Brazil factoid

TIL that, until about 1930, Brazil was known officially as the United States of Brazil, or USB. So, does that mean that Rio de Janeiro was a USB port?

How would you rate a really ugly Brazilian?

1 out of 7

Did you know that Harry Potter sold so many books it is possible to cover all of Brazil with them?

They also did it when they were in tree form

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The reason the nazis never conquered Brazil

Because they all knew jew jitsu

A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday

The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world".


The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of ...

What a do a bunch of people in Brazil speak? Portuguese. What does just one Brazilian speak?

Portugoose.

Brazil have sent star player Neymar to Thailand to help rescue the young footballers in the cave

...they heard they needed someone to teach them how to dive

Brazil is playing tomorrow and I'm betting...

...that Neymar is ready to roll.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Never panic, there's always a solution

In a store in US, a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter...

Now that Brazil is out of the World Cup they should go help the Thai kids stuck in that cave...

After all they're the world's most talented divers.

God was creating the countries when it became Brazil’s turn

God: This land will be a land filled with natural resources, the women will be beautiful, there will be no hurricanes or tornados, they will also have a lot of forests.

The angels were thinking this was a little too much and asked God, “Isn’t this a little too good?”

God calmly answer...

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

The England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

There are so many people that live in Brazil

There's at least a Brazilian.

2010. Football match between Brazil and Poland.

During the game Ronaldinho was the only one holding the ball. His teammates decided to leave him alone on the pitch.
After the game Ronaldinho meets his teammates at the bar.
- So how was the game?
- I have won 3 to 1.
- You only scored 3 goals? What happened?
- I was given a red car...

This Brazil v. Germany World Cup Game.

What do you call a Pikachu caught in Brazil?

A Zikachu

If you played pokemon in Brazil,

you might catch a Zikachu

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

What's the difference between Snow White and the Brazil soccer team?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in.

What time is it in Brazil?

Oh, it's 7 past Cesar

What is Brazil's favorite game right now?

Hide and go zika

The presidents of the United States, France, and Brazil are on a plane

At one point, the president of the United States sticks his hand out the window and proclaims,

"We are flying over the US."

The others ask how he knows.

"Because I just touched the Statue of Liberty."

A while later, the president of France sticks his hand out the window ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A traveler arrives in a remote village

He receives a warm welcome. The villagers gather around him, asking him to tell them about his adventures.

"Well.. what do you want to know?" he asked.

After a brief pause, they answered:

"Tell us what animals did you see?"

"What animals do you know?" He asked them.
...

Hi, I'm from Brazil

and I can't go to the backyard, I'm afraid my german shepherd will laugh instead of bark at me...

[OC] So did you hear about that harbour in Brazil that was infested with birds?

I guess you could call it a Port-o-Geese.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in Brazil last night, and 3 women approached me and wanted to have sex. It was like winning the lottery.

6 matching balls.

Brazil is getting slaughtered

I can't take it an Neymar

A man is planning his vacation,

As he does so, a friend swings by and offers to help:
-Hey man, may I suggest the Maldives? Had an amazing time there.
-I'm not taking any advice from you! Back in 98, you suggested Rome, I went there and my wife got pregnant, in 2007 you suggested Brazil, I went there and my wife got pregnant...

To his great surprise, Bob won the largest lottery in history.

Unsure what to do with his newfound fortune, he decided to build the world's biggest ship. It was 10 miles long and 3 miles wide; a floating city. Once the ship was complete, Bob had to hire thousands of people to work on it and make it run properly. He held mass interviews and hired sailors, police...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 20 year old man visited his 100 year old grandmother

The 20 year old asked what was her secret to living so long.
His grandmother replied, "I will tell you if you do one thing for me, tell me how grains of sand on every beach in the entire world!"
The 20 year old planning to travel the world took this challenge and set off counting every grain ...

Non-kosher Rabbi

One day, an old rabbi decides that he wants to try pork, forbidden in the Torah. But, because he’s the rabbi, he can’t risk being seen by anyone in his congregation. So he decides to take a vacation. He buys his tickets, flies out to Brazil, finds an expensive restauraunt and orders the roast pork. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde participates in the television show Who wants to be a millionaire...

The TV host asks her the following questions:

1st
How long did the 100-year war last?

a) 116 years
b) 99 years
c) 100 years
d) 150 years

The blonde chooses to use the opportunity not to respond.

2nd
In which country did you find the Panama Cabin?

a) ...

About 1% of Belgians speak German

and that's all it takes to knock out Brazil again

3 Beers

Bob walks into a bar in London, orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would tas...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Neymar is going to participate in the 2020 Olympics

He’s Brazil’s next star in the Diving competition.

Which country brought the most competitors to the 2018 Winter Olympics?

Brazil. They brought 8 Brazilian athletes.

What country has the least counterfeit money?

Brazil

All their money is real

What country is the most heavily populated?

Brazil, they've got Brazilian citizens.

You know the times have changed...

When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There once was a girl named Jill

Who fucked a dynamite stick for a thrill.
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Stuffed in a burlap sack and smuggled across Brazil.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A radio station has a word contest...

A radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Brazil.


DJ: "99FM here, what's your name?"


Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."


DJ: "Dave, what's yo...

What's today's date?

Germany/Brazil/2016

A phone call home...

A Brazilian football (soccer) star is on international commitments, representing Brazil at the World Cup far from home. He takes a few moments to speak to his family.

"So, how's things at home?" he asks.

"Terrible!", his mother replies. "We have no money. Your father is unemployed a...

Who is faster?

Usain Bolt in the 100m finals or Ryan Lochte running through the airport to catch his flight out of Brazil?

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple Limericks...

There once was a man from Ireland
With balls made of fine brass
In stormy weather
They clanked together
And sparks shot out of his ass

There once was a man from Calcutta
Who was jerking off in a gutter
The tropical heat
Affected his meat
S...

Translated Brazilian Joke - A broken car in the desert

** In Brazil it is common making jokes about our colonizers, the Portuguese. I hope they do the same about us in Portugal, so... **

A Portuguese, a Brazilian and an Argentinian are driving through the desert when their car suddenly breaks.
João, the Brazilian suggests each one takes a pie...

Why did a Chinese olympic diver receive a standing ovation?

Yellow and Green are Brazil's national colors.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Food and Country

Yesterday I was so Hungary, I decided to Czech if there was any food.
I was Russian to the fridge, but found only a Turkey full of Greece.
Iran to the store to get some salt, pepper, Chile and Korea-nder, because I was in the mood for some Sweden sour.
I found Iraq of pork chops but there w...

[Discussion] Regional targets

I am wondering who are the preferred targets of jokes from where you are from, I have done a little research and have come up with the following so far:

| Region | Target |
|:--|:--|
| Canada | Newfies |
| England | Irishmen |
| America | Polacks |
| France | Belgians |
| Br...

My sister is gifting me some rain forest this Christmas...

Is it possible to hire some local loggers or will I have to travel to Brazil and cut it down myself?