A man goes to a job interview

A man goes to a job interview and presents himself well. The interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is."Wow! You have an amazing resume and you present yourself fantastically but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume, what happened there?" Asked an interviewer....

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."

The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says “This is your last wish so really make this one count.” The guys says “Well I’ve always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, bec...

A little old lady sold pretzels on the corner for fifty cents each

A little old lady sold pretzels on the street corner for fifty cents each. Every day, a young lawyer would exit his office building at lunch, and as he passed her pretzel stand, he'd leave two quarters. However, he never took a pretzel.

This went on for nearly five years.

Even though ...

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A young mailman gets gets farewell...

A young mailman is transferred to another town and as he did a very good job at his work, the people of the town decided to greet him with something on the last day.

The mailman goes from one house to other collecting gifts and treats.

One lady gives him some cash to show her gratitude...

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expres...

The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show o...

A couple years ago, I was scheduled to be the keynote speaker at a dyslexia convention in Los Angeles.

As I prepared for my speech, I wrote some notes and jokes on an index card. Most of the jokes came from r/Jokes.

Unfortunately, I was in a car accident the day before the convention, and I ended up in the Emergency Room. They took such good care of me that I was ready to give my speech the ne...

the story of jimmy the dumb student

there once was a boy named jimmy who studied in an elementary school in a small town in oklahoma,

this kid was so stupid he didn't understand anything at all, no one liked him, his teacher ms. dorothy always yelled at him: "jimmy you're gonna give me a heart attack!"

one day his mom c...

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

An old couple enters a cafe in normandy, overlooking the beach.

The couple are clearly tourists, and when the couple sits down at a table the waitress noticed that the old man is missing a part of his leg. Curious, the waitress approaches them and decides to ask why.

After asking the question the old woman answers, stating that her husband fought in the w...

A woman was taking her late husband to the undertakers.

He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit,...

How do generals show their gratitude to their troops?

They give tanks.

The surgeon and his wife.

Heard this in the OR today during surgery.

A middle aged surgeon and his wife are walking along a sandy beach, when they notice a brass lamp protruding from then ground.
The wife picks it up and a genie immediately spouts forth from the lamp. "You each may have 3 wishes", the genie says....

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A man finds a magic lamp from which a genie suddenly pops out...

...the man can not believe what he sees but quickly understands what it means. In excitement, he starts reciting his first wish when the genie cuts him.

"You who saved me from my curse shall receives three wishes as symbol of my gratitude, all though, I should firs-"

"Spare me the det...

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A local man wins the lottery.

After he’s cashed in his winnings he’s overwhelmed with joy, gratitude, and serenity. He wants to give back to his community and he thinks that everyone should get in on the feels. He decides to throw a grand party at his new mansion where anyone in town can come to eat and drink for free as long as...

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A friend told me this, and he might have got it from reddit so this might be a repost but here it goes [Long]

3 best friends decide to travel to an lonely little island somewhere near the Bahamas in the hopes of having a relaxing camping trip, for old time’s sake.

They arrive by water plane, and the pilot informs them that he’ll be returning to pick them up the next day. The men, happy to finally be ...

A penguin is driving through the desert...

He's cruising down a long stretch of highway when all of a sudden his car starts billowing smoke out from under the hood. The car starts sputtering, and being so far from home and in such heat, he starts to worry about his own safety. Luckily, as his car starts to come to a halt, he notices a gas st...

A man and a genie

A man is walking on a sandy beach in Southern California, and what appears to be a very old bottle washes up on the shores.

The genie expressed gratitude for the man freeing him from the bottle.

The genie says "I am in your debt, but I can only grant you one wish."

The man says ...

A Tv-crew is sent to interview a farmer before the election.

"Could you please share with our viewers, how has the past year been for you?"

"Well, you know I can't complain. I had a very good harvest of wheat, so my family definitely won't go hungry. My vegetable patches brought in amazing organic crops, I was able to sell those at a good profit. And ...

Eye doctor...

A world famous painter is diagnosed with a serious eye disease and is sure to lose his sight. He goes to a local eye doctor in desperation and after giving it some thought, he is able to reverse the disease and cure the man.

In gratitude, the painter goes to work painting a large rendition o...

There was this world famous painter

In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to sh...

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3 men are wandering the desert and find a magic lamp

One of them picks it up and gives it a rub and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me, as a sign of gratitude I shall grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man quickly speaks "I wish I had a million dollars!" the genie nods and the man gets his phone, checks his bank account and ...

Staking a claim

In 1897 a young man set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect for gold.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses t...

Man playing golf

A man was playing golf on a bright sunny day, he could see the hole in front of him and he decides to take a swing.

Unfortunately he misses and the ball lands in a bush so he decides to run over to find it. Whilst looking for the ball he finds a golden lamp, he notices that it is quite dirty...

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Eastern Europe Loved the USSR

In 1970 a Soviet trade delegation visits Czechoslovakia. The delegation is met at the airport by the minister for trade, and as the minister and the leader of the delegation drive to the city in the minister’s Zil limousine, the minister points out a large bronze statue of Lenin just outside the air...

