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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

What are Mario's favourite jeans to wear?

*Denim Denim Denim*

My grandpa just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: My hip replacement.

Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?

Because it has a marrow waistline.

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Bleach kills everything: mold, mildew, bacteria, black shirts, blue jeans...

But not the whites.

Fuckin white privilege...

What do skinny jeans and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom.

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A guy walks into a costume party wearing nothing buy a pair of blue jeans

The host comes up to him and asks, "What are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a premature ejaculation," he responds.

"I don't understand."

"Oh, I just came in my pants."

I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans.

I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it difficult to pull it off.

Problem with the new jeans

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.

“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”

My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.



It runs in our jeans.

A shirt and jeans walk into a bar

They ask the bartender for a drink and he replies
“No shoes no service”

I finally figured out what that tiny little pocket in my jeans is there for...

It's for my salary.

Stopped buying jeans

I could never find jeans that fit, every pair long enough would be too wide up top. So I switched to sweatpants, smaller waste of material.

I girl once told me a story about her cut-off jeans.

She kept it short.

Why shouldn’t you buy cheap jeans from Northern Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout.

Good Old Vine

At a crime scene two detectives are gathering information on a murder. After gathering evidence and clues about the crime, they head back to their station and report to their boss.

Police Cheif: So, tell me about the case.

Detective 1: The victim is a teen aged boy with a brown and blu...

For our recent field trip, our teacher told us that jeans were appropriate, but we weren’t allowed to wear pairs with holes in them.

I still don’t know how we’re supposed to get the darn things on!

I dont know why catholic schools dont like ripped jeans...

They are the holy-est pants I have ever seen!

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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.

As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
<...

Puma's new Jeans line has failed...

They were called Puma Pants.

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A homeless guy stopped me and demanded I give him £5 for some new shoes.

So I gave him £5 and followed him to see if he got new shoes. He turned down one road, picking up the pace, the end of his baggy jeans scuffing the pavement. He took a sharp left turn down an alleyway, down which I pursued him for some three or four minutes at a safe distance of around three hundred...

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I once talked to a chick in the club. I said "you have a nice jeans, i would want to be inside of your jeans." She said "no need for that." I asked "why?"

She: "because there is already an asshole inside."

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I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?

Billie jeans

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.



But hay, it’s in my jeans.

What do you call a smart person in jeans?

A jeanius.

To the guy who stole my really tight skinny jeans...

You won't be able to run, just hide.

Wife: Do these jeans make me look fat?

Husband: Come on honey, let's not blame it on the *jeans*.

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off?

It pants.

A newlywed couple run into their bedroom and close the door behind them. The wife looks into her husband’s eyes and says “take off my shirt, baby”

So he takes her shirt off. Then the wife says “take off my pants.” So he takes her jeans off. She smiles and says “now take off my bra.” He smiles and takes it off. “Now take off my panties” she says. He smiles even more and takes her parties off. Then the wife says “Now don’t let me catch you weari...

Men's jeans haven't really been working out for me, so I decided to try on women's jeans.

Then I realized it was the closest I'll ever get into a girl's pants.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a pint.
While he’s drinking his pint, he here’s a small voice “you’re very handsome”.
He looks around for the source of this voice, but sees nobody near him.
Another few minutes go past and he hears another small voice, “those jeans look re...

Two policemen on the door of a local man they know

"Good evening," they say when he answers. "We just found a man dead in the park and we came around here because we thought it might be you."

"How big was he?" asks the local man.

"He was about your size."

"Was he wearing a pair of jeans?"

"Yes, he was."

"Did he ha...

Did you know the founder of Levi's supported eugenics?

Yeah, he wanted everyone to have superior jeans.

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Boss: You can't wear jeans with holes in them to work.

Dave: it's a fashion trend.

Boss: Dave we can see your asshole.

What did they find under Michael Jackson's pillow?

Billy's Jeans

I got a pair of jeans for a buck

Idk what it wanted jeans for, but I'm a charitable friend to animals.

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

Although fiber helps pass stool, you need to be careful about the type of fiber you ingest.

From my experience, T-Shirts work well but Jeans are a big no.

I hate having to shop for jeans as a guy. They're all made like cheap castles.

There's no ballroom!




Sorry if this is a repost, I've never seen it posted to r/jokes before. I only just heard it yesterday from a coworker who claims her grandfather made it up. I thought you lot might like it!

What material are the Pink Panther's jeans made out of?

Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmmmm

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WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey...

I couldn't quit ripping my jeans cold turkey...

...so I'm on the patch now.

Why do they call diarhea a genetic illness

Because it will stay in your jeans forever

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

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You go to a Halloween party wearing nothing but blue jeans. When someone asks you who you are, you reply, "I'm a premature ejaculator."

You see, I just came in my pants.

"Credit goes to some dudes post on something earlier, couldn't find it to give him credit. Thought it was too funny not to share."

Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans

Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.

I got this new pair of jeans and they're really stretchy so I call them my dancing pants...

because of the ballroom.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

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Why were high-waisted jeans first invented?

So you can deal with those long ass days.

Her: Do I look fat in these jeans?

Him: Will you hate me if I tell the truth?
Her: No.
Him: Are you sure?
Her: YES! I'm sure.
Him: I banged your sister.

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I have three different cigarette burns on my right arm that have never went away.

The first one came from me being incredibly drunk and telling my friends that they could burn me with it if they wanted because “mama didn’t raise no bitch”

The second one was from being really drunk a different time and my friends telling me that I was afraid to get burned with a cigarette a...

A friend tried to get me to wear jeans, a white t shirt, and a motorcycle jacket - but I said no.

It sounded like a Fonzie scheme.

What does 'Chav' stand for?

because his jeans are to tight for him to sit.

My jeans are blue but the string I bought is red...

Oops. Wrong thread...

What's the difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian?

A pair of jeans only has one fly on it

I accidentally left my wallet in my jeans when I put them in the wash...

I got busted for Money Laundering

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For someone with a penis, wearing skinny jeans is a lot like living in a cheap mansion...

There's no ballroom.

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