The 81+ Best Pills Jokes

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

A scientist walks into an AA meeting. “I’ve just invented a cure for alcoholism! Take one of these pills and you’ll never be a problem drinker again!”

An attendee replies: “What happens if you take two?”

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I took penis enlargement pills, but still my wife left me.

She just couldn't take it any longer.

Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

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Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

So the doctor gave me these pills

And he said I need to take one pill everyday for the rest of my life.

I looked at the bottle and said, "But doc, there are only three pills in here."

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My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

I asked my mom if I can have some of her sleeping pills?

She said

Sure, knock yourself out

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My wife told me to get dick pills

She told me to get those pills that make your dick standup.

Man was she surprised when I came back from the pharmacy with diet pills

Pls help, I'm locked out of my house

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills

# For all who know/knew that poem of Rudyard Kipling’s, “If”

**A delightful take-off!**

**If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,**

**If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,**

**If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,*...

Doctor: I have bad news for you. You’ll have to take one of these pills for the rest of your life.

Patient: But... Doctor... you had given me only three pills!?

Doctor: I told you it was bad news.

.

.

.

.

*Edit: I can’t correct the title but it should say “... take one of these pills **each day** for the rest o...

I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago

I’m not too worried about it

To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..

You'll have nothing to gain!!!

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Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for the diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depress...

Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills?

To prevent Hispanic attacks

I don't think my doctor likes me very much. I told him I swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills

He told me to go home and have a few drinks to relax!

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A wounded soldier takes viagra by accident after thinking the pills were pain killers

He got battle-hardened by that experience

Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.

Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

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NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter

Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?

Man: No, she just lays there like her mom.

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A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills

A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills.

The doctor asked, "Why only 3?"

The man said, "Well, Friday my secretary is coming over, Saturday my girlfriend is coming over, and Sunday, my wife is coming home form her vacation".

The doctor said, "That's...

Me: I need 8 pills, 4 bags of weed, a couple of tabs of lsd, oceanic.

Dealer: Sure, although what do you mean by oceanic?

Me: Anagram of cocaine.

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An old man comes home with his new Viagra pills…

He walks in the door and says “Honey, are you up for some super sex?”

She replies “I’ll take the soup.”

What do you call it when Anti-Anxiety pills take over a whole pharmacy?

A Xannexation

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Why do guys have such difficulty in asking the cashier for sex pills?

I mean, it's not that hard

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What do you call a box of viagra pills?

An expansion pack.

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee an...

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Smart pills

Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa

There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."
<...

So a couple of farmers are standing around talking. One goes you know, "I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbors cows!"

The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, "I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint."

I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

Why are pills white?

Because they work.

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I gave my friend penis enlargement pills

She didn’t like it very much

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Aleve pills and viagra look way too much alike.

I keep winding up with two pounding heads instead of one.

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Two Viagra pills walked into a

Two Viagra pills walked into a bar. They sat down next to two marijuana plants who were engrossed in an animated discussion.
"I don't get it," one marijuana plant said to the other, "Why aren't we legal? Nobody's being hurt by us."

One of the viagra pills scoffed at them.
The marijuana ...

Did you hear about the guy that overdosed on his homeopathy pills?

He forgot to take them.

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So I just ordered some pills from Amazon Prime to help sex go faster.

Came real quick.

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

So my friend said she thinks she took too many anxiety pills today

I told her she should worry if she's not feeling anxious about it

“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”...

“Oh, that it’ll be the side effects”

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I saw an ad from a local store with an upcoming sale for pills to cure premature ejaculation. When I got there they told me they didn’t have them in stock yet.

Seems like I came too early.

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What does general grievous say after he gets his penis growth pills?

A fine addition to my erection.

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What company is going to start selling pills that are the opposite of Viagra?

Ubisoft.

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The president took some dick enlargement pills

He's 6'3 now

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An armed gang intercepted and drove away a truckload of viagra pills.

Police are on the hunt for hardened criminals..

Why did the Hispanic man die after taking three pills?

Because it was over-dos!

I got my sleeping pills mixed up with my cats medication the other day...

Just don't ask me-ow

"Barkeep, why are there pills glued to the top of the bar seating?" "Oh, some people complained that our seats were too hard. Those are stool softeners."

