Congratulations Jokes

Zero school shootings so far this year.

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the 3M company."

The nurse tells the third man: "Congratulations You're having quadruplets."

The third man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence i ... read more

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

Is only joke. Is actually secret police.

The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

May his global impact be as tiny as his hands

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

The patient said, “I’m a man.”

The doctor said, “the tapeworm doesn’t care.”

“Hey Dad! I did it! I was just promoted!”

“Congratulations son! I knew you could do it! You’re so smart and you worked so hard!”



“Hey Dad, I also just got promoted!”

“Congratulations daughter, I knew you could do it! You’re so beautiful!”

“I…what…? But I…worked h... read more

the silver medal in the 2020 U.S. Presidential race!

Who is the lucky guy?

She is going to mary Tyler Moore.



Sorry for the terrible joke.

When she woke up, the doctor told her, “congratulations, you gave birth to healthy twins: a girl and a boy. Your ex-boyfriend visited and named them for you”

The woman replies, “no not him! What did he name the boy?”

Doctor: Mason

Woman: Oh that’s actually not a bad name. How ab... read more

-really?!!

-not you , the dude on your right

He's won a Super Bowl ring for every finger.

congratulations, you're doing great!

Two months without a school shooting.

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my... read more

3 more to go!

The voyager space probe hurtling away from our solar system at over 35k mph!

Reigning senior skip day champions!

Now you can’t even go to Canada.

Son: Thanks dad! But wedding is tomorrow.

Dad: I know.

But can you tie a Mennonite?

As of today she has been drug free for 8 years!

“I can’t tell you what this means to me”

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
... read more

We have officially gone black and gone back.

He always did want to be a minority.

You either see all of it, or Nunavut.

He goes to the office and the clerk asks, "what can I do for you?" The man says, "well, I just got married and we'd like a room by the lake."

"Oh, well congratulations," the clerk said. "I'll give you a nice cabin by the lake." He gives the man the keys and directs him to a cabin. He wa... read more

The driver says, "I'd probably buy a driver's license."

His wife sitting next to him says "Don't listen to him Officer, he's been drinking."

A man exclaims from the backseat, "I've told you both this, we never get anywhere in stolen cars!"

A voice can be heard from the trunk sho... read more

My aunt (who already has 3 children from different fathers) posted on facebook that she is pregnant with twins. I commented: "Congratulations, finally two children from the same father".

Hopefully, she keeps us posted.

"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."

Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?

For finally making it to the Super Bowl.

(Fist bump)

He's won all 5/7.

He's just won the 'No-Bell' prize.

The rabbit came, put his hand on the his upper back and said: "congratulations my brother!! I wish..." the lion got angry by hearing the word brother, stopped him immediately and roar at him "BROTHER!?!? How the hell can you be my brother?!? I'm a LION!!! the king of all the living animals, and you'... read more

who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbors' smoke alarm!

He comes across what looks like a Catholic mission in the middle of nowhere. On an old hand-written sign he sees "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution".


He's been on a bit of a dry spell so he thinks, "What the hell, I gotta see this!"


He pulls over and knocks on the door. A ... read more

...on six months of sobriety.

On a list of 20 people that I want to kill.

Because thanks to him half the world started praying.