UPJOKE
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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

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Voodoo Dick

There once was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was of a flirtatious sort, and so he thought to find something to keep her occupied while he was away. So he went to a sex store to find something special for his wife. He asked the old man in the shop...

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Sharty had them crappy bottom jeans

Poops with the burn

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My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

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A guy goes to a Halloween party in just his jeans

No shoes or shirt nothing but jeans. He’s making his rounds and enjoying some drinks and the comes up to him and asks, “So what are you supposed to be?” The guys responds, “I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host pauses for a second really staring at this guy’s costume and finally says, “I don’t get ...

Needing new jeans.

I happened to spot several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a local garage sale.

They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33.

So I asked the owner if he had a pair.

He shook his head. “I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”

Do you know why they give those tiny pockets on jeans?

It is for your salary.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field

But hay, it’s in my jeans

I tried to wear skinny jeans once

I couldn't pull 'em off

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

What do skinny jeans and a cheap hotel have in common?

There's no ballroom.

Friend told me this a couple years ago. I was reminded today, by wearing skinny jeans and tugging at my crotch the entire time.

I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans

but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited.

The traveling salesmen

Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.

Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged wo...

I asked a tailor to hem my jeans

He did a bad job of it so I ended having to go to the retailer

Diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in your jeans

Just got back from Morrison’s ....I have NEVER been so rudely treated in my life....

All I did was ask for toilet paper at the service desk.....The woman behind the counter turned and yelled at the top of her lungs OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!

I politely said there's no need to make a scene and shuffled back to the bathroom with my jeans around my ankles

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

What are Mario's favourite jeans to wear?

*Denim Denim Denim*

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

I try wearing tight jeans..

but I could never pull them off

Skinny jeans are like a cheap hotel.

There’s no ballroom.

What do you call a guy from Illinois with rips in his jeans, shoes, and a hole in his shirt and forehead?

An ambulance

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When I go to a costume party this year, I'm showing up wearing only a pair of jeans.

That way when I'm asked what my costume is, I'll say "I'm a premature ejaculator. I just came in my pants."

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Everyone in my family is bad at holding in their piss.

Sadly, it runs in our jeans.

A girl who caught me looking at her very toned legs in jeans.

Her: "Whatcha looking at?"

Me: Sorry your legs look great in those
jeans.

Her: You should see me without them.

ME: Why would you take off your legs?

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"Sara," said the husband, "'I just I gol a letter from the IRS. How should 1 dress for my meeting? In my Armani suit or in my jeans?"

'Jacob;' his wife replied, "I'm going to tell
you the same thing that my mother told me
when I asked her whether I should wear pajamas or my sexy black negligee on our honeymoon. She said 'Sara, it doesn't matter how
you dress, you'll get fucked either way."

A man is making jeans and gets exhausted.

What does he do?

Pants.

What do skinny jeans and middle-class houses have in common?

No ballroom.

I like my men like I like my jeans..

High and Wasted.

^I ^don't ^have ^great ^taste ^in ^jeans.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a cocktail

The bartender spends a minute measuring and pouring ingredients, and when he’s done he takes a spoon out of his shirt pocket, stirs the drink, and hands it to the guy.

The guy takes a sip and then asks the bartender: “do you always carry a spoon in your shirt pocket?”

The bartender rep...

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

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I just found out that I am seriously poor at 'reading' women. I was just sat at the bar earlier, when this stunning lass sat beside me. She leaned in to whisper something, and like a fucking idiot I automatically thought she was trying to flirt with me.

Turned out she just wanted to tell me how nice my arse looks in these jeans.

I went to the doctor to get a prostate exam.

The doctor told me to take my jeans and underpants off and to bend over the table.
As he was putting plastic gloves on, he said:

”Alright Steve, don’t get hard this time.”

”My name’s not Steve” I said.

”Yes, I know. I am Steve”.

I saw a sign outside a store saying "Jeans: 50% OFF!"

Turns out they were just selling jorts.

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Naked Cowboy

A sheriff of a small town is patrolling the town one night when he comes across a cowboy walking up Main St. The cowboy is wearing nothing except his hat, boots, and gunbelt. The sheriff is a bit surprised at first but gets over his initial shock and arrests the cowboy for indecent exposure.

...

People ask me how I manage to be so healthy and good looking. I tell them that I just buy high quality pants.

