What do you call a horse that criticizes something?

A naysayer

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

In China, you can criticise every Roman numeral from I to X.

But you can't criticize Xi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five minutes management course...

##Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob say...

What celebrities in both China and USA have one thing in common

Afraid of criticizing Chinese government and like to criticize US government.

Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes

That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

How do you derogate a building without making it feel bad?

You give it 'constructive criticism'. :P

Odd jobs

John: Hey Peter, long time no see! How are you? What are you doing now?

Peter: Fine, fine. I sell human organs. You?

John: Dude, what the hell? Don't you have a heart?

Peter: Is that criticism or an order?

Bill,a pro at the local golf course,and Ray,his longtime friend and caddy,went out golfing.

Bill was getting lined up for the most critical putt of his life.It would mean the course record and TenThousand dollars.When a funeral procession came by,Bill stops what he was doing,takes off his hat,holds it to his chest,and bows his head.

"What the hell is wrong with you,"Ray asks?"This i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unpopular opinion, but I like the police...

...I mean their back catalog of singles is legendary. Cop their critically acclaimed album “Synchronicity”.

An American and a Chinese man are talking politics

American: In America we can openly criticize the president, can you do that in China?

Chinese Man: No, but in China we can openly support the president, can you do that in America?

I think it's really shameful how people criticize Lance Armstrong for taking drugs, the man won 7 Tour De France's on them.

When I'm on drugs, I can't even *find* my bike.

I asked my doctor how their day at the hospital was going

He said “well this morning a man came in with agonising pain in his stomach and we did a scan which revealed he had 12 plastic toy horses stuck in his stomach, he was in a critical condition when he first came in, but he’s in a stable condition now.”

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time..

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, sure. I would love to here it. " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

Why were the workers so bad at making houses?

They couldn't take constructive criticism.

I was criticizing my friend for eating poison when he started to object and then suddenly vomited...

...I said I'm glad you brought that up.

I don't know how anyone can take Putin critics seriously, with how stupid they are.

Keep in mind that these are the same people who habitually trip and fall backwards onto bullets and lock themselves in suitcases.

My linguist friend hates all languages with accents, slashes, or any funny symbols over Latin letters.

He was born a critic, he lived a critic, but he will *never* diacritic.

I got a call telling me my wife’s been taken to the hospital.

“Oh my Lord, how is she?!” I asked.

“I’m sorry to say she’s critical,” said the nurse.

“What the heck is she complaining about again?!”

Irish Vs. English

An English naval vessel is called to attention by an Irish Guard.

Irish: Aye, approaching vessel, I advise ye turn 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

The English Captain replies: "Negative, sir. We advise you redirect 15 degrees north to avoid said collision."

Irish: I repea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when 500 Jewish mothers convert to Catholicism?

Critical Mass.

My son

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

Unpopular opinion: People criticizing Alabama's new abortion laws are ignorant and intolerant

It's a family matter for them, after all.

Some people criticize me for only talking about how terrible everything is

But others think I’m a great conversationihilist

A new emerging rock band is having its first concert

To be sure that everything goes perfectly the group's manager decides to invite a well known concert critic: If he decided to come and the concert went well, that would've been their occasion to take off in the world of music

Incredibly the critic accepts their offering and is present in his ...

The Lorena Bobbitt documentary was very informative and well directed, my only criticism is that it was way too long

They should have cut half of it.

What do you call someone critical about tap water?

A spigot.

I hate three kinds of people:

1. Critics
2. People who dont raed their jokes before posting
3. Hypocrites

A submarine is following its course, when the alarm goes off...

Everyone starts panicking, except for James. He is known for being the funniest among the recruits and he always lights up the mood, even in critical situations.

"What is going on?" he asks.

"We are about to crash, you imbecile! Go help Smith, quick!"

"Wanna hear a funny j...

A child who is critically ill is taken under the Make-A-Wish foundation

Her first wish is to meet Captain America and Thor so Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth arrive at the hospital.

After a long meeting session, the two of them ask her what her next wish is.

"I want to meet Iron Man now"

Why was the proud civil engineer salty?

He received constructive criticism.

