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Hurry Jokes

How do you get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool in a hurry?

Say: "Would everyone please get out of the swimming pool."

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A priest is in a hurry...

He runs from his home and hails a cab. When he gets in he tells the taxi driver "I'm in a huge hurry, if I don't get to the airport in 20 minutes I will miss my flight!"

"No problem" Says the taxi driver and then he floors it. He drives like a maniac through the city, dogging in and out of tr...

3 blonde women walk out of a building.

When they reach their car they realize that they forgot the keys in the car.

The first one said:"I'll go see if anyone has a metal coat hanger to pick the lock".

The second one objected: "If you do that people will think we are stealing the car".

The third one exclaimed:"Hurry u...

A Rabbi is Traveling.

On his way, he stops through the town of Trid. As he walks through the town, he notices how empty it is. All the windows are shuttered and the doors are bolted shut. Eventually, he makes it to the center of town, where he finds a man hurrying through the streets.

“Excuse me, sir!” the rabbi c...

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A carer was doing her rounds in the care home

When she passed the room of Mrs Phillips. Glancing in as she passed, she saw Mrs Phillips sucking on her husbands penis. Hurrying in, she said:

"Mrs Phillips, you can't do that!"

"Why not? I enjoy it." Mrs Phillips replied.

"Yes." Said the nurse, "but it was meant to be buried w...

Always Be A Good Listener & don't be in hurry...

There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds, the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"
...

Why is it a bad idea to tell a Ukrainian woman to hurry up?

Because you shouldn’t Russia.

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A snobby young couple was walking through Central Park, discussing their massive credit card and mortgage debt.

As they worried about how to continue their rich lifestyle, a grubby homeless guy appears from behind a bush. He says, “Pssst! hey! I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you let me lick your wife’s boobs.”

The couple were appalled and hurry away. After a few seconds, the wife whispers, “You kn...

Mrs. Johnson

There was a lady who was cheating on her husband with a boyfriend. One day while they were getting intimate she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she start...

An old VW beetle broke down in the middle of a highway

"Looks like it's out of gas", said a rich guy who had stopped to help the Beetle driver. "I'll hook you up here in my Ferrari to the next gas station", he continued.
"Oh thank God for your mercy, can't thank you enough"
"No problemo! I'm not in a hurry anyway!"
"Oh, that sure would be a pro...

Why do bees stay in their hives in winter?

Swarm.

What did they bee say to his wife when they were running late for dinner?

Hurry up honey.

A twofer

A priest and a lawyer are on a ferry boat along with a bunch of kids who are on a field trip. The ferry boat hits a rock and starts to sink. The priest and the lawyer lower a lifeboat. The lawyer jumps in, and yells, "Get in! Hurry up!"

The priest says, "What about the kids?"

The lawye...

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

You are what you eat

son: if you eat a lot of bananas will that make you go bananas?
Dad: hmm maybe. Your brother eats a lot of corn and he’s corny. Your sister eats a lot of cheese and she’s cheesy. Your mother eats a lot of nuts and she’s nuts and I eat.. I guess you could say I’m a scaredy cat
Son: huh?
Da...

What did the axe murderer say when he was in a hurry?

Chop chop.

Putin steps away from the war room to use the restroom...

As he sits he hears alarms and red flashes fill the bunker. He hears his men running around and without hesitation he jumps up, pulls up his pants and runs our to see what the commotion is.

He asks the next in command the situation: "ICBM Mr President!"

Putin replies "I WAS IN A HURR...

Physical

An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “

“I've never been better!” he boasted. “I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a mome...

«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with...

Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long?

Waiter: No sir, round.

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Two guys were out hunting; one of them, Ralph, goy bit on the penis by a snake.

While Ralph writhed on the ground, the other guy, Ted, called poison control and asked what to do to save his friend.
The guy on the phone tells Ted that he needs to score the bite and then suck the poison out.
After a few uh-huhs and nods, Ted hangs up the phone and looks at Ralph with big s...

My girlfriend was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"

I said "Because you're Russian me."

A man was idling in the street, bored, when he saw a man selling apples close by

He approached the man, and asked, "How much do these apples cost?". The vendor replied, "An apple costs $1 and an apple seed costs $2.". Confused, the man asked, "Why are you selling the seeds? and why are they so expensive?". The vendor said, "Apple seeds are actually known to make you so much time...

