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Jersey Jokes

A guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.

The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here?
My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but
it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can ...

If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware ?

I dunno, Alaska.

Thinking about opening up a sperm bank in New Jersey.

Gonna call it: "Get a load of this guy over here!".

My friend claimed that all Jersey girls are trash.

I said that isn't true, trash gets picked up.

New Jersey ranks highest in depression and marital infidelity

It's a sad state of affairs

I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

Two Fleas on Vacation (nsfw)

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.

The other flea asked him, "Why are shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Har...

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There once were two airplane mechanics from New Jersey...

... Who were also drinking buddies.

One night, the mechanics (Rick and Paul) were finishing up their shift and discussing where they should go for a drink afterwards.

"I don't know, man," said Rick. "We've been to every bar in town. The scene's getting old."

"Well," replied Pau...

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What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?

# Bus shelters.

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey.

Why did Washington, D.C. get all the lawyers and New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey had the first pick.

Why did the Broncos wear white jerseys in Super Bowl 50?

Because it's hard to catch a white bronco in California.

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Jersey Girl

A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat. I've been told that I have a body like New Jersey."

So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's this?"

She replies "Middlesex."

He grabs her butt and asks "what's this?"

She replies “Freehold.”

Then he g...

What's the Difference between NHL Players and the Jersey Shore Girls?

NHL Players shower after three periods.

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How do they teach the alphabet in New Jersey?

Fuckin-A, Fuckin-B, Fuckin-C...

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Jersey must be a real shithole

If New Jersey was meant to be an improvement.

I got my wife a Colin Kaepernick jersey

So she’s spend more time on her knees




Credit: Adam Hunter

A guy from Jersey bought a search engine and some fireworks.

He bought-a-bing and bought-a-boom

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An elderly Italian man in New Jersey...

An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,...

My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of New Jersey :(

Nothing happened there. I just feel bad for anyone who has to live in New Jersey.

How many Jersey girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. They'll screw anything

Vinny gets pulled over for speeding on the Jersey Turnpike...

And the cop asks him for his license and registration. Now Vinny wants to get rid of the cop as fast as possible being that he's got a dead "canary" in the trunk. As he passes his wallet, he drops a $50 bill on the ground.

"I'm sorry officer was that your fifty or mine?"

The cop hands ...

Why is everyone in New York depressed?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey

They're giving away Marshawn Lynch jerseys at my local sports shop.

But I think I'll pass

I once had 4 blowouts at once, but managed to drive on the metal of my rims from New York to New Jersey. I did pretty good, but the hero of the moment was my car.

It worked tirelessly.

BREAKING NEWS! A hurricane has just hit New Jersey...

It has inflicted about $25,000 worth of improvement.

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A man with a dog walks into a bar in New Jersey.

He says to the barman, "This dog can talk." The bartender replies, "What? Get outta here." The man with the dog then says, "It's true, I promise!" The bartender decides to see if there is anything to this and says to the man, "Tell you what, if you can prove that the dog talks I'll give you free...

How do people from the Jersey Shore show their condolences?

They send their thots and players

What's the difference between a Greyhound terminal in New Jersey and a voluptuous lobster?

One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean

Why do people drive so fast in New Jersey?

So as to get the f\*ck out of New Jersey.

If Al Abama wore Miss Issippi's new jersey to the party, what will Mary Land wear?

I dunno, Al ask a.

A woman wearing a dirty basketball jersey walks into a bar. She lifts her arm, showing everyone her hairy armpit. "Would any of you men like to buy me a beer?" she asks.

One man, who has drunk at least fourteen beers already, says, "I'd like to buy the ballerina a beer!"

The bartender says, "Look, sir, I have met many women over the years. Some were more tomboyish than girly, others more girly than tomboyish, but none as tomboyish as this woman. For example, ...

If Miss. Issippi, gave Miss. Ouri, her new jersey, what would Dela wear?

I don't know, but AL ask.

My friend was bitten by a Great White at a New Jersey beach.

Well, he actually used the phrase "Superior Aryan." Either way he was one crazy skinhead.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods

when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a soothing voice, says: “Just tak...

I don’t know why people wear players’ jerseys at games.

Who do they think they’re fooling?

BREAKING: Helicopter crash in a New Jersey cemetery

300 dead bodies recovered so far

Did you hear what sandy did to New Jersey?

A few billion dollars worth of improvements

What does Pennsylvania wear to protect itself from the cold sea?

New Jersey.

What are two things you don't pick up in New Jersey?

The trash and the women.

Did you hear about this year's newest fad diet coming out of New York and New Jersey?

The swim-fast diet.

Want to know why I always wear my Seahawks Jersey when I take a test?

It's so I'll pass, even when I shouldn't!

How do you kill a vampire from New Jersey?

With a New York steak.

