Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "...

Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?

Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.

Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.

"Hmm, Yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
<...

I'm not saying you are old...

but the candles cost more than your cake.

(I heard this one at a bridge club today)

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman driving along passed over a bridge

A woman driving along passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked,
'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'w...

One day I was walking across a bridge when I saw a man about to jump off. I immediately shouted to him, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why not?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well... are you religious or not?"

"I am!"

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too...

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea

Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine Learning algorithm: yes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Having sex is like playing bridge

If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

an african politician visits an american politician.

Af: That's a big house you've got there, how did you afford it?

Am: See that bridge over there? I kept 10% of the money that went into building it, same goes for most of the roads and bridges that were rebuilt here.

Ten years later, the American goes to visit his old friend.

Am:...

The government was seeking for tenders to build a bridge

On Monday, the first contractor had a meeting with the minister.

"What's your quote?" the minister asked.

"$300 million" said the contractor.

"How do you come up with that figure?"

"Well," said the contractor, quietly, "$100 million for you, $100 million for me, and $10...

The foreman at my bridge construction site is always rushing things. But when I got the beams set ahead of schedule he didn't believe me.

Nobody expects the span is in position.

Three workers were having lunch on a bridge

They were each discussing what they had for lunch. Sam had a ham and cheese sandwich: “Man if my wife packs ham and cheese one more time this week I am jumping off this bridge. Tony had roast beef: “Me too man, I’m sick of roast beef. If I get this one more time this month I’m jumping off.” Carl had...

A man is walking along the beach, when he trips over something, looks down and sees an old bottle. He picks it up and out pops a genie. "I will give you one wish and only one. What will it be?" The man thinks and thinks...

He lives in California and really loves to visit Hawaii, but he despises flying, so he asks the genie.

"I want a bridge from California to Hawaii, over the Pacific ocean."

The genie looks at him for a bit.

He says, "No, no, no. Sorry, but a bridge over the Pacific? That is too ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An English, a Japan and a Russian are visiting Russia.

When they are in Moscow Russian takes them to sightseeing.

And see a big bridge the English speaks and says:

'' Ah, its a nice bridge. But if it was in England, we would build it in 3 months. We have the best tools and technology for it.''

The Japan goes forward and says:
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, w...

A black dude and a white dude are peeing from a bridge over a river

White dude goes :_"That wind is a tad chilly"
Black dude goes: _"Yeah that water too"

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Stat...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A homeless man is walking across a bridge...

A homeless man (a particularly homeless-looking homeless man) is walking across a bridge and comes across the most beautiful woman he's ever seen standing at the edge, ready to jump off. He goes over to her and says

"Miss, you can't do this! You're so beautiful and there has to be so many g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is on top of a bridge about to commit suicide

A homeless man walks up to her and tells her not to do it.

"Its too late, I've made up my mind" said the scared and shaking woman.

"Well, before you do, can we have sex first?"

Appalled the woman shouted "No!"

"Ok, then I'll just meet ya down at the bottom".

A guy drives by a bridge and was stopped by a police...

Police: Congratulations sir! You are the millionth car to drive by this bridge since its opening. Here is your lucky reward of $10,000.

A reporter in stand-by rushed in to interview the lucky driver.

Reporter: Congratulations on your win! Can you tell me how do you feel now, and what w...

Why was the superconductor sleeping under a bridge?

Because it's Ohmless.

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge, when suddenly a bald old woman appears.

"I am the witch who guards this bridge. Ye may only pass if you present to me a challenge which I cannot do."

The Englishman steps up first:

"I was the best footballer in my h...

What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?

A civil engineer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...

immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have sex with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."

A knight walks up to a peasant on a bridge

The peasent happily hums to himself "twenty-six... twenty-six... twenty-six".

The knight asks the peasant what's he humming about and he calmly answers that the knight should look down the bridge to find out. So the knight bends over the bridge, looks into the water, just as the peasant kicks...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The King and the Fucker on the bridge

Once upon a time there lived a king who wanted to test the loyalty of his subjects. He raised heavy taxes on his people and demanded high rent for the land.

There were no complaints. None.

The king summoned one of his officers and instructed him to collect one gold coin from everyone p...

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge

When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."

“If your friends jumped off a bridge would you”

Was probably not the best way to break the ice in group therapy

I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins.

It was very civil engineering.

A Bridge in the Desert

In 2006, the president of Poland met with former US President Bush at a meeting of NATO.

While there, the Polish president asked Bush for a favor. Looking to help an ally, Bush asked what he needed.

"Well, you see in Poland we are having a serious crisis of morale," he began. "You see...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You can build a thousand bridges and not be a bridge builder.

But you suck one cock and your a cocksucker for life.