If Trump gets a coin every time he gets criticized

He would have built the wall using his own money.

A concert pianist makes mistakes during a performance

Over and over the renowned musician kept making little blunders here and there, and critics in the audience were very aware. After the recital, one commentator said, "no disrespect, but you played everything from memory and had quite a few slip-ups. Just having a bad night?"


Looking a lit...

This morning Chuck Norris was shot

Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to follow a soft skills course “How to give constructive criticism”.

It was total shit.

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if ...

A government run initiative to restore the male geese population is getting a lot of media attention...

Critics are referring to it as proper gander.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

When Beethoven started composing music, people said he wouldn't amount to anything because he was deaf

Fortunately, he didn't listen to the critics

Billy the ant scientist.

Once there was a mad scientist named Billy obsessed with experimenting on ants. For the this he earned the nickname "Ant billy" Billy ant" or "that weird ant dude" or variations there of and was generally considered a laughingstock of the town.

Determined to not be such a goddamn failure anym...

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

A joke from George Carlin,tucked away because of 9/11

The most striking thing about the show is that Carlin made a joke about Osama bin Laden and an exploding airplane. In a fashion typical of the comedian, who always passed easily between the corporeal and the sublime, it started as a fart joke. “These planes get flying so fast that all the most vicio...

Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

A questionable article on marine biology goes viral.

"**New study reveals migrating Crows' droppings may be responsible for great barrier barrier reef bleaching**"

The article receives widespread criticism from the scientific community. Marine biologists across the globe insist that coralation does not imply Cawsality.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anna Kournikova is approached by her agent with one last career option.

He explains that with her youthful looks behind her, her best option is to take a training shoe endorsement she has been offered. She'll only need to model the footwear from the legs down, and give them use of her name.

She's reluctant because years of top level tennis gave her leg muscles wh...

What do you call a boat that doesn't allow criticism?

A censor-ship

A movie about janitors impressed critics.

Later that year the movie swept the Oscars.

A critic walked up and down the aisles of a modern art exhibit.

He stopped before one particularly abstract work.

"What in the world is that supposed to be?" He wondered aloud.

"That," said the artist, "is *supposed* to be the Great Wall of China at sunset."

"Then why isn't it?" snapped the critic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lot of people are concerned that Donald Trump will start a nuclear war.

That'll only happen if he reaches critical ass.

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.

There's a lot to do in Chicago.

3 Secret Service agents are on their final day of training

They’re led into a darkened room. The commanding officer has them facing the opposite way of him. He walks up to the first potential agent from behind and speaks to his ear; loudly enough so all 3 can hear, but in a smooth, calculated tone, almost whispering:

“You’ve passed every test up to ...

My girlfriend said being with me is like being on a diet.

I was touched at first and told her that I feel like being with her is a continual journey of self-improvement and striving to get to a better place too.

I felt a little worse after she explained that she only meant it in the sense that being with me is a perpetual struggle of self-denial mo...

Metal medal

There was once an extremely handsome, gorgeous doctor Jones. Apart from his good looks he was extremely skilled. One day, he was the only doctor in the hospital, and yet he still managed to tend to and medicate every single patient who needed his help! The community decided to recognize his achievem...

The Australian government recently unveiled their plans for a 1 dollar coin.

While some critics questioned the economic viability, the kangaroonie will start circulation next year, according to a government spokesperson.

An artist had his first gallery showing.

The show was a mild success. He sold a few paintings and met some critics and seemed to make a good impression. But he wasn't feeling well so he made his apologies and went home to bed before the show was over.

The next day he calls the gallery director to see how the rest of the show went....

If you do MDMA you should seriously consider a career as a movie critic.

They're always raving.

What do you call a quick, clever reply to an insult or criticism.

A riposte

(On first date): Her: What do you do? Me: I’m a butcher.

Her: Wow! Have you no heart?

Me: Are you criticizing me, or placing an order?

"Girl are you a vocal critic of the President?"

Cause I've got a suspicious package here for you.

You guys ever heard the one about the sculptor and his Italian friend?

