This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk Turkish guy in Berlin bar is yelling :

" We are the largest minority in Germany, no one can fuck with us ! "
And some granny turns around on her seat looking at him dead serious and says:
" There were also six million Jews ."

Did you hear about the cat that died in Berlin?

It had nein lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This was a joke that I was told last year by my tour guide in Berlin about Cold War-era Russia.

Every morning, General Secretary Leonid Brezhnev would go out onto his balcony and stretch. He would look up at the sun, rising in the East and go, “Good morning, Sun. It is a beautiful day outside.”

The sun would reply, “Good morning, General Secretary! Thank you for admiring my work!”
...

My father almost joined the Berlin Wall Brigade but couldn't because he broke his arm

That was a lucky break

Why are former Stasi agents the best taxi drivers in Berlin?

All you have to do is tell them your name. They already know where you live.

I’m thinking of moving my family to Berlin

I hear that in Germany, children are kinder.

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The...

An Arab student emails his dad:

*An Arab student emails his dad:*

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

...

What did East Germans sing before the Berlin Wall fell?

Under Prussia

Berlin's Hottest Nightclub

A hot new nightclub, Integers, opened up in Berlin. The club's
advertising referenced the "infinite" amount of space on the inside, and its excellent location downtown. The walls were sleek and black, with purple house lights and an immaculate sound system. Drinks were all priced at whole dollar...

A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

Two communist soldiers stood by the Berlin wall during The Cold War.

Soldier 1: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Soldier 2: Yes I am.

Soldier 1: Then I'll have to arrest you.

An eldrely pilot flies to Berlin.

An elderly pilot flies a private plane to Berlin. He lands, but gets lost on the taxiway. So he panics, stops the engine, and a massive jam builds up.

The trafic controller asks him angrily over the radio, "Did you ever fly to Berlin before?"

The pilot answers, "I did a few times in ...

The majority of German people wants to rebuild the Berlin Wall.

A recent survey with unemployed brick layers figured that out.

As chosen by voters, Germany's Berlin Zoo named their two newborn pandas "Hong" and "Kong".

Upon hearing the news, China reacted fiercely and decided to withdraw all pandas from every country back to mainland China. It was a logistical nightmare⁠ to bring all the pandas back—it was pandemonium.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler dies and is sent to hell.

He spends 30 earthly years there being tourtured and abused, going through worse than he even could imagine.

After this time, god calls him up for a talk, considering a pardon. He asks Hitler: "If I sent you back to earth today, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I would load all the ...

Donald Trump is on his first state visit to Angela Merkel in Berlin...

After a bit of small talk, he asks Merkel, which is the secret of her great success.

Merkel tells him that you only need to have many intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so soon, if someone is intelligent?" Asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate," Merkel answers.

She...

I don't get why we have to know when the fall of Berlin was

obviously Berlin has fall every year September to December

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Hitler say when the Soviets invaded Berlin?

I Did Nazi That Coming

An American girl goes on vacation to Berlin

While walking through town one night, she sees a drunk guy openly taking a leak up against a wall.

Disgusted, she loudly proclaims, "Gross!"

The man turns with a proud smile on his face and says, "Danke!"

Three men are stranded on an island

One is russian, one is german and one is british.

Suddenly a goldfish appears and says: "The water around this island is magical, if you jump in it and say where you wanna go you will be teleported there."

The russian jumps into the water and yells "MOSCOW!" and POOF he teleports to Mo...

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low.

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low. He pulls over at the next gas station he sees, and while his gas is being refilled, goes into the station to get a drink.

He picks out a drink, and as he is buying it, notices a sign that re...

Why was the Berlin Wall torn down?

It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

I watched a documentary about the 1936 summer Olympics in Berlin

It seemed like a wonderful event, but it made me uneasy every time the officials said, "Let's make this a good, clean race."

Apparently this was one of the jokes from East Germany before the fall of the Berlin Wall.