Why should you never buy golf equiptment made in New Jersey?

Because New Jersey drivers are terrible

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After his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

“Ciao, Luigi. How wassa the trip?” His friend said.

“Everything was perfecto, except for the train down.” Luigi said

“Virginia and I boarda da train at Grand Central Station. Virginia packa a huge picnic basket. But the conductore came, waga his finger and said: ‘no eat in disa car. M...

Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino was indicted on tax charges today

The Situation does not look good legally.

In a progressive move, Mattel is making a new boyfriend for Barbie who's a homeless man from New Jersey

Hobo Ken.

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So there's this terrible shipwreck, with only three survivors - a French guy, a British guy, and a guy from New Jersey.

So there's a terrible shipwreck, and there are only three survivors that wash up onto a desert island - a French guy, a British guy, and a guy from New Jersey. They're immediately captured by cannibals and spend days locked in a cage, awaiting their fate. Finally the Chief of the cannibals comes t...

Imagin you are walking along the boardwalk in New Jersey when you see an anti-vaxxer and a flat-earther drowning in the ocean...

do you grab dinner before you go to the movies or see the movie first?

I was watching Jersey Shore the other day when I thought...

I didn't know I had animal planet.

Pennsylvania and New Jersey changed their state mottos today in order to cut their highway budgets.

Now they both proudly display "Road Work Ahead. Expect Delays" on their welcome signs to better reflect the status of their roadways.

TIL The New Jersey Devils have never changed their logo or uniform design/colours.

No new New Jersey jersey.

What's the difference between a hockey team and a New Jersey hooker?

A hockey team showers after 3 periods.

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Me and a couple of the guys were having a beer and laughing about how stupid our wives are.

Ted said, "Mine's the stupidest. She goes out shopping and she comes back with a pair of jodhpurs and a riding crop, and she's never been on a horse in her life."

Jack said, "Mine's stupider than that. She goes out shopping and she comes back with a sailor's jersey and cap and a pair of deck ...

I asked my father for advice with my girlfriend. He told me to kiss her where it smells

So I took her to New Jersey

Where do hockey players go to get another uniform?

New Jersey

What did Michael Sorrentino say when they asked him if he would be ok with wearing adult diapers on some of the new episodes of Jersey Shore?

It depends on The Situation.

Texans fan

A guy goes into a Houston bar with a Dachshund under his arm. The dog is decked out in a Texans jersey and helmet and is festooned with Texans pompoms.

The bartender says, "Hey! No pets allowed in here!"
The guy begs him, "Please we're both big Texans fans and the TV at my house is broken....

My goal is to own a major sports franchise in Oklahoma

The team will take its name from Oklahoma's history as a "boom" state during the early years of settlement when people were rushing to get in. Our jerseys will say "OK Boomers".

Stupid TV Trivia- Here are some of mine- post your own!

Did you see "Gilligan’s Island" that time when they almost got rescued?

Remember that "Star Trek" episode when they met those aliens?

Did you catch "Jersey Shore" when they got drunk and had that fight?

How about "The Bachelorette" episode when she cried.

Did you see t...

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Getting Old

An older couple is driving down to Florida from New Jersey for the winter. The old lady, who has lost much of her hearing, is pulled over at the Florida state line for driving at a high rate of speed.

The officer approaches the vehcile, looks in and asks the lady, "do you know that I clocked ...

A bunch of Chinese people come to a photographer for passport photos...

The photographer saw the enormous work to guide each of the 50 people and told to himself:

-Well, they all look the same, I will do just one photo and will send a copy to each one. They wouldn't notice.

So, he did it and sent a copy to each one of them. The next day, a Chinese guy com...

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You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

Teams always get fresh uniforms for the Super Bowl.

They come from New Jersey.

A fun little hike

Mississippi asked Missouri “What did Delaware?” She replied, “Idaho, but Alaska”. Turns out she wore her New Jersey.

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I used to be a cop..

I'm on the job six weeks. Barely out of training floaties. I'm on foot patrol. It's a little before midnight. I clock this beat up Plymouth with Jersey plates, parked under the bridge. Trusty flashlight I walk over, I rap on the glass. In the backseat, there's a girl doing her homework. In the front...

Why did the farmer wrap the cow around his body?

It was a jersey

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

A guy is scoping out chicks in a bar...

...when he sees one wearing a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi. My name is 21 Point Lead."

The woman laughs and replies, "That's not your name!"

The guy says, "You're right, but I figured anyone wearing a Chiefs jersey would blow a 21 point lead."

You Know You're A Northneck (Northern Redneck) If......

Your rusty vehicle's resale value only goes up if you remember to put the snow tires on them during the winter.

You ever got into a shouting match based on which college hockey team you're a fan of.

You've ever used expired gas station sushi as bait for ice fishing.

(You're re...

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