Aspirin Jokes - 64 Hilarious Aspirin Jokes

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Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The prob...

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Aspirin

A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin.

"honey, I got you this aspirin"

"but I don't have a headache"

"great, let's fuck"

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Aspirin

Before climbing into bed, a man sets down a glass of water and an aspirin on his wife's bedside table.

"What's this for? I don't have a headache" she says.

"Good. Let's fuck."

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

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Why don't they sell aspirin in the rainforest?

Because it would be economically unsound to attempt to establish a pharmaceutical distribution network in such a sparsely populated area

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I crawled in bed and slid my hand up my wife's thigh,

She turned over and scoffed: "I have a headache." "perfect!" I said, "I just powdered my penis with aspirin, do you want any it orally or as a suppository?"

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

Why can’t pirates take aspirin for their headaches?

Parrots-eat-em-all

Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen...

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Aspirin

A man comes home to his wife one evening.

“Honey, I’m home!” He says and gives her a kiss.

“I’ve brought you some Aspirin “ he says.

“But I don’t have a headache” she replies.

“Ok then. Let’s have sex”

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Aspirin for wife

I gave an aspirin to my wife.

She said, what for? I don't have a headache.

Me: Good to know, we can have sex then.

A man wakes up hungover, with no memory of coming home.

He realizes he's fully clothed in bed. He sees one of the lamps on a bedside table is broken, and he smells like he was sick on himself. He sits up and sees muddy tracks leading to his bed.

The man groans and holds his head, knowing he's going to be in big trouble with his wife. She then e...

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because the paracetamol.

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are having beans, stir it in,...

I Have Your Aspirin

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife once again complained, "I have a headache."

"Don’t worry," her husband said. “I was just powdering myself with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository.”

Aspirin Cure

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies y...

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My wife laid in bed. I walked in the bedroom handing her a glass of water and an aspirin...

"Thanks, but I don't have a headache," she said.

"Well," I said, "let's have sex, then."

2 Aspirins Does The Trick...

Bob comes home drunk, get's 2 aspirins and shoves it in his wife's mouth whilst she's asleep.

She wakes up startled and says: "What the hell are doing Bob?"

Bob than says: "I placed 2 aspirins in your mouth!"

Wife: "Are you on drugs?? I do not have a headache!!!"

Bob: "...

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A man goes up to his wife...

He holds out his hand offering her two aspirin and a glass of water.

She says with a puzzled look on her face "But I don't have a headache?"

He replies with a smirk on his face "good! We can have sex then."

Why can't you get an aspirin in the jungle?

Because the parrots ate em all.

What do you call aspirin when given rectally?

An Analgesic

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A man wakes up with a huge hangover after getting blackout drunk the night before

painfully opens his eyes, looks around - "phew! At least I'm home". On the nightstand he sees a glass of water, an aspirin and a note saying "Honey, breakfast is ready, I love you with all my heart - xoxo, your wife".

Not understanding a thing, he walks to the kitchen and realizes that the ho...

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Ibuprofenum and Aspirin are running in a race...

Suddenly prednisolone passes them and wins first place.

Ibuprofenum looks toward Aspirin and mutters:

"fucking steroids"

Why did the man who stole my crops take aspirin?

Because he had my grains

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to t...

When I get a headache

I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Can I use aspirin as birth control pill?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "Yes, if you hold it between your knees."

They've just discovered that an aspirin tablet makes a great contraceptive...

Of course, the gal needs to hold it tightly between her knees.

at the pharmacy

Cs: hi
Ph: hello
Cs: have you got any acetylsalicylic acid?
Ph: you mean aspirin?
Cs: that's the one. Can never for the life o' me remember that name

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

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Jack off...

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.

They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that th...

Male birth control can be accomplished by putting a common aspirin in your shoe.

It makes you limp.

edit; forgot an "s".

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what is the difference between aspirin and a strippers boyfriend?

asprin works.

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I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

what do you call a painter who gets terrible headaches?

an aspirin artist.

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A teacher asks children to name some drug names...

Sally stands up and says ”Paracetamol, its for pain relief”

Julie stands up and says “Aspirin , it helps you focus”

Jimmy stands up and says “Viagra”!

The teacher replies saying “Jimmy, how do you know that? What does that drug do?”

Jimmy replies “ Viagra is for diarrhea ...

What do you call a Tylenol with great dreams for the future?

Aspirin'

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A man tried to force his wife to take an aspirin when she got in bed with him.

She began yelling and saying "I don't have a headache!"

The man replied, "Good, let's fuck."

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Once I got so sunburned

Once I got so sunburned I went to the ER and they gave me aspirin and Viagra. The aspirin to reduce my fever and the Viagra to help keep the sheets off my legs.

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The hangover

A guy wakes up with a horrible hangover after a bender. Can barely open his eyes. Head pounding. Stomach churning.

