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My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

What do skinny jeans and middle-class houses have in common?

No ballroom.

I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans

but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited.

I asked a tailor to hem my jeans

He did a bad job of it so I ended having to go to the retailer

What do skinny jeans and a cheap hotel have in common?

There's no ballroom.

Friend told me this a couple years ago. I was reminded today, by wearing skinny jeans and tugging at my crotch the entire time.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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Naked Cowboy

A sheriff of a small town is patrolling the town one night when he comes across a cowboy walking up Main St. The cowboy is wearing nothing except his hat, boots, and gunbelt. The sheriff is a bit surprised at first but gets over his initial shock and arrests the cowboy for indecent exposure.

...

I like my men like I like my jeans..

High and Wasted.

^I ^don't ^have ^great ^taste ^in ^jeans.

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Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have £1 between them.

Paddy says “I’ve an idear” and goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says “are ye mad? Now we’re skint!”
“Come on” says Paddy, “follow me”
They go into a pub, order two pints, and drink them.
Before they pay Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get...

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

What's got 24 legs and flys?

12 pairs of jeans

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

What do you call a guy from Illinois with rips in his jeans, shoes, and a hole in his shirt and forehead?

An ambulance

My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.

It runs in the jeans.

Two nuns

Late in the night, two nuns were walking in a empty street. Suddenly they realised that a man was following them , they were scared ofcourse, they decided to go separate in two different ways and meet again at the church. They did so. The man choosed one and kept on following
15 mins later th...

What are Mario's favourite jeans to wear?

*Denim Denim Denim*

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Elton john

Elton John has put on so much weight he’s having to wear oversized trousers so ......... Goodbye Normal Jeans

Diarrhea is hereditary...

It runs in your jeans

A girl who caught me looking at her very toned legs in jeans.

Her: "Whatcha looking at?"

Me: Sorry your legs look great in those
jeans.

Her: You should see me without them.

ME: Why would you take off your legs?

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"Sara," said the husband, "'I just I gol a letter from the IRS. How should 1 dress for my meeting? In my Armani suit or in my jeans?"

'Jacob;' his wife replied, "I'm going to tell
you the same thing that my mother told me
when I asked her whether I should wear pajamas or my sexy black negligee on our honeymoon. She said 'Sara, it doesn't matter how
you dress, you'll get fucked either way."

A man is making jeans and gets exhausted.

What does he do?

Pants.

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So when a girl tells her friend she has a great ass in that jeans it's okay,

But when I tell my buddy the same thing I am 'being inappropriate' and I 'should really close the coffin now'. The world we live in

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

What’s the similarity between a pot head and a Syrian girl wearing jeans?

They both get stoned.

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After quarantine I realized I'm really into CROSSFIT

I CROSS my fingers and hope I can FIT my ass in those jeans.

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A guy walks into a costume party wearing nothing buy a pair of blue jeans

The host comes up to him and asks, "What are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a premature ejaculation," he responds.

"I don't understand."

"Oh, I just came in my pants."

A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate.



Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy : '' Who Are You....???? ''



Guy : '' I am a Bus driver''



God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.



God ...

I saw a sign outside a store saying "Jeans: 50% OFF!"

Turns out they were just selling jorts.

Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?

Because it has a marrow waistline.

/nsfw An Arizona cowboy and a California cowboy are riding the fence line one day.

They come across a sheep with its head stick in the fence. The Arizona cowboy jumps off his horse, drops his jeans, and has his way with the sheep.

When he gets finished, he looks at the California cowboy and asks, “You wanna have a go?”

The California cowboy says, “Hell yeah!” and ju...

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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

A boy asked his parents for a birthday present

He asked his parents for something to wear and something to play with. They got him a pair of jeans with a hole in the pockets.

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"Right, I'm off out", said the wife, grabbing her coat. "It's my evening class tonight, down at the college."

"Is it a plumbing class?"

"No, don't be silly."

"Then pull your fucking jeans up!"

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I once talked to a chick in the club. I said "you have a nice jeans, i would want to be inside of your jeans." She said "no need for that." I asked "why?"