( I’m new here if this has been said before or recently sorry)

Why can't US Presidents play bridge together?

Because Donald gets confused whenever someone makes a bid of No Trumps.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

a guy gets pulled over at the end of a bridge for speeding

The police officer walks up to his car and says "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The driver, rudely says "No officer - but I'm sure you're aware, so why don't you enlighten both of us?"

The police officer, recognizing the driver's attitude, attempts to take him down a notch. "Wh...

"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."

"Genoa?"

"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Instead of building walls we should be building bridges...

to Canada. Let them deal with this shit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.

He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.

"Why did you stop me you old fool?"

"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old man exclaims with a ...

Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?

Ah well, we won't go over it then.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the bridge ?

Taquilla.

A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."

The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"<...

An advertising executive is about to jump off a bridge.

A policeman approaches him and says "Sir, don't do it!"

Then the adman starts explaining his reasons for the decision - bad economy, depressing surroundings, debts, etc.

After hearing that, the cop jumps with him.

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.

“My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”

“That’s very ni...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge

A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine...

My dad told me he put a draw bridge at our house.

Turns out, he installed the garage door upside down.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"

She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die."

So she climbs do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men are crossing a bridge

A black man, an Asian man, and a Jew are crossing a bridge. Right under the bridge, a troll pops out and tells them, "You may only cross this bridge if your combined penis lengths are at least 17 inches."

So the black man pulls it out and it's 9 inches.

The Jew is 6 inches.

The ...

Hey girl, are you a rickety bridge?

Cause youre giving me anxiety.

Anyone can build a bridge that stands, but you need an Engineer if...

... you want one that just barely stands.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American woman is standing on a bridge preparing to commit suicide when a local sailor approaches her.

The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.


The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a...

What do you call a green bat that walks across a yellow bridge?

I don’t know, but at least it isn’t a repost

Three bridge security guards are sitting down to eat lunch...

The unpack their lunches. The first one has a bologna sandwich, the second has a PB&J sandwich, and the third has a ham and cheese sandwich. The next day, they have the same sandwiches again. This continues for many days until one day they are sick of it. They decide that if they don't get somet...

When I was in Paris I got rip-roaring drunk and fell off a bridge into the river

It was in Seine

Every Friday night for years, two couples have met to play bridge

The husbands always team up against the wives. One Friday night, during a break in game play, the women head to the kitchen, leaving the guys at the card table.
“You know, Bob,” says Steve, “we’ve played bridge every Friday night for years, and every Friday night I have to help you remember whic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So the Belgians are pissed...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build...

Donald trump and Kim Jong-Un have a race to see who can fall off a bridge the quickest. Who wins?

Society

An American, a Russian and a Mexican are standing on a bridge

The Russian pulls out a bottle of vodka, takes one swig and throws it off the bridge. The Mexican looks at him stunned and says " Hey man, that was a perfectly good bottle, what gives, homes?" To which the russian replies " Theres too much of this where I come from" The mexican proceeds to pull out ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Rihanna, Usher and Justin Bieber were walking over a bridge..........

Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the railings.


Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and fucks her senseless.


He stands back and tells Justin, "Your turn!"


Justin burst out into tears.


"Whats wrong?", asks Usher.

...

What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge?

Pollution.

Three workers were sitting on a bridge eating lunch...

The first worker opens his lunchbox and notices he got a turkey sandwich, then says “if I get another turkey sandwich I will jump off this bridge.

The second worker opens his box and sees he has a bean burrito. This angers him and he says “if I get another bean burrito I will jump off this b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[long] A man with one arm wanted to jump off a bridge to end his life...

...when questioned why by pedestrians, he exclaimed "I can't do it anymore, I'm sick of being disadvantaged, I'm always so unhappy!"

A pedestrian pointed out another man further down the bridge, who had no arms, and had drawn a crowd dancing - "look, it can't be that bad. See how happy that g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes pu...

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

A big moron and a little moron were walking along a bridge...

When, suddenly, the big moron fell off and into the river!

Fortunately, the little moron was able to stay on the bridge, if only because he was a little more on.

(Joke credit to Stephen King)

An American contractor puts out a tender for a bridge to be constructed.

Several engineers apply for the job.

The German engineer comes with mechanics and techniques and proposes a bridge to be built for the sum of 20 million dollars.

The Chinese engineer comes, plagiarizes and copies the Germans stuff and after a lot of cost cutting and cheap materials, pr...

A trucker gets lost one day and as luck would have it, he comes to low bridge and gets stuck under it...cars are backed up for miles behind him....

Eventually, a cop car pulls up, the officer gets out and walks up, laughing hysterically and pointing at the trucker.

