What is the difference between a critic and a puppy?

With time, training and patience, it is possible to make a puppy stop whining.

Book joke: "My Life With Overly-Critical Parents"

by DiDi Twong

Trump, walking and arguing with a critic, stops a random person in the street to ask their opinion on the matter at hand.

Trump: Sir, maybe you can settle something for us; what do YOU think of how I performed as president of the United States?

Random Guy: Monumental

Trump: Thank you sir, you've been very helpful!

(To the Critic) See?! What did I tell you?

Critic: uhhhhh...that guy was Jama...

My parents always used to criticize me for never finishing anything.

Joke’s on them, though, because now I’m 300 years old because I refuse to finish life. And another thing,

Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.

Doctor: “Your wife’s in hospital.” Me: “How is she?” Doctor: “I’m afraid she’s critical.”

Me: “You’ll get used to that.”

What do you call a piece of old farm equipment that's always criticizing you?

Detractor.

What do all British people who love criticizing American healthcare have in common?

2 dead teeth and 7 cavities.

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"


The Princess said "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

What do you get when you cross a mafioso with a postmodern literary critic?

You get a guy who'll make you an offer you can't understand!

An Interviewer goes to take the interview of a famous Film Critic .

The critic says that he had watched almost all the films in the world ,which were from all the countries in the world.
The Interviewer asks him whether he knew some Spanish films , and if he did, to name them .

He replies by saying he does and gives the names of some famous Spanish movi...

How do you express criticism of Israel in America?

\[redacted\]

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The five minute management course

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before ...

My girlfriend was told she doesn't take criticism very well

I said that must of been hard to hear

What did the critic say after the clock was invented

It's about time he did

Critics say Botox is too expensive...

...but I spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised.

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An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall.

On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter).

Later, as he’s about to go out, the proprietor asks him was the breakfast all to his liking.
...

A restaurant critic was leaving a posh bistro, disgusted. He told the maitre d', "Sir, do not expect high marks for service!`

"I am so sorry, what happened? `

The critic huffed," There is a sign in your bathroom which clearly states 'Employees must wash hands'. Yet I was in there for 15 minutes, while several employees came and went.
Not a single one offered to wash my hands! "

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

99 critical bugs in the code... 99 critical bugs. Track one down, patch it when found...

100 critical bugs in the code.

Why was the food critic fired?

They didn't reference their sauces

The Jar

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about two inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it wa...

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I've got a conspiracy that NASCAR fucking sucks...

It's my critical race theory.

There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus

Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

Why does everybody hate America so much?

Because America doesn't murder its critics.

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A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight.

During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the air...

A critic reads what the local newspapers say about him

The papers say that everything he says seems to contradict itself. Baffled and deeply offended by this, the critic loudly proclaimed:


"My rage is indescribable!"

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Caller Question

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?

To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

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All these reviews people are leaving in the comment section of pornhub

I just hope there’s a pretentious ratatouille style porn critic who sees that one video that sends him back to his childhood when he developed his very first kink

The restaurant critic wrote that the appetizer was unexceptional

“It was par for the course”

What do you call a critical horse?

A nay-sayer.

Thought of this while delivering mail in the countryside.

I was telling my friend a joke about sky diving but he gave me constructive criticism on it

It didn’t land very well

What did Putin say to NATO in response to being criticized for annexing parts of Ukraine?

'Oh, Crimea river.'

Why did the art critics hate Monet so much?

Because he loved having spontaneous impressions.

A movie about janitors impressed critics.

Later that year the movie swept the Oscars.

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week

and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs...smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'We walked t...

My CTO punished me for not having my new critical changes on production

All for the crime that I didn't commit.

The misunderstanding (joke)

One day, a man from America who has recently moved to Britain, is meeting with an employer. The employer says “ hi, it’s nice to meet you! So what did you do for a living in America?”. The man replies “oh,I was a baker”, but because of the different accents, the employer heard “ oh, I was a banker “...

THE SHOPPER (long)

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband ...

Critical opinions

People keep saying me that I am dumb and I agree, afterall that is why I am still listening them.

People criticize the Roman that had to crucify Jesus...

...but I think he nailed it.

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To people who get pissed off about passive-aggressive criticism...

What else do you do poorly?

Did you know that Brian May, the guitarist from British rockband Queen, has a PhD on Astrophysics?

Yeah, he started his schooling before Queen formed, and achieved his PhD in 2007. One of his dissertations is heavily criticized by the science community though, and it's because he has an odd theory of what causes the Earth's rotation.

You see, he thinks that 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the Roc...

She criticized my apartment...

...so I knocked her flat.

I don't know how anyone can take Putin critics seriously, with how stupid they are.

Keep in mind that these are the same people who habitually trip and fall backwards onto bullets and lock themselves in suitcases.

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

How would you describe a ninja who is always critical about their own abilities?

Stealth-deprecating.

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

People will always criticize how you said something ...

irregardless of what you actually said.

I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.

Hold on, it's 900.

Edit: No, wait, it's 500.

A critic walked up and down the aisles of a modern art exhibit.

He stopped before one particularly abstract work.

"What in the world is that supposed to be?" He wondered aloud.

"That," said the artist, "is *supposed* to be the Great Wall of China at sunset."

