A high jumper walks into a bar

and is eliminated.

Who reads the fastest? ..... A suicide jumper....

Because he can finish 88 stories in 2 seconds flat.

Traditionally, we always have a family Christmas jumper...

...It's always my job to talk him down :/

When I was visiting Ireland, I saw a man in a prison jumper running through the street with a police officer chasing him. The officer caught up to him and grabbed him by the wrist, but then the man’s hand fell off and he got away.

I saw a real Irish leper con.

I used to say jokes out loud when I was a long jumper.

One day I crossed the line.

The Jumpers

The Jumpers

Three guys, an Italian guy, an American guy, and a Polish guy were working construction together on a high rise. Everyday at lunch, they would sit and eat together on an I-Beam, high above the city. Italian guy opens his lunch and says, "Man, I'm tired of getting the same meatball...

A jumper cable walked into a bar

The bartender said "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

Why did the bungee jumper hit the ground?

He didn't pay a tension.

A pair of obviously wasted jumper cables walks into a bar

and says to the bartender "gimmie a drink buddy."
The bartender looks him up and down and says, "alright, I will give you one drink. But you better not start something!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bra, a battery and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar ...

The bra goes to get the drinks but the barman refuses to serve them. The bra asks why. The barman says ".. you're off your tits and your mates look like they're going to start something".

What's every bungee-jumper's favorite pasta?

Farfalle

A blonde and a businessman are watching the 11 o'clock news when reports of a jumper on the roof comes on.

The businessman turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $20 that the guy jumps."

The blonde agrees and 5 minutes later the guy jumps. As the blonde takes out her wallet to pay the businessman, he says, "no it's ok, i saw this story on the 8 o'clock news and i knew that would happen."
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The jumper ....

A Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.
Sleazy driver says with sly grin "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job."
So, she does.
After she's finished, the trucker says,...

Did you hear about the bungee jumper who got kicked out of school?

He was suspended.

Say what you want about suicide jumpers.

I think they used all of their potential.

What's common between a bungee jumper and a hooker?

If the rubber snaps, you're screwed

What do pirates make their jumpers from?

Yaaaarn

My friend died when she saw a wild ox wearing a knitted jumper.

It was a Cardi Yak arrest.

A Jumper

On January 9 a group of Pekin IL , bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The Harley leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"...

Quasimodo goes to the doctors with back pain

The doctor tells him to remove his clothes, and he reluctantly agrees and starts undressing, and takes off 2 coats, then a jacket, then 7 jumpers, 3 tshirts, and reveals yet another coat...

The Doctor says "Hold on Quasi, hold on!", "why are you wearing so many clothes?"

Quasi says he...

Long ago there were two men, David and Nikolay the Wise

They were laying outside on a field one day comparing their intelligence when David turned to Nikolay.

He told Nikolay that he had a higher iq so he must be smarter. Nikolay just laughed and told him there was only one way to tell who was smarter. They must go to a canyon and cross it, the fi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Unbelievable

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down nex...

Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How much of a dickhead are you...

On a scale of 1 to Harvard Jumper?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Many years ago I tried to get into the local nightclub on a saturday night, but the guy on the door wouldn't let me in....

Many years ago I tried to get into the local nightclub on a saturday night, but the guy on the door wouldn't let me in because I wasn't wearing a tie. So I went back to my car and wrapped my jumper leads around my neck, and tried my luck again. The guy on the door said "o.k, you can come in, but don...

A guy goes skydiving for the first time...

... and while he's in the plane he's looking at his fellow jumpers. He's quite surprised when he sees that among them is a blind man, with his guide dog. After a bit of internal debate about minding his own business, curiosity wins out and he decides to just ask.

"Excuse me, but are you blind...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe

I've seen a couple of these already, but these are the top 10 funniest jokes from Edinburgh Fringe 2018:

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." - Adam Rowe

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it ...

Dress Code

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his t...

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a...