He looks around, and with some relief realizes that he’s at home, in his bed. There’s a glass of water and two aspirins on his night stand, along with a note from his wife: “Dar...

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A man starts his own business

Within a few months his business grows to the point where he needs to hire two employees. He hires a woman named Sarah and a man named Jack. Things are good.

A year goes by and the little company's sales are sagging. The owner realizes that there is not enough work for his two em...

An old lady is riding the bus...

... when a haggard young mother with a screaming baby gets on. The mother sits across from the old lady, who watches her try everything to calm the child: burps her, rocks her, tries to feed her. Nothing works. The baby continues to scream its head off. Other passengers shoot the mother annoyed look...

Job interview for a TV news anchor

At a job interview for a TV news anchor an applicant seems very qualified and well suited for the job. But the recruiters notice an uncontrolled wink in the man's right eye. They tell him that he'd be great for the job if it wasn't for the frequent winking, which probably won't go down well with the...

Doctor joke number 2

Patient) Doctor i was feeling awful and i had decided to commit suicide by taking 1000 aspirins.

Doctor) Really and what happened?

Patient) After the first 3 i felt a lot better.

A man suffers from Blepharospasm (constant, uncontrollable winking) in one eye...

he complains to a friend that it gives him the most awful head aches. His friend asks, why don't you just get some aspirin from the pharmacy. He replies, I do, but every time I ask the pharmacist for an aspirin he gives me a packet of condoms.

A chemist walks into a pharmacy...

With a pained expression the chemist asks the pharmacist for some acetylsalicylic acid.

The pharmacist looks confused as he asks, "You mean aspirin?"

The chemist, still in pain replies with exasperation, "Yes! I can never remember that word." (Credit to Mr. Wilgus, my high school chemi...

It's the little things in a marriage.

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home.

When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into
her mouth.

Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What d...

I was looking for a type of medicine to motivate me

My friend recommended Aspirin.
“Why”
“Because after taking it, I’ve been Aspirin to do great things”

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A couple of German jokes...

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of
strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies:
'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Becau...

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A man goes to audition for an anchor position at a local tv station

A man goes to the television station auditioning for an anchor position.

He sits down in front of the camera and begins, soon it is obvious that he has a terrible stutter, and hisleft eye continuously winks.

The producer says, "Thank you for your audition, we'll let you know."

T...

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Cant Sex Today

Husband Climbs On The Bed Naked Wanting To Get Really Saucy With His Wife.

To His Dismay, The Wife Told Him That She Has Headache.

The Husband Then Got Off Bed Went To The Kitchen And Came Back.

Then Told Her, “Okay, I Have Powdered My Dick With Aspirin. You Want To Take It Oral...

A man was having trouble getting his wife to make love to him anymore

So one night just before bedtime, he offered her a glass of water and two aspirins.

“What are you giving me these for?”, asked the wife. “I don’t have a headache.”

“Great!” said the man. “Let’s get started.”

Why are elephants large, gray, and wrinkly?

Because is they were small, white, and smooth they'd be aspirin

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Viagra and its consequences

Doctor, what should I do? Sex with my husband doesn't really work anymore!"

The doctor asks, "Have you tried Viagra?"

"My husband doesn't even take aspirin!"

"You have to do it in secret. Just put the drug in his coffee."

"Good, Doctor, I'll try it out!"

Two ...

A police officer, was scheduled for all-night duty at the station...

... he was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said "Honey, would you go down to the all-nigh...

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Susan and Jack both work at a small company that sells widgets.

Monday morning, their supervisor Bill, finds out there have been budget cuts and he has to let one of them go by Friday.

Bill thinks, “Jeez, this really sucks. Susan and Jack are both excellent employees, they were both hired at the same time so neither has seniority, they’re never late, nev...

An Italian goes into a noisy fish market

He goes up and down the aisles looking for a particular fish and can't find it.

In frustration, he then goes to counter and shouts over the noise "DOA YOU HAVE A HADDOCK"

"No I took to aspirin and now i feel fine"

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Sarah and Jack

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he w...

An old lady walks into a pharmacy

\- I would like to buy a pack of acetylsalicylic acid.

\- Do you mean aspirin?

\- Oh yes! I couldn't remember the name!

What medication that can make people inspire you?

Aspirin

sorry guys

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My wife routinely turns down my sexual advances because she has headaches. Feeling particularly horny last night I prepared for that scenario.

As she joined me in bed I asked her if she would like to make love. She declined with her usual headache.

I carefully pulled back the bed-sheet, exposing my erection which was covered in a white powder.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.
"Honey, it's aspirin. You can take it orally o...

I'm serving a new drink at my restaurant called "The Trump Presidency"...

It consists of a tall glass of Bitters with an aspirin dropped in.

It'll be a huge hit. Half the people will order it. The other half will be given it whether they like it or not!

an I.Q too high to buy

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.

The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”

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