Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump!

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I...

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

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How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner

What’s the difference between the London bridge and the Eiffel Tower?

You gotta lock hands and lean in.

Three redneck friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two were in the back.

They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

I once heard a joke about a collapsing bridge

still can't get over it

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NSFW: you could build a thousand bridges, but you will never be called a bridge builder

But suck just one cock...

A man crossing London Bridge sees a pretty woman struggling to keep her mini skirt down in the wind so he says : A bit airy isn't it?

She replied: What the ell you expect feathers?

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So John is driving across a long bridge. He's in a hurry and exceeding the speed limit. As he approached the end of the bridge there is a state trooper with a radar gun. John gets pulled over. The trooper comes to his window and says, you were 15 over. John replies, I'm a doctor and I have a patient

That desperately needs my help. Last month I helped him stretch his ass hole to 18 inches. 3 weeks ago I stretched it to 36 inches, two weeks ago it was 48 inches. Last week it was 60 inches. Now I'm going to stretch it to 72 inches. The trooper asks what is a 72 inch (6 foot) asshole going to do. J...

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

There's two morons sitting on a bridge, the big one falls off. The other didn't...

He was a little moron


-Stephen King

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A guy was standing on the edge of Golden gate bridge...

... contemplating suicide. Out of nowhere comes out Santa and asks the guy:

Ho ho ho, whats the matter son?

Guy replies:

It's too much for me. This life isn't worth living for...

S:

Well, son, tell me what's wrong, I'm Santa i make wishes come true.

G:
...

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Civil Engineer: Lets build a bridge!

Rude Engineer: Fuck you!

What do you call a horse that's fallen of a bridge?

Dead.

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

IF You jumped off the bridge in Paris you'd be..

in seine

Two guys go bungee jumping on a bridge in Mexico

The first guy gets his gear all on and steps up to jump, he jumps down and comes back up, and his face is bloody?...
So down and up again and his face is even more bloody...
down and up again and his face is swollen, bloody and bruised so his friend grabs him and say “are you okay what happe...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?

Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.

Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

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What do you call a bisexual trying to get over a bridge?

A bi-pass

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3 Ugly Dudes

3 ugly guys were sick and tired of being ugly so they went to see a witch and ask for her advice.

The witch instructs the three to go to one specific bridge, jump off of it and while falling, yell how they want to look like. They could even simply name any celebrity and look like them.
...

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Three kids needed to cross over a deep valley to get back home, but the bridge they had used was now completely broken.

Taking notice to the kids' troubling situation, a magical being appeared with an offer:

"You will be transformed into the next word you speak."

Very confused, the first kid said, "Bird?". To his astonishment, he transformed into a beautiful bird and flew across the river.

"Butt...

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A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, w...

One day I was walking across a bridge when I saw a man preparing to jump off

I immediately shouted to him, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why not?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well... are you religious or not?"

"I am!"

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Ca...

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons...

“My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”


“That’s ver...

Why doesn't Nancy Pelosi make a good bridge partner?

She always bids no trump.

A man is riding a motorcycle down Pacific Coast Highway, living the dream, when all of a sudden the clouds start to form...

...he pulls over. Out of nowhere he hears a booming voice from above: "My son, you have lived a life of virtue, one that I would be proud of, ask me of anything and I will grant it."

Astounded the man thinks for a minute then says: "Well I wish that I could ride my bike to Hawaii. I wish ther...

What language do bridges speak?

Span-ish.

If an aeroplane is transporting 100 bricks, and one falls out, how many bricks are left?

Ninety nine.

-

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?

1. Open the door
2. Put the elephant in
3. Close the door

-

What are the four steps to putting a horse in the fridge?

1. Open the door
2. Take the elephant out
...

Jumping from the bridge...

Bikers were riding west on I-70 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby....

A billionaire gets an idea to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii

He approaches a civil engineer to design this massive bridge for him.

The engineer tells him, “Look, this isn’t a matter of money, it simply can’t be done. The Pacific Ocean is too deep, no concrete beam could support the pressure of the depths, let alone the thousands that would be needed to...

Broken bridges really annoy me...

I just can't get over them.

Why should you never play bridge, whist, and similar card games with a Democrat?

They get rid of their Trump cards.

I recently saw a documentary about bridges.

It was the most suspenseful documentary I have seen.

I don't know how to sing "London Bridge is Falling Down"

but I'm gonna take a stab at it.

Why don't they build bridges out of red peppers?

Because they would collapsacum...

Captain Hook and Smee are talking on the bridge

CH: arrrgh I miss Vine, twas me fav'rit app

S: But Cap'n there's a new app! It's not exactly the same but very similar.

CH: What's it called?

S: ummm

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A grandma decides to end her long prosperous life early by jumping from a bridge

A man approaches while she readies herself to jump.

The man asks: "Excuse me, if you commit suicide, could we have Sex now? I mean you will die soon anyways".

The grandma is shocked and says: "Hell no. What do you think who I am you pervert?"

