UPJOKE
reviewercritiquecommentatorcriticismevaluatorjudgepanelistcarperwriterliterary critichistoriandrama criticbiographercolumnistessayist

Critic Jokes

I stopped paying attention to movie reviews after critics raved about The Green Mile.

Great concept, but terrible execution.

What is the difference between a critic and a puppy?

With time, training and patience, it is possible to make a puppy stop whining.

What did the food critic say after tasting the Body of Christ?

Very savioury.

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

A famous restaurant critic is eating soup at a fancy restaurant.

This critic was well-known in the industry for his arrogance and rudeness, as well as his overall sloppiness. So it came as no surprise when mid-course he dropped his spoon on the floor, and angrily gestured to get a waiter's attention. When a waiter approached, the critic noticed a spoon tucked in ...

Everybody needs to lay off the criticism of that Titan submarine guy and give him a break.

He’s under a lot of pressure right now.

Don't criticize Ron DeSantis.

Unless you have walked a mile in his shoes.

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes in the guise of rating and reviewing pies from various bakeries.



She was Pie-rating.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

Then you’re already a mile away and you have their shoes.

Jokes about food should not be criticized too parshley

They should be taken in-gest.



English is not my first cabbage, and my 6-week old cauliflower did not write this joke.

Critics are to authors

what dogs are to lamp-posts.

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

A music critic told me I wouldn’t know music if it hit me in the face.

I knew a friend that had that experience

He’s in the hospital because he was listening to hard rock

Trump, walking and arguing with a critic, stops a random person in the street to ask their opinion on the matter at hand.

Trump: Sir, maybe you can settle something for us; what do YOU think of how I performed as president of the United States?

Random Guy: Monumental

Trump: Thank you sir, you've been very helpful!

(To the Critic) See?! What did I tell you?

Critic: uhhhhh...that guy was Jama...

Netflix’s new live-action anime adaption “One Piece” bombs despite majority positive reviews from critics and audiences

The studio blames their poor numbers off the series glorifying piracy.

She criticized my apartment...

So I knocked her flat

Why was the food critic fired?

They didn't reference their sauces

An Interviewer goes to take the interview of a famous Film Critic .

The critic says that he had watched almost all the films in the world ,which were from all the countries in the world.
The Interviewer asks him whether he knew some Spanish films , and if he did, to name them .

He replies by saying he does and gives the names of some famous Spanish movi...

What did the critic say after the clock was invented

It's about time he did

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just finished reading a book called "How To Give Constructive Criticism"

It was fucking shit.

99 critical bugs in the code... 99 critical bugs. Track one down, patch it when found...

100 critical bugs in the code.

All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with

But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read

There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus

Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus

A critic reads what the local newspapers say about him

The papers say that everything he says seems to contradict itself. Baffled and deeply offended by this, the critic loudly proclaimed:


"My rage is indescribable!"

The restaurant critic wrote that the appetizer was unexceptional

“It was par for the course”

What do you get when you cross a mafioso with a postmodern literary critic?

You get a guy who'll make you an offer you can't understand!

Criticizing the government

for Russian journalists it’s a once-in-a-liftetime opportunity

What the food critic say after eating Shrek?

"He was just meaty ogre"

"Girl are you a vocal critic of the President?"

Cause I've got a suspicious package here for you.

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

What happened to the muslim critic?

He blew everything out of proportion!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's Co worker is criticizing him for smoking

"how often do you smoke?"

"A pack a day"

"How long have you been smoking for?"

"About 22 years now"

"Really? Well I'll tell you why it's dumb, if you had saved that 15 dollars a day for 22 years, you would have had more than 100,000 dollars by now! That's enough for a Fer...

Sometimes parents are too critical.

Like this morning, when I woke up and walked into the kitchen. My dad took one look at me and said, "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"But dad, you've been dead for over a year. Yet here you are in the flesh."

"Then try looking like you've seen a zombie."

A Woman Brings Some Bread To Work... [OC] [long]

A woman works in the Editorial Office of a newspaper and brings in a large, fresh loaf of bread. She puts it in the break room, where eight or so "old boys" are sitting around drinking coffee. She says, "My husband is learning to bake and made this bread, but he made a mistake--"

But at that ...

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between criticism and constructive criticism?

One pisses you off and the other helps to piss you off

An Art Critic is having a bad day.

He arrives in his office, only to hear the phone ring. Picking it up, it's from his agent. This is what he says:

"Alright, I got good news and bad news."

"Tell me the good news first, I've been having a horrible day."

"Ok boss. Good news is that your wife found some pictures. Sa...

People have been criticizing me because I put glue on my hands before handling my weapons

But sometimes one just needs to stick to their guns

I got a new job at retail and spend eight hours a day being yelled at and criticized for things that aren't my fault.

I never thought my humiliation fetish would be good for my career.

A food critic was a farm-to-table restaurant

He flagged down the waiter and asked him how they prepared their chicken.
The waiter replied, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die."

A critic reserves a table at a popular restaurant

It's quite posh, but the restaurant's real claim to fame is the speed of service.

Sure enough, everything flows like clockwork. The diner is seated shortly after arriving, and a waiter arrives quickly to take his order.