"Then why isn't it?" snapped the critic.

"Girl are you a vocal critic of the President?"

Cause I've got a suspicious package here for you.

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An old one my dad used to tell...

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day, and the agents like "good news! I got you a part in a play! It's only one line, but it's the opener and could be your big shot! Okay so the line is..

'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'..
Got that? 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar"

...

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The Government of Canada is reducing the age of consent for anal sex to 16. Critics are suggesting that this is too early to be rectally penetrated, but I respectfully disagree.

As a Canadian, I wish to make it known that I heartily endorse this decision.

These are tumultuous times. Now more than ever, it is vitally important that our young people are equipped with the knowledge and experience they will need to succeed in the real world.

And nothing prepares y...

What the food critic say after eating Shrek?

"He was just meaty ogre"

What did the critics say about Stallone's superhero movie?

It was DREDDful.

So apparently an Olympic downhill skier was injured so many times she donated a huge sum to the local hospital's critical care unit.

Of course they called it the Picabu ICU.

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New study shows the average person has 8 sexual partners in their life.

However it is being criticized for counting your mom who has sex with 30 new people a day and is therefore a statistical outlier.

A famous restaurant critic is eating soup at a fancy restaurant.

This critic was well-known in the industry for his arrogance and rudeness, as well as his overall sloppiness. So it came as no surprise when mid-course he dropped his spoon on the floor, and angrily gestured to get a waiter's attention. When a waiter approached, the critic noticed a spoon tucked in ...

I think it's really shameful how people criticize Lance Armstrong for taking drugs, the man won 7 Tour De France's on them.

When I'm on drugs, I can't even *find* my bike.

A critic goes to an art gallery and finds the artist of the pieces there.

Critic: "Would you like to know what I think of your art?"
Artist: "Oh, yes please"
Critic: "It's useless"
Artist: "I know, but I would still like to hear it. "

All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with

But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read

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Just finished reading a book entitled improve your constructive criticism

It was absolute shit

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What's the difference between criticism and constructive criticism?

One pisses you off and the other helps to piss you off

What do you call a horse that criticizes something?

A naysayer

I have finally completed my PhD in Literary Criticism...

And I beg you not to speak of the irony.

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

If Trump gets a coin every time he gets criticized

He would have built the wall using his own money.

Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

A critic reserves a table at a popular restaurant

It's quite posh, but the restaurant's real claim to fame is the speed of service.

Sure enough, everything flows like clockwork. The diner is seated shortly after arriving, and a waiter arrives quickly to take his order.

While he's waiting for food, the man kids around the restaurant. T...

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

Critics are comparing Aquaman to Black Panther

At first glance, the movies do appear similar. They both feature ancient sci-fi utopias hidden from the rest of the world. In each movie, theres a fight for the throne in order to stop a war. However, they are ignoring one major difference: the characters in Aquaman can swim.

A renowned book critic heard about a new author that was rapidly gaining in popularity...

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines...

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A man's Co worker is criticizing him for smoking

"how often do you smoke?"

"A pack a day"

"How long have you been smoking for?"

"About 22 years now"

"Really? Well I'll tell you why it's dumb, if you had saved that 15 dollars a day for 22 years, you would have had more than 100,000 dollars by now! That's enough for a Fer...

Don't let the naysayers get you down, even the inventor of toilet paper had his critics...

"this is tearable" they said at first.

Swedish inventors have created cyborgs which are hard to distinguish from real humans.

Critics are concerned about the use of artificial Swedeners.

As the conservative party faces criticism over renaming it's Twitter account to Fact Checker,

Boris Johnson doubles down by more accurately renaming his own account Fact Hunt.

To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election!

It's called President Evil.

What happened to the muslim critic?

He blew everything out of proportion!

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A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.

The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.

A food critic was a farm-to-table restaurant

He flagged down the waiter and asked him how they prepared their chicken.
The waiter replied, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die."

What do you call a quick, clever reply to an insult or criticism.

A riposte

An Art Critic is having a bad day.

He arrives in his office, only to hear the phone ring. Picking it up, it's from his agent. This is what he says:

"Alright, I got good news and bad news."

"Tell me the good news first, I've been having a horrible day."

"Ok boss. Good news is that your wife found some pictures. Sa...

United States: A reporter that criticizes the government...

...might be labeled as fake news and have mean presidential tweets written about them.



Central America: A reporter that criticizes the government may be secretly arrested in the middle of the night.




Saudi Arabia: Hold my beer...

What did the theatre critic's ghost say?

Boo

The Lorena Bobbitt documentary was very informative and well directed, my only criticism is that it was way too long

They should have cut half of it.

A child who is critically ill is taken under the Make-A-Wish foundation

Her first wish is to meet Captain America and Thor so Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth arrive at the hospital.

After a long meeting session, the two of them ask her what her next wish is.

"I want to meet Iron Man now"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

Why did the movie critic give the movie he received on a burned disc a 3.14/5?

Because it was pi-rated.

I was criticizing my friend for eating poison when he started to object and then suddenly vomited...

...I said I'm glad you brought that up.

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Why did the wine critic get kicked off the nudist beach?

Because he was wandering around with a semillon.

(best when read out loud)

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