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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?.............

What language do bridges speak?

Span-ish.

If you jumped off a bridge in Paris

You would be IN SEINE.....

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3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break.

The first guy says “If I get a Marmite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.”
The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”.
The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” ...

Why doesn't Nancy Pelosi make a good bridge partner?

She always bids no trump.

I don't know how to sing "London Bridge is Falling Down"

but I'm gonna take a stab at it.

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons...

“My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”


“That’s ver...

Captain Hook and Smee are talking on the bridge

CH: arrrgh I miss Vine, twas me fav'rit app

S: But Cap'n there's a new app! It's not exactly the same but very similar.

CH: What's it called?

S: ummm

Bikers were riding west on when they saw a girl about to jump off a Bridge.

They stopped and George, the leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit ...

Why don't they build bridges out of red peppers?

Because they would collapsacum...

A billionaire gets an idea to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii

He approaches a civil engineer to design this massive bridge for him.

The engineer tells him, “Look, this isn’t a matter of money, it simply can’t be done. The Pacific Ocean is too deep, no concrete beam could support the pressure of the depths, let alone the thousands that would be needed to...

Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?

Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.

Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "...

I recently saw a documentary about bridges.

It was the most suspenseful documentary I have seen.

One day I was walking across a bridge when I saw a man preparing to jump off

I immediately shouted to him, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why not?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well... are you religious or not?"

"I am!"

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Ca...

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A beautiful girl is standing on the edge of a bridge

A beautiful girl is standing on the edge of a bridge about to jump off when a homeless comes up and asks if he could have sex with her before she jumps. She looks at him in disgust and swears him off. The man replied" that's fine I'll just wait for you down there"

Broken bridges really annoy me...

I just can't get over them.

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.

He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.

"Why did you stop me you old fool?"

"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old man exclaims with a ...

What’s the most most dangerous bridge in the world

The bridge named chuck Norris because nobody crosses it and lives

A stunnigly attractive Woman is standing on a bridge...

...obviously ready to jump and ending her life. A young man driving past with his bike thinking "wow" and asks loudly: "hey there beautiful, you think I can come up and we make out?"
The woman disgusted by the young man's proposal screams: "Eeew no way!!!"
The young man with a winner's smile ...

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A grandma decides to end her long prosperous life early by jumping from a bridge

A man approaches while she readies herself to jump.

The man asks: "Excuse me, if you commit suicide, could we have Sex now? I mean you will die soon anyways".

The grandma is shocked and says: "Hell no. What do you think who I am you pervert?"

The starts walking away and tells th...

3 blondes are lost in the desert

They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.

Luckily, a genie just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."

The first blonde wished she was an excellen...

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You know you can build a thousand bridges and NEVER be known as a bridge builder...

But you fuck ONE goat...

2 "walks into a bar" jokes

1. So A dislexic kid walks into a bra...

2. A peice of rope walks into a bar, the bartender says "we dont serve your kind here". The rope walks out of the bar and unties the knot on his head, he walks back in and the bartender asks, "are you the same rope that was in here a minute ago?" And...

I live under a 4 million dollar roof.

Bridges sure are expensive.

300 Bricks on a plane

There are 300 bricks on a plane, 1 falls off. How many are left? Pretty simple, 299.


What are the 3 steps to put an elephant in a fridge? Easy, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, and close the fridge.


What are the 4 steps to put a Giraffe in the fridge? Easy, open the fr...

What did the bridge say to the nervous iron worker?

Truss me.

A man standing on a bridge

There was a man standing on a bridge and shouting: “ 13! 13! 13!” So another man went to him and asked: “ Why are you shouting the number 13?” The man pushed him off the bridge into the river, and started shouting: “14! 14! 14!”

Why do people never do themselves what they want others to do? BUILD BRIDGES NOT WALLS!!!

No u.

What did Gandalf say when an onion tried to cross the bridge?

You shallot pass!

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Having sex is like playing bridge

If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

A man was walking along a beach in California when he stumbled across an old lamp.

As he rubbed it, a genie popped out and granted him a wish.

‘Let me see,’ said the guy. ‘I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared of flying and get seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can go there on vacation?’

The genie scratched his head. ‘A bridge f...

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A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, w...

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge, when suddenly a bald old woman appears.

"I am the witch who guards this bridge. Ye may only pass if you present to me a challenge which I cannot do."

The Englishman steps up first:

"I was the best footballer in my h...

What do you get if you cross a bridge with a bicycle?

You get across the bridge faster than if you'd walked.

