Doctor, please hurry!

>!Please be patient!<

A guy rushes into a bar, in a hurry

He asks the bartender, "Quickly! How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender replies "I don't know, three feet. Why?"

The guy says "Oh my god, I think I just ran over a nun!"

My girlfriend was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"

I said "Because you're Russian me."

Guy walks into a bar and says I need 6 shots of Jack quick!...quicker... Hurry dammit!!!

Come on man, you'd be drinking quick too, if you had what I have!!!

So the bartender offers up the shots 'If you don't mind me asking... What is that you have?'

Man looks him in the eye, whiskey dripping off his chin and says... 40 cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
‟Ben is in a hurry.”
‟Ben is in a coma.”

What do you call a European man in a hurry?

He’s Russian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

‟Hurry!” she said. ‟Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. ‟Do not move until I tell you to,” she whispered. ‟Just pretend you are a statue.”

‟What‘s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‟Oh, ...

What does a squid say when it’s in a hurry?

Lets get Kraken

Alex Trebek died shortly after Sean Connery.

He had to hurry and get to heaven before Connery found his Mother.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry...

...to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."

The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."

The black man smiles, looks at the white m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So John is driving across a long bridge. He's in a hurry and exceeding the speed limit. As he approached the end of the bridge there is a state trooper with a radar gun. John gets pulled over. The trooper comes to his window and says, you were 15 over. John replies, I'm a doctor and I have a patient

That desperately needs my help. Last month I helped him stretch his ass hole to 18 inches. 3 weeks ago I stretched it to 36 inches, two weeks ago it was 48 inches. Last week it was 60 inches. Now I'm going to stretch it to 72 inches. The trooper asks what is a 72 inch (6 foot) asshole going to do. J...

A man in a hurry goes to a diner and ordered a pancake

He asked, “Will it be long?”

The cook replied, “No, it’ll be round.”

My daughter made this tonight: What's the favourite song of sloths?

Don't Hurry, Be Happy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are porn actresses always in a hurry.

Because they working against the cock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Dylan, a Welsh farmer who'd had a few too many headed to the pub's men's room when nature called.....

While standing at the urinal trough he suddenly had a puzzled look on his face. He quickly finished his business and ran out to speak to the bartender. Leaning in close he whispered to the bartender:

"I know I'm pretty drunk, but I swear I saw a black guy with a white dick in the bathroom! Hu...

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she s...

I took a cab and told the cabbie I was in a hurry...

The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.

I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?"

"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way."

We ...

My doctor told me that the coronavirus cure wasn’t ready yet. It told him to hurry it up because...

Everybody wants to be a kung-flu fighter

Three thieves are in a house...

Three thieves are in a house when suddenly they hear someone come through the door. In a hurry to hide as soon as possible, each finds a gunny sack to hide inside. When the owner comes in and finds three unfamiliar sacks, he kicks the first one, the thief inside thinks quick and makes a sound simila...

A man calls 911 in a hurry. "911, what's your emergency?" the operator asks. "My wife has just gone into labor," the man tells her.

"Is this her first-born child?" asks the operator.
"No," the man replies. "This is her husband."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband....

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I sa...

The Lantern

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County, Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
As there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here..You hold this high so I can see wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Voodoo Dildo

A police officer pulls over a man who is speeding. The officer approaches the car and says ‘where are you headed to in such a hurry?’ The man replies ‘I was given this magical voodoo dildo that you command with your voice. Whatever you say, the dildo will do. I’m rushing home to share this with my w...

One friend asks another "do you like threesome?"

\- "Of course!"

\- "Then hurry back home. Maybe you'll get on time."

A blind guy was in a hurry

I call that a hurricane

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was having an affair.

One rainy day she was in bed with her BF when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

Woman: 'OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window'.

BF: It's raining out there!'

Woman: 'If my husband catches us, he'll kill us!.

BF jumps out of the window!...

Husband: Darling, could you get my cane?

We need to go, there is a tornado outside.

No, not that cane





I need my....... Hurry-cane

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

You ever misplace your belt when you're in a hurry?

I was rushing to work this morning and I couldn't find my belt for the life of me. I really couldn't leave without one so I thought "Hey, I have a lot of watches so maybe I could MacGyver a belt from these!" Well let me tell you... when I got to work I was fired for one, being late, and two, looking...

Lee, Lifeson, and Peart aren't in any hurry to do anything these days

There's no Rush.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

65 in a 35

Buddies Joke Today.

I was doing 65 in a 35 zone when a cop pulled me over.
Officer approaches the car. "License and registration, please."

"I would, officer, but...this car is stolen. Oh, and full disclosure, there's a loaded pistol in the glove box."

"Sir, I'm going to need ...

What is wind?

Air in a hurry.

(My godmother told me that this joke back in 1930s used to be a sure fire starter)

Oh Sarah, I wish you'd get off.

Jeb and Sarah were farmers who had just loaded their vegetables onto their wagon to head into town to sell their harvest.