There once was a sculptor who made beautiful pieces of work. His specialty was beautiful women. He'd toil away for hours on end, immortalizing the prettiest women in plaster and granite. But one day, he realized that his work was no longer in demand. Distraught, he called over his closest friend, an...

After Stalin died his comrades found two sealed envelopes on his table.

One had "Open in bad situation" written on it, the other had "Open in critical situation".

So when times got worse, new USSR leader decided to open the Bad envelope. Inside there was a piece of paper with a few words: "blame everything on me". And so the government blamed everything on Stalin...

Everyone is criticizing the Saudis wanting to investigate a murder that they themselves are accused of...

But the Saudi Prince gives the investigation team four thumbs up!

Jay-Z owned a baseball team.

From day one, it was a foregone conclusion that it would be a cellar-dwelling team. Everyone on that team had a batting average of below .150, and not a single player scored a home-run. The defense was horrible; every outfielder was scared of fly-balls, the infielders couldn’t catch line drives to s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are in a terrible car crash

The wife walks away with some minor cuts and bruises, but the husband is in critical condition and is rushed into surgery.

After 5 or 6 hours in the waiting room, the wife sees the doctor approaching in blood-stained scrubs.

"I've got good news and bad news," he says. "Which would you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

United States: A reporter that criticizes the government...

...might be labeled as fake news and have mean presidential tweets written about them.



Central America: A reporter that criticizes the government may be secretly arrested in the middle of the night.




Saudi Arabia: Hold my beer...

The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.



"How is she?" I asked

"Very critical," replied the officer

“What the hell is she complaining about now?"

If I could change two hundred things about myself...

Being overly self-critical would probably be one.

What was the governor of North Carolina criticized for responding to Hurricane Florence so quickly?

Because women don’t like premature evacuations

What the food critic say after eating Shrek?

"He was just meaty ogre"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

People want to help hippos and conserve them, while others dislike hippos for attacking humans.

Why are people so hippo-critical?

What do you call a ironic judgmental hippopotamus?

Hippo-critic.

(Lol this sucks but I just thought of it)

My wife and I went to a Bull Sale & Agricultural Show...

and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said "He mated 50 times last year! That's almost once a week!"
...

Critics are comparing Aquaman to Black Panther

At first glance, the movies do appear similar. They both feature ancient sci-fi utopias hidden from the rest of the world. In each movie, theres a fight for the throne in order to stop a war. However, they are ignoring one major difference: the characters in Aquaman can swim.

A renowned book critic heard about a new author that was rapidly gaining in popularity...

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines...

They lifted their blades in one last final assualt...

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. Wielding naught but rags and broken tools after their endless nightmare, they saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.

One last...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The US Government spent $365,000 to test the effect of cocaine on quails’ sex drive...

The study has been met with fierce criticism by guinea pigs.

Senior Shoplifter

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

Whe...

A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me,

Critics are saying its the new hip place to be.

What did the critics say about Stallone's superhero movie?

It was DREDDful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy asks his father what politics is

His father, wanting the son think critically, told him "let's make an analogy, i am the backbone family and i am the one that makes money. Therefore i am the business class. Your mother run the economy, so she is the government. The maid is the working class. We serve your interest, so you, my boy, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man, a boy and a donkey.

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions...

When he heard that John McCain wanted to keep President Trump away from his funeral, Senator Orrin Hatch was criticized for saying "That's ridiculous". Senator, the appropriate response in that situation is....

"Hey, it's your funeral".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs it and suddenly a genie appears.

"Tell me your wish." The genie booms.

The man, who was a frequent viewer of r/Jokes knew that this genie would not be as it seems. It had to have some sort of drawback. He decides to test the genie's abilities.

"Is there going to be a cat...

Rod and Keith, two linguists, are chatting about life...

Rod and Keith, two linguists, are chatting about life when Rod slips in a linguistic pun. Keith is not impressed and points out why the pun was so bad. The conversation continues and Rod tries to deftly insert another pun. Again, without even cracking a smile, Keith starts pointing out all the flaws...

My phone keeps changing critical words in important texts.

Autocorrect, you've made a powerful enema today.

I was really tempted to say mean things about an obese animal

But I decided not to because that would be hippo-critical.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.