I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn't have all the proper equipment...

...needle-less to say, I didn't get very far.

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Life is like a hand-knit sweater

You really fucking hate it, but you can’t throw it away because your mom worked really hard on it, and you don’t want to hurt her feelings.

If your parents kept an old jacket or sweater from when you were a kid.

Would that make it your child hood?

My wife is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...

But when I take one of her dresses, suddenly, it's, "We need to talk!"

What did 50 Cent's grandmother's say when he handed her a homemade sweater?

Gee, you knit?

Me: Doctor Doctor, whenever I wear this sweater I can't move my neck at fast speeds...

Doctor: It's turtleneck.

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

What is the police officer's favorite sweater?

Pullover

I got a sweater for my birthday!

I really wanted a moaner...

A son is visiting his mother the week after Hanukkah wearing one of the two sweaters she’d given him as a gift for the holiday.

As he walks into her house, instead of saying hello, the mother says, “What’s wrong? You didn’t like the other sweater I got you?”

What’s Theon Greyjoy’s favorite kind of sweater?

The U-neck

wooohooo!! For the first time ever, I won the ugly sweater competition at my work..

Just that, i wore my best sweater from my closet to work without knowing today was the event!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...

This year for Christmas I want a squirter

What kind of sweater do cops wear?

A pullover.

Why did the man put a sweater on his hot dog?

Because it was a chili dog

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Three expectant mothers are sitting around a table knitting sweaters for their babies to be.

The first mother says "I'm taking folic acid, I want my baby to have a strong immune system". The other mothers nod.


The second mother says "I'm taking calcium supplements, I want my baby to have strong bones". The other mothers nod.


The third mother says "Oh, well I'm taking T...

What do you call a sweater that was blown away by the wind?

A cardi-gone.

(yes, I made this one up this morning)

I have a coffee sweater.

I put it on over my tea shirt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do Jews and sweaters have in common?

They´re easier to find in 36 than 42

I was asked to bring an ugly sweater to a Christmas party.

But my ex-wife already had plans.

A Woman is in an exclusive pet store looking to buy a sweater for her dog.

After witnessing much hemming and hawing and the scrutinizing of the size of each item, the salesperson finally pipes in. “Why don’t you bring the dog in for a fitting?” He says.
“I can’t do that,” the customer says. “The sweater is a surprise.”

What did the magician say when his girlfriend was taking too long shopping for sweaters?

"Pick a cardigan. ANY CARDIGAN."

Why did the jalapeno put on a sweater?

Because he was a little chile

[Nsfw] I got a sweater for Christmas...

I wish I had gotten a screamer or a moaner.

I just found out that my sweater was made by indonesian slave children

And i must say they did a wonderful job

All my friends clubbed together and got me a sweater

I would've preferred a moaner or a screamer, but you can't have it all

[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

How do computers make sweaters?

On the interknit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies at the OB/GYN waiting room.

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies at the OB/GYN waiting room.
The first one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I'm taking a folate pill."
The second one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If the world was a giant sweater, where would all the black people live

In the hood

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already...

Woman: Did you just quote Eminem?

Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!

Life is like a christmas sweater

I want to get rid of it but that would just make my grandma sad

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny

One day in a school room:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to...

My friend asked if I knew what kind of sweater he was wearing.

I said I had no idea, he said "Guess."

"Hollister?"

"No. Guess."

"North face?"

"No... Guess"

I sill don't know.

A physicist walks into a clothing store looking for a new sweater

He tries one on in the dressing room, likes how it looks and feels, and takes it off. Upon trying to leave the dressing room, the door handle shocks him. Outraged, the man goes to customer service and asks, "Why are you charging me for trying on a sweater?!"

What do you call those things that get fluff off a sweater?

Women

My technique with women is, I sneak up behind them and scream obscenities in their ear — when they turn round I’m wearing a nice sweater and holding a kitten.

I call it ‘Shock and Awwww!’

A boy is asking santa for a heavy sweater for christmas present

so santa send him a sumo wrestler

I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater.

I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.

Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had for...

What's a traffic cop's favorite kind of sweater?

A pull over.

did you know it takes 3 sheep to make a wool sweater?

It's amazing. I didn't even know they could knit!

waaaaaaka waka.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An actor, a businessman and a redneck

An actor, a businessman and a redneck are sitting in a bar on Christmas eve. The actor says, "I got my wife the perfect gift. A dress and a diamond necklace. That way if she doesn't like dress she has a diamond necklace."

The business man says, "I got my wife a new sweater and a ring. That wa...

I’m no peta guy or anything

but I do think it’s pretty messed up that they make sweaters out of turtle necks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Recently Married Men

Are on a plane in route to their honeymoon.

George turns to John and says "Hey baby. You wanna have sex right here in our seats?"

