Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...

...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a policeman asking me questions.

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

Thanks r/tumblr

It's a five minute walk from my house to the the pub.

It's a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Never challenge death to a pillow fight

unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

Man 1: Thanks for introducing me to minimalism

Man 2: No problem! It's the least I could do

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut? With thanks to my 9 year old

A Barbecue.

Thanks to the person who helped me translate 'mucho' earlier!

It means a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

“Dad..I have an imaginary girlfriend.”

His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?”

“Thanks dad. That means a lot.”

“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”

On this day, when we Americans storm Area 51, you Europeans should storm the Vatican Archives

We'll take on the aliens, you'll take on the predators.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

Two parents are taking their newborn son for a stroll. A passerby looks into the carriage and exclaims, "What a beautiful baby!". The father thanks the passerby, and added, "Yes, my son here is some of my best work!"

The mother, slightly miffed, asks her husband, "Why did you take all the credit? I carried this baby for none months. I delivered him after 10 hours of labor. All you did was have10 minutes of fun!"

The husband replied, "When you have a good meal, who do you thank? The chef or the oven?"<...

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned"

Edit : Thanks for the silver kind strangers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night

thanks daylight savings

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A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

‘Nurse’, he mumbles. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong with them sir’. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ‘ Thanks for that, it was lovely but l...

Thanks Spotify for all the study playlists

They were instrumental in my success

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies

"you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven...

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

Thanks to global warming, Inuit women are being forced to wear less and less clothing.

*No ice.*

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Son, have a vodka with me!

- No, thanks, dad.
- Come, have a drink with your father!
- Dad, I'm 5. -
Dad is shitfaced but he insists:
- Ok, just one shot.
The kid drinks it and start crying:
- Ewwwww, it's disgustiiiiiiing!
- Ha! You see?! And your mother thinks I'm sitting here having fun!

(Russi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

i only made this because i could not post in r/memes thanks to my karma being too low

one day i tried to tell a chemistry joke



but i got no reaction

A man is at his wife’s funeral

and a woman asks him if she can say a word.

He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’.

The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.

A black hole walks into a bar

A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.

The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President Trump met the Queen of England in her palace

Trump: “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" ...

What did the ghost say when it woke up with a bad hangover?

“Man, I really need to lay off the boos.”

“Son, I found a condom in your room.” “Gee thanks, Grandpa!”

“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”

“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"

The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just had sex for 1hr and 2 minutes

Thanks daylight saving.

I went in the chippy and said to the fella behind the counter ‘can I have a piece of cod?’ He said ‘yeah would you like it battered?’

I said ‘no thanks, just give it a quick slap I’m in a hurry’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Son: Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Because you mother loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter.
Son: Thanks Dad.
Dad: No problem Alan.

Thanks to the innovative and powerful cheese grater design of the new mac pro...

...People can finally become Mac Cook Pros

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the common point between jews and shoes ?

Its easier to find in 39 than in 45


Edit : Thanks for the gold king stranger ! That was a joke. sorry if i offended anyone, just wanted to make people laugh, have a good day

A woman goes into a drugstore.

"Do you sell XL condoms?" she asks the pharmacist.

"Yes, of course, family planning is in aisle 5," he replies.

"Thanks," she says, and walks over.

About a half hour later the pharmacist is stocking shelves and sees the woman still standing in aisle 5.

"Did you find the c...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was riding my motorcycle down a serpentine in Switzerland

When I entered a small forest in the valley a deer showed up in the middle of the road, and in spite of all of my maneuvering I crashed in to it and flew into a ditch going along the road and passed out. When I woke up and climbed up back to the road i saw a beautiful old cabriolet with a hot brunet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident...

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The wife's face was burned severely. The doctor suggested for a skin graft, but unfortunately, the doctor had to inform her that they couldn't use any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then offered to donate some of hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000

The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest...

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

Courtesy of my four year old

Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?

A: Popcorn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

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