As the wagon bumped and jostled down the road, Jeb was starled when Sarah hollered, Jeb hurry up and kiss me quick! Jeb was surprised, but welcomed the affection and ablig...

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming, don't stop the car!.. We won't make it!.. We won't!.. Can't!" "Driver, hurry!" I yelled..

"Her contractions are getting closer together!"

What do you call a dinosaur that's always in a hurry?

A pronto-saurus.

Two kids are hurrying to school on their bikes to get there for their maths exam.

They get into a car accident on the way and have to be rushed to hospital.

In hospital they're surrounded by friends and family, and their maths teacher keeps trying to get into the room and is repeatedly told off by the doctors.

Later that night the teacher sneaks in. Waking the kids...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe was having a beer in his town bar when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic and started shouting

"Hurry up! Your wife is cheating on your with your best friend in the woods out back!"

Joe slammed his beer glass down on the counter and stormed off to the woods, angry and furious to see it for himself

He returns after a short while, Sit on his chair and continues drinking.

...

One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says, “Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”

Billy Bob replies, “Well, sheriff, it’s a long story!”
The sheriff says he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy Bob should tell the story.

Billy Bob continues, “Well, sheriff, me and Mary Lou were down on the farm and we started cuddling. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.
...

I called the doctor and said, “Hurry! My wife’s going into labour! What must I do?”

The doctor said, “is this her first child?”

I said, “no, this is her husband!”

I told my wife to hurry up and get off of her period.

So she can get on my exclamation mark.

I’m in a huge hurry!

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. I don't have time to wa...

What are you called when you're rich and in a hurry to rig the U.S. election?

A Russian Oligarch.

Two blondes leave a restaurant and realize they’ve locked their keys in the car.

The husband fiddles with the door but isn’t having any luck.

The wife says “I know! I’ll run inside and see if they have a coat hanger that we can use to Jimmy the lock!”

The husband replies “Great idea! But hurry, because it’s about to rain and the top is down!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pilot

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today
and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

He forgets to switch off the inte...

Got home from work tired and fell into the couch. Ask my wife to bring me a beer, said hurry it's about to start

Hollered for a second beer, quick it's going to start any minute. Called for a third, it's just about to start, any second now. She storms in and starts yelling, all you do is lay on that couch and drink beer, you don't pay attention to me, you don't play with the kids, you don't do any chores aroun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: Two guys in the shower

Two guys are in the shower having sex and the phone rings.
"I have to answer that, I'll be right back" says the first guy.
"Omg, hurry up." Says the second guy.
"I will don't cum without me." The first guys says back.
He hurries down and gets the call. He finishes and heads back upstair...

We've all seen the news, so hurry up and get your abortion jokes out now

It's going to get uncomfortable if the subject isn't terminated within about 6 weeks from now

A soldier and a citizen are sharing a cigarette in soviet Moscow one evening when they see a man hurrying down the street...

"Hey! You there! Stop, comrade!" says the soldier.

The man continues to rush down the street, nearly at a full run.

"I said STOP!" shouts the soldier as he shoulders his rifle.

The man continues his rush down the street as a crack thunders through the air and the man falls to t...

Heard about the train that was in a hurry to deliver coffee? What was it called?

Expresso!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets diarrhea and decides to ask for help to his neighbor who happens to be a doctor.

He crosses the road and rings to the door.
The neighbor welcomes him in:

“Hey, how are you? Sorry if I’m in a hurry but I need to leave in half an hour and I’m still packing. Do you need anything?”

“Oh, I didn’t know, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to ask for advice really quick...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two strangers bump into each other

The one guy says to the other guy: "Oh sorry dude, I'm in a hurry since I lost my girlfriend in this huge supermarket."

"That's no problem man," says the other guy. "But I can't find my girlfriend neither!"

"Oh really? How does she look like?" asks the one guy.

The other guy say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not enough room in heaven

3 men suddenly appear at the same time at the pearly gates. God comes over to the trio and informs them that Heaven has room for just one more today. Whichever man has the worst story will get in.

The first man begins “So get this: I’ve been pretty sure my wife’s been cheating on me for a wh...

What do you call a South American girl who's always in a hurry?

Urgent Tina

A Beaver Story

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20
year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think
about that?"

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever i see someone struggling, i think of what my grandfather used to tell me..

Hurry the fck up you useless piece of shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving his new BMW to a special event when he notices it start to break down.

He pushes it to a shop and is greeted by a mechanic.
Mechanic: What seems to be the problem?
Man: I don’t know! I was driving and it just died. I’m really in a hurry. Can you help me?
Mechanic: Yeah. Give me a few minutes.
A few minutes later the mechanic comes back....
Mechanic: Seem...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everythi...

Two guys always order the noodle soup at “Kyoto soup restaurant”

Two guys always order the noodle soup at “Kyoto soup restaurant”. Every time they order the soup the same person always serves them.
“Hey ching chong hurry up will you” the first man always says. ...

A taxi driver usually picked up his passengers from red light districts (area of escort houses and prostitution).

