UPJOKE
cardiganshirtjumperblouseturtleneckpullovert-shirtjacketsweatshirtwaistcoatjeansnecktiehoodienecklinecoat

I got a sweater on my birthday

I would have preferred a moaner or screamer.

My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters...

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk"

What do you call an American rapper who wears an open-fronted knitted sweater?

Cardi Gan

If you see a habanero on your doorstep, put a sweater on

...it's a little chili outside

The sweater my wife gave me for Xmas was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

Last christmas Santa got me a sweater.

This year I’ve asked for a screamer instead.

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Good old Johnny Boy

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”...

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

What’s the difference between a jumper and a sweater?

A sweater doesn’t go splat after falling 40 stories...

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This old man is playing cards and keeps on winning...

He always seems to have an Ace of Spades.

The people around ask, "How is that happening?"

He replies, "I'm wearing my lucky sweater. My wife knitted it for me."

A few plays later, and still, he keeps winning.

Now, everyone accuses him of cheating.

"What's up your s...

The cashmere sweater story

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Last night my wife crawled into bed with me and told me she'd do anything for a new cashmere sweater," the guy says. "So I asked, 'Anything?' nudge nudge wink wink, and she replied "ANYTHING!'" "Wow!" the bartender replies. "What did you do?" "I told her to...

My Girlfriend got both our dogs sweaters...

Shes’s always loved doggy-style

A man walks into a monastery where the monks practice a regimen of strict silence.

Wishing to join their ranks, he agrees to the rules: silence is paramount, and it is forbidden to utter even a single unnecessary word.

After five years of utter silence, the man raises his hand at lunch, signaling for permission to speak. Permission is granted, and he says two words: “I’m co...

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Waiting game

A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.

Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The ...

What did DMX say when he first wore a crew neck sweater?

Where the hood, where the hood, where the hood at?!

TIFU by unraveling my favorite sweater

Oops, wrong thread

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Golf on Christmas Morning

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll m...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

What's the difference between a jacket and a sweater?

A jacket is something to wear when you're cold.

A sweater is what you wear when your Mom is cold.

What kind of sweater do cops wear?

A pullover.

A couple friends pool their money together to get their buddy a sweater for his birthday

He was hoping for a moaner or a screamer though.

50 cent gave Eminem a really high quality sweater for xmas. EMINEM was super thankful and said to him

GEE, YOU KNIT.

Who knew.

Christmas sweater

I got another sweater for Christmas. Another goddamn sweater. Why can’t I get a moaner or a screamer?!

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

What is the police officer's favorite sweater?

Pullover

What is the difference between a sweater and a jumper?

Sweaters are hoping someone will talk them down from the ledge.

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn't have all the proper equipment...

...needle-less to say, I didn't get very far.

Three expectant mothers are sitting around a table knitting sweaters for their babies to be.

The first mother says "I'm taking folic acid, I want my baby to have a strong immune system". The other mothers nod.


The second mother says "I'm taking calcium supplements, I want my baby to have strong bones". The other mothers nod.


The third mother says "Oh, well I'm taking T...

Why don’t Painters wear sweaters?

..............................cuz they already put on two coats!

Two brothers went to their grandma's for Christmas...

The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him.

The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma"

Later that night the older brother complained to his brother, "Why does grandma love you so ...

I just bought an Adidas Christmas sweater from Mexico.

Fleece Adidas.

What did 50 Cent’s friends say when they saw him crocheting a sweater?

G...you knit?

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For her birthday, I gave my girlfriend a sweater and a dildo.

I figure if she doesn't like the sweater, she can go fuck herself.

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I’m going to give my boss a sweater and a dildo for Christmas

That way if she doesn’t like the sweater she can go fuck herself

I was upset that my mom had sewn patches onto her sweater

Patches was a great cat

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Three pregnant women knitting sweaters for their unborn kids.

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their unborn kids. The first woman says “I hope my baby is a boy, I’m using blue wool”. The second woman says “I’m hoping for a girl, my sweater is pink”. The third woman says quietly “Weeeelllll, I hope my kid is deformed..I’ve fucked up the arms!”.

