Wanna know how I escaped from Iraq?

Iran

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad: Never said I was a good one

So I went to Iraq for holidays...

And I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me back home...
Knowing that I can't trust anyone I wanted to kill myself.
So I called the suicide hotline...
They got excited and asked me if I can drive a plane.

US: Iraq, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

iraq: No we don't?

\*US invades Iraq*

US: Syria, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

Syria: No we don't!

\*US invades Syria*

US: North Korea, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

North Korea: Yeah? What's up with that?

US: No.. nothin...

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a brand new bag...

The girl, excited, replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad!"


I'll show myself out now

My friend asked me "How did I get out of Iraq?"

Iran

My father and I were leaving our hotel in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.

I said, "Don't forget your Baghdad".

(Hopefully it isn't a repost)

What did Ice Cube say when he left Iraq?

Bye Fallujah!!!

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Hey girl, are you from Iraq?

Coz you look Saddam fine when you Baghdad ass up.

Brazillian

During his daily security briefing this morning, Trump was advised by an aide that three Brazilian peacekeepers had been killed in Iraq the day before.

To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Trump's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whim...

What do you call the indoor trampoline park in Iraq?

Turban Air

I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost it in Iraq.

Anyway I asked him where he was off to.

"To change a light bulb" he replies.

"Won't that be difficult?" I ask.

"Nah" he says, "I've still got the receipt".

Why are there no Walmart’s in Iraq?

Because they’re all targets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

We should have sent the Opportunity rover to Iraq

since its original mission was supposed to be 3 months but then it kept going for 14 years for no good reason

Why is Saudi Arabia so late to givng rights to women?

Because they have been living under Iraq.

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The interviewer asked him to follow one rule.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says,...

It's hard being an American Comedian in Iraq!

No matter how many times I keep coming back I'm always bombing!

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

An American Major in Iraq..

The major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “We...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people ask me how I got out of Iran

Well the answer to that is...

Iraq

Oh wait crap

Why is Patrick Star Arabic?

Because he lives under Iraq.

Bet you can’t guess how I got out of Iraq

I invaded Kuwait

My sister got captured by terrorists while vacationing in Iraq

But I guess jihad it coming

Reporter: "Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?"

Reporter: "Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?"
USA: "Because we suspected that they had Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Reporter: "Why did you attack Syria now?"
USA: "Because we suspect they have Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Reporter: "Why didn't you attack North Korea then?" ...

What is George W. Bush’s favorite song?

Twisted Sister - “I Want Iraq”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] [LONG] A soldier returns home from Iraq...

Greeted by his wife, he hugs her tight, and she's ready to jump his bones. He stops her however, and tells her, "Baby, while I was away, I want you to know, I didn't stray in thought or body. I spent every waking moment thinking of you, and in that process, I developed a new trick." This certainly h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq

During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, "why is that camel there?"

The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."

A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops ...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking dog for sale"

Intrigued he walks in and sees the dog. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog

"I have had a very full life" says the dog. "I have lived in the Alps, rescued avalanche victims, I served my country in Iraq, and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home...

During the Gulf War, a soldier has just arrived in Iraq

Two days after being deployed, he gets asked by his best mate back at home to the mate's best man at his wedding. The soldier quickly agrees, and go to ask his commanding officer for leave.

"Leave? After only two days? You must be mad, to even consider asking me for it. You won't get leave un...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some fucker got my wife Prego during my deployment to Iraq...

Everyone knows our family prefers Ragu.

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my God! How many is a Brazilian?"

What did i do to escape Iraq?

Iran



Don’t worry this story Israel

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

Three Men are sitting at a bus stop

The first man says, "I served in the U.S. Army for 10 years. I was involved in the Korean War."

The second man says, "Nice. I served in the United States Marine Corps for 8 years. I was involved in the Iraq War."

The third man says, "I was involved in the War on Drugs. I served 15 year...

Why did Bush's exit plan fail?

He was caught between Iraq and a hard place.

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An iron worker moves to Iraq

An iron worker moves to Iraq to make use of all the scrap metal lying around. After a few weeks of collecting he had a few close calls with finding mines in the piles of scrap, which according to the locals was a fairly common occurrence. After nearly loosing his arms for the fifth or sixth time he ...

What's the national bird of Iraq?

A drone.

There were too many suicide bombings happening in Iraq.

I think it is fair to call it abomination.

A man is in Iraq and sees a fancy antique lamp for sale in shop.

The shop owner assured the man that if he rubbed the lamp a genie would appear and he would get 3 wishes.

The man spent many days planning for his three wishes and finally rubbed the lamp.

When the genie appeared the man exclaimed in wonder. It was true! "For my first wish....."
<...

I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. I told the operator that lately I've been having suicidal thoughts.

Operator: "Great! Can you drive a truck?"

An British, Mexican, French and American soldier were drinking around a campfire in Iraq

The British soldier finished drinking his bottle of whisky , threw it into the desert and shot the bottle.

"Why did you do that?" asked the French soldier.

"Because in Britain we have lots of whisky"

The French Soldier finished his bottle of wine, and like the British soldier he...

The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq

They call it the Sims

Note: this technically a repost

How come there are no Walmart’s in Iraq?

Because there’s a Target at every corner!

Saudi Arabians just seem so ignorant about everything...

It’s like they’ve been living under Iraq!

Sales pitch

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the ind...

An Iraq War Veteran Walks into a Bar

He quietly takes a seat and asks for a bourbon, double. The bartender obliges, and notices the man's dog-tags while he pours the drink. "First one's on the house – for your service." The veteran nods in approval and reaches towards his glass, but drops it just as he picks it up, spilling the whiskey...

I went to the grocery store to buy oil. Couldn't find it. So

i inVaDed IraQ

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Going to the bar for the first time

So I went into the bar and was very nervous, I'm young and never experienced this atmosphere before. I'm trying to talk to all these ladies but none of my pick up lines are working, all my buddies have their girls they picked up and they're all dancing. I'm in the bar all alone and this beautiful bl...

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One British Para is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then s...

The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'


''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about
my Mom.She was...

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Escaping Iraq war

A soldier ran up to a nun; out of breath, he asked. “Please let me hide under your skirt. I will explain later!!” The nun agreed.

Minutes later couple of military police officers ran up and asked “Sister, did you see a soldier running?” The nun replied “he went that way..”

After the m...

What do you get for calling a suicide hotline in Iraq?

A job offer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most commonly played song at a strip club in Iraq?

Baghdad ass up.

What does Dora say in Iraq?

Sniper no Sniping

Scotland is like Iraq

A little but Sunni, but an awful lot Shiite.

I also called a suicide hotline in Iraq...

They told me to try calling back in a few days because they already had enough volunteers for the week.

Why do Saudi Arabians never catch up with the latest news?

They all live under Iraq

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