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My friend exclaimed, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I mumbled, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

Congratulations, America.

Zero school shootings so far this year.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his...

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Success is like being pregnant.

Everybody says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you got fucked.

Demi Lovato announced they are non-binary today

Congratulations Themi Lovato!

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulatio...

Congratulations to Donald J. Trump for winning

the silver medal in the 2020 U.S. Presidential race!

Congratulations to the obvious winner of last night’s debate...

The voyager space probe hurtling away from our solar system at over 35k mph!

Be careful what you wish for

One for cake day:

Tom finds an old, tarnished lamp. He gets excited, and polishes it vigorously.

A genie appears and say "Congratulations, you get three wishes! What is your first wish?"

Tom says, "I want to be Rich!".

The genie says, "No problem, done. What is your ne...

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An engineer, after being unemployed for a long time, decided to open his own hospital.

At the front, he put up a sign: “We can cure any disease with just $500! If we fail, we’ll give you back $1000.”

One doctor, thinking that this was an easy grab, visited the hospital right away.


Doctor: “I lost my taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please give 3 drops of medicine #22...

Dad: Son, congratulations. Im sure you will remeber today as the happiest day of your life.

Son: Thanks dad! But wedding is tomorrow.

Dad: I know.

Congratulations, you made it through 6 month of 2020!

3 more to go!

Congratulations America. 51 years ago you landed on the moon!!!

Now you can’t even go to Canada.

Congratulations, America.

Two months without a school shooting.

4 men are in the hospital waiting rooms, because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”

The man says, “That’s...

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An old rabbi wins the lottery

The man wins $3,000,000.00

A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house

She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"

The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family...

“Congratulations on winning most secretive person in the office”

“I can’t tell you what this means to me”

Congratulations 2020 graduating class

Reigning senior skip day champions!

Congratulations, your ears hang as low as an Amish person's.

But can you tie a Mennonite?

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How come when a woman is pregnant, everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations.

But no one rubs your balls and says good job?

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The man with no balls

There was once a man who had no balls who started working in an office.


“Congratulations, Josh!” The boss exclaims, “Our office hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, but you can come at 10 AM”.


“Why is that?” Josh asks.


“Well you see, from 8 to 10 all we do here is play with ...

A Police Officer Pulls Over a Car With Four People in it.

When the driver opens the window, he proceeds to say, "Congratulations, because everyone has their seatbelt on today, you are going to win a $200 gift card!"

The driver responds, "Oh thank goodness, I thought you were pulling me over for running that stop sign a mile back."

The front s...

Congratulations to Whitney Houston!

As of today she has been drug free for 8 years!

Fred was walking the long way home back to his house.(Long)

He had a long day at work and was feeling very sad that none of his co-workers had wished him well on this special day for him.

Fred walked past his neighbors who all waved to him but gave no special congratulations.

Fred began to feel worse and worse for himself as he finally made i...

I tried my best to translate this from Romanian

A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender

Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?

Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.

Nun: Yes?

Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a lea...

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"

"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a...

A man walks into a coffee shop

Cashier: Congratulations! You are our 10,000th customer. Enjoy this complimentary bagel.

Man: Gee, thanks!

Cashier: That will be £2.50 please. Cash or card?

Man: I thought you said it was complimentary...

Bagel: You have a beautiful smile

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

Last night I was laying in bed naked with my girlfriend when she started to cough.

She told me she might need to get tested for Covid.

I pulled the covers over her head, then I farted.

She goes "ewwww, that stinks. Oh my God I can taste it!!!".

Then I pulled the covers off of her and said "Congratulations. You don't have Covid".

A man is in the final stages of getting ready for his wedding...

Everything is going well except for one small matter of his bride to be's extremely hot younger sister. One afternoon, a week before the big day, he finds himself alone with her in the house. She slides up to him and suggests to go upstairs - before he finally settles down to a life of wedded bliss....

How do you tell a sea pig from a land pig?

Ask. If your mouth fills up with water it’s a sea pig.

How do you tell a land pig from a sky pig?

Ask. If it starts talking you’re hallucinating.

How do you tell a land pig from a black and white pig?

Ask. If it doesn’t reply it’s a picture, and you’re crazy now.

H...

Congratulations to Justin Trudeau on the results of the Canadian Election

He always did want to be a minority.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, congratulations on the job promotion!" the bartender says. "Thanks. But you know, success in life is kind of like being pregnant," the guy replies. "Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were screwed."

Congratulations to Donald Trump winning the presidency...

