Why did Reddit have a rapid implosion/explosion this afternoon?

I heard it had something to do with supermassive bodies.

Rapid guy in a bar

Guy walks into a bar, clearly in a hurry.
Sits in front of bartender and shouts to him:


*- Give me a shot! Faster, faster, before it starts!*


Bartender in a little shock fills a shot for him and he drinks it right away.


*- Give me another one! Faster, faster, befo...

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking o...

What do you call the rapid growth of Indian cities?

Turbanisation

CIA Entrance Test

3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to sho...

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A bricklayer wrote to the worker's compensation board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional
information. In block number three of the accident report form, I put “trying to do the job alone” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details...

A buddy of mine

went into a corner bar in NYC and asked for five shots of vodka.

I guess the bartender thought he was ordering them for friends or something, but after he poured them, my buddy just slammed them all in rapid succession -- BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM.

Bartender gave him a look of incredulity ...

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A fish sees a fly over the river.

The fish says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches then I could catch it and have a great meal.” Little did the fish know, a bear was slowly creeping up on the riverbed and saw the fish watching the fly. The bear said “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish would jump...

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

Belated halloween joke

One moonless night, a man is walking home from the pub. He's whistling to himself and enjoying the cool night air when he hears a distant thumping behind him. He thinks nothing of it and continues on his way.

Soon, he notices that the thumping noise is getting louder..

"thump.. thump.....

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Words of wisdom from a WW2 veteran. (from /r/military)

If you encounter a unit you can't identify, fire a shot above their head so it won't hit anyone.

If their response consists of rapid, precise, and controlled fire. They're British.

If their response is a shitstorm of machine gun fire. They're German.

If they throw down their gun...

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A man walks up to the bar and orders 5 shots of tequila.

He downs each one in rapid succession then orders two more. After finishing his drinks the bartender asks amazed, "Wow, something big happen today?" the man replies, "Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Congratulations!" the bartender says, "Here's another shot, on me!"

"No thanks, if seven shot...

Weight loss

A guy learns about a new workout method - rapid weight reduction guaranteed. He calls the company, they make an appointment for the standard package .

At the given time it knocks on his door. He opens and there is this really nice girl in a tight running outfit - she winks at him and says- ...

Two men are walking down the street when they notice an enormous hole

The hole appears bottomless and the men, being men, want to see how deep it is. They find an anvil near by, grab a side each, shuffle over to the hole and chuck it in. The anvil drops like a stone but makes absolutely no noise. The men look at each other with a puzzled expression. Suddenly they hear...

21st birthday

A little boy is born with a terrible birth defect - he has only a head, no torso, no limbs.

On his 21st birthday, his friends take him to the bar to celebrate. One of them pours his first beer down his throat - and poof! All of a sudden, a neck and torso pop out of his head.

His fri...

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

In order to concentrate superior combat strength in one place,
economy of force must be exercised in other places.
Economy of force requires the acceptance of prudent risks in
selected areas to achieve superiority at the point of decision.
One account has it that Napoleon allowed a subor...

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A teacher, a lawyer, and a Catholic priest are on a plane.

One of the plane's engines fails, and the plane begins to go down. During the rapid descent, the teacher stands up and exclaims, "We must save the children!". The lawyer then stands and says, "Fuck the children!". Upon hearing this, the Catholic priest rises and asks, "Do we have time?!".

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Celebration.

Young man goes into a bar and says, "Bartender, three shots of Goldschlagger."

The bartender pours the drinks and the young man drinks them in rapid succession, grimacing with each shot, and then asks for another.

The bartender says, "Sure, kid. What's the occasion?"

The young m...

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At the Pearly Gates

An Evangelical Christian dies and is taken up to the Pearly Gates where St Peter is waiting to greet him. St Peter informs him that he has one last wish he can request before stepping through the Gates. The Evangelical thinks about it for a minute, looks at St Peter and says, "You know, there is one...

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Letter home from summer camp

Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened...

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Farmer's Fetish (VERY NSFW)

Once upon a time there lived an elderly, wise old farmer, who was horny as fuck. Seriously, it gets pretty lonely out there in the sticks.

Anyway, one day he purchased a new milking machine for his cows which promised rapid, efficient delivery of a near-endless supply of dairy goodness by att...

A man hears a loud, rhythmic thumping on his walk home...

He turns around to see what is causing the commotion, and the sound immediately stops. Seeing nothing but a large casket, and rather confused, he continues on his way home.
Though he is sure there is nothing causing the racket, he is convinced he is still hearing the noise. The man cleans his ear...

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Not sure if this is the right place for this but it was suggested I cross-post here (from ShittyPoetry). So here's my holiday story, 'Twas The Night Before Fapmas. Enjoy!

'Twas the night before Fapmas, alone in my house

One hand on my penis, the other on the mouse

Her stockings were drawn up to her tight thighs with care

And above her lady bits she had shaved off her hair

The actress was disrobed all bare on her bed

When entered a h...

The neighbors (I've only heard it told in Russian but don't know if it's originally Russian)

Yuriy is walking along the sidewalk one day when he notices posters advertising a competition for the whole town. The contestants have to swim across a river which no one has ever crossed before due to extreme rapids and plant the town's coat of arms in order to impress incoming administrative offi...

12 Shots

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up twelve shots of whiskey. The bartender places twelve shot glasses on the table and begins to fill them.
Halfway through, the man starts grabbing the shots and slamming them back in rapid succession, finishing the last one just after the ...

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Lousy elephant jokes

These are best all told in rapid succession:

--------

How do you fit four elephants in a VW Bug?

Two in the front, one in the back, one in the glove compartment.

-----------
How can you tell if there's an elephant hiding in your refrigerator?

There's a set of fo...

Two blondes were tubing down a river...

Two blondes were tubing down a river when they got pulled into the rapids. Their tubes capsized and floated off without them and they ended up on opposite sides of the river.

One yells to the other, "How do I get to the other side?"

The other yells back, "You're on the other side!"

What do you call an Anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese!
-From *Cedar Rapids* the movie

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