"What?! Are you crazy? There are hundreds of people on this plane!" Says John

George replies "Don't be so uptight. No one is paying a bit of attenti...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parents taught me well

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't stra...

Twins Timmy and Tommy wake up Christmas morning and discover they each have three presents.

Timmy opens his first present, its a brand new PS4 with games.

Tommy opens his first present, and its an old, worn out sweater.

Timmy opens his second present, and its a brand new Flat Screen TV.

Tommy opens his second present and its an old, broken down tube TV.

Timm...

My mother was feeling cold

so now I'm wearing a sweater.

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An octopus walks into a bar [NSFW]

An octopus walks into a bar and the bartender immediately turns to him and says “Hey buddy, we don’t serve your kind here! You have to leave!” The octopus, feeling disrespected, retorts. “Well why not? I can do anything any of you can do!”

The bartender looks at him, discontent. “Really? Well...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One morning a doctor is examining a young woman

As she takes her blouse off the doctor notices that there is a large "H" imprinted on her chest. The doctor asks about it and the young woman replies "my boyfriend is a graduate of Harvard. He's so proud of that fact that he never takes his college sweater off, even when we have sex."

The nex...

There is new term for waking up in prison, covered in various bodily fluids

Cosby sweater

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Old Man and his Wife

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

A woman and her husband are eating at a Chinese restaurant.

The woman loves how artistic the Chinese language looks written, so she takes home a menu and chooses her favorite symbols and knits a sweater with said symbols on the front.

A few months later her and her husband are invited to his company's party. She decides this is the perfect time to wea...

A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas.

She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The filler clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Johnny was at school

Johnny was at school and the teacher said,
"Someone use fascinate in a sentence."
Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating."
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence."
Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the te...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl enters a bar and starts complaining how terrible her life is

She comes up to the counter and orders a beer. Then she starts sobbing saying life is terrible. The bartender asks "what's wrong?". So she says "My favorite sweater was destroyed in the washing machine today. I loved that sweater".

The guy next to her goes "Hey that's not so bad. I crashed ...

The starship Enterprise is about to face annihilation from a superior ship, but Picard comes up with a cunning plan.

"We'll beam Lieutenant Worf on to their ship to offer our unconditional surrender", says Picard

"But Captain", interrupts Riker, "they might not take us seriously if you send Worf. It might be wise to send Commander Troi".

"Nonsense! Put him in a wooly sweater, a wooly hat and gloves,...

Christmas Break

There are 2 boys. Timmy and Bill. They just got back from Christmas break. The first boy, Timmy, says to Bill, “I had the best Christmas ever! I got a new bike, new shoes, and a PS4 with all my favorite games on it. What’d you get Bill?” He says, “I only got a sweater.” The first boy asks, “Why?” Bi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Pregnant Women Are Sitting On A Bench

And each of them is knitting a sweater for their unborn child. The first mother digs into her purse pops a pill and says, “That was some Vitamin A, and my child will grow up to be big and strong!” The second woman also reaches into her purse – swallows a pill and exclaims, “That was Vitamin C, and m...

Blonde Joke!

Blonde walks into a dry cleaner with her sweater and asks the clerk how much it would cost to get the stain out. The clerk didn’t hear her turns to her and says come again? The blonde giggles and says no it’s just mustard this time

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men walk into a bar.

The first man looks like he hasn't had any sleep in days. His clothes are ragged and torn, and his face is clammy and unshaven. He sits down on the stool and slumps over in a groggy state.

The second man is in a similar state, but is wearing a suit. His tie is strewn over his shoulders, and h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dermatologist sees a patient with a rash

One cold April morning, a dermatologist sees a young, female patient who says she has a skin problem on her chest. He tells her to lift the shirt and sees an 'H'-shaped rash. The dermatologist had never seen any letter-shaped rashes like this before so her asks her about it.

The woman sheepi...

A Jewish man is elected president...

Soon after, he calls up his mother to tell her the good news. "Mom, did you hear, I've been elected president!" "Oh, T
That's so great to hear, darling. I'm so proud of you!"

"So," asks the man, "you'll be coming out for the inauguration, right?" "I'm not sure," says his mother, "D.C. is ...

Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska

There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours everyday, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, h...

What do you get when you cross a sheep with a porcupine?

An animal that knits its own sweaters.

What's the most nervous piece of clothing?

A Sweater!

This was my grandma's favourite joke

Jenny walks into the doctor's office for a checkup, and the doctor needs to check her heartbeat.

"Pull your sweater up real quick, and I'll use the stethoscope.

There we go, thank you. Big breaths, Jenny."


"Yeth, I know, and I'm only thixthteen!"

There are several types of vests designed to protect a person...

There's Life Vests - designed to protect a person from drowning.
There's Bullet Proof Vests - designed to protect a person from bullets.
There's High Visibility Safety Vests - designed to protect a person from getting hit while near traffic.
There's Leather Vests - designed to protect a per...

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