UPJOKE
typewriterkeypadqwertypianocomputerkeybioshardwarekeyboardistguitarlaptopflutetypingheadphonescello

Why do keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts.

I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday

They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts

What's management's favorite keyboard shortcut?

Shift + Blame.

What is Elon Musk's favourite keyboard shortcut?

ctrl + space + x

How do you make a computer keyboard sad?

You make the key "D" pressed

I've lost control. I don't see an end. There is no escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

Time for a new keyboard.

A radiologist had fallen on hard times. Looking around for what he could eat, he saw that his keyboard didn't have safety warnings suggesting it wasn't edible. After getting so far, he began having stomach pains, so he decided to take an X-ray. He found an asterisk...

...blocking the colon.

A spider crawled into my keyboard last night...

He is still in there. I have him under control.

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

Keyboard demon

Greg is sitting at his computer browing his favouriye website and a demon pops out from behind his keyboard and proclaims "for I am the almighty keyboard demon! here to steal all your keys" Greg jumps back out of his seat like a shot!

Taking advantage of this, the demon grabs the keyboard an...

Keyboard Woes

My girlfriend sent me an email:

myspacebarisbrokenpleasegivemeanalternative



My question - what does ternative mean?

My girlfriend told me if I don’t get off the computer she’s gonna smash my head against the keyboard

I’m sure I’ll be fine thoughjikshksheijs dhsjsuuwndjc

My mum said that if I don't get off Reddit now, she'll slam my head into the keyboard.

She wohdjdbwjqoksmdhdjdjdnksskpwldlk

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has acc...

An astronaut flies in his space shuttle

And after flying for a while he stops at the nearest gas station in space to fill up. Once he’s done he asks the cashier where the nearest bar is. The cashier respond with “if you just go over to the next moon, you’ll find it. It’s called The Keyboard.” The astronaut thanks the cashier and leaves. O...

How do you call someone that switches the m and n letters on a keyboard

A Nomster

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?

Shift + T



^(\[OC?\])

I thought I spilled coffee all over my keyboard.

My keyboard still works fine except one key. The spill was under control.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn .

Keyboard on my phone is not working

Keyboard on my phone is not working can someone help?

I ran into the office this morning and switched the m and n keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might call me a monster but

Others are definitely going to call ne a nomster

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What keyboard shortcut turns your computer into a piece of shit?

*Alt + Right*

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

Why is the computer keyboard working so hard?

Because it has two shifts!

Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?

Ctrl-P

Today I pulled a key off my keyboard [long]

Today I pulled one of the CTRL keys from my keyboard and was shocked to find myself looking down at the entire universe: stars planets, black holes, the whole thing was right there beneath my keyboard.

I was so shocked I called a friend in to show her. After five minutes of gazing into total...

What’s the blood type of a keyboard

A type-O

I need to get a new friend

I’ve been trying to develop a website on my laptop but needed help as I only know basic coding. I asked my friend, a computer programmer, for advice and he told me to get Python

After about a week, the snake arrived. It then proceeded to wrap itself around the computer now it doesn’t work at ...

I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.

I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.

Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?

Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!

Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

I stole the punctuation keys from a Judge's keyboard yesterday.

I'm expecting a long sentence.

I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...

...she just wasn't my type.

Where do computer keyboards get a drink?

The Space Bar

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

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my dick is so big

If you laid it out on a keyboard it'd stretch all the way from A to Z

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My dick is so long if I laid it on the keyboard it would stretch all the way from A to Z

Wait... Shit...

My keyboard is a victim

It has been O-pressed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wang is so big...

If I put it on a keyboard, it stretches from A to Z.


Oh, wait a minute...

[OC] Hey girl, are you a keyboard?

Because you're something I might just smash out of frustration.

Did you know?

If you leave a weight on your keyboard, it willllllllllllllllllllllll

I swapped the ‘S’ and ‘C’ keys on my entomologist friends keyboard

*heh* try looking up “insect facts” now!

What is a succubus’s favourite keyboard command?

Ctlr+D

I smashed my keyboard and I'm so angry..

I lost ctrl

How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?

You start with the higher R key.

Why did the astronaut take his computer's keyboard apart?

He was looking for the Space Bar.

I'm not like other keyboards...

I'm qwerty

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My girlfriend just said that if I don't get off Reddit and spend some time with her she's going to smash my face into the keyboard

I wish that dumb bitch trieljljg bmbmvncbxbxbc nljhkgkgjdhdhd mnm gufugjfhhkdh

I spilled some coffee on my keyboard,

Now i have no escape.

My wife said that the next time she sees me browsing Reddit, she'll smash my head against the keyboard

Hehdjeiwnbxkakanbciejsnakxc

It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

Twitter have just created a keyboard shortcut that mutes all Neo-Conservative posts.

Ctrl + Alt + Right

Whats the difference between a piano, a keyboard and a bottle of glue?

The piano doesnt need electricity, the keyboard does.

What do you call a solar powered keyboard?