He puts his hands on his hips and says with a chuckle, "Got stuck, eh?"

The trucker replies, "No sir, not at all, you see, I was delivering this bridge when I ran out o...

Three Guys are Sitting on a Bridge...

After a long day of work, all three of them decide to pop open their lunchboxes and chow down.

Guy 1: "PB&J Again? I swear I'm gonna jump right off this bridge if I ever have to eat this again"

Guy 2: "Ugh Leftover Tuna-fish, if I so much as smell it again I'm gonna jump right off ...

A man is standing on a bridge over a dangerous river,

constantly saying "63, 63, 63..." over and over. Suddenly a tourist comes by and asks why is he just standing there repeating that number. The man didn't answer, instead he just pushes the tourist off the bridge into the river and says: "64, 64, 64..."

Credit: dad

My friend gave me a ride to work but every time we drove under a bridge my joints started aching.

Guess I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gastón the bridge builder

A Cajun named Rafael arrives in a small fishing town in Louisiana to visit his old friend Gastón.

"Long time no see buddy, how've you been?" says Rafael

"Well, not great Rafe," replies Gastón, "you see those houses over there on that bayou? I built every single one of those houses. But...

You walk across a bridge and see a boat filled with people but there isn't a single person on board. How is this possible?

All the people on the boat are married

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two women are standing on a bridge..

..one says to another, "you know what I've always wanted to do? Pee over the edge of a bridge just like the guys do"
The other lady says "go for it. No one's around."
So she steps to the edge, drops her pants, sticks her ass over and says, "I'm gonna pee into that canoe." The other woman looks...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 young boys are eating lunch on a bridge

The first one, who is French, says "If I find another baloney sandwich in my lunch tomorrow, I'm jumping off of this bridge!"

The second one, who is Irish, says "If I find another turkey sandwich in my lunch tomorrow, I'm jumping off of this bridge!"

The third one, who is Scottish, say...

Why is building a bridge better than building a tunnel?

One is riveting, the other is boring.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Build one hundred churches and no one will call you a church builder, build five hundred bridges and no one calls you a bridge builder

But if you fuck one goat......

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was contemplating suicide on a bridge.

A man was contemplating suicide on a bridge when he looked down and saw a little man with no arms dancing. This cheered him up and made him change his mind about suicide.

When he got down off the bridge he approached the little man to thank him. "Thank you, I was going to jump off the bridge...

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde visit a magical bridge.

The sign reads "Magical bridge: Jump off the bridge and shout out what you want to land in and so it shall be."

The brunette goes first, she climbs on the rail, jumps off and yells "Pillows!" She lands safe and sound in a pile of pillows.

The redhead jumps next. " Hundred dollar bills...

A rich man was strolling along a riverside with his 6 year old daughter and they came to a bridge...

On the bridge there was a hobo sitting and shaking his cup. As they were walking past, the rich man wasn't keeping an eye on his daughter, who was playing with the bars of the railing and she slipped through and fell in. Not knowing how to swim himself, the man shouted for help. Without saying a wor...

You are at one side of a bridge, with a bear, a wolf, a goat, and a big bundle of grass. You have to cross the bridge, but can only hold one at a time. If left alone, the bear will kick the wolf off the cliff, the wolf will eat the sheep, and the sheep will eat the grass. How do you do it?

Just juggle them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mage puts two friends, John and Fred, into a labyrinth of bridges.

The two walk around the maze, and they arrive at the first bridge. Fred starts to walk over the bridge when he sees John masturbating out of the corner of his eye. He does a double take and then asks why he's doing this. John then explains that the mage told him they must orgasm on the bridge in ord...

What do you get when you cross a bridge with a car?

You get to the other side.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A homeless guy sees a lady about to kill herself.

He walks up to her standing on the edge of a tall bridge and says, “hey I know what you’re about to do, and I won’t pretend to understand or stop you, but before you do, can we please have sex? It’s been a really long time.

She replies, no you sicko!”

So he says “it’s cool. I’ll just...

A Bridge to Hawaii

A man is cleaning out his garage and comes upon an old lamp. He figures what the heck, takes the lamp, rubs it off, and sure enough a Genie pops out. “Thank you for awakening me. I will grant you one wish.”
The man inquires “anything I want?"

“Yes, anything” says the Genie.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Finding the loot

Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – t...

A bridge killed my family...

We're arch enemies now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is about to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge.

A man passing by sees her and says

"Hey, before you jump, do you want to have sex with me?"

She says "Fuck you, ya perverted asshole"

He says,

"That's fine. I'll wait for you at the bottom"

I once had a fear of crossing bridges...

But I got over it.

What did the engineer say to the bridge after it had collapsed?

I trussed you.