A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

What did 50 Cent say when his grandma made him a sweater?

G, you knit?

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For her birthday, I gave my girlfriend a sweater and a dildo.

I figure if she doesn't like the sweater, she can go fuck herself.

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Three pregnant women knitting sweaters for their unborn kids.

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their unborn kids. The first woman says “I hope my baby is a boy, I’m using blue wool”. The second woman says “I’m hoping for a girl, my sweater is pink”. The third woman says quietly “Weeeelllll, I hope my kid is deformed..I’ve fucked up the arms!”.

I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn't have all the proper equipment...

...needle-less to say, I didn't get very far.

What did 50 Cent's grandmother's say when he handed her a homemade sweater?

Gee, you knit?

I got a sweater for my birthday!

I really wanted a moaner...

Why don’t Painters wear sweaters?

..............................cuz they already put on two coats!

My wife is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...

But when I take one of her dresses, suddenly, it's, "We need to talk!"

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Life is like a hand-knit sweater

You really fucking hate it, but you can’t throw it away because your mom worked really hard on it, and you don’t want to hurt her feelings.

If your parents kept an old jacket or sweater from when you were a kid.

Would that make it your child hood?

Why was the Jalapeño wearing a sweater?

Because he was a little chili

A son is visiting his mother the week after Hanukkah wearing one of the two sweaters she’d given him as a gift for the holiday.

As he walks into her house, instead of saying hello, the mother says, “What’s wrong? You didn’t like the other sweater I got you?”

wooohooo!! For the first time ever, I won the ugly sweater competition at my work..

Just that, i wore my best sweater from my closet to work without knowing today was the event!!

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

What is the police officer's favorite sweater?

Pullover

What kind of sweater do cops wear?

A pullover.

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

Three expectant mothers are sitting around a table knitting sweaters for their babies to be.

The first mother says "I'm taking folic acid, I want my baby to have a strong immune system". The other mothers nod.


The second mother says "I'm taking calcium supplements, I want my baby to have strong bones". The other mothers nod.


The third mother says "Oh, well I'm taking T...

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...

This year for Christmas I want a squirter

[Nsfw] I got a sweater for Christmas...

I wish I had gotten a screamer or a moaner.

Why did the man put a sweater on his hot dog?

Because it was a chili dog

What do you call a sweater that was blown away by the wind?

A cardi-gone.

(yes, I made this one up this morning)

I have a coffee sweater.

I put it on over my tea shirt.

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Why did the jalapeno put on a sweater?

Because he was a little chile

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What do Jews and sweaters have in common?

They´re easier to find in 36 than 42

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already...

Woman: Did you just quote Eminem?

Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!

What did the magician say when his girlfriend was taking too long shopping for sweaters?

"Pick a cardigan. ANY CARDIGAN."

All my friends clubbed together and got me a sweater

I would've preferred a moaner or a screamer, but you can't have it all

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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

I was asked to bring an ugly sweater to a Christmas party.

But my ex-wife already had plans.

[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

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If the world was a giant sweater, where would all the black people live

In the hood

I just found out that my sweater was made by indonesian slave children

And i must say they did a wonderful job

My friend asked if I knew what kind of sweater he was wearing.

I said I had no idea, he said "Guess."

"Hollister?"

"No. Guess."

"North face?"

"No... Guess"

I sill don't know.

Life is like a christmas sweater

I want to get rid of it but that would just make my grandma sad

A physicist walks into a clothing store looking for a new sweater

He tries one on in the dressing room, likes how it looks and feels, and takes it off. Upon trying to leave the dressing room, the door handle shocks him. Outraged, the man goes to customer service and asks, "Why are you charging me for trying on a sweater?!"

A boy is asking santa for a heavy sweater for christmas present

so santa send him a sumo wrestler

I have two sweaters. One made in Pakistan, the other in India.

They're both Cashmere.

What's a traffic cop's favorite kind of sweater?

A pull over.

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Why do so many girls wear sweaters that say 'SuperDry'...

It's not like us boys wear sweaters saying 'micropenis'

did you know it takes 3 sheep to make a wool sweater?

It's amazing. I didn't even know they could knit!

waaaaaaka waka.

A woman walks into her dermatologist’s office

and says "Doctor, I have this terrible rash." She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large H-shaped rash.

