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Tablet Jokes

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

Moses returns from the mountain with two tablets.

I've got good news and bad news. Good news: I gottem down to ten. Bad news: Adultery is still one of them

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Last night I mixed up my sleeping tablets and viagra.

At least I got 40 wanks

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

My doctor told me to take two tablets every four hours.

A**nd now I'm banned from Currys!**

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 tablets at me.

The injuries were superfishoil.

Someone threw some Omega 3 tablets at my head the other day

I'm ok though, my injuries were only super fish oil

*I'll see myself out*

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A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come you are sweating?" he asks. The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

Tablets were replaced by scrolls.

Scrolls were replaced by books.

Now we scroll through books on our tablets.

I had to go get more tablets for my Dishwasher…

She had a headache

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I asked my son if he saw the newspaper...

Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says.

Damn fly never stood a chance

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

What happened to the guy who mixed up his Epilepsy tablets with his laundry tablets?

His clothes don't fit anymore!

Kurdish cunieform tablets

In ancient Kurdistan, they didn’t have the material to make the cuneiform tablets they did down by the rivers in the Fertile Crescent, so they had to carve important documents into stone tablets.

That included contracts and treaties. There could be multiple “signatories.” For an invoice, for ...

What did the bad Advil tablet say to the good Advil tablet?

I be profane

I used to be in a band named "fizzy tablet"

But we dissolved pretty quickly.

I've just accidentally swallowed the cat's tablets.

Don't ask meow.

Moses opens his tablet.

The notification says, "You have 10 unread commandments'.

Homeopathic tablets

Side effects: none

Main effects: none

I tried swallowing a tablet without water before

And I have to say it wasn’t easy or even the best of decisions. Everyone at the Samsung store seems to agree.

Yesterday I swallowed two tablets without water.

Anyway I lost my job at the tech store...

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Caught my grandad cutting viagra tablets in half

I said “grandad, they won’t work if you cut them in half”
He said, “I’m 94 years old, your grandma was the only woman I ever slept with god rest her soul”
I asked “so why do you need half a viagra?”
He told me “I just need enough that I don’t piss on my slippers”

Apple came up with a tablet computer with touch screen, geared toward children.

They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.

My son (9yrs) lost his tablet today and we were looking for it...

Me: How do you lose a whole tablet, Yuba!?

Yuba mumbling to himself: There's no such thing as half a tablet.

Moses had the first tablet

that could connect to the cloud.

I bought some headache tablets for my wife.

But unfortunately, she didn't get one.

Childen are playing on a kindergarten playground with their tablets...

...and the teacher is sleeping on a bench. A lady walks by and wakes the teacher up: "Aren't you afraid that the children will run away and get lost?" asks the lady. "I'm not afraid at all," says the teacher, "the WiFi signal covers the playground only."

A parrot accidentally swallowed a viagara tablet and went berserk

He started humping everything he could lay his wings on .

The owner called the vet who said that the overheating could damage his brain so asked him to put the parrot in a freezer.

The owner somehow caught the parrot and forced into the freezer and forced it shut.

After 10 mins...

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet.

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet. And lucky the data is also in the cloud, cause he got angry and smashed his tablet, so he needed a new one to download everything again.

Online dating sparks a rise in tablet use with young singles.

“I’ve been using tablets for dating since the 80’s” - Bill C

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee.

Like a psychopath.

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"We'll have to go back, I've forgotten my tablets"

"For fuck's sake, Moses."

My friend died from taking heartburn tablets today...

I can’t believe Gavisgon.

They've just discovered that an aspirin tablet makes a great contraceptive...

Of course, the gal needs to hold it tightly between her knees.

What do you call it when an Apple fan is watching a 90s movie on a tablet about a dog that plays basketball on their wireless headphones?

They're watching Air Bud on their iPad through their Air Pods earbuds.

the weather app on my android tablet tells me it's sunny outside....

