faces.

The Vicar (V) speaks with the widows (W*) of the deceased men during the service. He walks up to the first widow.

V: “What happened to your husband?”

W1: “Well we always dreamed of winning the lottery and we finally won after 15 years of playing. He suffered a heart attack but died ha...

Mad-Dog’s Lady

A rough pack of tough bikers were out for a scoot in the hill country in central Texas. Pulling into Austin, they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off Pennybaker bridge. Mad-Dog, their leader, gave the hand signal to pull up. Mad-dog, a big burly man with skin like leather, a handle bar mustache,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave walks into a bar,

goes straight for a stool, sits down, and asks for a beer. The bartender serves Dave, and the man gulps it down in seconds.
"Another," says Dave.
The bartender serves him another, and again, Dave gulps it down in seconds.
"Another," says Dave again.
The bartender serves him, but ...

How do you feel about hitchhiking?

It gets a thumbs up from me.

NSFW - Little Johnny

walks into Mom and Dad's bedroom, Mom is on top with her back to the door. Dad looks over at Johnny, smiles and gives him a big thumbs up.
Johnny gets a shocked look on his face and runs away. Mom and Dad finish up and Dad thinks he better go and talk to lil Johnny.
Looks all over the house...

I'm trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles...

I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I've eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I did the night before, and what I will do later with whom.
 

I gave them pictures of my family, my dog, and of my gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy comes home from school...

... and hears a strange panting sound coming from his parents' bedroom. He opens the door to find his father giving it to his mother, doggie-style. The father makes eye contact with the kid, then, not wanting to traumatize his son, decides the best way to handle the situation is to give the boy a sm...

New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist.

You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy starts his new job as a bartender...

Bar owner: 'Ok at 5pm factory workers from next door, who're all deaf/mute btw, fill this place up. It's simple tho. If they give you two thumbs up? They want whiskey. Two thumbs down? Beer. That's all you need to know.'

At 5 they come storming in with thumbs going up & down- whiskey bee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guys working in the produce department in the grocery store and a lady walks up

(If you can, watch Harrison Ford telling this joke here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRHWvVBxWCw)


So this guys working in the produce department in the grocery store and a lady walks up and she says: “Excuse me.”

He says: “Yes?”

She says: “Where’s the broccoli, I can’t fi...

Not so funny after all.

Little Jimmy came home from school one day and walked into his parents bedroom, where he saw his mom and dad going at it.
Without his mother seeing, Jimmy's dad gave his son a thumbs up and kept on going. The next day Jimmy's father comes home from work and walks into his son's room to see what h...

Lance Corporals

Two good old boys, Billy Bob and Cletus have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.
Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Billy Bob says, "Hey, Cletus, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."
"But we be only privates," protests Cletus.
"We're Lance Corporals now,"...

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