The doctor replies, "Now, that is the strangest rash I've ever seen."

The woman explains, "Well, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we mak...

Americans have a strange dialect.

It's all "sneakers" instead of "trainers"...

... and "sweater" instead of "jumper"...

... and "shooting range" instead of "high school"...

Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had for...

I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater.

I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.

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Two Recently Married Men

Are on a plane in route to their honeymoon.

George turns to John and says "Hey baby. You wanna have sex right here in our seats?"

"What?! Are you crazy? There are hundreds of people on this plane!" Says John

George replies "Don't be so uptight. No one is paying a bit of attenti...

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My parents taught me well

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't stra...

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A young comedian wanted to make himself famous, so he covered the interior of his house with Jokes

He wrote down every joke he ever knew on a paper each and taped them to everything in his house: the floor, the walls, the couch....etc.

However there was one joke which he thought was lame, so he threw it away somewhere in his house and forgot about it.

The Comedian started inviting s...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

I’m no peta guy or anything

but I do think it’s pretty messed up that they make sweaters out of turtle necks.

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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

I visited my girlfriends family in Mexico during the summer.

They all laughed at me for wearing a sweater to dinner.

But, my girlfriend told me it would be chili

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A woman heads to the doctors office

for her usual checkup. While there, the doc notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it,
"Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sex."
The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup. While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on he...

Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies in the OB waiting room.

The first woman takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I'm taking a folate pill."

The second takes out a pill and says, "I want my baby to have heal...

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An actor, a businessman and a redneck

An actor, a businessman and a redneck are sitting in a bar on Christmas eve. The actor says, "I got my wife the perfect gift. A dress and a diamond necklace. That way if she doesn't like dress she has a diamond necklace."

The business man says, "I got my wife a new sweater and a ring. That wa...

My mother was feeling cold

so now I'm wearing a sweater.

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An octopus walks into a bar [NSFW]

An octopus walks into a bar and the bartender immediately turns to him and says “Hey buddy, we don’t serve your kind here! You have to leave!” The octopus, feeling disrespected, retorts. “Well why not? I can do anything any of you can do!”

The bartender looks at him, discontent. “Really? Well...

What do call a bunch of middle eastern people in a sauna

Afghan sweaters

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer ...

Twins Timmy and Tommy wake up Christmas morning and discover they each have three presents.

Timmy opens his first present, its a brand new PS4 with games.

Tommy opens his first present, and its an old, worn out sweater.

Timmy opens his second present, and its a brand new Flat Screen TV.

Tommy opens his second present and its an old, broken down tube TV.

Timm...

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One morning a doctor is examining a young woman

As she takes her blouse off the doctor notices that there is a large "H" imprinted on her chest. The doctor asks about it and the young woman replies "my boyfriend is a graduate of Harvard. He's so proud of that fact that he never takes his college sweater off, even when we have sex."

The nex...

There is new term for waking up in prison, covered in various bodily fluids

Cosby sweater

Christmas Break

There are 2 boys. Timmy and Bill. They just got back from Christmas break. The first boy, Timmy, says to Bill, “I had the best Christmas ever! I got a new bike, new shoes, and a PS4 with all my favorite games on it. What’d you get Bill?” He says, “I only got a sweater.” The first boy asks, “Why?” Bi...

A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas.

She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The filler clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark f...

A woman and her husband are eating at a Chinese restaurant.

The woman loves how artistic the Chinese language looks written, so she takes home a menu and chooses her favorite symbols and knits a sweater with said symbols on the front.

A few months later her and her husband are invited to his company's party. She decides this is the perfect time to wea...

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The Old Man and his Wife

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her...

The starship Enterprise is about to face annihilation from a superior ship, but Picard comes up with a cunning plan.

"We'll beam Lieutenant Worf on to their ship to offer our unconditional surrender", says Picard

"But Captain", interrupts Riker, "they might not take us seriously if you send Worf. It might be wise to send Commander Troi".

"Nonsense! Put him in a wooly sweater, a wooly hat and gloves,...

Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska

There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

Blonde Joke!

Blonde walks into a dry cleaner with her sweater and asks the clerk how much it would cost to get the stain out. The clerk didn’t hear her turns to her and says come again? The blonde giggles and says no it’s just mustard this time

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