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Plaid Jokes

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Unique Dildo!

A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

Salesman answers, "$35."

Blonde: "How much for the black one?"

Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one bef...

As a French-Canadian with a successful plaid condom business, I feel I have a lot to offer on British monetary policy

But nobody wants a Quebecker with a checkered pecker as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He puts the octopus down on a barstool and tells everyone in the bar,

"this is the world's most talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument you can find - in fact, i'll bet $100 that nobody here has an instrument that this octopus can't play."

Somebody in the bar pulls out a g...

What do you call a guy in a plaid suit?

Check mate

If I could, I'd wear plaid every day.

But I feel as though doing that would cross several lines.

My phone just replaced the word "killed" with "kilt."

Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.

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A guy starts his first day on the job at a sex shop...

when the manager says "I know it is your first day and I'm really sorry, but I have to run out and do some errands. Do you think you'll be ok?"

The guy says it is fine and it isn't long before he has his first customer, a white woman.

"Do you have any dildos?" she asked

"Yes ma...

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Hillbilly Stripper

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He t...

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A woman walks into a sex shop looking for a dildo.

She asks the clerk "How much for the white one?". He says "That one's $25." She asks "How much for the black one?" He says "That one's $45." She looks around for a bit then asks "Mmmm, how much for the plaid one?" Clerk responds "Ummm, that one's $65." "Great I'll take it." she says. The store owner...

A telltale symptom of COVID-19 is the loss of taste.

So when my sister suddenly decided to buy plaid curtains, I checked her into the hospital immediately.

I put a flannel on my cat

Now it’s a Plaid-a-puss

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?

Plaid tie.

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An oldie but a goodie

A guy is walking through the village in NY and passes a porn shop that his buddy owns. He decides to go in and say hi. He walks in and his buddy Jon is behind the counter.
When Jon sees his old friend he says, “any chance you could look after the shop for a bit, I haven’t had lunch yet”. “No pro...

What’s a lumberjacks favourite meal?

Plaid Thai

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

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A man helps his friend out by taking his shift at the dildo store

One customer comes in says, "how much for the red one" he says "50 bucks"
2nd customer comes in says "how much for the big black one with the veins" he says "120 dollars"
Final customer comes in says "how much for the plaid one" he says "500 bucks" the customer says "ok teehee only live once"...

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A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all.....

After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt.

"I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and ...

What does a blanket say after beating another blanket at videogames?

Well plaid.






Please dont kill me.

A heavily pregnant woman goes into labor in a retail store.

A crowd gathers around her as people struggle to help, or at least make her comfortable.

Panicked a man looks around and asks "Is anyone here a doctor?!"

From the crowd steps a man wearing skinny jeans and a plaid shirt, with short, neat hair and a scruffy beard. "I'm a vegan!"

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A woman gets a job at an Adult Toy Shop...

and its her first day. Her manager shows her how to run the register then suddenly gets a call. He tells her has to leave but if anyone comes in to buy, sell anything she can since sales are low for the month.

The Manager leaves and a few minutes later a Brunette comes in and looks around. "O...

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Lady walks into a porn shop...

Lady walks in to a porn shop and asks for a vibrator.
The clerk says, "They're all there on the shelf Madam..."
She asks, "What's THIS one?"
"That's our anatomically correct Whicked Wang," says he.
The lady buys it and leaves.....Only to return an hour later.
"How about THIS one?" She...

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The Sex Shop

There's a sex shop worker, and while he's working the counter alone, a caucasian woman walks in. She looks at the array of dildos and says, "How much for the white dildo?" The guy says, "$90". She looks a bit further and says, "How much for the black one?" He says, "$90, black or white, we don't...

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Ever-so-slightly

A fellow gets a job in a sex shop. His new boss shows him around. "Everything's marked. We've got a simple register. There's only two things to remember." He points behind the counter. "Deluxe white dildos are $100 and the Deluxe black ones are $150."

"White $100, black $150. Got it."<...

Alan takes his wife fishing

On a usual trip he catches 10-15 fish. He's gobsmacked when the pair of them manage a haul of over 100! He decided to enter them both into the local fishing competition.

The day of the competition rolls around, and each of the Anglers take it in turns. The first man is a big beefy lad, and he...

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A man with no experience is left in charge of a sex shop for a few minutes

and doesn't expect to get any customers. However, a woman enters and points to the counter. "Umm, how much for that long, white one?"

The man crossed his arms and guessed. "Uh, $20." So the woman paid, took the dildo, and left.

Another woman came in a few minutes later, pointed to the...

A man is on the the phone with a bartender.

He says to the bartender "Is there a young, blonde lady there?"

The bartender responds "There are dozens, sir. Be more specific."

"She's wearing a plaid crop top, ripped short jean shorts, boots, pigtails and a cowboy hat."

The bartender replies "yeah, she's here, what of it?"<...

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[Long] Lori was assistant manager at the Sex Shoppe, and had been for a long time wondering, when do I get my shot at being Manager?

One day, her boss, the owner, said, “Lori, I have to go on a business trip for the weekend. You’re in charge. Let’s see how you handle it. You know the business well enough. Just remember, the new dildo line goes on sale Saturday. That’s $25 for the white dildos, and $50 for the black dildos.”
...

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new guy at the sex shop

So a sex shop hires a new employee and the boss needs to leave for awhile which means the new guy will have to run the store for a few hours. The boss is a little apprehensive because the new guy has literally no experience, but he's left with no choice.

Shortly after the boss leaves a lady c...

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So a you see a group of hot blondes walk into the bar

and claimed a booth, Greg had idly thought it was probably time for a bachelorette party or a girls' night out.

When a group of religious leaders had strolled through and gathered at the bar, he had wondered—a little more actively—if he had ever actually seen any such persons in his bar befor...

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[NSFW] Glitter

A White guy, a brown guy, and a black guy go on a road trip. Along the way to their destination, they have engine issues and the car breaks down. Nearest service station is over 50 miles away, fortunately for them, there is a house farm nearby.They get to the door and knock.

An old, bitter l...

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