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A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

The Jumper

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or ...

What's the difference between a suicidal bungee jumper and a professional one?

Where they tie the rope.

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar

The bartender says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

A brain and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar and order a pitcher of beer.

The bartender refuses to serve them and asks them to leave.

When the brain asks why, the bartender says, "Well, you're clearly out of your head, and I think you're friend is going to try to start something!"

What is the difference between a sweater and a jumper?

Sweaters are hoping someone will talk them down from the ledge.

A guy has to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant, but he forgot his tie so he used jumper cables.

The maître d' says

"I'll let ya in, but don't start anything."

A bent nail, a battery, and jumper cables walk in to a bar.

The bent nail goes up to the bar and orders a round of shots for him and his buddies.

"I can't serve you." Says the bartender.

"Why not?" Asked the nail with frustration in his voice.

The bartender responds: "Because you look hammered and your friends look like they are trying...

Why did the bungee jumper hit the ground?

He didn't pay a tension.

A high jumper walks into a bar

and is eliminated.

A jumper I got for my birthday kept picking up static electricity.

So I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one.


Free of charge

What's the last thing that goes through a bridge jumpers' mind after they jump?

Their tibias

What is a bungee jumper's least favourite app?

 

 


Discord.

 

In my family it's traditional to have a Christmas jumper

and it's my job to talk them down.

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

A whooly jumper

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The jumper ....

A Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.
Sleazy driver says with sly grin "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job."
So, she does.
After she's finished, the trucker says,...

The Jumpers

The Jumpers

Three guys, an Italian guy, an American guy, and a Polish guy were working construction together on a high rise. Everyday at lunch, they would sit and eat together on an I-Beam, high above the city. Italian guy opens his lunch and says, "Man, I'm tired of getting the same meatball...

Who reads the fastest? ..... A suicide jumper....

Because he can finish 88 stories in 2 seconds flat.

I used to say jokes out loud when I was a long jumper.

One day I crossed the line.

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Man walks into a bar on the roof of the Time Warner Center

After a few drinks he looks across at the second tower with awe, and notices a gentleman with black glasses doing the same. "Pretty cool, huh?" He says to him.

"Oh, you don't know the half of it...Did you know they specifically engineered these buildings to catch the wind and create an updraf...

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I was doing 65 in a 35 zone when a cop pulled me over.

Officer approaches the car. "License and registration, please."


"I would, officer, but...this car is stolen. Oh, and full disclosure, there's a loaded pistol in the glove box."


"Sir, I'm going to need you to step out of the car."


As I'm getting out, I also le...

A pair of obviously wasted jumper cables walks into a bar

and says to the bartender "gimmie a drink buddy."
The bartender looks him up and down and says, "alright, I will give you one drink. But you better not start something!"

What do pirates make their jumpers from?

Yaaaarn

A blonde and a businessman are watching the 11 o'clock news when reports of a jumper on the roof comes on.

The businessman turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $20 that the guy jumps."

The blonde agrees and 5 minutes later the guy jumps. As the blonde takes out her wallet to pay the businessman, he says, "no it's ok, i saw this story on the 8 o'clock news and i knew that would happen."
...

A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.

The dock hand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”

“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”

“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dock hand.

“I d...

What's every bungee-jumper's favorite pasta?

Farfalle

Two guys go bungee jumping on a bridge in Mexico

The first guy gets his gear all on and steps up to jump, he jumps down and comes back up, and his face is bloody?...
So down and up again and his face is even more bloody...
down and up again and his face is swollen, bloody and bruised so his friend grabs him and say “are you okay what happe...

Who are the worlds fastest readers

The 911 jumpers, one hundred stories in a few seconds

Did you hear about the bungee jumper who got kicked out of school?

He was suspended.

Say what you want about suicide jumpers.

I think they used all of their potential.

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

What's common between a bungee jumper and a hooker?

If the rubber snaps, you're screwed

A man walks into a bar on the 50th floor

As he goes through the door, a slight chime sounds. He heads for the bar and orders a beer. As time goes by, he hears the chime again, and turns to see another man arriving. The other man immediately heads for the bar, and orders a double scotch on the rocks.

The other man empties the glass i...

Americans have a strange dialect.

It's all "sneakers" instead of "trainers"...

... and "sweater" instead of "jumper"...

... and "shooting range" instead of "high school"...

Why does Mexico never win gold in the Olympics?

Because the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are already in America

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Three pregnant women are sitting around the waiting room the their OBGYN...

Three pregnant women are sitting around the waiting room at their OBGYN knitting jumpers for their expected babies. One woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a handful of pills and Swallows them. The other mothers look at her with disapproval stares and she says, "Oh no, these are just prenatal...

My friend died when she saw a wild ox wearing a knitted jumper.

It was a Cardi Yak arrest.

A Jumper

On January 9 a group of Pekin IL , bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The Harley leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"...

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was trimming my beard with my jumper today

it was a **clothes** shave...

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Little Johnny tells a story.

So little Johnny was in class at school and the teacher asks the class to tell her a story with a moral to it.
Little Suzie stands up and says "miss I know one, what do elephants use as tampons?"
Teacher says "I don't know". Little Suzie replies "sheep".
The teacher then asks but what's ...

What do you call a kangaroo whos in love with a sheep?

A wolly jumper

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My buddies and I where out for a night on the town.

We ended up at a high end bar with a dress code.All my buddies being the suave dudes they are where dressed accordingly with suits and ties but I alas was not. See you on the other side fucker they all yelled out as they went in laughing. Well there I was, out in the cold left out,abandoned.Not to b...

There was a contest in high jumps in pool

(small explaantion before joke start - in my contry Bosnian man are usually laughing stock )

There was a contest in high jumps in pool!

Winner will be the one who disturbs less water in pool and fewer drops of water get out of the pool.

Three man applied - man from USA, man from...

Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

Quasimodo goes to the doctors with back pain

The doctor tells him to remove his clothes, and he reluctantly agrees and starts undressing, and takes off 2 coats, then a jacket, then 7 jumpers, 3 tshirts, and reveals yet another coat...

The Doctor says "Hold on Quasi, hold on!", "why are you wearing so many clothes?"

Quasi says he...

Long ago there were two men, David and Nikolay the Wise

They were laying outside on a field one day comparing their intelligence when David turned to Nikolay.

He told Nikolay that he had a higher iq so he must be smarter. Nikolay just laughed and told him there was only one way to tell who was smarter. They must go to a canyon and cross it, the fi...

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a...

Train conductor who killed a pedestrian gets asked why he didn't stop in time

'Jumper to bumper traffic you know'

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How much of a dickhead are you...

On a scale of 1 to Harvard Jumper?

A guy goes skydiving for the first time...

... and while he's in the plane he's looking at his fellow jumpers. He's quite surprised when he sees that among them is a blind man, with his guide dog. After a bit of internal debate about minding his own business, curiosity wins out and he decides to just ask.

"Excuse me, but are you blind...

A man walks up to a bar...

... and the bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looking for a tie; only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!".

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