.... and it's the same on my Iphone, but if i look out of my window i can totally see it's raining.
Oh my god, I think i've just proven the superiority of windows over Android and Ios.

Earliest-known Ten Commandments tablet sells at auction for $850000

Bumping Apple off the top spot for most expensive mobile device without a headphone jack.

Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me.

Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

Did you hear about the ancient mesopotamian tablets they discovered recently that just list information about flatulence?

They're fartifacts.

My mate Gav overdosed on heart burn tablets

I cant believe Gav is gone.

I lost my good mate Gav yesterday due to an overdose of heartburn tablets

I can't believe gavisgon.

Did you hear about the detective who dropped his tablet while pondering the case?

It's fine, he had only scratched the Surface.

Doctor: The bad news is you’re going to have to take one of these tablets everyday for the rest of your life.

Doctor: The really bad news is I’m only giving you three

Why do smart cavemen do their tests on stone tablets?

Because the tests are harder

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Missing LSD tablets

Hey Gran, you haven't seen my tablets, they're labelled LSD.
Gran: Fuck your tablets, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen!

Old man goes to the Doctor

An Old man goes to the doctor and says:
Hello doc, I have an unusual problem my farts don't make a sound and they don't smell, I just farted like 20 times in the waiting room and nobody heard it nor smelt it, I mean I don't have a problem with that but I just want to know what's up?!
The doct...

A mad man in the hospital

Told his doctor that he was seeing rats playing basketball outside.

The doctor said “take these tablets to help you sleep.”

The mad man replied, “NO Sah! Tonight is the finals!”

Do you know why you can't find paracetamol tablets in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat them all.

PS: told by a patient (I'm a nurse) when I gave him paracetamol

I was so depressed that I decided to kill myself by taking a thousand Prozac tablets.

But after taking the first two I felt so much happier.

Three Pregnant Ladies

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor’s waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for their respective babies.



Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.

<...

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Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
'Wh...

A man goes on a quest to find the oldest joke over made...

A man becomes obsessed with finding the oldest joke in history. He travels to archeological sites around the world and finally discovers a stone tablet that he believes contains the ancient joke. The only problem is that the joke is written in an unknown language. Determined to translate it, he ...

An Irish man goes to the Doctor,

Who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart but I think if you take some tablets you’ll be okay“, So the doctor gives him some tablets and the man asks “Do I have to take them every day?

“No“, “take one on Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thu...

Did you hear about the 5 constipated men in the Bible?

1. Cain. He wasn't Abel....
2. Moses. He took 2 tablets....
3. Balaam. He couldn't move his ass(it's in the Bible, look it up)....
4. King Solomon. He sat on the throne for 40 years.....
5. King David. He said no power in Heaven or on Earth could move him.....

Google pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese...

Condoms & Dramamine

Mr. Schwartz comes home one evening, and his wife greets him at the door. "Melvyn," she says, "I have an idea. Let's you and me take a weeklong cruise. We've got time, the kids are all on their own now, we've got the money, we'll have a great time." "Great idea, honey," says Mr. Schwartz. He runs do...

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A man was no longer interested in having sex...

So his wife decided to buy him some of the new UltraSexTablets to get him going again. She went to the doctor, who told her to grind up half a tablet into his favourite food so he won’t notice it.
The next morning, the wife was cooking breakfast and felt like putting the new wonder drug to the...

Dead Uncle

It's almost been a year since my uncle died due to an overdose of indigestion tablets.


I still can't believe Gav is gone.

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A man enters a taxi and sees a man eating something...

He asks the driver "what ya eating?" The driver responds "smart tablets" so the man asks if he could have one. 15 minutes later the man says "I don't feel any smarter, can I have another?" The driver hands him another. 15 minutes later he says the same thing and the driver offers him another, this t...

An old man said to his grandson playing on a tablet...You younger generation are too dependent on technology.

His grandson said...Which one of us needs a pacemaker to live?