While he's waiting for food, the man kids around the restaurant. T...

A critic goes to an art gallery and finds the artist of the pieces there.

Critic: "Would you like to know what I think of your art?"
Artist: "Oh, yes please"
Critic: "It's useless"
Artist: "I know, but I would still like to hear it. "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked


"Very critical," replied the officer


"The fuck is she complaining about now?"

Three men are in a Russian prison cell

The first man says, "I'm here because I criticized Yevgeny Prigozhin"

The second man says, "I'm here because I spoke in favor of Yevgeny Prigozhin"

The third man says, "I am Yevgeny Prigozhin"

How do you express criticism of Israel in America?

\[redacted\]

How much did the critic tip the waitor?

two cents

If you do MDMA you should seriously consider a career as a movie critic.

They're always raving.

My parents always used to criticize me for never finishing anything.

Joke’s on them, though, because now I’m 300 years old because I refuse to finish life. And another thing,

"This is Mission Control speaking, it appears the center of ISS has been critically damaged, is that true?"

"Core wrecked".

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

A renowned book critic heard about a new author that was rapidly gaining in popularity...

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Critics say Botox is too expensive...

...but I spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised.

Why did the film critic protest the new children's cemetery?

He's not a fan of juvenile plots.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.

The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.

What do you call a critical horse?

A nay-sayer.

Thought of this while delivering mail in the countryside.

Why did the wine critic get kicked off the nudist beach?

Because he was wandering around with a semillon.

(best when read out loud)

A movie about janitors impressed critics.

Later that year the movie swept the Oscars.

What do you call a piece of old farm equipment that's always criticizing you?

Detractor.

If Trump gets a coin every time he gets criticized

He would have built the wall using his own money.

Doctor: “Your wife’s in hospital.” Me: “How is she?” Doctor: “I’m afraid she’s critical.”

Me: “You’ll get used to that.”

My girlfriend was told she doesn't take criticism very well

I said that must of been hard to hear

People criticize the Roman that had to crucify Jesus...

...but I think he nailed it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"


The Princess said "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

People will always criticize how you said something ...

irregardless of what you actually said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We often criticize pedophiles...

but they, at least, drive slowly near schools.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump can't take any criticism…

At this point he's such a pussy about it he may as well just grab himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

Everyone criticizes Putin's Russia...

But look at Putin's America!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To people who get pissed off about passive-aggressive criticism...

What else do you do poorly?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend says she’s open to a lot of stuff when it comes to sex

Apparently one of those things isn’t criticism

People like to criticize r/relationship_advice, but it can actually be a very useful indicator of how healthy your relationship is

If your relationship has gotten to the point where you’re asking random Internet strangers for advice, it’s probably not going too well.

Why did the art critics hate Monet so much?

Because he loved having spontaneous impressions.

United States: A reporter that criticizes the government...

...might be labeled as fake news and have mean presidential tweets written about them.



Central America: A reporter that criticizes the government may be secretly arrested in the middle of the night.




Saudi Arabia: Hold my beer...

I have finally completed my PhD in Literary Criticism...

And I beg you not to speak of the irony.

Why did the movie critic give the movie he received on a burned disc a 3.14/5?

Because it was pi-rated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel...

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel

The realist sees a light approaching into the tunnel

The train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railway






EDDIT: u/mandrous's critic accepted!

Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

How would you describe a ninja who is always critical about their own abilities?

Stealth-deprecating.

Critics are comparing Aquaman to Black Panther

At first glance, the movies do appear similar. They both feature ancient sci-fi utopias hidden from the rest of the world. In each movie, theres a fight for the throne in order to stop a war. However, they are ignoring one major difference: the characters in Aquaman can swim.

What did the critics say about Stallone's superhero movie?

It was DREDDful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Worst "joke" I've ever heard.

This is a "joke" told by one of my coworkers Jake. There was me him and 2 other coworkers sitting in the work truck.

Jake: You know how geese always fly in a V?

Me: Yeah

J: Well you know how sometimes the goose in the lead will switch and another goose will fly in the front?
...

What do you call a quick, clever reply to an insult or criticism.

A riposte

She tells me I'm unbelievably self-critical.

I really hate that part of myself.

What do you call a boat that doesn't allow criticism?

A censor-ship

My phone keeps changing critical words in important texts.

Autocorrect, you've made a powerful enema today.

My best friend just ate $10,000 worth of large bills and is in critical condition.

No change is expected

I was telling my friend a joke about sky diving but he gave me constructive criticism on it

It didn’t land very well

What did Putin say to NATO in response to being criticized for annexing parts of Ukraine?

'Oh, Crimea river.'

Unpopular opinion: People criticizing Alabama's new abortion laws are ignorant and intolerant

It's a family matter for them, after all.

What did the theatre critic's ghost say?

Boo

In a doctors office

Woman: “Doctor, how is he? Any news?”


Doctor: “Well the important thing is, he’s going to be fine.”


Woman: “Oh thank God!”


Doctor: “But, you must prepare yourself, the head trauma he sustained has had certain effects on his personality.


Woman: “Oh no!”
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.