"And, cushions would have rectal the loose vibes we work so hard to cultivate."

Weight-loss pills are very effective...

They drain your bank account so you don’t have money for food.

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I was watching porn and I saw this add. It was for pills that claimed to make your penis 12 inches longer and I thought, “that’s ridiculous......”

“Nobody wants a 13 inch penis.”

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A man was addicted to pills and was told he needed help

He decided to quit after one last pill, he took a viagra.

When asked why he would take a viagra as his last pill he responded:

“Old habits die hard”

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A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes.

A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes. As she's trying on clothes, she proudly announces to the person at the fitting room "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The employee ...

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My doctor prescribed me some iron pills. Apparently they make your poop go way dark...

That's black-shit-crazy!

After so many years in our marriage, my Wife wanted me to buy some pills to spice things up in the bedroom

*Apparently I was the bad guy buying diet pills.*

Doctor prescribed me pills for 14 days

I had to do another 7 days because they were too weak.

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A man asked his doctor for 3 Viagra pills one day.

"I need one for each woman coming over tonight, doc." The man stated.

On reasonable request, the doctor gave him the pills.

The next day, the man came back to his doctor, but this time, his arm was in a cast.

"What happened?" His doctor questioned.

"The girls never showed...

Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him?

Doctor: They Are For You.!!

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I take dick like I take pills

On the floor sobbing

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.

"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"

The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.

Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.

"Doctor...

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Accidentally mixed up my sleeping pills with my viagra.

Ended up having 40 wanks.

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A man goes to the pharmacists and asks for 3 1/2 Viagra pills

A man goes to the pharmacist and asks for 3 1/2 Viagra pills.

The pharmacist is confused and asks “why 3 1/2?”

The man responds. "Well, Monday I am going to see my mistress and I need two. I need one for Wednesday with my wife. And on Friday, I am going to the sauna and it just needs ...

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gav...

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Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

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My diet pills weren't working, so I asked for a refund

I was denied, and was emailed a transcript of the TV commercial:

Butt weight, there's more!

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

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A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...

Doctor: Give your husband viagra.

Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

Next week she returns, unhappy.

Doctor: Was it good?

Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and ...

An embarrassed older lady visited her doctor for help with a problem.

"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong, but I fart all the time. It's strange because they are both silent and odorless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I've farted about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?"

The doctor replied, "Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come s...

Why arent pills allowed in Africa?

Because you can't take them on an empty stomach.

Who needs a border wall when you have Tranqs and Sleeping pills

Dart em’ and ship em’ to Montana. They’ll just wake up and go to Canada.

I won a lifetime supply of cyanide pills

I only got one though

I said to the chemist: “Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?”

He said: “Why?” I said: “She keeps waking up.”

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Smart Pills

One day, Paddy and Mick were walking through the Woods when they saw some Rabbit Shit.

Paddy said: "What's That"..?? "'They're Smart Pills," says Mick "Eat them and they'll make you smarter"..

So Paddy ate them and said: "Jeez. They taste like Shit".. "See," says Mick, "You're gettin...

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You know why they only sell penis enlargement pills legally?

Because they don't sell well on the black market.

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

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Today at work my co workers made fun of me when I explained to them I'm constipated and that's why I was taking pills

I really couldn't give a shit.

One day death came to a Guy and said, Hey, today is your last day.

Guy: But I'm not ready!

Death said, "Well today your name is the first on my list."

Guy: Okay then why don't you take a seat and we will drink a COFFEE before we go?

Death: All right.

The Guy gave Death some COFFEE with sleeping pills in it. Death finished COFFEE and fell...

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They say that using penis enlargement pills can affect my IQ and make me easily irritated.

What a load of bullshit, and I don’t even have that fucking stupid Apple product.

What do you call Matthew Broderick after he takes his Iron deficiency pills?

Ferrous Bueller

Doctor, Doctor! Can I have some sleeping pills for my husband?

Doctor: Why's that?

Woman: The relsiliant twit woke up again...

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

You know the joke where a guy tells another guy to eat rabbit pellets saying that they are "smart pills"?

The second guy comes back the next day and says, "Hey, these are rabbit pellets! They're not smart pills at all!"

And the first guy says, "You see, they're working already."

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