She: "because there is already an asshole inside."

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I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

For our recent field trip, our teacher told us that jeans were appropriate, but we weren’t allowed to wear pairs with holes in them.

I still don’t know how we’re supposed to get the darn things on!

A cowboy walks into a bar and brings his pet alligator with him.

He places the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“You are about to see something amazing,” the cowboy announced. “This alligator is specially trained. I’m going to take out my junk and he will bite down on it and still leave it completely unscathed. In return for this s...

Stopped buying jeans

I could never find jeans that fit, every pair long enough would be too wide up top. So I switched to sweatpants, smaller waste of material.

I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans.

I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"

Farming isn't for everyone

But, hay it's in my jeans

Problem with the new jeans

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.

“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”

Why shouldn’t you buy cheap jeans from Northern Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout.

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Why People Hate School Re-Unions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey ...

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Bleach kills everything: mold, mildew, bacteria, black shirts, blue jeans...

But not the whites.

Fuckin white privilege...

I finally figured out what that tiny little pocket in my jeans is there for...

It's for my salary.

Puma's new Jeans line has failed...

They were called Puma Pants.

A young boy living on a farm came down to eat breakfast.

His Mother told him he had to do his chores before he could eat. He got mad but went out to do his chores when a chicken ran across in front of him so being still mad he kicked it. Momma was watching. When the cow kicked over the milk pail, he kicked the cow. Momma was watching. When a pig splattere...

What is DNA’s favourite piece of clothing ?

Jeans (genes)

What do you call the only Frenchman to wear Jeans to a race?

Monsieur pantalon

I girl once told me a story about her cut-off jeans.

She kept it short.

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I didn’t know what to wear to the Premature Ejaculator’s Gala...

So I just came in my jeans.

Men's jeans haven't really been working out for me, so I decided to try on women's jeans.

Then I realized it was the closest I'll ever get into a girl's pants.

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Boss: You can't wear jeans with holes in them to work.

Dave: it's a fashion trend.

Boss: Dave we can see your asshole.

I was behind a fat girl in tight jeans at the supermarket checkout...

Her label said “Guess?”

I said, “ Oh I don’t know, 450 pounds?”

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?

Billie jeans.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

To the guy who stole my really tight skinny jeans...

You won't be able to run, just hide.

What material are the Pink Panther's jeans made out of?

Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmmmm

I hate having to shop for jeans as a guy. They're all made like cheap castles.

There's no ballroom!




Sorry if this is a repost, I've never seen it posted to r/jokes before. I only just heard it yesterday from a coworker who claims her grandfather made it up. I thought you lot might like it!

The new CEO wanted to teach about productivity

After gathering the managers he spoke at the importance of cutting out the fat, streamlining the company, numbers and projections against the crisis and the need for a more energetic administration. After that, they left for lunch.

While passing through the offices, the new CEO found a young...

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A teacher in 1st grade at school is angry with a student that always swears and pays no attention to the lesson

"what's your problem?" Teacher asks

"Miss, I think I shouldn't be in the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm far smarter than her. I should be at least in the 3rd grade" he replies.

She goes with him to the principal, with whom agree to do some knowledge tests.

-wha...

What's the name of the clothes shop Michael Jackson visited the most?

Billie JEANS

Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans

Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.

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You go to a Halloween party wearing nothing but blue jeans. When someone asks you who you are, you reply, "I'm a premature ejaculator."

You see, I just came in my pants.

"Credit goes to some dudes post on something earlier, couldn't find it to give him credit. Thought it was too funny not to share."

How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off?

It pants.

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What do you call a group of jeans running a marathon?

ParticiPANTS!

My four-year-old came up with this one:

What do you call a hobbit in blue pants? Lord of the jeans.

(This was after he heard the Alexa ask, “what do you call a hobbit playing a fiddle? Lord of the Strings”)

I got this new pair of jeans and they're really stretchy so I call them my dancing pants...

because of the ballroom.

What's the difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian?

A pair of jeans only has one fly on it

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