Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

A bear walks into a bar, the bartender freezes in shock.

The bear takes a seat at the counter while the bartender stares. The bear looks at him and says, "Hey pal, how ya doing? Can I get a Martini? House vodka, please." Bewildered and in awe at a talking bear in his bar, the bartender finally spits out, "Uh, yeah. Yes, of course," and starts making it. H...

I'm going to freeze myself -273.15°

My friends are worried, but i will be 0K

I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

Two men were kayaking down a cold river

They felt that if they didn’t do something soon, they’d freeze to death. So they decided to build a fire between them which ended up burning a hole through the vessel and sank it. This just goes to show you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

What did Batman put in Mr. Freeze's drink?

Just ice.

What freezes when you heat it up?

Your computer.
(Actually mine freezes as well)

What do you call water that’s impossible to freeze?

Noticeable.

What happens when you get a brain freeze

I dont know about you but iscream

My wife was really scared when I said: Police! Freeze! She kicked me in the face.

Guess I won’t go undercover again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!"

The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewh...

Definitely a repost, but the following is an alleged question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an alleged answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students ...

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye.

Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.” The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “...

Yes, Buy It Babe!!

Several men are in the locker of a golf club when cell phone on the bench rings and the man engages the hands free function and starts talking. Everyone else freezes up to listen.

Man: Hello

Woman: Honey its me are you at the club?

Man: Yes

Woman: I am at the mall and thi...

what do you get if you cross an octopus with a scorpion?

A freeze on your funding, and an immediate visit from the ethics committee.

Batman always had a soft spot for Mr. Freeze.

He always thought he looked cool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Asian men die in a car accident on Easter Sunday.

They find themselves at the pearly gates, where Peter is at his receptionist desk awaiting them.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Peter says to them. “You three were not believers, so you are not allowed in here.” The men glance at each other, beginning to grow pale. “However, since it’s Easter, I’m w...

When it comes to the DCU, Mr. Freeze truely was the superhero.

I mean, justice can't be spelt without "Just ice".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 blonds are in heaven....

One asked the other: "how did you die?"

"I froze to death" said the second blond

"That must be awful, how it felt?" said the first blond

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb and you freeze to death...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Toronto man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Toronto.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then ...

Even if the universe ends with a Big Freeze

We'll be 0K!

Coach: “My boy Kelvin here is gonna freeze out the competition.”

Interviewer: “Is that him over there?Wow, what an absolute unit!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a drug dealer is being raided..

The police storm in, securing all the rooms in the house. One kicks open the bathroom door and catches a guy standing next to the toilet with a baggie full of cocaine.

"Freeze, asshole!" The cop shouts, aiming his gun at the guy.

"Ok, ok. You got me" the guy says, "but you need to li...

Even if the universe ended in a big freeze

We'd be 0K

help: iphone 6s freezes but only when i play song "down with the sickness" any ideas??

edit: thx guys, turns out i was in "Do Not Disturbed" mode

Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia is the medical term for brain freeze.

A quick way you can get this is by eating an ice cream...

or by trying to say the medical term for brain freeze.

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

Upon arriving in hell, you’re surprised to find a clerk asking you “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

“Oh, that’s an easy one.”

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.
“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty strong allegiance... sure you don’t want to ...

As an adult I think I understand why Mr. Freeze got so upset when he had to put his wife, Nora, on Ice

After all no one likes cold Fries.

(91 year old grandfather told me this one) why don't ants freeze in the winter?

because they have ANTi-freeze

Soap Dispenser

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the...

The key to winning freeze tag?

Sliding tackles.

I was so cold today that my jaw started to freeze...

So I gritted my teeth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnnie didn't know what else to do to have sex with his wife...

... every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts.

They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best t...

When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag,

So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops

An American and a Russian freeze themselves for a 100 years

....taking a bet whose country will be doing better in the future. So they enter the cryo chamber and go to sleep. When they wake up, they buy a newspaper. The Russian takes it and as he reads the headline, he starts smiling.
"The communist party wins the U.S. Elections for the fifth time in a r...

In a bus...

... a grandma looks with interest a girl that has a hieroglyphs tattoo on her neck

Gi: "Hey granny, what are you looking at?"

Gr: "At what is written on your neck, darling."

Gi: "So what? Tattoos haven't existed when you were young?"

Gr: "Babe, we had them to, but... I w...

Smokers go out in the cold for 10+ minutes a day and freeze their asses off in the winter and what do they do they get in return?

Cancer.

Do you know what would happen if you'd freeze someone to -273.15 degrees Clesius?

That person would be 0K

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.


So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops...

A stranger walks into a neighborhood bar (long)

A stranger walks into a neighborhood bar and hears a very strange conversation.

"Hey, Joey! Your wife is so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits **around the house**!"

"Oh yeah, Bobby? 37!"

Bobby cringes as the crowd yells "oooooh" and laughs.

Joey then stands up...

What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?

She sticks it in the microwave.

How do you make holy water?

Freeze it and then drill holes in it

What do you get when you cryogenically freeze a genetic copy of basketball legend Kareem Abdul Jabbar?

An ice Kareem clone

A Wealthy Programmer Freezes Himself.

Back in the early 70s, a programmer was able to build several complex systems and was heavily compensated for his work. Throughout the years, he put his knowledge to work and was able to fix almost any problem thrown at him. Unfortunately, however, he learnt from his doctor that he was slowly dying ...

I'd love to make a joke about Valve releasing a new game when hell freezes over...

But then again, hell actually might freeze over.

Made the mistake of letting my east coast newspaper freeze on the steps this winter...

I've fallen on some hard Times.

Deep freeze prevents things go bad

And my mother in law definitely showed signs of going bad, officer.

It was a logical thing to do.

A burglar breaks into a house

A burglar breaks into a house and is starting to go through the valuables when he hears "Jesus is watching".

He freezes, looking around for whoever said it, but after a minute of silence he starts to think that maybe he imagined it.

He goes back to rifling through drawers, stealing the...

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!

He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my ex...

A polar bear carries a large freezer into an ice factory....

On his way inside, he's stopped by a penguin wearing a tie and a nametag and carrying a clipboard.
"Why are you bringing a freezer into an ice factory??" The penguin asked.
"I'm a new hire," the polar bear replied, "I brought it with me because back home it freezes EVERYTHING. I thought it'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two monks are taking a shower together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.

Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.

Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to b...

When life gives you lemons

Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult

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