A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.

The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

A man holding a slab of asphalt walked into a bar

He said "I'll take two beers, one for me and one for the road"

2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the barman asks what they want.

Concrete 1: I'll have a pint, and a shot of tequila, because I'm hard! I'm tough and can handle anything!

So the barman gets his drinks and asks the second.

Concrete 2: me? I'll have 2 p...

Did you hear about the guy who wanted to be buried in a concrete slab?

He was dead set

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling

He asks the bartender what's with the meat?

The bartender says if you can jump and hit one you get free drinks for the night. If you miss, you buy the whole bar drinks for the night.

The guy says I'll pass. The steaks are too high.

Two cavemen were chiseling on slabs of rock in a cave

Suddenly one of the cavemen shouted, "I've did it! I've discovered zero!"

The other caveman asked, "What is it?"

The first caveman replied, "Oh, nothing."

My dad burnt this beautiful slab of meat last night...

He made a terrible missteak.

What do you call a dirty puddle on a slab of cold concrete in dim, gloomy light?

A sunny day in Seattle.

"Why was the slab of marble upset?"

"He was tired of everyone mistaking him for granite."

What's the difference between a slab of meat and someone who hates high school students?

One's protein, the other's anti-teen.

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon to one who can complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!


So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Al...

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A Russian metal worker named Yetzel lives in the countryside.

Every day he does back-breaking work at a factory, pounding metal slabs and preparing them to be sold. He make 2 rubles a month, and goes through many hardships daily, what with barely having enough money to feed his 29 children and provide clothes for them all.

One day, Yetzel goes to the re...

3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp

One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!

"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!

"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.

And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of h...

And another....

Two men were bartering over a marble slab.

A lot of counter-offers were made.



Once my friends bakery burned down…His business is toast.



I am up in the air about becoming a pilot.

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Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.

He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.

"WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP!?" Booms the genie, "MY FURIOUS WRATH YOU NOW SHALL REAP!"

Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.

"Ta Mac",...

My favorite Lent joke (as told to me by an Episcopal reverend)

A Protestant moves into a Catholic neighborhood. It's a pretty open-minded and welcoming community, and everyone gets along great.

The first time an issue presents itself is when Lent rolls around. During Lent, the Catholics in the neighborhood all swear off red meat. Every day at lunch, h...

Three men die and go to heaven (long)

An angel tells them that before they go through the pearly gates, they must sit outside on a stone slab for three days. "One rule," the angel says, "you must *never* sit on the pink puffy cloud." The three men agree, since they obviously want to go to heaven.

On the first day, one of the me...

Dating a French Horn player

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tub...

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a...

What was old is new

A man living in ancient Egypt had a great idea for a business: he would pay couriers to deliver messages professionally inscribed on stone slabs to people all over the kingdom. For a small fee, people could have an important message written down and sent anywhere on the Nile. It swiftly took off a...

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A penis, a pickle and a cucumber.

A penis, a pickle and a cucumber are sitting at a table all of whom are distraught.

Cucumber: “Man my life sucks. Every time I get big fat and juicy, these humans slice us up, toss us in a salad and eat us”

Pickle: “Man, that’s nothing. When I’m plump and juicy they slice me up, lay m...

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A man comes home from a hard day's work at the local morgue...

He says to his wife, "You'll never guess what I saw at work today, honey! Some dude just laying on the slab there. Guy had a fucking 12-inch cock, and it was thick as a beer can. Holy shit!"

His wife bursts into tears. "Oh my God! Fred's dead!?"

So a man walks into a bar

As soon as he sits down, the bartender offers him a challenge:

"So listen, we have a little bet we play around here"

The man follows the bartender's finger, pointed at the ceiling, and sees three pieces of meat, dangling high up from the ceiling.

"So if you can, in a single jum...

A guy walks into a bar...

then sits down and orders a beer. He is talking to the bartender and looks up to the ceiling and notices a slab of beef hanging from a hook. He asks the bartender what is that? The bartender responds with if you can touch it I will pay your tab for the night but if you can't you will owe me 1000 dol...

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A sciencey joke for y'all.

An American nuclear engineer is talking with a Japanese nuclear engineer about a new material they're planning on using for gamma radiation shielding. The Japanese engineer asks if he can see it in action, so the American takes a piece of iron about 3 inches thick and puts in front of a gamma source...

A man walks into a bar.

Approaching the bartender, he orders a drink. Above the bar, handing from the ceiling, are two huge slabs of meat.

Puzzled by this, the man queries the bartender.

The bartender explains this is the bars "meat challenge". If you can jump off the bar, blindfolded, with one hand behind y...

The butcher

Once there was a man in a small town who decided that he wanted to be a butcher, so he bought a small store and started his own butcher shop. It was a very modest store, consisting of only a couple display cabinets, a meat grinder, and a few shelves in the refrigerator. This man quickly became known...

So a man walks into a butcher shop and eyes several of the finest steaks...

There are cuts of meat on shelves all throughout the store. The butcher likes how this man carries himself so he offers him a proposition. He says, "If you can grab the slab of meat on the shelf over there that you've been looking at since you got in here, you can have it for free. Otherwise you h...

My second favorite joke that came to me in a dream.

Woke up thinking I had told this one to all of my friends and they thought it was truly dumb. I told it to them IRL anyway:

Everybody else went back to the hostel, so I ended up walking around Switzerland by myself at one in the morning. I'm passing this bar when I hear people cheering. I cou...

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