I have the best jeans.

Puma's new Jeans line has failed...

They were called Puma Pants.

What is the difference between a man riding a tricycle wearing a suit and tie, and another man riding a bicycle wearing jeans and a t-shirt?

Attire.

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So when a girl tells her friend she has a great ass in that jeans it's okay,

But when I tell my buddy the same thing I am 'being inappropriate' and I 'should really close the coffin now'. The world we live in

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I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

What’s the similarity between a pot head and a Syrian girl wearing jeans?

They both get stoned.

For our recent field trip, our teacher told us that jeans were appropriate, but we weren’t allowed to wear pairs with holes in them.

I still don’t know how we’re supposed to get the darn things on!

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans.

I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"

Problem with the new jeans

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.

“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”

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Boss: You can't wear jeans with holes in them to work.

Dave: it's a fashion trend.

Boss: Dave we can see your asshole.

A shirt and jeans walk into a bar

They ask the bartender for a drink and he replies
“No shoes no service”

Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Why shouldn’t you buy cheap jeans from Northern Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout.

Stopped buying jeans

I could never find jeans that fit, every pair long enough would be too wide up top. So I switched to sweatpants, smaller waste of material.

I finally figured out what that tiny little pocket in my jeans is there for...

It's for my salary.

I hate having to shop for jeans as a guy. They're all made like cheap castles.

There's no ballroom!




Sorry if this is a repost, I've never seen it posted to r/jokes before. I only just heard it yesterday from a coworker who claims her grandfather made it up. I thought you lot might like it!

I girl once told me a story about her cut-off jeans.

She kept it short.

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I saw a guy with down syndrome buying a pair of jeans today.

I thought to myself, "What a greedy bastard, haven't you got enough already?"

Men's jeans haven't really been working out for me, so I decided to try on women's jeans.

Then I realized it was the closest I'll ever get into a girl's pants.

What material are the Pink Panther's jeans made out of?

Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmmmm

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You go to a Halloween party wearing nothing but blue jeans. When someone asks you who you are, you reply, "I'm a premature ejaculator."

You see, I just came in my pants.

"Credit goes to some dudes post on something earlier, couldn't find it to give him credit. Thought it was too funny not to share."

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Man walks to a doctors office to show his blue penis. [NSFW]

Doctor takes a look a says "it's gangrene, I am sorry but we have to amputate it right now".

After several weeks, the same man comes back and says "Doctor, now my thighs are blue!"

Doctor takes a look again and ask "you haven't wash your new jeans? It looks like the stain a little bit....

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Bleach kills everything: mold, mildew, bacteria, black shirts, blue jeans...

But not the whites.

Fuckin white privilege...

What did the scarecrow say when the farmer asked him how he liked his job?

It's not for everyone but, hey, it's in my jeans.

Disclaimer: I read this joke on here a couple years ago and it's still my favorite.

Financial Advisor: "I don't quite know how to break this to you but you're basically broke." Wife: "He's always spending money on stupid stuff!"

Me: "Lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid."

Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans

Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.

To the guy who stole my really tight skinny jeans...

You won't be able to run, just hide.

I was behind a fat girl in tight jeans at the supermarket checkout...

Her label said “Guess?”

I said, “ Oh I don’t know, 450 pounds?”

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What do you call a group of jeans running a marathon?

ParticiPANTS!

I just did 10 pull ups this morning

These jeans are tighter than I remember

How many Jean Valjeans does it take to screw in a lightbulb

24601

William Shatner is going to sponsor a new line of women's jeans made to hide adult diapers underneath.

They're going to be called Shatner Pants.

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My wife walked into the kitchen last night, stuck her hand down the front of my jeans and said…

"Feeling horny?"

I said, "Yes, let me just go and slip into something a little more sexier."

"Like your silky boxers?" She asked.

"No," I replied. "Your sister."

How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off?

It pants.

Why do deaf women wear tight jeans?

So you can read their lips.

I got a pair of jeans for a buck

Idk what it wanted jeans for, but I'm a charitable friend to animals.

I know skinny jeans are fashionable...

But as a slightly chubby man, I just can't seem to be able to pull them off

I got this new pair of jeans and they're really stretchy so I call them my dancing pants...

because of the ballroom.

What's the difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian?

A pair of jeans only has one fly on it

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