I miss understood a Sleeping Beauty

Ill never be welcome to a funeral again.

What's the difference between a circus and the Miss America beauty pageant?

One is a cunning array of stunts.

How do you call an area populated by run-down Italian beauty salons?

A spa-ghetto


... I am so ashamed of myself...

Why wanting beauty is less shallow than wanting money?

When you divorce a beautiful person you don't get half of their good looks.

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

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Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer

I get reported for sexual harassment

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet...

The view was breathtaking!

Let me know what you think of my 2nd attempt!

A young boy decided that he wanted to become a beekeeper when he grew up. When he told his parents this they decided it would be a great chance to teach him responsibility and give him a chance to earn his own spending money. So they bought him a small colony of bees and the tools he would need to t...

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How did the male porn star describe the female porn star’s beauty?

He said she had the nicest face he ever came across.

Planned Parenthood is conducting a beauty contest.

The winner will be called 'Miss Carriage'.

Wife came home from a beauty salon

Husband: "Well, at least you tried."

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What do beauty therapists say when they’re finished with a manicure?

Nailed it!

Please help me find my lost horse, Black Beauty.

The horse was last seen near the white fence I was repainting.
Side note, is anyone missing a zebra?

My daughter entered a toddler's beauty pageant in the south.

She won the Miss Sippy Cup!

What do you call a beauty queen with a black eye?

Miss Treatment

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Small, round, thin,

thick crust, deep pan, extra toppings...

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

Have you heard about the Beauty and the Beast sequel where they fix up the Beast's house?

It's a tale as old as time, a song of mold and grime.

Amazed by the stunning beauty of their new secretary, two corporate executives resolved to make her adjustment to her new firm their personal business...

“It’s up to us to teach her the difference between right and wrong,” said the first executive. “Agreed,” exclaimed the second. “You teach her what’s right.”

I went to a clinic that can scientifically rate your beauty on a scale of 1 - 10 by taking a urine sample.

I never actually had to pee in the cup though because when they handed it to me, they told me “You’re an eight.”

My girlfriend is a campsite beauty.

She is pretty intense.

What do you call a girl who did not register in time for the beauty contest?

Miss Deadline.

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”



The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”...

What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes?

Beekeepers.
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.

What do you call a non-binary person at a beauty pageant?

Miss Ellaneous

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

Did you hear about the balancing beauty queen?

She was pretty on the ball.

I have learnt that beauty is only skin-deep. That once you pull back the layers, you realise...

Being a cannibal isn't for everyone.

My local beauty shop was broken into last night.

CCTV footage shows a suspect moonwalking out carrying a large amount of moisturising cream.

The officer at the scene told the shop owner "You've been struck by, a smooth criminal".

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Beauty is just a matter of timing: In 1970s America I would’ve been ridiculed for having a hairless chest. In ancient Greece I would’ve been laughed at for having a big penis.

Still waiting for that bald future all those fucking sci-fi movies promised me.

Ugliness has one advantage over beauty

It's permanent.

I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today.

Turns out it was a Miss Steak.

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There's a penis beauty competition taking place in New York. The total prize pool is $10,000.

Wiener takes all.

If you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.


One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"


The man says, "I should have taken the money."

My wife tried one of those expensive beauty mud packs on her face and it worked!

Till she took it off.

Did you hear about the model who thought she was going to a beauty pageant? Turns out it was a kidnapping.

She was Miss Taken

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There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident...

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The wife's face was burned severely. The doctor suggested for a skin graft, but unfortunately, the doctor had to inform her that they couldn't use any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then offered to donate some of hi...

I finally know the moral of the story "Beauty and the Beast"...

As long as you're rich and have a nice house, a girl will eventually fall for you.

They're making a new Beauty and the Beast where the princess is brain damaged and everyone picks her up to do curls.

She is a dumb Belle

I almost failed out of beauty school

But they let me take a make-up exam

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

“Do you love me for my beauty or brains?” asks the woman

Without missing a beat he replies: “I love your self confidence dear”

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen


For women: We've specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

What's the only prize that Gaston won in Beauty and the Beast?

The No Belle prize.

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Bill is sitting in the ladies beauty parlour waiting area....

A pretty woman came to him, pressed his shoulders gently & said: come let's go.

Bro Bill looked left & right, started sweating a bit & anticipating dire consequences said: I am married & waiting for my wife.

Lady: look carefully, it is me!

Your beauty cannot be contained by the set of all real numbers.

That's because it's imaginary.

Why do dominatrixes get so much beauty rest

They just love to hit the sack

"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..."

"He took a long look at me and gave me $300"

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What was the first thing Hitler bought from the beauty shop?

Polish remover

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

It makes sense why Emma Watson is in both Beauty and the Beast and Harry Potter

Both of the main characters are harry

Did you see the winner of the Ms Saudi Arabia beauty contest?

Neither did I.

Charlie Sheen and Rihanna meet outside of an elevator.

Both wait patiently for the elevator to arrive. When the doors open Rihanna makes a hand gesture and says: '' Aids before Beauty ''.

I just re-watched American Beauty today...

Kevin Spacey plays one hell of a Kevin Spacey in that movie!

Disney is already working on a sequel to Beauty and the Beast...

