Two Hundred Jokes

I regret telling her she'd always be able to count on me.

A big wave.

A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"

Medics say that he's fully recovered.

If he ate one more, it would be too farty!

Being overly self-critical would probably be one.

If you have two chickens, you have a paltry farm.

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he ... read more

He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"

His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy."... read more

\- She slept with him, and the next morning, he gave her money for a bus.

\- Wow, she must be freaking mad at him.

\- Nah, not really. A bus costs, what, two hundred grand?

After all, it was only *miner* injuries.

...so I bought her a scale.

Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.

Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...

Man: But i'm quick.

A blonde comes up to him and says, wow what a great chest you have! The man replies, Thats one hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes off his pants. The blonde says, Wow! What great calf’s you have! The man then replies, that’s two hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes of ... read more

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

“Wow, that’s impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know"... read more

Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ?
German: two hundred meters later take the third Reich.

(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)

"Welcome, sinners!" he says with a grin. "In heaven, your rank would be based on your purity, but not down here! Your mode of transportation will be decided by the number of MEN you have hooked up with." He turned to face the first woman. "How many men have you hooked up with?"

"Around five I... read more

Walking through the orchard, the Viceroy marveled at all the different varieties of fruit: oranges, apples, bananas, pineapples, mangoes, guavas. "Why, you must have twenty different types of apples I've never heard of!" he remarked.

"Oh, that's nothing," replied the Major. "I'll bet you ther... read more

(Read in an Irish accent for effect)

An Irish mam and her wee lad were sitting in the kitchen as she taught him to make her famous Irish bean soup.

"Now son," she explained, "what really makes a bean soup is how many beans you use. More is better, but you must remember: never, NEVER p... read more

visits a modern art exhibition. "What the hell is this green circle with yellow spots all over?" he asked. His aide answered, "This painting, president Putin, depicts our heroic peasants fighting for the fulfillment of the plan to produce two hundred million tons of grain."

"Ah-h… And what i... read more

When they happened to come upon an old well. One person looks at the other and says, "I wonder how deep that well is."

The other responds, "We can figure that out quick enough. Grab one of these logs here, toss it down the well, and count how long it takes to splash."

So the two find a... read more

A man on a business trip went into a singles bar, approached two women, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm...and collected.

A man boards a bus, to his surprise it is full of r/jokes users. He finds an empty space and settles in.

He quickly finds out a pattern to the ongoing conversations. One person stands up and shouts a number - Two hundred and sixty one!! Everyone starts laughing. Another person stands up as th... read more

when he derailed it and the train suffered a terrible crash. Only those in the front of the train survived. He was put on trial for the murder of nearly a hundred people. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

When asked what he'd like for his last meal, he replied ... read more

Dude graduates from Texas A&M school of Agriculture, goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't s... read more

A lawyer obviously wanted his young son to become a lawyer too, so he began training him in the right earnest, quite early. He began teaching him how to tell lies



One day to test his son, he asked, "Son, if you tell a lie without thinking for a second, then I will give you 100 bucks!"... read more

The genie tells the man that he can make three wishes, but the only condition is that whatever he gets, his ex wife will get double.

Perturbed but accepting the offer, he wishes for a large mansion. ! He has a large mansion, but sure enough, his ex wife gets two.

For his second w... read more

He's driving through the country when he spots an old guy sitting on his porch with a german shepherd.

He stops his car, gets out, and approaches the man. "That's a fine-looking dog you have there, sir. I would like to buy him. How does fifty bucks sound?"

The old man looks down at the... read more

A man walks into a bar in Russia.
"Can I have one beer?" - he asks the barman.
"That will be two hundred rubles," - says the barman.
""What? It was one hundred yesterday!" - says the man.
"Well, you see, it is one hundred for a beer and now you have to add a hundred for Crimea,"-... read more

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"

"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do funeral mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. The... read more

His first night at jail, after lights out, he heard someone say sixty\-one. All two hundred men in the cell block started laughing.  Then someone hollered thirty\-nine. The two hundred men cracked up with laughter.  Then someone yelled ninety\-six.  Once again an uproar of laughter.  So Joe asked hi... read more

A Russian patrol was going through the woods of Finland when they were wiped out, one by one, by a sniper hidden in the deep firs, who killed the lot, but for one man. "One Finn is better than ten Russians!" He was taunted as he ran away.


He returned to his base, and the platoon commande... read more

The Highways Agency found over two hundred dead crows on the M4 near Slough recently, and there was immediate concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of d... read more

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."

The husband is mad, but fo... read more

There was once a mountain village in which a certain chicken had unparalleled speed. It boasted to be even quicker than demonic beasts. The owner often bragged to people, saying that his chicken was the fastest.”

A rich man came to the village and fell in love with the chicken at first sight.... read more

When they found one the manager said "Yes, we have a room and it’s $100 for the night.”

That was a well outside their budget, so they politely turned the offer down and asked if there was anywhere cheaper in the vicinity.

The manager replied "Yes, in fact there is an old hotel just up ... read more

He stands smartly at ease in front of the madame and says "*Guten abend*! May I enquire what your payment might be for the pleasure of my company?"

She looks him up and down, considers his rank and the likely size of his pay packet, and says "*Herr Hauptmann*, two hundred and fifty Deutschmar... read more

...when a client shows up, asking for his council. The lawyer decides to stay late and work with the client. Afterwards, the client asks how much he owes for the lawyer's time.
"One hundred dollars," the lawyer responds.

The client pays him and walks out, at which point the lawyer realiz... read more

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I wa... read more

Here's one I have heard about the gulag. A little background: many jokesters ended up doing time in Siberia, and obviously couldn't be heard telling jokes while they were there. So, they invented a system where each joke was identified by a designated number.
Let's call [this joke](http://www.red... read more

Late on Friday afternoon the foreman tells Enrico that he is going to have to work late. So Enrico asks his friend, Gondolfo, to stop at the house and tell his wife, Lucia.

Gondolfo knocks on the door and Lucia opens it. ”Your old man is not coming home till late,” says Gondolfo. ”How about w... read more

. One of the patrons at the bar saw him and helped him get to a barstool and get a drink. After a few minutes, the blind man leaned over to his new friend and said, "I just heard the world's best blonde joke. Would you like to hear it?"

The other man said, "Friend, before you say another word... read more

When to nobodies real surprise a genie appears and offers to grant them a wish each.

The Frenchman goes first. "I would like to be transported back to my wonderful muzzer country, where you will 'ave built a great wall around all ze borders to protect ze beautiful 'omeland of ze French master... read more