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The tale of Paul and Old Joe

There once was a man named Paul who, after some trouble with the law, found himself homeless behind a fast food joint just outside of Wichita, Kansas. He stayed there for a few days, drinking from the bathroom sinks and eating scraps from the trash, when an old rancher named Joe found him and took p...

A very rich American gentleman...

A very rich American gentleman was walking along minding his own business, briefcase in hand. He wore glasses, a suit, and a well-trimmed beard.

Suddenly, a shorter, poorly dressed man appeared in his path. He desperately needed a shave and his eyes seemed to bug out.

"Sir! May I ple...

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A man returns from work on a Friday evening and suddenly comes across the bottle

He opens the bottle and, all of a sudden, genie comes out of there.

The Genie says: "Thank you, mortal, you have released me from my miserable sentence. And, in order to show you my eternal gratitude, I will grant you one of your fondest wishes."

The man says: "Oh, I want nothing more,...

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A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...and spends many months alone. Just as he's reaching the point that he's starting to go crazy, he spots a ship in the distance and, all excited, lights a fire on the beach that he'd prepared for just such an eventuality.

He's overjoyed when he sees the ship change course and start heading f...

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Charlie the mailman is about to retire...

After 35 years on his route, he sets out for his last day. A woman opens her door as he delivers her mail and asks "Is it true today's your last day Charlie?"


"Yes ma'am."


"Please, come in, I have something for you!" and she welcomes Charlie to a delightful breakfast.

<...

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Southern ball in need of two male guests.

A lady of the plantation in a southern state was holding a ball in her wonderful country house. With most of the local well-to-do's attending and a great portion of her extended family (those who she did invite, of course) coming as well, she found herself with a problem.


Her two nieces w...

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To celebrate their 7th anniversary a man and his wife....

Spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.

"Let's be extra carefu...

A guy comes into a bar upset

Bartender asks him whats wrong, he tells the bartender "I've been doing this housewife for months now but I really want to break up with her but don't know how, she doesn't take bad news well. Shes in the car now waiting." Bartender says, "Well its dark out there and our voices sound similar, I coul...

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The Hermit

A man had a tiny penis. He went to doctors,surgeons, faith healers , witch doctors etc to try and get it larger.
All their knowledge was in vain as they could do nothing about it.
A relative of his who saw this, told him about a hermit who lived on the peak of the Himalayas who had been know...

A man brought his son to a grocery store...

A man brought his son to a grocery store, but as soon as they walked in the store the young child began to throw a temper tantrum. While they went down each aisle the child would yell, throw items in and out of the cart, and overall just be an annoyance.

Despite the scene his son was causing...

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So a guy is standing there, explaining his story to another guy....

And he starts off "Yeah, so listen, it was crazy right? I got laid off from my job, and when I got home, my wife had taken all my stuff and moved out. She left some note, said she was done with me. What could I do? So I'm sitting there in my empty house, realizing my life has come down around me, an...

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A man walks along a beach in Hawaii when he finds a lamp.

He picks it up and brushes it off, when a genie pops up! He says,
"My good man, thank you for freeing me from this lamp. As a token of my gratitude, you can have three wishes from me."

The man is elated. "I wish I could have a Ferrari!" The genie snaps his fingers and a shiny red Ferrari m...

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The rabbit, the bear, and the wish granting frog (My first post, please be gentle)

A rabbit was sitting in the forest straining to expel the demons caused from a bad meal he had eaten the night before, when he heard a rustling in the bush not far from him. Knowing he was near the bottom of the food chain, he tried to hurry it up.

Just as the rabbit finished his business, ...

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A college student does a semester abroad, and lands in the Shetland Islands...[this one benefits from a fine Scots brogue!]

He's doing some research into a certain strain of peat that grows up there in the harsh, cold Shetland climate, and he takes a plane to a boat to a small plane to a ferry, and arrives around midnight.

And nobody is there. Nobody at the ferry pier, nobody in the streets. He finds the address o...

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A man with an apple-sized head walks into a bar...

A man with a head the size of an apple walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender is understandably taken aback by the size of the man's head and says to him:

"Mate, I know you probably get asked this all the time but why is your head so small? There's a free beer in it for you if you ...

Yet another damn genie joke

A man is walking on the beach in California when he trips over a lamp in the sand. A genie emerges and says, "You've freed me after being in that lamp for a thousand years! In gratitude, I will give you one wish."

The man thinks for a bit and says, "You know, I'd like to visit Hawaii, but I'm...

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Genie in a Bottle

A man and his wife are playing a round of golf on a very expensive golf course surrounded by luxurious Mansions on both sides of the course.

They arrive at hole on the edge of the course and the wife drives her ball down the fairway, the ball gets caught in wind and lands on the property of ...

Former Olympic skier Pickabo Street donated money to a local hospital...

Former Olympic skier Pickabo Street donated money to a local hospital. In gratitude, the hospital named their emergency ward after her-- it's now the Picabo ICU.

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A man walks into a backwoods bar in Kentucky and orders a cosmopolitan.

A man walks into a backwoods bar in Kentucky and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks the man over and says, “Not from ’round here, are ya?” “No” replies the man, “I’m from Providence, Rhode Island.” The bartender looks at him and says, “Well what do ya do in Providence?” “I’m a taxidermist,” ...

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