They're calling it The French Prince in Belle's Snare.

A monk once explained me the beauty of silence .

I went home and listened to a blank cd on full volume.

What do you call the winner of the beauty pageant for teenagers who've had an abortion?

Little miss conception

Why is Venus named after the Roman goddess of beauty?

Because it's the hottest planet in our solar system

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3 Wishes

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." P...

Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat-- all die and go to heaven...

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

God turns to the golden retriever and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate princi...

3 cousins are together talking about their names. The first, a raven haired beauty, says "when my mother was pregnant a rose fell from a bush and landed on her stomach so she named me Rose".

The second, a beautiful blonde, says, "when my mother was pregnant a violet landed on her stomach, so she named me Violet".
She turns to the 3rd cousin, a small crippled girl in a wheelchair, "how did u get your name, Piano??".

I am ironman.

God and Adam are having an argument one day over who is the strongest and most versatile creature in creation.

"The leopard can run faster than anything on land and the elephant contains the strength of one hundred of you," God told Adam.

Adam glared at God defiantly, "But I can outthi...

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

I just got fired for getting beauty tips online during my lunch break!

my Boss said " Madison Ivy gets a facial" is not a video on beauty tips.

Words cannot describe your beauty...

But numbers can. 4/10.

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A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well, sister,...

In a department store, where is your beauty?

Aisle of the beholder.

Lol I hate myself.

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Beauty, self image and the ability to transform.

Martha was ugly like a shaven baboon,

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon.

After a week she finally emerged,

She smelled like shit what a psycho.

>Credits to Bo Burnham

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...

Because you're at an all-time low.

(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

Remember folks, beauty...

Is only a light switch away.

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I laid back last night and admired the sky above me, taking in the beauty of the universe when it hit me...

Where the fuck is my roof?

Misunderstood JT

In the early 2000s Justin Timberlake did a tour in Eastern Europe and had a stop in southern Ukraine.

After playing a show in Sevastopol he had some down time so he travelled the countryside, and was amazed by the stunning beauty of the peninsula's nature and wildlife. He backpacked through ...

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A middle-aged woman is conscious about the way she looks as she's coming of age...

Especially about the wrinkles that are starting to come out around her face. So she decides to go to the plastic surgeon.

"Doctor doctor, what can you do about these wrinkles?"

"Hmmm, in your case, I'd recommend a very innovative, yet very cheap method. I'll install these two tiny sc...

What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture...

What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?

Aurora boring Alice.

Me: "If only the man upstairs could have blessed you with brains as well as beauty."

Wife: "Why the hell is there a man upstairs?"

Rick is sitting in his bar in Casablanca, enjoying the sublime beauty of geometry...

He raises his glass and says, "Here's looking at Euclid."

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After his first time having sex with Sleeping Beauty

the Prince was quite surprised at how loud she was in bed. "Wow, who are you?"

She replied "Aurora"

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A black man and a bird walk into a bar.

The bartender said "What a beauty! Where did you get him?"
The bird replied "Africa."

Beauty is only skin deep ...

but ugly goes all the way to the bone!

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

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Blonde approaches the customer service counter at a grocery store...

“How can I help you miss?” Says the man behind the counter. “I need to get 80 gallons of milk please”, she replies. “Excuse me?” Says the man “why would you need all that milk for?” . “Well you see, its a beauty tip. You bathe in milk for an hour and your skin appears 10 years younger”, she sa...

A scientist travels back in time to ancient Babylonia to see the beauty of the Hanging gardens...

...after trying to impress the King by demonstrating magnetism between his crown and a magnet, he finds himself in big trouble.

In court, the people are mixed about what his punishment should be. Some see him as a valuable ally while others see him as a dangerous threat. The kind and generous...

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The Tale Of The Two Ravens

Once upon a time there was a raven sitting on a nice, solid branch of a big oak, allowing the bird to have a great view over the fields beneath him. The raven didn't do much, he was simply sitting on his ass. After some time another raven spotted the solid branch and the first raven and decided to s...

William Shakespeare takes a potion and is propelled into the modern age.

Smart as ever, he rapidly learns the global situation in politics and entertainment and even becomes highly Internet literate.
He discovers that a famous actress has been named after his wife Anne Hathaway. He decides she is extremely beautiful but wants to meet her in person to determine if s...

My daughter woke me

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went to the bedroom to read while I fell fast asleep watching the Giants game.

"Daddy," she whispered, while tugging my shirt sle...

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A ventriloquist is on stage telling a dumb blonde joke...

...when a platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she yells. “...

The Brilliant Scientist

A brilliant scientist, by the name of Dr. Elliot Kupferberg, assembled yet another fruitful invention that would slap anyone who dared to lie within its presence. But one last piece remained. He knew, as a scientist, that he needed to test his potentially dangerous contraption on humans. So he thoug...

Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

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Due to a mix up my cat ended up in a beauty contest

Due to a mix up my cat ended up in a beauty contest and not at the vet. To my surprise she apparently won some gimmick trophy for fluffiest butt. It was a real *catastrophe.*

Why were there only 49 contestants in the National Ebonics Beauty Pageant?

Nobody wanted to wear the sash that says "Idaho".

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