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Sleeping Tablets.

I accidentally mixed my sleeping pills with my Viagra:

Ended up having 40 wanks:

Why do smart cavemen do their tests on stone tablets?

Because the tests are harder

I bought some headache tablets for my wife.

But unfortunately, she didn't get one.

Online dating sparks a rise in tablet use with young singles.

“I’ve been using tablets for dating since the 80’s” - Bill C

I was so depressed that I decided to kill myself by taking a thousand Prozac tablets.

But after taking the first two I felt so much happier.

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"We'll have to go back, I've forgotten my tablets"

"For fuck's sake, Moses."

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee.

Like a psychopath.

They've just discovered that an aspirin tablet makes a great contraceptive...

Of course, the gal needs to hold it tightly between her knees.

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

What did the bad Advil tablet say to the good Advil tablet?

I be profane

I lost my good mate Gav yesterday due to an overdose of heartburn tablets

I can't believe gavisgon.

My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets!

Can’t believe gavisgon...

Old but gold.

A guy comes home from the doctors crying, his wife says why are you crying honey,he said the doctor has put me on tablets for the rest of my life, wife says hey that's not so bad, husband replies.

He has only given me three tablets.

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad...

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

Did you hear about the detective who dropped his tablet while pondering the case?

It's fine, he had only scratched the Surface.

Childen are playing on a kindergarten playground with their tablets...

...and the teacher is sleeping on a bench. A lady walks by and wakes the teacher up: "Aren't you afraid that the children will run away and get lost?" asks the lady. "I'm not afraid at all," says the teacher, "the WiFi signal covers the playground only."

I asked my son if he saw the newspaper...

Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says.

Damn fly never stood a chance

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Some wanker just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me.

Lucky my only injuries was super fish oil.

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A rich man is looking to start a new hobby.

He heard that Warhammer 40k is a fun pastime so he decided to pay a visit to the local GW store.

"So what exactly do I need to start this hobby?" He asked.

"Well," the manager replied calmly."You will need to sell your kidneys, half of your liver and one of your lungs. I know a doctor ...

When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

When god presented Moses with two tablets

Apple came up with a tablet computer with touch screen, geared toward children.

They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.

the weather app on my android tablet tells me it's sunny outside....

.... and it's the same on my Iphone, but if i look out of my window i can totally see it's raining.
Oh my god, I think i've just proven the superiority of windows over Android and Ios.

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A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

I went to the Doctor yesterday.

I said, “you know those tablets you gave me to help my obsession with walking in straight lines?”
“Yes,” said the doctor, “how are you doing?”
“Well,” I replied, “I’ve finally turned a corner!”

Moses had the first tablet

that could connect to the cloud.

A normal day at the Apple store

Me: *Walks into an Apple store.*

Apple employee: Hi, what would you like today?

Me: I got $1000 to buy anything I want.

AE: Then our iPhone XS will be perfect! You can have the power of a computer right in your pocket. You can call, text, browse, play games, and so much more!...

Earliest-known Ten Commandments tablet sells at auction for $850000

Bumping Apple off the top spot for most expensive mobile device without a headphone jack.

Moses opens his tablet.

The notification says, "You have 10 unread commandments'.

Not a chance

Today I asked my daughter to hand me the newspaper. She started about how old-fashioned I am and that everyone uses a tablet now. Well, I listened to her.

And I have to admit...that annoying fly did not have a chance.

Mom - Happy Birthday Sweetheart...

Daughter - Thanks Mom, And I need to tell you something..

Mom - What is it darling. You can tell me anything...

Daughter - Since It’s my 17th Birthday, Tonight I’m going to sleep with my boyfriend Jacob.

Mom - Ohh darling. If that’s makes you happy then I don’t mind at a...

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My doctor gave me these new tablets for my wife..

My doctor gave me these new tablets for my wife and they're bloody amazing. She used to want sex once or twice a month but now we're doing it once or twice every single night! They are phenomenal. We're going at it like rabbits.

Whatever position you shag her in, she won't wake up!!

Why where the cave people mad about their children playing with rocks all the time.

They wouldn't stop getting stoned, staring at tablets, and playing rock and roll all day.

My doctor told me I have an unhealthy obsession with iPads.

So he gave me some tablets.

Technology is crazy these days

We now have smartphones, wireless TVs, and tablets.
When I was a kid we had to blow everything. The Nintendo cartridge, the mouse with that ball inside, the priest.

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Her husband's libido

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. 
 
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 
 
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 
 
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.  'Give him an 'Irish Viagr...

Redneck sits next to the silicon valley kid on the overnight train ride

Redneck really wants to sleep, but silicone valley kid won't shut up, describing the wonders of technology.

