A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.....

They got excited and asked if I can drive a truck!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Did you hear about the baby in Iraq who was born with 3 penises?

I bet his pants fit like a glove..


-Credit to u/no_hidden_talent who made the joke in the comment section of a news article.

“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, are you from Iraq?

Coz you look Saddam fine when you Baghdad ass up.

Did you hear about the Italian tourist who got caught stealing in Iraq?

Probably not. He lost his voice.

Hey, you wanna know how I got to the east of Iraq?

Iran

What do you call a depressed dam in Iraq

A Saddam

Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force...

...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

Why aren't there any Walmarts in Iraq?

Because there's a target on every corner.

My father and I were leaving our hotel in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.

I said, "Don't forget your Baghdad".

(Hopefully it isn't a repost)

What happens to the soldiers who are supposed to be deployed to Iraq?

They sit and Kuwait.

Did you hear about the rumours about Iraq?

I heard they are going to invade America in order to install democracy there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old joke from my parents' home country

At the international dentist convention the dentists from Iraq were displaying their new extraction technique.

With this device you can remove teeth from a patients mouth by entering through the rectum and navigating through their digestive track to pull the tooth out.

A dentist in the...

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied,

"Thanks for the Baghdad"

A reporter asks a man traveling across Asia on foot how he got from Iraq to Pakistan so quickly.

"Iran"

A man fresh out of boot camp is stationed to a fire base in Iraq.

His C.O. is showing him around the base and as the tour is wrapping up he concludes,

"I know it gets lonely out here, but right behind the coms tent is this cammel. If you get lonely just use that."

Confused the solder finds the cammel, it's mangey, and flea bitten, and old. He thinks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man driving down the road sees a sign in front of a house that says “$5 for talking dog”

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to th...

Guess how i escaped Iraq..

Iran

SYRIASLY

US: Iraq, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

iraq: No we don't?

\*US invades Iraq*

US: Syria, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

Syria: No we don't!

\*US invades Syria*

US: North Korea, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

North Korea: Yeah? What's up with that?

US: No.. nothin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

So I went to Iraq for holidays...

And I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me back home...
Knowing that I can't trust anyone I wanted to kill myself.
So I called the suicide hotline...
They got excited and asked me if I can drive a plane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

I head Thailand and Iraq are working together to create a new product.

It's called a Tie Rack

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my God! How many is a Brazilian?"

The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq

They call it the Sims

Note: this technically a repost

We should have sent the Opportunity rover to Iraq

since its original mission was supposed to be 3 months but then it kept going for 14 years for no good reason

Reporter: "Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?"

Reporter: "Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?"
USA: "Because we suspected that they had Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Reporter: "Why did you attack Syria now?"
USA: "Because we suspect they have Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Reporter: "Why didn't you attack North Korea then?" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] [LONG] A soldier returns home from Iraq...

Greeted by his wife, he hugs her tight, and she's ready to jump his bones. He stops her however, and tells her, "Baby, while I was away, I want you to know, I didn't stray in thought or body. I spent every waking moment thinking of you, and in that process, I developed a new trick." This certainly h...

What did i do to escape Iraq?

Iran



Don’t worry this story Israel

If Trump wanted to avoid impeachment...

...he should’ve falsely claimed there were WMDs in Iraq

I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost it in Iraq.

Anyway I asked him where he was off to.

"To change a light bulb" he replies.

"Won't that be difficult?" I ask.

"Nah" he says, "I've still got the receipt".

My sister got captured by terrorists while vacationing in Iraq

But I guess jihad it coming

What do you call the indoor trampoline park in Iraq?

Turban Air

An American Major in Iraq..

The major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “We...

A man is in Iraq and sees a fancy antique lamp for sale in shop.

The shop owner assured the man that if he rubbed the lamp a genie would appear and he would get 3 wishes.

The man spent many days planning for his three wishes and finally rubbed the lamp.

When the genie appeared the man exclaimed in wonder. It was true! "For my first wish....."
<...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts.

Operator: "Great! Can you drive a truck?"

It's hard being an American Comedian in Iraq!

No matter how many times I keep coming back I'm always bombing!

What's the national bird of Iraq?

A drone.

Bet you can’t guess how I got out of Iraq

I invaded Kuwait

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq

During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, "why is that camel there?"

The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."

A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops ...

During the Gulf War, a soldier has just arrived in Iraq

Two days after being deployed, he gets asked by his best mate back at home to the mate's best man at his wedding. The soldier quickly agrees, and go to ask his commanding officer for leave.

"Leave? After only two days? You must be mad, to even consider asking me for it. You won't get leave un...

An British, Mexican, French and American soldier were drinking around a campfire in Iraq

The British soldier finished drinking his bottle of whisky , threw it into the desert and shot the bottle.

"Why did you do that?" asked the French soldier.

"Because in Britain we have lots of whisky"

The French Soldier finished his bottle of wine, and like the British soldier he...

How come there are no Walmart’s in Iraq?

Because there’s a Target at every corner!

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One British Para is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then s...

An Iraq War Veteran Walks into a Bar

He quietly takes a seat and asks for a bourbon, double. The bartender obliges, and notices the man's dog-tags while he pours the drink. "First one's on the house – for your service." The veteran nods in approval and reaches towards his glass, but drops it just as he picks it up, spilling the whiskey...

What do you get for calling a suicide hotline in Iraq?

A job offer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some fucker got my wife Prego during my deployment to Iraq...

Everyone knows our family prefers Ragu.

Apparently I know next to nothing about the Middle East

Looks like I’ve been living under Iraq.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trooper in Iraq

A man recently deployed to Iraq is being shown around his new base. At the end of the tour the commanding officer shows the soldier a camel tied to a post. He says,"The men use this camel whenever they begin to feel lonely, feel free to do the same." The soldier responds,"Oh, I'm sure it will never ...

What does Dora say in Iraq?

Sniper no Sniping

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most commonly played song at a strip club in Iraq?

Baghdad ass up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine takes a seat between two Rangers on the last flight out of Iraq...

After a rocky take off the marine takes off his boots, stretches, then announces he is going to get coffee and offers to get some for the rangers. They oblige and after he walks away the rangers get to talking.

"That's friendly of him." The first says.

"Yeah, normally marines are assho...

Scotland is like Iraq

A little but Sunni, but an awful lot Shiite.

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