I took a cab and told the cabbie I was in a hurry...

The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.

I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?"

"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way."

We ...

Never ask an undertaker for something to get you out of a jam in a hurry.

They always give you the last thing you need.

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State trooper pulls over a cargo truck driver for speeding and asks, “What’s your hurry?”

Truck driver says, “I’m hauling ass.”

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This guy was cruising along a deserted Texas highway on his way to work..

doing 92 mph in an 85 zone. As he crests a slight hill he gets nailed by a highway patrolman running radar. Easing over onto the shoulder and coming to a stop, the officer walks up to the car and asks "License and registration please, and where the hell are you going in such a hurry?"

The...

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A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.

Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."

"Oh my," the teacher gasps ...

A businessman is hurrying home on the motorway after a hard days work...

when he is stopped by a policeman.
"Do you know you were driving 30 mph over the limit?" asks the policeman.
"Eh, actually no, officer, it's a big car and it just sort of coasts along... you know."
"And what were you planning on doing if you met Mr Fog?" demands the policeman.
"Well," sa...

A bartender's slow afternoon is interrupted by the sudden clatter of the door being pushed open by a man in a big hurry.

The man is clearly distraught. In between deep breaths, he manages to say, "Quick, barkeep... I need four shots of... (*gasp gasp*)... your best whiskey... (*gasp gasp*)... Hurry, please!"

The bartender spring into action, and within two shakes of a lamb's tail, he has four shots of his top-s...

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry...

...to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocke...

A guy rushes into a bar, in a hurry

He asks the bartender, "Quickly! How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender replies "I don't know, three feet. Why?"

The guy says "Oh my god, I think I just ran over a nun!"

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

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Eyes on the prize

It was a slow night at the Casino, just a few regulars playing the slots…

Two bored dealers were standing at the "mini-craps" table when out of nowhere, an incredibly attractive blonde woman from South Alabama placed a $5,000 bet on a single roll of the dice.
With a deep southern drawl, ...

At Friday night services, Morris asks his friend Irving.

"I need a favor, I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"

Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris' life-long friend, he reluctantly agrees. After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sor...

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So John is driving across a long bridge. He's in a hurry and exceeding the speed limit. As he approached the end of the bridge there is a state trooper with a radar gun. John gets pulled over. The trooper comes to his window and says, you were 15 over. John replies, I'm a doctor and I have a patient

That desperately needs my help. Last month I helped him stretch his ass hole to 18 inches. 3 weeks ago I stretched it to 36 inches, two weeks ago it was 48 inches. Last week it was 60 inches. Now I'm going to stretch it to 72 inches. The trooper asks what is a 72 inch (6 foot) asshole going to do. J...

Two kids are hurrying to school on their bikes to get there for their maths exam.

They get into a car accident on the way and have to be rushed to hospital.

In hospital they're surrounded by friends and family, and their maths teacher keeps trying to get into the room and is repeatedly told off by the doctors.

Later that night the teacher sneaks in. Waking the kids...

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

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A guy gets pulled over for speeding

The officer asks "why are you in such a hurry?"

"I'm late for work" he says

"What do you do for work?" The officer asks

He goes "I'm a rectum stretcher"

Startled the officer asks "so what's the process there?"

"Ah, well it's really simple, we start with a finger...

I called the doctor and said, “Hurry! My wife’s going into labour! What must I do?”

The doctor said, “is this her first child?”

I said, “no, this is her husband!”

My doctor told me that the coronavirus cure wasn’t ready yet. It told him to hurry it up because...

Everybody wants to be a kung-flu fighter

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming, don't stop the car!.. We won't make it!.. We won't!.. Can't!" "Driver, hurry!" I yelled..

"Her contractions are getting closer together!"

A soldier and a citizen are sharing a cigarette in soviet Moscow one evening when they see a man hurrying down the street...

"Hey! You there! Stop, comrade!" says the soldier.

The man continues to rush down the street, nearly at a full run.

"I said STOP!" shouts the soldier as he shoulders his rifle.

The man continues his rush down the street as a crack thunders through the air and the man falls to t...

Why was the comrade in a hurry?

Because he was Russian

What are you called when you're rich and in a hurry to rig the U.S. election?

A Russian Oligarch.

What did the inpatient woman tell the Uber driver?

Hurry up. I’m in desperate need of a Lyft.