May his global impact be as tiny as his hands

Congratulations West Ham

The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

Congratulations, you've won a free vacation across Canada! You have a choice between experiencing the vast Canadian Arctic, or everything else that Canada has to offer.

You either see all of it, or Nunavut.

A new business was opening...

one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: 'Rest in Peace.'

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how ...

Billionaire's Party

A billionaire built a large pool for his man eating shark. At parties he would tell guests, “If anyone can swim the length of this pool then I will give you one of three things: $10 million, half of my estate, or the hand of my daughter in marriage.”

No one ever took the billionaire up on the...

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A man goes into a bar and orders three shots of tequila...

"What's the special occasion?" the bartender asks him.

"I'm celebrating my first blowjob,"he replies.

"Well congratulations,"the bartender says."The next ones on the house."

"Nahh thanks anyway but if three shots won't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

/r/LatvianJokes, you are Subreddit of the Day! Congratulations!

Is only joke. Is actually secret police.

Congratulations to the #1 best selling fiction novel!

Barely in front of the Bible, the Holy Quran makes it to the top this year!

Dad, me and my wife just adopted our first child!

Dad: Congratulations, is it a boy or a girl?

Me: Good question, looks like a Thai.

A car is pulled over by a police officer. The officer walks up to the driver and says, "Congratulations, you're the 100th driver to remember putting on your seatbelt today, and so you have won $2000! So sir, what do you think you'll do with those money?"

The driver says, "I'd probably buy a driver's license."

His wife sitting next to him says "Don't listen to him Officer, he's been drinking."

A man exclaims from the backseat, "I've told you both this, we never get anywhere in stolen cars!"

A voice can be heard from the trunk sho...

How to know everything you need to know

Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman’s progress...

Congratulations to the woman who gave birth to the kid named Envelope.

Hopefully, she keeps us posted.

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A man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey.

The bartender obliges, and the man takes 1 shot, 2 shots and 3 shots, no problem.

Impressed, the bartender inquires "What's the occasion for the 3 shots?"

The man replies, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob."

Being the ...

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

Congratulations Tony Romo.

For finally making it to the Super Bowl.

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Home COVID Test

1. Pour a shot of Scotch and sniff it.
2. If you can smell the Scotch, drink it to test that you can taste it.
3. If you can smell and taste the Scotch, congratulations, your test is negative.

I took this test ten times in a row last night, all negative. But, this morning, I woke up wi...

Three men die and go to heaven

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.

A cou...

Congratulations USA

We have officially gone black and gone back.

This joke about Covid circulating around Chinese web boards...

If someone walking ahead of you farts and you can can hear it, that means you're not practicing correct social distancing.

If you can smell it, that means you're not wearing your mask properly.

If you are wearing your mask properly and can still smell it, then congratulations, you don'...

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Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal

Now the men can finally marry their brothers

The lion got married and arranged a big wedding party. All the animals came to the wedding to congratulate him.

The rabbit came, put his hand on the his upper back and said: "congratulations my brother!! I wish..." the lion got angry by hearing the word brother, stopped him immediately and roar at him "BROTHER!?!? How the hell can you be my brother?!? I'm a LION!!! the king of all the living animals, and you'...

Contest Emcee: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles!

Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?

“Hey man, congratulations on that aggressive knuckle cancer.”

(Fist bump)

Congratulations to Tom Brady, the first player to be undefeated over 5+ Super Bowls.

He's won all 5/7.

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

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Dave at the Clinic.

Doctor: Congratulations Dave Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Dave: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Dave: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me ...

Congratulations to the guy who invented the knock knock jokes.

He's just won the 'No-Bell' prize.

A certain TV station was a hosting a contest and I happened to be the first caller

The host said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a basic maths question."

"Well, I've got a master's in ...

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Four girls sign up for to take the latest career aptitude test.

The examiner tells them there is only one question - just unscramble the letters in a word. So they looked at the word and after a moment one girl said "I know what that says! It says SPINE!"

"Congratulations!" said the examiner. "You will be a doctor."

The other three girls examine ...

A man goes to a cemetery

He asks to buy a plot for his deceased wife. The sales guy looks confused and says “but your wife died 10 years ago and is already buried here.”
The man replies that he needs a plot for his second wife, whom he married 4 years ago.
The salesman says, “Oh, I didn’t know you remarried. Congratul...

3 men in a waiting room while their wives give birth

Three men are waiting together in a waiting room while their wives are all giving birth.

The men start to talk and learn about each other while they wait.

The nurse comes out and tells the first guy "Congratulations your wife has given birth and you now have 2 handsome twin boys"
...

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