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Three Woman go to Heaven

Three Women go to heaven and stand before St Peter. The first women walks up and has an "A" on her stomach. St. Peter notices this and asks the woman "Why do you have an A on your stomach?" "Well," the woman began, "every time my husband made love to me, he wore his Alabama Sweater!", St. Peter nods...

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Life is like a hand-knit sweater

You really fucking hate it, but you can’t throw it away because your mom worked really hard on it, and you don’t want to hurt her feelings.

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If the world was a giant sweater, where would all the black people live

In the hood

If your parents kept an old jacket or sweater from when you were a kid.

Would that make it your child hood?

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer ...

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

I have a coffee sweater.

I put it on over my tea shirt.

A son is visiting his mother the week after Hanukkah wearing one of the two sweaters she’d given him as a gift for the holiday.

As he walks into her house, instead of saying hello, the mother says, “What’s wrong? You didn’t like the other sweater I got you?”

[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

My friend asked if I knew what kind of sweater he was wearing.

I said I had no idea, he said "Guess."

"Hollister?"

"No. Guess."

"North face?"

"No... Guess"

I sill don't know.

I was asked to bring an ugly sweater to a Christmas party.

But my ex-wife already had plans.

My technique with women is, I sneak up behind them and scream obscenities in their ear — when they turn round I’m wearing a nice sweater and holding a kitten.

I call it ‘Shock and Awwww!’

What did the magician say when his girlfriend was taking too long shopping for sweaters?

"Pick a cardigan. ANY CARDIGAN."

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

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What do Jews and sweaters have in common?

They´re easier to find in 36 than 42

A Woman is in an exclusive pet store looking to buy a sweater for her dog.

After witnessing much hemming and hawing and the scrutinizing of the size of each item, the salesperson finally pipes in. “Why don’t you bring the dog in for a fitting?” He says.
“I can’t do that,” the customer says. “The sweater is a surprise.”

Life is like a christmas sweater

I want to get rid of it but that would just make my grandma sad

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Yoghurt

On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater."


She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt..."


I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."

A boy is asking santa for a heavy sweater for christmas present

so santa send him a sumo wrestler

What's a traffic cop's favorite kind of sweater?

A pull over.

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My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

How do computers make sweaters?

On the interknit.

I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater.

I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.

Sweater Weather

David's mother gave him two sweaters for his birthday. The next time he visited his mother, he made sure to wear one of them. But as he entered her house, instead of the expected smile, he was greeted with, “What, you didn't like the other one?”

I have two sweaters. One made in Pakistan, the other in India.

They're both Cashmere.

did you know it takes 3 sheep to make a wool sweater?

It's amazing. I didn't even know they could knit!

waaaaaaka waka.

I was on my lunch break at the job site, and we were all complaining about how our boss still owed us for the last job. I overheard one of the old carpenters on his cell phone....

"$1000? Sure honey, if you like it so much, then buy the coat"

I thought, "how can this old guy afford a $1000 coat for his wife? We aren't even getting paid."

He continued, "The new BMW? Well, if you must have it, darling, make sure you get it fully loaded. $125,000? That's fine."...

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Unfortunate

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up...

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Doctor is giving a physical exam to a lady

he asks her to remove her shirt, when he then noticed she had a bruise in the shape of the letter "H" on her chest.

When he asked about it, she said that her boyfriend attends Harvard, and that he's so proud of it that he never takes off his school sweater, even when they have sex.

So ...

One day in October, Humpty Dumpty went to the clothes store...

He picks out a nice sweater, a couple pair of socks, a coat, etc. He pays for them and leaves. He heads out and goes to get groceries, and buys milk, eggs, tuna fish, matches, and a single pumpkin. On his way home now, he sees a stray cat in the cold. Feeling charitable, he offers it some tuna fish,...

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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

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Little Johnny was in school one day and his teacher was doing a vocabulary exercise.

She asked the class "Okay, can anyone give me a sentence using the word dog?" well little Johnny's hand bolts straight up in the air and she knows he has something dirty to say. she decides to call on another student who also has his hand raised. "My dog sleeps in my bed!"

"good job!" says t...

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

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I know this might make me sound big headed

But I can’t get my fucking sweater off!

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