[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.

I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

How do you get a free sweater?

You jacket.

My best friend's mum passed away recently.

A month before his birthday too so that blew. On his birthday his dad asks me if I could help make a present which might remind him of his mum.
I was a bit apprehensive but I agreed. All I had to do was being a can of crushed tomatoes and some flour.


On his birthday, during the small ...

What's the difference between a jacket and a sweater?

A jacket is something to wear when you're cold.

A sweater is what you wear when your Mom is cold.

50 cent gave Eminem a really high quality sweater for xmas. EMINEM was super thankful and said to him

GEE, YOU KNIT.

Who knew.

I was upset that my mom had sewn patches onto her sweater

Patches was a great cat

TIFU by unraveling my favorite sweater

Oops, wrong thread

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

A couple friends pool their money together to get their buddy a sweater for his birthday

He was hoping for a moaner or a screamer though.

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I’m going to give my boss a sweater and a dildo for Christmas

That way if she doesn’t like the sweater she can go fuck herself

Christmas sweater

I got another sweater for Christmas. Another goddamn sweater. Why can’t I get a moaner or a screamer?!

My girlfriend is always wearing my t-shirts and sweaters.

But if I wear one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

What is the difference between a sweater and a jumper?

Sweaters are hoping someone will talk them down from the ledge.

An American couple visits India for the first time

As they are wandering around in the markets the wife notices a sign that she finds extremely aesthetic. She proceeds to draw it out and once they return to the US, She knits a sweater with that design on the front.

The days go by and all her friends find the sweater very pretty and very ethni...

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

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Three pregnant women knitting sweaters for their unborn kids.

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their unborn kids. The first woman says “I hope my baby is a boy, I’m using blue wool”. The second woman says “I’m hoping for a girl, my sweater is pink”. The third woman says quietly “Weeeelllll, I hope my kid is deformed..I’ve fucked up the arms!”.

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines." said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offere...

What did 50 Cent's grandmother's say when he handed her a homemade sweater?

Gee, you knit?

Why was the Jalapeño wearing a sweater?

Because he was a little chili

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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Trip to the Doc

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said "Where are you going?"

I'm going to the doctor.

Why, are you sick?

No" , "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker
and was putting o...

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A teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The
teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Johnny before. She
finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word 'fascinate', so
she called on him. Johnny said, "My
Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her boobs are so big...

Why don’t Painters wear sweaters?

..............................cuz they already put on two coats!

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Yoghurt

On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater."


She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt..."


I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."

There are many kinds of vests that protect you..

Life vests protect you from drowning.
Bullet proof vests protect you from getting shot.
Reflective vests protect you from getting hit when you are near a road.
And sweater vests protect you from women.

I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn't have all the proper equipment...

...needle-less to say, I didn't get very far.

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Life is like a hand-knit sweater

You really fucking hate it, but you can’t throw it away because your mom worked really hard on it, and you don’t want to hurt her feelings.

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

What is the police officer's favorite sweater?

Pullover

What kind of sweater do cops wear?

A pullover.

Three expectant mothers are sitting around a table knitting sweaters for their babies to be.

The first mother says "I'm taking folic acid, I want my baby to have a strong immune system". The other mothers nod.


The second mother says "I'm taking calcium supplements, I want my baby to have strong bones". The other mothers nod.


The third mother says "Oh, well I'm taking T...

A son is visiting his mother the week after Hanukkah wearing one of the two sweaters she’d given him as a gift for the holiday.

As he walks into her house, instead of saying hello, the mother says, “What’s wrong? You didn’t like the other sweater I got you?”

Eminem is the first celebrity to be diagnosed with the corona virus

In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti

If your parents kept an old jacket or sweater from when you were a kid.

Would that make it your child hood?

Why did the man put a sweater on his hot dog?

Because it was a chili dog

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Little Johnny Returns

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Little Molly put up her hand and said, "My father went to my grandad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word *fascinate*, not fasc...

What do you call a sweater that was blown away by the wind?

A cardi-gone.

(yes, I made this one up this morning)

Why did the jalapeno put on a sweater?