Why doesn't the Mexican Olympic team win many medals?

All their best runners, jumpers, and swimmers live in the United States.

A man walks up to a night club and tries to enter.

The bouncer turns him away saying he needs to wear a tie or something around his neck.

The man walks back to his car and comes back a few minutes later with some jumper cables around his neck.

The bouncer reluctantly lets him in saying, "alright, but don't start anything"

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?

a Wooly Jumper

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some Christians, Jews and Muslims decide to settle once and for all whose God is real

They decide to each send someone to jump from a cliff while shouting their God's name to prove it and if the jumper survives then their God is indeed real


Muslims decide to go first then the Jews followed finally by Christians.


The lone Muslim man selected by his people stands...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

List of the most offensive jokes I know.

What are some of the most offensive jokes you guys know?

* Whats better then winning silver at the special olympics?
Not being retarded

* Whats better then winning silver at the paralympics?
Walking

* Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?
Neither have they...

Who are the best readers in the world?

Suicide jumpers : hundreds of stories in a few seconds

A man walks into a restaurant and requests a table for one.

The host explains that the restaurant has a dress code, and men at minimum need to be wearing a tie. The man says, "Okay." and walks back out to his car to see if he has a tie in his back seat from the work week. He's looking and looking and can't find one. He pops the trunk and even searches in the...

Was denied entry to a fancy club for improper attire.

Bouncer is all like you need a jacket and tie to get in here bud. I know I've got a jacket in the car but no tie.Putting on the jacket I notice my nice new pair of jumper cables so I think ah what the hell and tie them around my neck.Go back up to the doors ask if I can go in now? Bouncer looks me u...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yo' Mama Jokes Battle!

I'll start!
Yo' Mama is so skanky, her dildo came with jumper cables.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it starts beating you with jumper cables.

Buddy's been driving all night, sees a roadside bar and stops for a much-needed cold beer.

Bouncer says "sorry bud, gotta have a tie to get in".
Buddy goes to his car, roots thru the trunk and can't find a tie. Grabs his jumper cables and wraps them around his neck.
Bouncer says "cool man, come on in...just don't start anything".



....I'll see myself out now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Physics oral exam in high school

Teacher: 'Sit down, please. Okay, let's start. You're travelling on a train and it's really hot. What do you do?'

Student 1: 'I open the window.'

Teacher: 'Excellent. The train's speed is 130 km/h and is going towards the north-north east. Outside, you have a south east wind of 25 km/h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to a bar in the top floor of a high rise building.

When he approches the bar, a man infront of him orders a scotch and proceeds to walk to the window where he jumps out. Shocked and horrified the man runs to the window and sees no sign of the man. He orders his drink and try to process what just happend.


About an hour later the window ju...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guess my age

It's Linda's 40th birthday, so she heads down to the shops to pick up supplies for the birthday BBQ she's having with some friends later on that day.
She heads to the supermarket first, fills the trolley with booze, the heads to the check-out. At the till the man notices the 'Happy Birthday' badg...

I used to think I was a fast reader

And I was quite proud of it until I heard about these so called "9- 11 Jumpers" who went through over 100 stories in 10 seconds


...Incoming repost comments

When i was a kid we played football on a bit of grass at the bottom of the bridge where people often committed suicide...

We used the jumpers for goalposts.

A man tries to get into a club

And the bouncer stops him,
"You can't come in sir, you need to have a tie."
"I don't even own a tie!" The man exclaimed.
"Well you'll have to get one if you want to get in." The bouncer replied.
The man shrugged and went back to his car. After thinking a while, he took the jumper cables ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A trucker was driving down the highway...

... when he came upon a bridge. On the railing was a woman, who appeared as if she was about to jump off. The trucker stopped, ran up to the woman and yelled, "No! Don't do this! It's not worth it!" The woman replied, "You can't stop me! One more step closer and I'm jumping for sure!" The trucker th...

Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics?

Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.