A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

A girl who caught me looking at her very toned legs in jeans.

Her: "Whatcha looking at?"

Me: Sorry your legs look great in those
jeans.

Her: You should see me without them.

ME: Why would you take off your legs?

What’s the similarity between a pot head and a Syrian girl wearing jeans?

They both get stoned.

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

No ballroom

What are Mario's favourite jeans to wear?

*Denim Denim Denim*

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A guy walks into a costume party wearing nothing buy a pair of blue jeans

The host comes up to him and asks, "What are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a premature ejaculation," he responds.

"I don't understand."

"Oh, I just came in my pants."

What is the difference between a man riding a tricycle wearing a suit and tie, and another man riding a bicycle wearing jeans and a t-shirt?

Attire.

I try wearing tight jeans..

but I could never pull them off

A man is making jeans and gets exhausted.

What does he do?

Pants.

I saw a sign outside a store saying "Jeans: 50% OFF!"

Turns out they were just selling jorts.

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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

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So when a girl tells her friend she has a great ass in that jeans it's okay,

But when I tell my buddy the same thing I am 'being inappropriate' and I 'should really close the coffin now'. The world we live in

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

“Son, you’re going to have to stop money laundering.”

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

Skinny jeans are like a cheap hotel.

There’s no ballroom.

How is diarrhea hereditary?

It runs in your jeans.

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

Problem with the new jeans

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.

“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”

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Bleach kills everything: mold, mildew, bacteria, black shirts, blue jeans...

But not the whites.

Fuckin white privilege...

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

I finally figured out what that tiny little pocket in my jeans is there for...

It's for my salary.

I was behind a fat girl in tight jeans at the supermarket checkout...

Her label said “Guess?”

I said, “ Oh I don’t know, 450 pounds?”

What do you call the only Frenchman to wear Jeans to a race?

Monsieur pantalon

Why shouldn’t you buy cheap jeans from Northern Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout.

Puma's new Jeans line has failed...

They were called Puma Pants.

A shirt and jeans walk into a bar

They ask the bartender for a drink and he replies
“No shoes no service”

I girl once told me a story about her cut-off jeans.

She kept it short.

I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans.

I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"

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I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

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I once talked to a chick in the club. I said "you have a nice jeans, i would want to be inside of your jeans." She said "no need for that." I asked "why?"

She: "because there is already an asshole inside."

For our recent field trip, our teacher told us that jeans were appropriate, but we weren’t allowed to wear pairs with holes in them.

I still don’t know how we’re supposed to get the darn things on!

Wife: Do these jeans make me look fat?

Husband: Come on honey, let's not blame it on the *jeans*.

In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop,

A woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus d...

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans.

Stopped buying jeans

I could never find jeans that fit, every pair long enough would be too wide up top. So I switched to sweatpants, smaller waste of material.

What do you call a smart person in jeans?

A jeanius.

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My whole body is changing during lockdown

The button on my Jeans have started social distancing from each other.

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A guy goes to his doctor... his leg is turning blue.

The doctor runs some tests and says: “you got a rare degenerative condition. We’ll have to amputate.” So the guy gets his leg amputated and fitted with a prosthetic. Couple of weeks later, the other leg starts going blue. Doctor delivers the same news. So the second leg is also amputated.

Two...

How would you call Michael Jackson’s denim store?

Billie Jeans

How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off?

It pants.

A man bought a pair of jeans.

His friend took notice of it and inquired the brand.

“hey dude, nice jeans. what’s the brand?”
“Guess.”
“Levi’s Strauss?”
“No, Guess.”
“Gap?”
“No man, Guess.”
“American Standard!?”
“Dammit man, Guess!”
“FUBU!?!?!?!”

Why don't women have beards?

It's in their jeans.

Men's jeans haven't really been working out for me, so I decided to try on women's jeans.

Then I realized it was the closest I'll ever get into a girl's pants.

Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...

Changed into jeans and was all good.

To the guy who stole my really tight skinny jeans...

You won't be able to run, just hide.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Wife: I lost my keys again!

Husband: It's in your
jeans.

Wife: Don't drag my
family into
this
.

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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.

As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
<...

What material are the Pink Panther's jeans made out of?

Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmmmm

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Boss: You can't wear jeans with holes in them to work.

Dave: it's a fashion trend.

Boss: Dave we can see your asshole.

Good Old Vine

At a crime scene two detectives are gathering information on a murder. After gathering evidence and clues about the crime, they head back to their station and report to their boss.

Police Cheif: So, tell me about the case.

Detective 1: The victim is a teen aged boy with a brown and blu...

I got a pair of jeans for a buck

Idk what it wanted jeans for, but I'm a charitable friend to animals.

What's a biologist's favorite article of clothing?

Jeans!

What did they find under Michael Jackson's pillow?

Billy's Jeans

Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans

Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.

I hate having to shop for jeans as a guy. They're all made like cheap castles.

There's no ballroom!




Sorry if this is a repost, I've never seen it posted to r/jokes before. I only just heard it yesterday from a coworker who claims her grandfather made it up. I thought you lot might like it!

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You go to a Halloween party wearing nothing but blue jeans. When someone asks you who you are, you reply, "I'm a premature ejaculator."

You see, I just came in my pants.

"Credit goes to some dudes post on something earlier, couldn't find it to give him credit. Thought it was too funny not to share."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why were high-waisted jeans first invented?

So you can deal with those long ass days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a group of jeans running a marathon?

ParticiPANTS!

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

Her: Do I look fat in these jeans?

Him: Will you hate me if I tell the truth?
Her: No.
Him: Are you sure?
Her: YES! I'm sure.
Him: I banged your sister.

I got this new pair of jeans and they're really stretchy so I call them my dancing pants...

because of the ballroom.

A friend tried to get me to wear jeans, a white t shirt, and a motorcycle jacket - but I said no.

It sounded like a Fonzie scheme.

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Boudreaux & Thibodeaux eating

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were eating crawfish. Thibodeaux got carried away sucking the heads and began choking. Boudreaux, being the international oilfield hand that he was, trained in first aid, recognized the international sign for choking, and jumped up to help him. He ran behind Thibodeaux, pu...

Do these jeans make me look fat?

wife : Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me totally scared: Would you get mad if i tell you the truth?
Wife : No, i won't! Tell me.
Me : I slept with your sister

What's the difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian?

A pair of jeans only has one fly on it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For someone with a penis, wearing skinny jeans is a lot like living in a cheap mansion...

There's no ballroom.

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