A photosynthesiser

How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?

thbjgctr[HUV93tqwbhj4yui89 4ruq9-tyq3t9qp36crioedfh qweoyq9f7ewr y9p7q8tr q37902t 4047yq3rqwrqorgq rp8oqgrqo8g8owg fp8ewfg o8wegf ofhu prhq439pyr q4t83q[i09[fi0a[fdshv payuhieyu463wsur58ry r927ct9y1y9f38qepw0t7f8qeje278ee0

How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?

qwsedrftgyhujikolpawesdrtfgyhujikloaszxdcrfvgtbhnjmk,lazsxdcfvgsedtfrgyftg67y78u87u8uii9op[;'';;'/;l/l;.l.k,lkmjkmertyudfghjk12q21q2qw3qwe3we4r45rt6ygerdgfvbwedfcv qwedfscv

I've been learning keyboard shortcuts

I have decided to start learning and using keyboard shortcuts, they are really convenient and can actually save you quite a bit of time.

For example:

The Windows key + D will minimize everything and go to your desktop

Alt Tab will switch between applications

Alt Right wi...

My mom said if I stayed up late then she'd bash my head against my keyboard again

I'm old enough to stay awake for as long as I damn pleahfjjsjjchfigjbrbrje d ffhfhfnfbfbrbrbrdjdjfufhfhdhdbdbrvtjtkykumhkfieuegdgajks38rjbfbfbdejjejekdfnjf

A Canadian took their keyboard into their clubhouse...

Piano fort, eh?

Why can't the keyboard sleep?

Cause it's working double shift

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

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I got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday

I wasn't putting in enough shifts, which I thought was some capital bullshit. They're such Ctrl freaks and now I need to find alternate work

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The button next to the "2" key on my keyboard broke.

Guess it was 1 key.

Why does the keyboard work 24 hrs a day?

Because it has 2 shifts.

I was drinking beer at the computer and spilled a whole can on my keyboard..

RIP.
We had some good times..

Good thing I had another one in the fridge.

A guy dumped his girlfriend for a keyboard.

She just wasn't his type.

What is Neil Armstrong's favorite key on the keyboard?

The SPACE BAR of course!!!!


My ten year old came up with that doozy :)

Just because someone found out how to connect a keyboard and a portable radio together doesn't make them a nerd

That would be stereotyping.

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Fuck Chuck Norris ..

If he is as strong and powerful as everyone states, I dare him to come to my house and bash my head in the keyboarddfrljkl;kjtpog496yasdfjknxirhsmfsjfigdjsyebxhsueyxbxjdobdbzhcvhsivdbdindgdyhdbisbdbdhbshhshsudjshgsidbbdhdydhdbksjdbdyyshdbuendheibdjdidn

A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard.

He called his wife about it.

"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked.

"Yes, I have it under CTRL."

I rearranged my keyboard today

Now everything's under Control

What do you call a keyboard with one letter constantly pressed?

O-pressed

Donald uses a keyboard...

.. and Mickey mouse.

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.

But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

So a spider just crawled onto my keyboard

But don't worry I think it's under ctrl.

Did you hear about the ant who stored his food inside a keyboard?

He's got everything under CTRL

An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip

Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.

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Holy shit there's a spider under my keyboard

I think it's under control

My buddy told me to quit my job at the keyboard factory and become an astronaut

That way I can visit the Space Bar

I lost the 2 middle keys in my keyboard

jk

Keyboard factory

used to work at a keyboard factory, and my sector was responsible for the making of the Key D; my job was to test whether the D key worked or not, so everyday I would sit and press the D key on different keyboards for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Eventually I had had enough and had to leave, the jo...

In a fit of rage I smashed my keyboard til all the keys popped off.

I guess you could say I lost Ctrl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend sat on my keyboard...

I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that ass is refreshing." ...

She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.

Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?

Because the & is near

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the man who had to press the "D" button on a keyboard his whole life?

It's a d-pressing story.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with a woman on top of a keyboard

I made her qwert

There's a new keyboard shortcut in GTA V which if you press it will cause your character to kill minorities.

Alt-right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just bought an egotistical keyboard

It's like a regular keyboard but there's no backspace button because I never make mistakes

Why is a job at the broken keyboard factory so lucrative?

There's plenty of extra shifts to pick up.

I hate how H and B are so close together on the keyboard.

I SWEAR I just wanna hang.

So I used to work in a keyboard factory

I got fired because I always lost CTRL and because of that I went HOME and lost a lot of SHIFTS. I guess F8 didn't want me to work there.

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A dog walks into a bank with his lawyer for making deposit of 1M$ cash money

The teller of the bank brings dog to bank president because of so much money.

The bank president says for dog and lawyer come into his office and close the door. He makes question to the dog, "How do you come by having so much moneys?"

The dog replies, "ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF G...

I was so tried today after working at the giant keyboard factory..

I put in a big shift

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a nazi's favorite button combo on a keyboard?

Alt-right.

I'll see myself out.

Selling Paul Walker's keyboard on ebay ( $100 )

Disclaimer: it's missing a key ( previous owner lost CTRL ).

Using the keyboard is so easy, I can do it with my eyes closed!

Said Stevie Wonder

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