\- Nowadays I can find an answer to any question, no matter how hard, you just need to know how to use tech!

Redneck really wants to sleep. But the kid keeps showing his gadgets,...

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Missing LSD tablets

Hey Gran, you haven't seen my tablets, they're labelled LSD.
Gran: Fuck your tablets, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen!

A Keen Indian Immigrant Applied for a Salesman's Job

A keen Indian immigrant applied for a salesman's job at London's premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.



The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"



"Yes sir, I was a salesman in I...

Google pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese...

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Three mice in a bar...

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot and boasts, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I run through one, and as the bar comes down I grab it and do 20 or 30 bench presses with it." He then slams another shot.

The second mouse sl...

Bush and Moses

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.


George W. approached the man and inquired,"Excuse me are you Moses?"

<...

Two brother sit under the christmas tree....

One gets dozens of presents. He opens one after another, a tablet, a drone, a bike and plenty other things.

The other only gets one present with his name on it: a matchbox car.

The one boy with all the presents maliciously asks: guess whom they like more!

The other, calmly playi...

Three Pregnant Ladies

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor’s waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for their respective babies.



Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.

<...

One day, a farmer found a strange, ancient-looking stone in his field.

Inscribed into it were characters of an apparent forgotten alphabet. Images of priests in strange clothing conducting some bizarre ritual had been carved into the surface as well.



Not knowing whether his find was worth a fortune (and curious to know what was said on the tablet), the ...

Rat Dreams

David goes to a doctor.
David : Doctor, I see weird dreams.... Rats play soccer in my dreams.
Doctor : I see... I'll write you some tablets. Start taking them from tonight.
David : Can I please start taking them from tomorrow?
Doctor : Why from tomorrow? Why not before going to bed toni...

An Englishman, an American and a Dutchman found a genie in an ancient tomb.

"BEHOLD MORTALS!" the genie bellowed. "I SHALL GRANT YOU IMMORTAL LIFE!"

Immediately, all three men are excited.

"But, dear chap, there must be a catch!" the Englishman yelled.

"Of course! You must beat me in a contest. You may throw anything, no matter how large or how small i...

My nephew came up to me and asked for advice to meet women.

I gave him my old tablet.

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The priest and the rabbi

Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy Tablet










PRIEST AND RABBI











Priest and a Rabbi



A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turne...

Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?

They had tablets.

Technology...

Two guys... Hey do you think that someday technology will replace paper?... Well I think it will be quite hard to wipe with a tablet...

What device did God use to communicate with millennials?

A tablet.

But not from Apple.

An American, German and Russian go swimming

An American, German and Russian go swimming, the Russian gets ready to jump in but the American stops him and says

"Careful i put in a chlorine tablet not long ago, you might want to wait"

The Russian responds with "Ill be fine, a little chlorine never hurt anyone"

The German ...

Moses comes down from Mt. Sinai

So Moses comes down from Mt. Sinai with two tablets of stone in his hands and speaks to his people: "Okay folks, I got some goods news and some bad news.
Good news first: I got him down to ten.
The bad news: Adultery is still in."

Three men end up in hell...

Three men end up in hell and meet Satan. Satan tells them that he will let the men go to purgatory for a second chance if they manage to pass his challenge.

The challenge was that they had to throw any random item into the river Styx and Satan would let them go if he couldn't find it in und...

an I.Q too high to buy

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.

The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”

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A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital..

A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you ...

Husband, Wife and Doctor Joke

Doctor: Your husband needs a proper rest. Here are some sleeping tablets.
Woman: When will he have these?
Doctor: It’s for you, not for him.

Originally an Arabic joke!

A small town had one pharmacy until another opened across from the old one. A guy walks in the new pharmacy and asks the pharmacists for some Aspirin the pharmacist hands him one giant tablet, the man asks, “How is this supposed to help? It’s not gonna kill me?” The pharmacist says “Oh no, you see, ...

What does a drug addict and a child have in common?

They both want tablets for Christmas.

Little Billy

Little Billy wakes up full of excitement on Christmas day. He rushes downstairs as fast as his little legs will carry him. Being from a poor family his parents can't afford much but he's grateful for what he receives. A small pile of inexpensive gifts are quickly opened by the young boy.

A li...

A young man was interning at a hospital

His friend called in to see him but he wasn't around. A passing nurse stopped and asked if she could help the man.

"Yes, I'm looking for my friend, Michael. Is he around?"

"Can you describe him?" the nurse asks.

After the friend describes him, the nurse replies uneasily.
...

Sweetie, will you buy me a cellphone?

**Her**: Sweetie, will you buy me a cellphone?

**Him**: What about the other one?

**Her**: The other one is buying me a tablet.

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