The sweater my wife gave me for Xmas was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

What's a cop's favorite sweater?

A pullover.

My wife started a program to support whistle blowers by knitting them sweaters.

She calls the program Snitches get Stitches

I got a sweater for Christmas...

I'd have preferred a screamer or a moaner.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

Why was Santa disappointed that he got a sweater for Christmas?

Because he wanted a squirter, or at least screamer.

What do you call someone who can easily get out of a sweater?

Hoodie-ni

What did DMX say when he first wore a crew neck sweater?

Where the hood, where the hood, where the hood at?!

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

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My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

What’s the difference between a jumper and a sweater?

A sweater doesn’t go splat after falling 40 stories...

What did 50 Cent’s friends say when they saw him crocheting a sweater?

G...you knit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

School pride

A woman goes to her doctor complaining of an odd rash on her chest in the shape of a "Y". Upon some further inquiry, the doctor discovers that the woman's husband went to Yale and likes to leave his school sweater on during sex and concludes that the fiction of the sweater is causing the reaction. T...

I was on my lunch break at the job site, and we were all complaining about how our boss still owed us for the last job. I overheard one of the old carpenters on his cell phone....

"$1000? Sure honey, if you like it so much, then buy the coat"

I thought, "how can this old guy afford a $1000 coat for his wife? We aren't even getting paid."

He continued, "The new BMW? Well, if you must have it, darling, make sure you get it fully loaded. $125,000? That's fine."...

TIFU by unraveling my favorite sweater

Oops, wrong thread

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

50 cent gave Eminem a really high quality sweater for xmas. EMINEM was super thankful and said to him

GEE, YOU KNIT.

Who knew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said to the woman in front of me on the bus...

“Excuse me ma’am, but you have some semen on your sweater.”

“Oh,” she replied, “it’s probably just yogurt.”

“I kinda doubt that,” I said, “I’m pretty sure I don’t ejaculate yogurt.”

What's the difference between a jacket and a sweater?

A jacket is something to wear when you're cold.

A sweater is what you wear when your Mom is cold.

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

My girlfriend is always wearing my t-shirts and sweaters.

But if I wear one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

Why was the Jalapeño wearing a sweater?

Because he was a little chili

I just bought an Adidas Christmas sweater from Mexico.

Fleece Adidas.

I was upset that my mom had sewn patches onto her sweater

Patches was a great cat

A couple friends pool their money together to get their buddy a sweater for his birthday

He was hoping for a moaner or a screamer though.

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

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I’m going to give my boss a sweater and a dildo for Christmas

That way if she doesn’t like the sweater she can go fuck herself

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I know this might make me sound big headed

But I can’t get my fucking sweater off!

What is the difference between a sweater and a jumper?

Sweaters are hoping someone will talk them down from the ledge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three pregnant women knitting sweaters for their unborn kids.

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their unborn kids. The first woman says “I hope my baby is a boy, I’m using blue wool”. The second woman says “I’m hoping for a girl, my sweater is pink”. The third woman says quietly “Weeeelllll, I hope my kid is deformed..I’ve fucked up the arms!”.

What did 50 Cent's grandmother's say when he handed her a homemade sweater?

Gee, you knit?

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Doctor is giving a physical exam to a lady

he asks her to remove her shirt, when he then noticed she had a bruise in the shape of the letter "H" on her chest.

When he asked about it, she said that her boyfriend attends Harvard, and that he's so proud of it that he never takes off his school sweater, even when they have sex.

So ...

My best friend's mum passed away recently.

A month before his birthday too so that blew. On his birthday his dad asks me if I could help make a present which might remind him of his mum.
I was a bit apprehensive but I agreed. All I had to do was being a can of crushed tomatoes and some flour.


On his birthday, during the small ...

What kind of sweater do cops wear?

A pullover.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny was in school one day and his teacher was doing a vocabulary exercise.

She asked the class "Okay, can anyone give me a sentence using the word dog?" well little Johnny's hand bolts straight up in the air and she knows he has something dirty to say. she decides to call on another student who also has his hand raised. "My dog sleeps in my bed!"

"good job!" says t...

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn't have all the proper equipment...

...needle-less to say, I didn't get very far.

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Life is like a hand-knit sweater

You really fucking hate it, but you can’t throw it away because your mom worked really hard on it, and you don’t want to hurt her feelings.

Why don’t Painters wear sweaters?

..............................cuz they already put on two coats!

Three expectant mothers are sitting around a table knitting sweaters for their babies to be.

The first mother says "I'm taking folic acid, I want my baby to have a strong immune system". The other mothers nod.


The second mother says "I'm taking calcium supplements, I want my baby to have strong bones". The other mothers nod.