A citizen orders a Trabant car. The salesman tells him to come back to pick it up in nine years. The customer asks: "Shall I come back in the morning or in the evening then?"

"You're joking, aren't you?"

"No, not at all. It's just that I need to know whether the plumber can come at...

A dying man walks down a side street to get a sausage in Berlin

He takes a turn for the wurst.

A couple is taking a walk in Berlin

Suddenly, it starts raining.

The two start arguing over whether it's raining or hailing.

"Let's ask that Communist officer over there! He might know if it's raining!", the wife suggests.

They go up to him and notice that his nametag says that his name is Olf. "It's raining, dum...

What do you call it when many people drown in Berlin?

A killing Spree.

University Woes..

THE son of a multibillionaire mogul goes to study in Europe. One night, he phones his parents.

Dad: How’s your life going, son?

Son: It’s going well, Dad.

Dad: Is something wrong? You don’t sound happy.

Son: No, Dad, everything’s fine. Berlin is wonderful, the people ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Danish, French and Italian women ...

A Danish guy, a Frenchman and an Italian man got together in a bar in Berlin after attending the long and boring business conference. Their talk drifted to the subject of women, of course, with each man claiming that the women in their home country were the sexiest and most sensual.

"If we we...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some day in Berlin

Yussel Rabinowitz and his wife Bessie were hiding from the Nazis in a secluded Berlin basement.

One day Yussel decided to get a breath of fresh air, but while out walking he came face to face with Adolf Hitler himself. The German leader pulled out a gun and pointed to a pile of horse-shit in ...

A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935...

..."Herr Altmann," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Der Stürmer! I can't understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew?"

"On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms,...

Guys, if anyone is interested, a friend of mine got an invitation to the 2017 Berlin Marathon for Christmas. But it's the same day of his wedding. So if anyone wants (and is able) to go, everything is paid.

St. Mary's church @ 6pm. Bride's name is Lisa.
Just go there, get married and you're done.

An East German, West German and Berliner find a Genie...

They free him, and he says "I will grant each of you a wish."
The West German says "I want the Turks to stop stealing our women."
The East German says "I want the Berlin Wall reinstated."
The Berliner thinks very hard, and finally decides. "I will have a Mocha."

I scared a German the other day

I was in Berlin at a beer garden, so I decided to get a brew in one of their traditional mugs (with the metal tippy cap). After the beer, I got hungry and went for a sausage. The guy was horrified when I told him to save a plate and just put the sausage in my mug. I guess Germans really are afraid o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arab kid talks to his dad [M]

An Arab kid talks to his dad
-Dad...
-Yes, son?
-Why do we wear this weird headscarf?
-It's called burnus and it protects our head from the desert sun.
-And Dad...
-Yes son?
-Why do we wear these weird robes?
-They're called burka, and it protects us from the desert heat.
...

"Mom, mom, quiz me on capitals please!"

"Okay, what's the capital of Germany?"


"That's easy, Berlin."


"And the capital of France?"


"Berlin"


"And the one of Poland?"


"Also Berlin."


"Good job Adolf, good job!"

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office...

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.

Trump: ”What’s the time difference between Washington and Berlin”?

Secretary: ”Just a second, Mr. President…”

Trump: ”Thanks” <click>

A man at the airline counter tells the rep.

“I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.


The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”


The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grampa was telling us his war stories

Grampa: 'So we were flying back from bombing out Berlin, when suddenly we got caught out by the Germans. My Lancaster got surrounded. There was a Fucker on the left, a Fucker on the right, a Fucker above, and a Fucker below. We thought we were screwed.

Mum: 'Father, would you please not use t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian Joke (Obama and Merkel meet in private)

Obama tells Merkel:"Listen, I have three buttons, red, green and yellow. If I press the red button, there is no more China, if I press the yellow button, there is no more Russia, if I press the green button, Europe is gone".

Merkel says... "That may be, however, my grandmother had three toil...

A posh New Yorker...

