An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

What problem does the Eskimo photographer struggle with because he has a terrible habit of sitting all day on a slab of ice, waiting for his film to develop?

Polaroids

A man walks into a crowded bar, and notices 3 slabs of meat hanging behind the bar

He asks the bartender what they’re there for, and the bartender tells the man that the bar currently has a challenge going on. “If you can jump up, and hit all 3 slabs of meat before your feet hit the ground, you drink free for a month. But, if you don’t, you need to cover the cost of everyone’s dri...

A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.

The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”

I walked into my local pub...

Much to my surprise, I noticed slabs of meat attached to the ceiling. I asked what it was all about.

The barman said “if you can jump and touch the slabs of meat on the ceiling, you win free drinks for the rest of the night. However, if you don’t reach it you have to pay up £50... how does th...

Why did the Astronomer bring a slab of ribs into the bathroom?

He wanted to witness a meatier shower.

2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the barman asks what they want.

Concrete 1: I'll have a pint, and a shot of tequila, because I'm hard! I'm tough and can handle anything!

So the barman gets his drinks and asks the second.

Concrete 2: me? I'll have 2 p...

I tried to throw a slab of beef at my boss

That was a missed steak

A man walks in a bar which has slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling. The bartender says “if you can jump up and slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you buy everyone in the bar a drink. The man then shook his head....

....The steaks are too high

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A man comes running to the doctors one day.

"Doctor doctor my ass hurts like hell and I think it's bleeding" the man says, The doctor says "well what happen". The man starts talking and saying how he was taking a shit and it wouldn't come out so I pushed and pushed and pop it came out and in that time I jumped up and shouted ahh my ass and I ...

A man holding a slab of asphalt walked into a bar

He said "I'll take two beers, one for me and one for the road"

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Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom

Johnny: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.

Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.

So Johnny does what his mom told him and spends all day across the street. He...

My dad burnt this beautiful slab of meat last night...

He made a terrible missteak.

What's the difference between a slab of meat and someone who hates high school students?

One's protein, the other's anti-teen.

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A mortician comes home from work laughing. His wife is at the sink doing dishes. She asks him, "What's so funny?"

He tells her, "The guy on the slab this afternoon! Woo! You should have seen him! He must have had a cock 14 inches long, and thick as my forearm! I've never seen such... What's wrong honey?"

"Oh my God!" she sobs. "Fred's dead!?"

"Why was the slab of marble upset?"

"He was tired of everyone mistaking him for granite."

A Bad Sign

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had s...

3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp

One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!

"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!

"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.

And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of h...

So I'm at Costa Coffee at the service area

and I order a latte and I pick up a slab of fruit cake, and I say to the check-out lady "Sorry, I only have a £20 note".

And she says "You'll have to put the cake back then love."

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Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.

He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.

"WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP!?" Booms the genie, "MY FURIOUS WRATH YOU NOW SHALL REAP!"

Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.

"Ta Mac",...

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

My favorite Lent joke (as told to me by an Episcopal reverend)

A Protestant moves into a Catholic neighborhood. It's a pretty open-minded and welcoming community, and everyone gets along great.

The first time an issue presents itself is when Lent rolls around. During Lent, the Catholics in the neighborhood all swear off red meat. Every day at lunch, h...

Dating a French Horn player

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tub...

Three men die and go to heaven (long)

An angel tells them that before they go through the pearly gates, they must sit outside on a stone slab for three days. "One rule," the angel says, "you must *never* sit on the pink puffy cloud." The three men agree, since they obviously want to go to heaven.

On the first day, one of the me...

And another....

Two men were bartering over a marble slab.

A lot of counter-offers were made.



Once my friends bakery burned down…His business is toast.



I am up in the air about becoming a pilot.

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A penis, a pickle and a cucumber.

A penis, a pickle and a cucumber are sitting at a table all of whom are distraught.

Cucumber: “Man my life sucks. Every time I get big fat and juicy, these humans slice us up, toss us in a salad and eat us”

Pickle: “Man, that’s nothing. When I’m plump and juicy they slice me up, lay m...

So a man walks into a bar

As soon as he sits down, the bartender offers him a challenge:

"So listen, we have a little bet we play around here"

The man follows the bartender's finger, pointed at the ceiling, and sees three pieces of meat, dangling high up from the ceiling.

"So if you can, in a single jum...

Top 10 worst jokes!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2.A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."


3.Two peanuts walk into a ba...

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A man comes home from a hard day's work at the local morgue...

He says to his wife, "You'll never guess what I saw at work today, honey! Some dude just laying on the slab there. Guy had a fucking 12-inch cock, and it was thick as a beer can. Holy shit!"

His wife bursts into tears. "Oh my God! Fred's dead!?"

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A sciencey joke for y'all.

An American nuclear engineer is talking with a Japanese nuclear engineer about a new material they're planning on using for gamma radiation shielding. The Japanese engineer asks if he can see it in action, so the American takes a piece of iron about 3 inches thick and puts in front of a gamma source...

A guy walks into a bar...

then sits down and orders a beer. He is talking to the bartender and looks up to the ceiling and notices a slab of beef hanging from a hook. He asks the bartender what is that? The bartender responds with if you can touch it I will pay your tab for the night but if you can't you will owe me 1000 dol...

What was old is new

A man living in ancient Egypt had a great idea for a business: he would pay couriers to deliver messages professionally inscribed on stone slabs to people all over the kingdom. For a small fee, people could have an important message written down and sent anywhere on the Nile. It swiftly took off a...

So a man walks into a butcher shop and eyes several of the finest steaks...

There are cuts of meat on shelves all throughout the store. The butcher likes how this man carries himself so he offers him a proposition. He says, "If you can grab the slab of meat on the shelf over there that you've been looking at since you got in here, you can have it for free. Otherwise you h...

The butcher

Once there was a man in a small town who decided that he wanted to be a butcher, so he bought a small store and started his own butcher shop. It was a very modest store, consisting of only a couple display cabinets, a meat grinder, and a few shelves in the refrigerator. This man quickly became known...

My second favorite joke that came to me in a dream.

Woke up thinking I had told this one to all of my friends and they thought it was truly dumb. I told it to them IRL anyway:

Everybody else went back to the hostel, so I ended up walking around Switzerland by myself at one in the morning. I'm passing this bar when I hear people cheering. I cou...

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