UPJOKE
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Why did the computer freeze?

Because somebody left Windows open.

What gets burning hot right before it freezes?

A laptop.

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I dated a girl who’s kink was to freeze my erect penis before having sex.

We eventually broke it off.

I've decided to freeze myself at -273°C.

My friend thinks I'll die, but I think I'll be 0K.

An American and a Russian freeze themselves for a 100 years

....taking a bet whose country will be doing better in the future. So they enter the cryo chamber and go to sleep. When they wake up, they buy a newspaper. The Russian takes it and as he reads the headline, he starts smiling.
"The communist party wins the U.S. Elections for the fifth time in a r...

Why did the two blondes freeze to death at the drive in cinema?

They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

I'm going to freeze myself -273.15°

My friends are worried, but i will be 0K

I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

What does a zombie call a brain freeze?

A frozen dinner

Even if the universe ends with a Big Freeze

We'll be 0K!

When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag,

So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

I hate this new king, my landlord is ripping me to starvation and i might freeze this winter.

Gildford from 13 th century

A bear walks into a bar, the bartender freezes in shock.

The bear takes a seat at the counter while the bartender stares. The bear looks at him and says, "Hey pal, how ya doing? Can I get a Martini? House vodka, please." Bewildered and in awe at a talking bear in his bar, the bartender finally spits out, "Uh, yeah. Yes, of course," and starts making it. H...

I was freezed to absolute zero once,

And it was 0k.

So.. When Mr Freeze leaves a crime scene..

So... when Mr Freeze has left a crime scene, you know its his work because people are frozen/there are frozen objects around right?

I would go as far to say thats him leaving his "Cooling Card"

Coach: “My boy Kelvin here is gonna freeze out the competition.”

Interviewer: “Is that him over there?Wow, what an absolute unit!”

What do you call water that’s impossible to freeze?

Noticeable.

The key to winning freeze tag?

Sliding tackles.

What happens when you leave your citizens to freeze in the cold?

They turn blue.

What happens when you get a brain freeze

I dont know about you but iscream

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At a university for wizards, an undergrad was having a big week. He had just learned his first spell. Freeze, Level 1.

Turns out he was a natural. By the second day, he could freeze his classmates for ten seconds. When Friday came, the professor declared he was ready for the final project: to freeze people in public.

Over the weekend, he went looking for a place to cast. He needed somewhere with a lot of peop...

What freezes when you heat it up?

Your computer.
(Actually mine freezes as well)

Upon arriving in hell, I was surprised to find a clerk asking me, “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

"Oh, that’s an easy one, ” I reply.

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.


“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty stron...

When it comes to the DCU, Mr. Freeze truely was the superhero.

I mean, justice can't be spelt without "Just ice".

What did Batman put in Mr. Freeze's drink?

Just ice.

Batman always had a soft spot for Mr. Freeze.

He always thought he looked cool.

Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia is the medical term for brain freeze.

A quick way you can get this is by eating an ice cream...

or by trying to say the medical term for brain freeze.

The government is considering implementing a plan to freeze inmates on a large scale

They’re weighing up the Frozen Cons

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Two monks are taking a shower together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.

Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.

Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to b...

Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from o...

Deep freeze prevents things go bad

And my mother in law definitely showed signs of going bad, officer.

It was a logical thing to do.

Do you know what would happen if you'd freeze someone to -273.15 degrees Clesius?

That person would be 0K

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

My wife was really scared when I said: Police! Freeze! She kicked me in the face.

Guess I won’t go undercover again.

A Wealthy Programmer Freezes Himself.

Back in the early 70s, a programmer was able to build several complex systems and was heavily compensated for his work. Throughout the years, he put his knowledge to work and was able to fix almost any problem thrown at him. Unfortunately, however, he learnt from his doctor that he was slowly dying ...

(91 year old grandfather told me this one) why don't ants freeze in the winter?

because they have ANTi-freeze

Made the mistake of letting my east coast newspaper freeze on the steps this winter...

I've fallen on some hard Times.

A year ago my friend thought it would be funny to freeze himself to absolute zero.

He’s 0k now.

I was so cold today that my jaw started to freeze...

So I gritted my teeth

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...

A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"

The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

What did Batman give Doctor Freeze with his whisky?

Just-ice

Camping with my uncircumcised friend and he didn’t bring a sleeping bag, lol he’s gonna freeze tn

Edit: oh god wait what is he doing

What do you get when you cryogenically freeze a genetic copy of basketball legend Kareem Abdul Jabbar?

An ice Kareem clone

help: iphone 6s freezes but only when i play song "down with the sickness" any ideas??

edit: thx guys, turns out i was in "Do Not Disturbed" mode

What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?

She puts in in the microwave.

Did you hear about the man who tried to freeze himself at 0° Kelvin?

He's 0K now

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A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a d...

As an adult I think I understand why Mr. Freeze got so upset when he had to put his wife, Nora, on Ice

After all no one likes cold Fries.

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Two blondes are in heaven...

One asks the other, "How did you die? "

"I froze to death, " says the second.

"That's awful, "says the first blonde. How does it feel to freeze to death? "

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb an...

Smokers go out in the cold for 10+ minutes a day and freeze their asses off in the winter and what do they do they get in return?

Cancer.

I'd love to make a joke about Valve releasing a new game when hell freezes over...

But then again, hell actually might freeze over.

Need help solving a joke with no punchline

In April 1998, Roger Ebert published his review of Paulie, a movie about a talking bird on a road trip. He wrapped up the essay with a joke he claims to have made up.

"On the other hand, just to be fair, I should mention that parrots make great subjects for jokes. I know about a dozen, includ...

One of my friends always played the same joke on me when we were walking in the forest.

Suddenly he freezes and starts staring into the distance as if he saw something between the trees. He doesn't say a word then, just sometimes he gives me a quick look as if to say, "Man, did you see that?" I usually stood next to him like an idiot, staring at the same spot, wondering if there was so...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

Polar bear hunting

A man is having trouble with a polar bear roaming around his remote cabin, so he calls up a famous polar bear behavior expert to ask about the best way of trapping or killing it.

“First, you have to wait for winter. You have a river or pond near your property?”

“I do,” the man acknowle...

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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way t...

An Ottawa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Ottawa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes ...

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