A posh New Yorker decides to take her two young children on a European vacation. Upon landing in Berlin the trio check into the Ritz Carlton. Even though the Ritz has a fabulous, five star restaurant, the mother thinks they should indulge in the local gastronomy, and they lace their shoes back on an...

Geography class

-Whats the capital of Germany?

-Berlin teacher

-Whats the capital of France?

-Berlin again teacher

-Whats the capital of Poland?

-Still Berlin teacher

-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!

-We'll see about that

The year is 1945...

The Soviet army is pushing closer to Berlin with each day. As they march closer, they start to find the concentration camps. In one of these camps, a Polish man with a limited knowledge of the Russian language is talking to Russian military officers about the camps, with assistance from a translator...

A german joke in english

Last week Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:


cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visitin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some historic anti-Nazi jokes from Germany

Hey there. I thought, I'll take the time and translate you some of the so-called "Flüsterwitze"(whisper jokes) from nazi Germany.

* The old code of law seems to complicated, so it has to be changed. From now on, there are only three laws: 1. If you do something, or fail to do something, you ...

Do you know why the Eiffel tower is so tall?

So you can see the white flag from Berlin.

A young boy was getting ready for a geography test he was going to take at school.

As he studied, he decided to ask his mother for help:

"Mom, will you help me revise for my geography test?"

"Sure honey, let's see... what's the capital of Germany?'

"Berlin!"

"Good job! What about the capital of France?"

"Berlin!"

"Way to go! What's the cap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In light of recent discoveries, I made a joke

A conspiracy theorist died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter told the conspiracy theorist “You may ask me one question, and I will reply honestly.”

The conspiracy theorist thought for some time and asked “Did Hitler escape death in WWII and move to Argentina, where he still r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian version of the guillotine joke (different punchline)

(fyi: Russian belief is that if anything goes wrong during the execution, it is divine intervention, and it is every bad mojo to try to execute a 2nd time if the prisoner survived.)

So...

The Germans catch 3 spies in Berlin during WW1. A Frenchman, an American, and a Russian. They wan...

Catholics will get it :-)

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking,...

Dad, my Geography teacher Adolf will give me a quiz tomorrow.

Sure Hans. Let me ask you some questions.

Capital of Germany? Berlin

Capital of France? Berlin

Capital of Russia? Berlin

Capital of Poland? Berlin

Capital of USA? Tokyo

Capital of China? Tokyo

Hotel? Trivago

That's my boy.

Stevie Wonder walked into a bar

He asked the bartender if he could get a Coors light.

Bartender: Sure buddy, I’m a big fan, why don’t you try our new beer that we’ve had imported from Berlin?

Stevie: oh I’m not sure, I have this thing about not drinking German beer

Bartender: SUPERSTITION AINT THE WAYYY!

A man walks into a brothel

And asks for the madame.

The host says to him "Are you sure? She is our most expensive"

He replies "Yes, I have $1000 ready!"

Shocked at the amount, the host quickly runs up the stairs and grabs the madame and prepares a room for them.

The man walks into the room with t...

German Refugee

A refugee is sitting in the street in Berlin, bemoaning his life, when suddenly, a genie appears.

"I'm the socialist, liberal genie," says he, "and I'm here to grant you three wishes."

The refugee says "You see this gap in my teeth? I want it fixed." No sooner does he say that, that he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The German Plumber.

Yesterday as I was taking my morning shower at 7:00am, it stopped half way through when I was putting my shampoo in my hair, great, so I wiped it out with a towel. I called a man after I came back from work around 5pm. The man, at first, sounded French but with almost an American accent, probably si...

Whats so good about german cars?

They get from Berlin to Warsaw in one tank

It was 1940...

...in war time Berlin. An SS Officer had a side line going as an amateur clock maker and repairer. One day a customer walked into his clock repair shop with a mantel clock. The SS Officer said "Vhat can I do for you?" The customer replied. "It's my mantel clock. It's not working properly... if you p...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.