The 58+ Best Congratulations Jokes

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Congratulations to me! Just made my last mortgage payment. I'm having a huge party. Come on over.

BTW, I still owe them like $80 thousand, but fuck 'em.

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I mumbled, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I groaned, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins." The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the 3M company."

The nurse tells the third man: "Congratulations You're having quadruplets."

The third man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence i ...

Babies

Three men are sitting in a waiting room in a hospital. Their wives were having a baby.

The doctor goes to the first man and says: "Congratulations you have twins!"

"That's funny, because I work at Double Fudge ice cream shop!" replies the man.

The doctor goes to the second ma...

NASTY JOKE WARNING: A man pulls into a motel late at night....

He goes to the office and the clerk asks, "what can I do for you?" The man says, "well, I just got married and we'd like a room by the lake."

"Oh, well congratulations," the clerk said. "I'll give you a nice cabin by the lake." He gives the man the keys and directs him to a cabin. He wa...

When Chuck Norris was born…

The doctor said “Congratulations! You have two healthy parents.”

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery..

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the ...

Congratulations USA

Zero school shootings so far this year.

A man was congratulating his son and daughter

“Hey Dad! I did it! I was just promoted!”

“Congratulations son! I knew you could do it! You’re so smart and you worked so hard!”

“Hey Dad, I also just got promoted!”

“Congratulations daughter, I knew you could do it! You’re so beautiful!”

“I…what…? But I…worked h...

Congratulations, your daughter is getting married.

Who is the lucky guy?

She is going to mary Tyler Moore.

Sorry for the terrible joke.

If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist...

congratulations, you're doing great!

A guy walks into a bar, orders a bottle of champagne and yells "Happy New Year!"

"It's not even close to midnight yet, you idiot," the bartender reprimands him. "Oh, I'm sorry. I suspect I might have a rare medical condition that makes me yell that," the guy apologizes. "I think I suffer from premature congratulations."

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

- Congratulations ! You’ve just won the most-awkward-situations award

-really?!!

-not you , the dude on your right

Imagine if your cell phone battery was on ten percent and it lasted for eight days..

Congratulations. You understand Hanukkah.

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

“Congratulations,” said the doctor, “you have a new life growing inside you!”

The patient said, “I’m a man.”

The doctor said, “the tapeworm doesn’t care.”

Bill and Bob met at the local bar after work.

Bob said to Bill, "So you were going to propose to Lisa yesterday evening. Are congratulations in order?"

Bill said, "Not yet. They'll have to wait."

Bob asked, "How long?"

"It could be a while," replied Bill, "she said I'm the last person she'll marry."

Congratulations to Donald J. Trump for winning

the silver medal in the 2020 U.S. Presidential race!

Congratulations to the obvious winner of last night’s debate...

The voyager space probe hurtling away from our solar system at over 35k mph!

Congratulations to Donald Trump winning the presidency...

May his global impact be as tiny as his hands

Job interview

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap in your resume?

Candidate: I was in Yale.

Interviewer: Congratulations! You are hired.

Candidate: Thank you. I really need this Yob.

Congratulations West Ham

The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

Old School Turtle Test

The Turtle Test tests how clean your mind is. There are four questions. Each question is correctly answered with a clean response.

Q1: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a dog do on three legs?

A1: >!Shake hands.!<

Q2: What's it called when two co...

/r/LatvianJokes, you are Subreddit of the Day! Congratulations!

Is only joke. Is actually secret police.

Congratulations, America.

Two months without a school shooting.

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How come when a woman is pregnant, everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations.

But no one rubs your balls and says good job?

In an apartment complex, a beautiful woman and three men live

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
...

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Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball lottery.

Congratulations, you made it through 6 month of 2020!

3 more to go!

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

Congratulations America. 51 years ago you landed on the moon!!!

Now you can’t even go to Canada.

Congratulations 2020 graduating class

Reigning senior skip day champions!

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A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of tequila.

The bartender pours them out, and the man starts drinking them. "What's the occasion?" the bartender asks.

"I just had my first blowjob," the man replies.

"Oh yeah?" the bartender says, "That's great news! I'll tell you what - the next shot is on the house. Congratulations!"

The...

Congratulations, your ears hang as low as an Amish person's.

But can you tie a Mennonite?

Congratulations to Whitney Houston!

As of today she has been drug free for 8 years!

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Young (who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about medicine) thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000
so he went to Dr. Geeze...

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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

Dad: Son, congratulations. Im sure you will remeber today as the happiest day of your life.

Son: Thanks dad! But wedding is tomorrow.

Dad: I know.

“Congratulations on winning most secretive person in the office”

“I can’t tell you what this means to me”

A hooker goes to the doctor

She tells the doctor she feels nauseous, after few tests the doctor comes back to tell her that she's pregnant

"Congratulations, so do you know who's the father?"

"If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one caused the fart?"

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A guy went into a bank to ask for a loan. ‘I have some black powder,’ he told the manager. ‘You sprinkle it on a woman’s vagina and it makes it taste like a peach.’ ‘I’m sorry,’ said the manager. ‘I don’t think we can give you a loan for that.’

A few months later the same guy entered the same bank pushing a wheelbarrow full of money.
The manager said: ‘Congratulations. I guess that idea for black powder really paid off.’
‘No, that didn’t go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder.’
‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘What doe...

Congratulations to Justin Trudeau on the results of the Canadian Election

He always did want to be a minority.

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

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Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal

Now the men can finally marry their brothers

Congratulations, you've won a free vacation across Canada! You have a choice between experiencing the vast Canadian Arctic, or everything else that Canada has to offer.

You either see all of it, or Nunavut.

The best doctor in town vs John

There is a doctor in town who can cure almost any sickness. His confidence for his ability made him put up a sign that says "If I heal you, you pay $100. If I can't, I'll give you $200". John saw this and decided to take advantage of it. He came to the clinic the next day claiming to have lost the s...

Congratulations USA

We have officially gone black and gone back.

A car is pulled over by a police officer. The officer walks up to the driver and says, "Congratulations, you're the 100th driver to remember putting on your seatbelt today, and so you have won $2000! So sir, what do you think you'll do with those money?"

The driver says, "I'd probably buy a driver's license."

His wife sitting next to him says "Don't listen to him Officer, he's been drinking."

A man exclaims from the backseat, "I've told you both this, we never get anywhere in stolen cars!"

A voice can be heard from the trunk sho...

Contest Emcee: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles!

Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?

Congratulations to Tom Brady, the first player to be undefeated over 5+ Super Bowls.

He's won all 5/7.

A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.

"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."

Congratulations to the woman who gave birth to the kid named Envelope.

Hopefully, she keeps us posted.

A Ukrainian man and a Russian man are out fishing when suddenly the Russian reels in a golden fish.

The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes."

The fish turns to the Russian man and says "Since you are the one who reeled me in, you get to go first."

"Alright," says the Russian, "I wish that all of the foreigne...

“Hey man, congratulations on that aggressive knuckle cancer.”

(Fist bump)

Congratulations to Amy Winehouse...

...on six months of sobriety.

Congratulations Tony Romo.

For finally making it to the Super Bowl.

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A young man walks into a bar and orders ten whiskeys...

The bartender is skeptical, but obliges. He lines the shot glasses up and pours the whiskey. The man then downs all ten shots one after the other, with no pause.

"What's the occasion," asks the bartender.

"My first blowjob," replies the young man.

The bartender smiles. "Well, ...

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