A man in a hurry goes to a diner and ordered a pancake

He asked, “Will it be long?”

The cook replied, “No, it’ll be round.”

I told my wife to hurry up and get off of her period.

So she can get on my exclamation mark.

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A man comes back home from work.

Sits down in his favourite chair, turns on the TV and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looks a little confused, but brings him his beer.

As soon as he's done, he yells at his wife again:,,Hurry, bring me another beer. It's gonna start any second now!"...

What do you call a South American girl who's always in a hurry?

Urgent Tina

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Happy Monsoon!

A lady was having an affair.
One rainy day she was in bed with her BF when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.
BF: It's raining out there!'

Lady: 'If my hubby catches us, he'll kill us!.

BF jumps out of t...

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Never trust people that are in a hurry to go to the bathroom.

They're full of shit.

Lee, Lifeson, and Peart aren't in any hurry to do anything these days

There's no Rush.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

I’m in a huge hurry!

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. I don't have time to wa...

You ever misplace your belt when you're in a hurry?

I was rushing to work this morning and I couldn't find my belt for the life of me. I really couldn't leave without one so I thought "Hey, I have a lot of watches so maybe I could MacGyver a belt from these!" Well let me tell you... when I got to work I was fired for one, being late, and two, looking...

A group of engineering teachers walk onto a plane..

..the teachers were on their way to an engineering confrence. The pilot came on the intercom and welcomed the teachers on board. He then said, "Teachers, we have word that your students completed all the math and physics that went into building this plane."

In a hurry, all the teachers rushe...

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A guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says "I need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a semen sample."

The guy says, "Look doc, I'm kind of in a hurry. How about I just leave you my underwear?"

Does the five-second rule apply to soup? Please hurry.

Edit: Nevermind.

Heard about the train that was in a hurry to deliver coffee? What was it called?

Expresso!

What did the doctor say to the short guy in a hurry?

You're going to have to be a little patient.

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's fine" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything! What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar!," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

Hurry get up and jump out the window

A couple was in bed sleeping, when suddenly the woman hears a door slam outside, she wakes up scared and tells the man sleeping with her:
Hurry get up and jump out the window, its my husband!
The man half asleep gets up in a hurry and jumps out the window.
Five minutes latter he walks back ...

Punishment

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.~~~The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely sl...

As I arrived at work this morning, I saw a flower delivery truck parked outside my building, and a guy was frantically taking flowers from the truck to inside and was in an obvious hurry, so I encouraged him by shouting...

"Run, florist, run!"

There’s a special type of people who are always in a hurry.

The Rushians.

Why are unemployed doctors always in such a hurry?

Because they don't have any patients

Football

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous. "There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. ...

If you're ever in a hurry...

Put your fidget spinner on your dash, then just use the handicapped parking.

the servers were in such a hurry to set up the hors d'oeuvre tray that they forgot the crackers

they were cracka lackin

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A woman is enjoying herself with her lover and hears keys rattle in the door.

"Hurry," she said, "get into this bag and hide on the balcony. In comes another lover, they get to it and, again she hears tge ratteling of keys. "Get into the bag and hide on the balcony" she says. In comes a third lover. The same thing. Again, keys in the lock and again the lover jumps into a bag ...

Why was Batman in a hurry?

He had to go to the Batroom.

If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use ?

Hurry canes.

A pilot crash lands on an uncharted island

He awakens bound by natives, and is dragged to a clearing in front of the tribe. Next to him is a large tree-stump and an absolutely massive native.

The natives are are cheering and hooting wildly, until the chieftain holds up his hand, bringing instant silence and rapt attention.

He b...

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A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that ne...

what do you call a communist in a hurry?

A soviet rushin!
(wackady shmackady doo)

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story...

A farmer has four daughters named Betty, Mary, Flo, and Luck. who each have dates tonight.

He is overprotective about his daughters, and he fidgets with his shotgun a lot. He is also nervous about the boys coming to pick them up. He hears a knock on the door and opens it. There is standing one of the daughters dates.

The boy says,

"Hi my name is Teddy!

I'm here to pi...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

Dog

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this county actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points t...

I saw Trump Jr. Today but he told me he was in a hurry and couldn't talk.

Turns out he was lying about rushin'.

Why did the Police hurry over to the Black Lives Matter Riot?

To beat the crowd!

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