The starts walking away and tells th...

a good joke and a bad joke are walking along

they come to a bridge, and the bad joke pushes the good joke off.

Man, what a bad joke

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A beautiful girl is standing on the edge of a bridge

A beautiful girl is standing on the edge of a bridge about to jump off when a homeless comes up and asks if he could have sex with her before she jumps. She looks at him in disgust and swears him off. The man replied" that's fine I'll just wait for you down there"

A stunnigly attractive Woman is standing on a bridge...

...obviously ready to jump and ending her life. A young man driving past with his bike thinking "wow" and asks loudly: "hey there beautiful, you think I can come up and we make out?"
The woman disgusted by the young man's proposal screams: "Eeew no way!!!"
The young man with a winner's smile ...

What’s the most most dangerous bridge in the world

The bridge named chuck Norris because nobody crosses it and lives

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.

He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.

"Why did you stop me you old fool?"

"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old man exclaims with a ...

A man standing on a bridge

There was a man standing on a bridge and shouting: “ 13! 13! 13!” So another man went to him and asked: “ Why are you shouting the number 13?” The man pushed him off the bridge into the river, and started shouting: “14! 14! 14!”

Why do people never do themselves what they want others to do? BUILD BRIDGES NOT WALLS!!!

No u.

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge, when suddenly a bald old woman appears.

"I am the witch who guards this bridge. Ye may only pass if you present to me a challenge which I cannot do."

The Englishman steps up first:

"I was the best footballer in my h...

An old man is riding his Harley through California,

As he was riding, he saw a shiny object on the side of the road. The old man pulled over, picked it up, dusted it off and discovered it was a genie lamp. He rubbed the lamp and the genie appeared.

"You have freed me from the bottle, so I shall grant you one wish. Name your wish!" Stated the G...

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You see that dock out there?

Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock-builder"? No!

You see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scoarching weather, but do they call me "McGregor the bridge-builder"? No!...

What did the bridge say to the nervous iron worker?

Truss me.

I live under a 4 million dollar roof.

Bridges sure are expensive.

A Man Finds a Lamp...

A man is on a walj when he comes across as lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out.

The genie tells the man he will grant him 3 wishes.

The man thinks long and hard and declares "I want to live a long and healthy life."

The genie immediately scans the man's body, eliminatin...

This Fall, I’m finally going to fulfill my lifelong dream of visiting San Francisco and seeing The Golden Gate in person.

My wife said, “What will you do when you finally see it?”

Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.

What did Gandalf say when an onion tried to cross the bridge?

You shallot pass!

Three blondes are stuck on an island

While fishing they caugh a golden fish which promised them each one a single wish.

First blonde's wish is to be smart. Her hair change color. As a brunete she jump into the water and swim across the water to the mainland.

The second blonde wishes to be even smarter. Her hair change col...

I haven't told my wife that I'm an objectophilic pyromaniac...

.. but I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.

What's the last thing that goes through a bridge jumpers' mind after they jump?

Their tibias

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A man walks into a bar...

The bartender looks over at him and notices he’s looking pretty down. Curious, he walks over and nudges him.

“Hey man, what’s wrong? You look upset.”

The man doesn’t answer at first, but after enough prodding, he finally sighs and looks up.

“You know, I’ve built hundreds of brid...

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a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...

immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have sex with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."

I have a multi million dollar home that took years to construct.

I live under a bridge.

What is your go to never fail joke for parties?

I assume that this will become nsfw, but we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.

What do you get if you cross a bridge with a bicycle?

You get across the bridge faster than if you'd walked.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine Learning algorithm: yes.

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A homeless man is walking across a bridge...

A homeless man (a particularly homeless-looking homeless man) is walking across a bridge and comes across the most beautiful woman he's ever seen standing at the edge, ready to jump off. He goes over to her and says

"Miss, you can't do this! You're so beautiful and there has to be so many g...

Why was the superconductor sleeping under a bridge?

Because it's Ohmless.

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A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"

She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die."

So she climbs do...

3 blondes are lost in the desert

They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.

Luckily, a genie just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."

The first blonde wished she was an excellen...

A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge

When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."

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A man with one arm

A man was jn a car accident causing him to lose an arm. After some depressing weeks the man goes to a high bridge to end his suffering.
While standing on the bridge’s edge the man observed a miraculous sight below, someone with NO arms. The armless man is jumping up and down in joy.
The one ...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

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a guy gets pulled over at the end of a bridge for speeding

The police officer walks up to his car and says "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The driver, rudely says "No officer - but I'm sure you're aware, so why don't you enlighten both of us?"

The police officer, recognizing the driver's attitude, attempts to take him down a notch. "Wh...

Wish Granted by Genie

A middle aged man was walking along the beach one day, when he stumbles and discovers a small brass lamp. Rubbing it, a genie appears and offers to grant him just one wish.

After careful thought, the man says, "All of my life, I have wanted to visit Hawaii. But I am deathly afraid of flying a...

The foreman at my bridge construction site is always rushing things. But when I got the beams set ahead of schedule he didn't believe me.

Nobody expects the span is in position.