Because he was a little chile

I have a coffee sweater.

I put it on over my tea shirt.

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If the world was a giant sweater, where would all the black people live

In the hood

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...

This year for Christmas I want a squirter

Eminem is the first celebrity to get the Wuhan Virus.

A statement from his manager says that Eminem admitted himself to the emergency department because his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Doctors say he presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was moms spaghetti. Mathers said that he was "nervous"...

What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

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Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office, knitting to pass the time.

The first one pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and take one. The other two ask what it was.

She says, "Calcium. Strong bones for baby and mommy!"

Satisfied, they all return to their knitting.

A few minutes later, the second one pulls out a bottle of pills and takes one. ...

I was asked to bring an ugly sweater to a Christmas party.

But my ex-wife already had plans.

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What do Jews and sweaters have in common?

They´re easier to find in 36 than 42

What did the magician say when his girlfriend was taking too long shopping for sweaters?

"Pick a cardigan. ANY CARDIGAN."

Why do bears have a fur coat

Because they would look silly in a sweater (I got that from my grandpa)

[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

How do i give my cat a pill?

Grab your cat and place it around your arm as if you were holding a baby. Place your right index finger and thumb on both sides of the cat's mouth and gently apply some pressure while holding the pill in the other hand. As soon as your cat opens the mouth, throw the pill in and give the cat the oppo...

My friend asked if I knew what kind of sweater he was wearing.

I said I had no idea, he said "Guess."

"Hollister?"

"No. Guess."

"North face?"

"No... Guess"

I sill don't know.

A man went to the doctor

"Doc, I don't know why but this is killing me. Recently my throat always feel so tight, like a invisible force clutching my neck. And my nape is cold all the time. Please don't tell me these are the symptoms of a cancer..."

After a day's check, the man got his diagnosis, which reads:

"...

My technique with women is, I sneak up behind them and scream obscenities in their ear — when they turn round I’m wearing a nice sweater and holding a kitten.

I call it ‘Shock and Awwww!’

How do computers make sweaters?

On the interknit.

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer ...

Life is like a christmas sweater

I want to get rid of it but that would just make my grandma sad

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Three pregnant women...

Are sitting in the OBGYN office knitting baby sweaters.

The first woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a small pill. She states "this is folic acid, it's an important vitamin for development of my baby," then resumes her knitting.

The second woman reaches into her purse, pulls ou...

A boy is asking santa for a heavy sweater for christmas present

so santa send him a sumo wrestler

I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater.

I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.

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I‘m not an animal rights activist or something...

But i think it‘s kinda fucked up that they make sweaters out of turtles necks.

What's a traffic cop's favorite kind of sweater?

A pull over.

Blonde at the Dry Cleaners

A blonde goes to the dry cleaner to have her sweater cleaned.

She asks the clerk, “How much?”

He doesn’t hear her and says, “Come again?”

She giggles and says, “No…it’s just mustard this time.”

Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had for...

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My parents taught me well

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't stra...

Americans have a strange dialect.

It's all "sneakers" instead of "trainers"...

... and "sweater" instead of "jumper"...

... and "shooting range" instead of "high school"...

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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

I visited my girlfriends family in Mexico during the summer.

They all laughed at me for wearing a sweater to dinner.

But, my girlfriend told me it would be chili

did you know it takes 3 sheep to make a wool sweater?

It's amazing. I didn't even know they could knit!

waaaaaaka waka.

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A woman heads to the doctors office

for her usual checkup. While there, the doc notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it,
"Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sex."
The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup. While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on he...

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

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An octopus walks into a bar [NSFW]

An octopus walks into a bar and the bartender immediately turns to him and says “Hey buddy, we don’t serve your kind here! You have to leave!” The octopus, feeling disrespected, retorts. “Well why not? I can do anything any of you can do!”

The bartender looks at him, discontent. “Really? Well...

A woman walks into her dermatologist’s office

and says "Doctor, I have this terrible rash." She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large H-shaped rash.

The doctor replies, "Now, that is the strangest rash I've ever seen."

The woman explains, "Well, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we mak...

My mother was feeling cold

so now I'm wearing a sweater.

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