A Chinese Official invites a Malaysian Official to his house

The Malaysian official is in awe that the Chinese official's house is a big and luxurious mansion, so he ask him how did he manage to own such an estate with a public servant's salary.

The Chinese man take him to the balcony, and points to a half built bridge.

"See that bridge? I used ...

Three politicians and little Johnny are walking down the street.

There's a republican, a democrat and a libertarian walking on one side of the street and little Johnny on the other. They come across a horribly dilapidated bridge, looking like it's about to collapse.

"We should raise taxes and have some company fix it. Then everybody will be able to use it ...

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine Learning algorithm: yes.

Ole and Sven are fishing near a bridge.

They had been there for a while with bites. Then a funeral precession starts to go over the bridge. Ole stands up and takes off his hat until it passes.

"Wow Ole I didn't know you had so much respect for the dead." Sven says.

"Well I should. I was married to her for 30 years."

Why was the superconductor sleeping under a bridge?

Because it's Ohmless.

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Two horsemen were riding towards each other.

They came up face to face on the other sides of a bridge. The bridge was not wide enough for them both to cross so they had to decide who goes first. The other horseman said ”Move out of the way or the same will happen to you that happened to the last horseman.” Well, the other man moved but still d...

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"Well isn't that nice"

Three old ladies were sitting at a table playing bridge and talking about their Anniversaries...

Lady 1: My husband bought me this beautiful diamond necklace

Lady 2: Ooo pretty

Lady 3: Well isn't that nice

Lady 2: well my husband bought me this stunning bracelet

La...

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The cat and the chicken...

There was a cat and a chicken standing on the edge of a bridge, the cat falls in the river, and the chicken starts laughing.

Whats is the moral of the storry ?

Where is a wet pussy, there will allways be a happy cock.

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a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...

immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have sex with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."

The foreman at my bridge construction site is always rushing things. But when I got the beams set ahead of schedule he didn't believe me.

Nobody expects the span is in position.

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A homeless man is walking across a bridge...

A homeless man (a particularly homeless-looking homeless man) is walking across a bridge and comes across the most beautiful woman he's ever seen standing at the edge, ready to jump off. He goes over to her and says

"Miss, you can't do this! You're so beautiful and there has to be so many g...

Three workers were having lunch on a bridge

They were each discussing what they had for lunch. Sam had a ham and cheese sandwich: “Man if my wife packs ham and cheese one more time this week I am jumping off this bridge. Tony had roast beef: “Me too man, I’m sick of roast beef. If I get this one more time this month I’m jumping off.” Carl had...

Confucius say: Man who jump off bridge in Paris

is in-Seine.

A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge

When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea

Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

The government was seeking for tenders to build a bridge

On Monday, the first contractor had a meeting with the minister.

"What's your quote?" the minister asked.

"$300 million" said the contractor.

"How do you come up with that figure?"

"Well," said the contractor, quietly, "$100 million for you, $100 million for me, and $10...

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A woman is on top of a bridge about to commit suicide

A homeless man walks up to her and tells her not to do it.

"Its too late, I've made up my mind" said the scared and shaking woman.

"Well, before you do, can we have sex first?"

Appalled the woman shouted "No!"

"Ok, then I'll just meet ya down at the bottom".

A black dude and a white dude are peeing from a bridge over a river

White dude goes :_"That wind is a tad chilly"
Black dude goes: _"Yeah that water too"

My son made this up. The Dad Joke is strong with this one...

Son: What does Darth Vader use to get to the bridge of his ship?

Me: No clue, son

Son: An ele-Vader, ha!

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a guy gets pulled over at the end of a bridge for speeding

The police officer walks up to his car and says "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The driver, rudely says "No officer - but I'm sure you're aware, so why don't you enlighten both of us?"

The police officer, recognizing the driver's attitude, attempts to take him down a notch. "Wh...

David's life was at a low point.

Seeing no way out, he walked out on a bridge, intending to end it all by leaping off. A woman, driving by in her car, sees David hesitating unsteadily on the wrong side of the railing and realizes what's going on. She stops her car and dashes over, hoping to talk him out of suicide.

"Wait!" s...

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A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"

She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die."

So she climbs do...

I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins.

It was very civil engineering.

A blonde boy, and brunette boy, and a redhead were talking one day about swimming.

The brunette boy says, "My dad was so rough on me. He used to take me to the local pool and make me swim laps for four hours a day! I nearly drowned a couple times!"

The blonde boy replies, "You learned to swim in a pool!? My dad just rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me over the...

A bus with 24 people was crossing the San Francisco bridge; when they reached the other side, not a single person was left. What happened to the people ?