The third mother says "Oh, well I'm taking T...

Apparently scarves are the most dangerous form of winter clothing.

The least dangerous are sweater vests. They’re completely armless

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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

A son is visiting his mother the week after Hanukkah wearing one of the two sweaters she’d given him as a gift for the holiday.

As he walks into her house, instead of saying hello, the mother says, “What’s wrong? You didn’t like the other sweater I got you?”

If your parents kept an old jacket or sweater from when you were a kid.

Would that make it your child hood?

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If the world was a giant sweater, where would all the black people live

In the hood

50 cent gave Eminem a Christmas gift

Eminem was taken aback and choked up as he unwrapped the beautiful hand-made Christmas sweater.

Holding back tears, he turns to 50 and asks...

G-g-g-gee, you knit?

What do you call a sweater that was blown away by the wind?

A cardi-gone.

(yes, I made this one up this morning)

Why did the jalapeno put on a sweater?

Because he was a little chile

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The
teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Johnny before. She
finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word 'fascinate', so
she called on him. Johnny said, "My
Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her boobs are so big...

I have a coffee sweater.

I put it on over my tea shirt.

My friend asked if I knew what kind of sweater he was wearing.

I said I had no idea, he said "Guess."

"Hollister?"

"No. Guess."

"North face?"

"No... Guess"

I sill don't know.

Why did the man put a sweater on his hot dog?

Because it was a chili dog

What do you use to make a sweater out of your own hair that will last for hundreds of years?

An hairloom.

[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

I was asked to bring an ugly sweater to a Christmas party.

But my ex-wife already had plans.

There are many kinds of vests that protect you..

Life vests protect you from drowning.
Bullet proof vests protect you from getting shot.
Reflective vests protect you from getting hit when you are near a road.
And sweater vests protect you from women.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Jews and sweaters have in common?

They´re easier to find in 36 than 42

What did the magician say when his girlfriend was taking too long shopping for sweaters?

"Pick a cardigan. ANY CARDIGAN."

A Woman is in an exclusive pet store looking to buy a sweater for her dog.

After witnessing much hemming and hawing and the scrutinizing of the size of each item, the salesperson finally pipes in. “Why don’t you bring the dog in for a fitting?” He says.
“I can’t do that,” the customer says. “The sweater is a surprise.”

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer ...

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Trip to the Doc

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said "Where are you going?"

I'm going to the doctor.

Why, are you sick?

No" , "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker
and was putting o...

My technique with women is, I sneak up behind them and scream obscenities in their ear — when they turn round I’m wearing a nice sweater and holding a kitten.

I call it ‘Shock and Awwww!’

How do computers make sweaters?

On the interknit.

Life is like a christmas sweater

I want to get rid of it but that would just make my grandma sad

A boy is asking santa for a heavy sweater for christmas present

so santa send him a sumo wrestler

What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

I have two sweaters. One made in Pakistan, the other in India.

They're both Cashmere.

Sweater Weather

David's mother gave him two sweaters for his birthday. The next time he visited his mother, he made sure to wear one of them. But as he entered her house, instead of the expected smile, he was greeted with, “What, you didn't like the other one?”

Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had for...

Eminem is the first celebrity to get the Wuhan Virus.

A statement from his manager says that Eminem admitted himself to the emergency department because his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Doctors say he presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was moms spaghetti. Mathers said that he was "nervous"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office, knitting to pass the time.

The first one pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and take one. The other two ask what it was.

She says, "Calcium. Strong bones for baby and mommy!"

Satisfied, they all return to their knitting.

A few minutes later, the second one pulls out a bottle of pills and takes one. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do so many girls wear sweaters that say 'SuperDry'...

It's not like us boys wear sweaters saying 'micropenis'

did you know it takes 3 sheep to make a wool sweater?

It's amazing. I didn't even know they could knit!

waaaaaaka waka.

Why do bears have a fur coat

Because they would look silly in a sweater (I got that from my grandpa)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

A man went to the doctor

"Doc, I don't know why but this is killing me. Recently my throat always feel so tight, like a invisible force clutching my neck. And my nape is cold all the time. Please don't tell me these are the symptoms of a cancer..."

After a day's check, the man got his diagnosis, which reads:

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three pregnant women...

Are sitting in the OBGYN office knitting baby sweaters.

The first woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a small pill. She states "this is folic acid, it's an important vitamin for development of my baby," then resumes her knitting.

The second woman reaches into her purse, pulls ou...

Americans have a strange dialect.

It's all "sneakers" instead of "trainers"...

... and "sweater" instead of "jumper"...

... and "shooting range" instead of "high school"...

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