A guy comes home from the doctors crying, his wife says why are you crying honey,he said the doctor has put me on tablets for the rest of my life, wife says hey that's not so bad, husband replies.

He has only given me three tablets.

So this famous singer was doing a giveaway...

The prize was a tablet a brand new phone and 1 minute of singing on stage with this famous singer. So a girl named Jess signed her brother up for the giveaway knowing full well he hates crowds and technology but sure enough he won the contest and he was forced to go on stage with this singer. Boy oh...

Who was the first person that was used technology?

Moses. He had two tablets that where connected to the cloud.

Why was the Samsung employee astonished?

Because I swallowed a tablet without water.

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An elderly man

A ninety-one-year-old man went into the pharmacy and asked for viagra tablets, which he wanted cut into quarters.
The pharmacist said, "Sure I can do that for you, but you realise that a quarter of a tablet won't give you a full erection?"
The old man replied, "I'm ninety-one. I'm too old for ...

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A shepherd is tending to his flock when a man in a sports car pulls up.

The man is wearing a fancy suit and says, "My! What a large herd of sheep you have here! I would like to make a wager with you. If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have, you give me one of them."

The shepherd is intrigued and agrees.

The fancy man gets on his phone and makes...

George Bush the Younger noticed a man in a long flowing white robe in an airport lobby

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George bush the Younger approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored him and stared at the ceiling. Bush the younger positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Mos...

A man goes to the doctor...

...with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pil...

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A man goes to the doctor's...

"What can I help you with?" The doctor asks.

"Actually doctor, it's my wife." He replies, "She's been eating like a fucking horse lately, she needs help."

"Nonsense!" Scolds the doctor. "There's nothing at all wrong with having a healthy appetite, and shame on you for feeling otherwise...

When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

When god presented Moses with two tablets

Not a chance

Today I asked my daughter to hand me the newspaper. She started about how old-fashioned I am and that everyone uses a tablet now. Well, I listened to her.

And I have to admit...that annoying fly did not have a chance.

Who was the most high-tech prophet? Moses.

He used a tablet.

Two brother sit under the christmas tree....

One gets dozens of presents. He opens one after another, a tablet, a drone, a bike and plenty other things.

The other only gets one present with his name on it: a matchbox car.

The one boy with all the presents maliciously asks: guess whom they like more!

The other, calmly playi...

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Mom takes her 3 sons to the dr.

Dr gives them the yearly physical. Results come in, low iron. Dr prescribes iron tablets.

A week later the youngest son comes up to his mom with a problem. She asks what it is. The son says he's peeing bb's. Mom says thats fine, I put more iron in your diet.

Two weeks later the middle ...

Originally an Arabic joke!

A small town had one pharmacy until another opened across from the old one. A guy walks in the new pharmacy and asks the pharmacists for some Aspirin the pharmacist hands him one giant tablet, the man asks, “How is this supposed to help? It’s not gonna kill me?” The pharmacist says “Oh no, you see, ...

My doctor told me I have an unhealthy obsession with iPads.

So he gave me some tablets.

My nephew came up to me and asked for advice to meet women.

I gave him my old tablet.

What device did God use to communicate with millennials?

A tablet.

But not from Apple.

Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?

They had tablets.

Cleaning up the heavens

God finally gets around to clean up the heavens and finds the commandments. What to do with the old junk? He looks down onto the earth, maybe someone could have a use for them.

He asks the Egyptians. The Pharaoh looks up and says "Dude, sorry, we're busy with our pyramids, no can do."

...

I went to the Doctor yesterday.

I said, “you know those tablets you gave me to help my obsession with walking in straight lines?”
“Yes,” said the doctor, “how are you doing?”
“Well,” I replied, “I’ve finally turned a corner!”

Technology...

Two guys... Hey do you think that someday technology will replace paper?... Well I think it will be quite hard to wipe with a tablet...

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