They were all married.

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The King and the Fucker on the bridge

Once upon a time there lived a king who wanted to test the loyalty of his subjects. He raised heavy taxes on his people and demanded high rent for the land.

There were no complaints. None.

The king summoned one of his officers and instructed him to collect one gold coin from everyone p...

“If your friends jumped off a bridge would you”

Was probably not the best way to break the ice in group therapy

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A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?

The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calc...

A guy drives by a bridge and was stopped by a police...

Police: Congratulations sir! You are the millionth car to drive by this bridge since its opening. Here is your lucky reward of $10,000.

A reporter in stand-by rushed in to interview the lucky driver.

Reporter: Congratulations on your win! Can you tell me how do you feel now, and what w...

What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?

A civil engineer

Genie: You have one wish

Guy: I've always wanted to go to England, but I've always been too scared to fly. I think I would like a bridge from America to England.

Genie: That's pretty hard. I dont know if I can do it. Can you choose something else?

Guy: I've always wanted to be able to understand women.

...

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You can build a thousand bridges and not be a bridge builder.

But you suck one cock and your a cocksucker for life.

( I’m new here if this has been said before or recently sorry)

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Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery

The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!"

A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!"

Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a sp...

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Instead of building walls we should be building bridges...

to Canada. Let them deal with this shit.

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An American woman is standing on a bridge preparing to commit suicide when a local sailor approaches her.

The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.


The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a...

A knight walks up to a peasant on a bridge

The peasent happily hums to himself "twenty-six... twenty-six... twenty-six".

The knight asks the peasant what's he humming about and he calmly answers that the knight should look down the bridge to find out. So the knight bends over the bridge, looks into the water, just as the peasant kicks...

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

What do you call a green bat that walks across a yellow bridge?

I don’t know, but at least it isn’t a repost

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Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge

A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine...

"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."

"Genoa?"

"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."

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Rihanna, Usher and Justin Bieber were walking over a bridge..........

Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the railings.


Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and fucks her senseless.


He stands back and tells Justin, "Your turn!"


Justin burst out into tears.


"Whats wrong?", asks Usher.

...

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Boudreaux lived down by the river in deep Louisiana.

On the other side of the river lived a guy named Clarence.

Boudreaux hated Clarence and Clarence hated Boudreaux. Every day since they were small children, they'd go down to their river banks and yell at each other across the river. They never really met each other because neither one could s...

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the bridge ?

Taquilla.

Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?

Ah well, we won't go over it then.

An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.

"Hmm, Yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
<...

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Three men are crossing a bridge

A black man, an Asian man, and a Jew are crossing a bridge. Right under the bridge, a troll pops out and tells them, "You may only cross this bridge if your combined penis lengths are at least 17 inches."

So the black man pulls it out and it's 9 inches.

The Jew is 6 inches.

The ...

Why can't US Presidents play bridge together?

Because Donald gets confused whenever someone makes a bid of No Trumps.

An American, a Russian and a Mexican are standing on a bridge

The Russian pulls out a bottle of vodka, takes one swig and throws it off the bridge. The Mexican looks at him stunned and says " Hey man, that was a perfectly good bottle, what gives, homes?" To which the russian replies " Theres too much of this where I come from" The mexican proceeds to pull out ...

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So a man walks into a bar, and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:

"You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock builder"? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scorching weather, but do they call me "McGregor ...

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

Tomorrow, I am finally fulfilling my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person, and I’ve no idea what I’ll do when I finally see it.

I think I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

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Redneck Letter

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansa...

My dad told me he put a draw bridge at our house.

Turns out, he installed the garage door upside down.

Three bridge security guards are sitting down to eat lunch...

The unpack their lunches. The first one has a bologna sandwich, the second has a PB&J sandwich, and the third has a ham and cheese sandwich. The next day, they have the same sandwiches again. This continues for many days until one day they are sick of it. They decide that if they don't get somet...

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming...

Anyone can build a bridge that stands, but you need an Engineer if...

... you want one that just barely stands.

When I was in Paris I got rip-roaring drunk and fell off a bridge into the river

It was in Seine

A trucker gets lost one day and as luck would have it, he comes to low bridge and gets stuck under it...cars are backed up for miles behind him....

Eventually, a cop car pulls up, the officer gets out and walks up, laughing hysterically and pointing at the trucker.

He puts his hands on his hips and says with a chuckle, "Got stuck, eh?"

The trucker replies, "No sir, not at all, you see, I was delivering this bridge when I ran out o...

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