Ole and Sven are fishing near a bridge.

They had been there for a while with bites. Then a funeral precession starts to go over the bridge. Ole stands up and takes off his hat until it passes.

"Wow Ole I didn't know you had so much respect for the dead." Sven says.

"Well I should. I was married to her for 30 years."

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A woman is on top of a bridge about to commit suicide

A homeless man walks up to her and tells her not to do it.

"Its too late, I've made up my mind" said the scared and shaking woman.

"Well, before you do, can we have sex first?"

Appalled the woman shouted "No!"

"Ok, then I'll just meet ya down at the bottom".

ME [a detective]: The victim has 2 puncture wounds on his neck. He was obviously bitten by a vampire.

######OTHER DETECTIVE [Holding up bloody BBQ fork]:
I think he was stabbed with this.

**ME [Pinching bridge of nose]:** Gary… why would a vampire use a BBQ fork?

3 blondes were walking on a bridge...

The 1st one saw a rock on the ground and tripped on it, falling on the ground, the 2nd blonde saw the 1st one trip on the rock and she tripped on the 1st blonde, the 3rd blonde to avoid tripping, jumped off the bridge

Three workers were having lunch on a bridge

They were each discussing what they had for lunch. Sam had a ham and cheese sandwich: “Man if my wife packs ham and cheese one more time this week I am jumping off this bridge. Tony had roast beef: “Me too man, I’m sick of roast beef. If I get this one more time this month I’m jumping off.” Carl had...

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Rihanna, Usher and Justin Bieber were walking over a bridge..........

Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the railings.


Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and fucks her senseless.


He stands back and tells Justin, "Your turn!"


Justin burst out into tears.


"Whats wrong?", asks Usher.

...

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Fritz and his grandpa Hans sit atop a hill overlooking their cozy little village.

Hans points at one of the houses and says "See that house over there? I built that. But do the people of our village call me 'Hans the house builder'? No."

Then he points at a bridge crossing a small stream and says "And see that bridge over there? I built that as well. But do the people of o...

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An American woman is standing on a bridge preparing to commit suicide when a local sailor approaches her.

The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.


The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a...

What do you call a green bat that walks across a yellow bridge?

I don’t know, but at least it isn’t a repost

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea

Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

A bus with 24 people was crossing the San Francisco bridge; when they reached the other side, not a single person was left. What happened to the people ?

They were all married.

The government was seeking for tenders to build a bridge

On Monday, the first contractor had a meeting with the minister.

"What's your quote?" the minister asked.

"$300 million" said the contractor.

"How do you come up with that figure?"

"Well," said the contractor, quietly, "$100 million for you, $100 million for me, and $10...

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Jenny gets her first period

Jenny gets her first period in the middle of class. Flustered and thinking her parents would be the best to tell her, the teacher sends her home.

While walking across a bridge crying, she comes across a boy who has skipped school.

Curious, he asks why she's crying.

"Oh, Johnny, ...

Confucius say: Man who jump off bridge in Paris

is in-Seine.

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Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge

A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine...

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Dear Jebediah

Dear Jebediah,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here t...

I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins.

It was very civil engineering.

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The King and the Fucker on the bridge

Once upon a time there lived a king who wanted to test the loyalty of his subjects. He raised heavy taxes on his people and demanded high rent for the land.

There were no complaints. None.

The king summoned one of his officers and instructed him to collect one gold coin from everyone p...

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

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Instead of building walls we should be building bridges...

to Canada. Let them deal with this shit.

A priest was standing on the side of the road, holding a sign that said, "The end is near! Turn around before it's too late!"

A man drove up to the priest in his car, rolled down his window, and said, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" He rolled the window back up and drove off in anger.

The priest thought to himself, "I knew my sign should have just said 'Bridge Out'."

A young man, a middle aged man and an old man are sitting in a car.

They are stopped at a bridge by a police officer. “Congratulatians, you are the millionth person to cross this bridge! You win €1000.” Says the police officer. The young man (who is behind the wheel) responds: “Nice! I can finaly get my drivers licence now!” “Don’t mind him he is drunk.” Says the m...

First Time at the Barber

I had never been to an actual barber before yesterday, I've grown my hair and beard out for the past several years for a few reasons, but mostly because up until a couple weeks ago I've been too poor to afford regular haircuts. I string enough jobs together working out of a labor pool to get by,...

"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."

"Genoa?"

"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."

What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?

A civil engineer

A guy drives by a bridge and was stopped by a police...

Police: Congratulations sir! You are the millionth car to drive by this bridge since its opening. Here is your lucky reward of $10,000.

A reporter in stand-by rushed in to interview the lucky driver.

Reporter: Congratulations on your win! Can you tell me how do you feel now, and what w...

2 "walks into a bar" jokes

1. So A dislexic kid walks into a bra...

2. A peice of rope walks into a bar, the bartender says "we dont serve your kind here". The rope walks out of the bar and unties the knot on his head, he walks back in and the bartender asks, "are you the same rope that was in here a minute ago?" And...

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