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Thanks Jokes

"No thanks. I am a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary ...

Threesome? No thanks

If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would have dinner with my parents.

In which profession the service providers never receive thanks from the people being served?

Executioners

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

“Son, I found a condom in your room.” “Gee thanks, Grandpa!”

“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”

“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor asks if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for answered prayers.

Susie Smith stands, walks to the podium, and says, “Two months ago my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a mumbled gasp from the men in the congregat...

If I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, "Thanks."

Not "Who are you?" and "How did you get in my apartment?"

A religious man was thinking about how good his wife was to him, so he prayed to god to give thanks.

To the man’s astonishment, the booming voice of god spoke to him.

**Man:** God, I’m so grateful that you gave me my wife. If I may ask, my Lord, why did you make her so beautiful?

**God:** I made her so beautiful so that you could love her, my son.

**Man:** And why did you mak...

Thanks to Daylight Savings Time . . .

My girlfriend thinks I lasted an hour and two minutes.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "thanks"...

"I said don't mention it"...

Thanks student loans for getting me through college.

I don't think I can ever pay you back.

An old man thanks Stalin

"Thank you, comrade Stalin, for giving me a wonderful childhood!"

One of Stalin's aides interrupts: "What are you talking about? When you were a child, comrade Stalin wasn't even born yet!"

The old man replies: "and that's why I'm thanking him!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My eleven year old still doesn't know how to add, thanks to this shitty education system.

Seriously, who thought letting me homeschool him his whole life was a good idea?

After years of Investing and Careful Trading I finally have a Six figure Portfolio thanks to Crypto.

Current Balance: $10.0001

Why Hello! Thanks for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call....

Thanks New Hampshire…

Your the reason 49 other states have to buy signs saying “Buckle up, its the State Law”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was told that masturbating too much can make me blind (thanks, mom). Then later I overheard that carrots are really good for the eyes.

So now everytime I masturbate I put a carrot up my ass.

A baby whale told his mother thanks for making me.

She said your whale cum.

Thanks to your donations, we've completely transformed this homeless man...

Into a homeless woman.

Thanks to these vaccination cards...

I'll never lose my v card

Amber alert has a new meaning now thanks to Amber Heard

It's what the city sends to men when Amber is seen at a bar.

Thanks to the person who helped me translate 'mucho' earlier!

It means a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy told me I'm weird and asked for my deets to pass on to a therapist who might be able to straighten me out. I said "No thanks....

....I prefer to remain anomalous."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thanks Google Nest....

I get a notice on my phone saying a unknown person was seen walking in the house early morning...shows a picture of me.... well.. fuck you to you judgmental asshole lol

"Thanks for the gold, kind stranger"

I told as I was taking away his dental implant.

What was the turkey thankful for on Thanksgiving?

vegetarians!

Thanks to my girlfriend, I am a millionaire.

I was a billionaire a few days before we met.

Thanks to being furloughed I have finally had time to clean out my attic.

I haven't cleaned it, but I have had time.

Sorry this isn't really a joke but I wanted to say thanks

I wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both especially like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y'all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn't seem like much but it has been very nice to be a...

Thanks to Kim Jong-un....

Donald Trump is only the second most brain dead world leader...

Thanks everyone

I want to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of "many".

It means a lot.

Thanks to Reddit,

I now refer to voting as dooting

Thanks Spotify for all the study playlists

They were instrumental in my success

I put my blood, sweat, and tears into my work, and this is the thanks I get.

The restaurant is not pressing charges but I'll be lucky to find work as a chef again.

I’d like to say thanks to the person who taught me the meaning of the word “many”

It really means a lot

Thanks for introducing me to minimalism.

It is the least you could do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once stole a jar of orca semen from my friend, the scientist. After a few years, I felt bad, and eventually returned it. My friend was obviously confused by this and said "Thanks, but what is it?" I replied...

"Your whale cum."

They say fizzy drinks will soon disappear from the shelves in UK supermarkets thanks to Brexit.

The UK Government should do a trade deal with Mexico, I hear they're really good at getting coke across the border.

Thanks to my wife I’m now a millionaire

Also, I lost my place on the forbes billionaire list.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor: Hi how are you today? Patient: I'm well thanks.

Doctor: Get the fuck out then.

Thanks for coming

I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase.

Thanks to my internet service provider, I was finally able to read a book....

They had an outage

Me: Thanks for always being there for me. *leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: Sir, please just pay for your stuff and leave.

In Germany, online jokes can be given as a sign of thanks.

They call them danke memes.

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him.

The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."

The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a ministe...

People always get mad when someone thanks god instead of the doctor, after the doctor saves their life in some complicated procedure...

But if I knew I was going to have 10 years of medical debt, I wouldn't thank the person that saved me either.

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