One day while waiting for passenger, a completely naked girl with no single piece of cloth on her body gets inside the cab at mid night. The girl says to the driver, "Take me to this .... address please". The driver turns back and looks at the girl top to bottom curiously. The girl asks," Is somethi...

There’s a special type of people who are always in a hurry.

The Rushians.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never trust people that are in a hurry to go to the bathroom.

They're full of shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather told me this joke and thought it was pretty funny.

Plane is about to take off, and the people are all taken their seats.The captain starts up the plane, and announces to the crew ,"Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your Captain speaking. We will be flying at thirty-nine thousand feet on our flight from Atlanta to London. We are expecti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When we’re in a hurry, why do we say “oh shit, I need to pee.”?

But we never say, “oh pee, I need to shit.”?

A pilot is flying a plane and shortly after mid-air announcement , forgets to turn off the mic.

He then mentions to his copilot : "I am dating that cute air hostess. After we land , we will go to the hotel and bang. "
The air hostess after hearing this runs towards the front of the plane at full speed to tell the pilot to turn off the mic and hits a blind man's stick and falls down.
The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old, washed up actor was excited to get a bit part in a play.

It was a period piece, and he was playing a guard on duty, cannons would fire and he would say, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!". On opening night he was late to get to the theater and was in a rush. As he got back stage the doorman stopped him and he said, "I'm hark, I hear the cannons roar!". "Hur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with the priest's wife

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees.
After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to k...

No hurry!

Three traitors were captured in the war and were about to face a firing squad. Before their execution they were asked what they would like to eat for their last meal.

The first prisoner asked for a juicy steak. He was served the steak and then taken away to be shot.

The second prison...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God creating critters

Angel: *Hey God, you gotta minute?*

God: *What's Zzzupp bobby, my compadre!*

Angel: *Its Jose, but whatever, can we go over your most recent animal submission*

God: *Yeah, but hurry, Fox 911 is about to come on*

Angel: *Ummm ok, 8 legs, mysterious, can be poisonous, eats ...

Why was Batman in a hurry?

He had to go to the Batroom.

Another joke translated from Arabic

A man was walking home from work when he got in a car accident

His wife comes in a hurry to the hospital and asks the Doctor how he’s doing the Doctor says

“We got him out of intensive care but he died”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this...

Three people are standing in a queue

The last one is visibly nervous and asks the person in front of him:
\- I needs to go before you. Please, me is in a hurry.
\- OK, sure, but why are you talking so weirdly?
\- Because me is a third person.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Trooper was running a speed trap under a bridge...

...and pulls over a car that he caught going 100mph.

The Trooper asked the driver why was he in such a hurry.

The driver explains he was a rectum-stretcher and running late for work.

"What the hell is a rectum-stretcher?" Asked the the Trooper

"Well, you see," began the d...

the servers were in such a hurry to set up the hors d'oeuvre tray that they forgot the crackers

they were cracka lackin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men arrive to the Heaven's Gates...

...and are asked by St. Peter, how did they found their final fate.
The 1st man steps forward:
"Well,see, I long suspected that my wife been cheating on me, so today I "left for work", only to come back half an hour later. And what do I see -- my wife naked in bed, and some asshole below our w...

The Black Ranger

A man on holiday walks into a bar at 11 pm and asks the bartender for a pint.
The bartenders says to him 'Sorry my friend I'm closed.'
The man replies 'Closed? But it's only 11 pm! How can you be closed at this hour already? Just give me my pint!' To which the bartender exclaims 'A no is...

The local drunk rushes into his favorite bar

The local drunk rushes into his favorite bar and yells at the bar man "Hurry up and give me a bear I got a scary feeling of claustrophobia"

The bar man goes "Claustrophobia? Do you even know what that means?"

The drunk responds "Oh look at this genius that knows everything, Claustropho...

What did the doctor say to the short guy in a hurry?

You're going to have to be a little patient.

Does the five-second rule apply to soup? Please hurry.

Edit: Nevermind.

A CEO went on a rock climbing trip with one of his employees.

The CEO, an experienced climber, reached the top of a difficult section and was holding a rope tied to both men. As the employee was climbing up, he lost his grip, and was only saved by the strength of the CEO who was barely able to hang on. The CEO yelled, "Hurry, I'm losing my grip!", but the empl...

Why are unemployed doctors always in such a hurry?

Because they don't have any patients

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Ther Hunter

Jim and Carl are sitting up their post. Jim looks through his finder for a moment. Then he asks: "Carl, what would you do if your wife cheated on you?"
Carl: "I'd shoot her in the head."
Jim: "what would you do with her lover?"
Carl: "I'd shoot his balls off"
Jim looks at Carl: "If you h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rectum Stretcher

I was on my way to work a few months ago and I'm going under an overpass. A cop pulls out, flips on the siren and sex lights, so we pull over. He sidles up to my window and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"35?" I ask, knowing it's a 35 mph zone.

"Radar has you going 37," h...

If you're ever in a hurry...

Put your fidget spinner on your dash, then just use the handicapped parking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For a good time go bowling

A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.