UPJOKE
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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body...

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A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my sweet little dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out, the man handed me the dog and said, “here is ze dog; keep him warm, dry him off, and he’ll be fine.”

“Are you a vet?” I asked.

He replied, “Vet?…I’m fucking soaking.”

My boyfriend likes to keep the house freezing. I hate it because I’m always cold, but he gave me a suggestion.

He said to stand in the corner since it’s usually 90 degrees over there.

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

A man dies and goes to hell

Because all the other torture chambers are full, the Devil puts him to hard labor.

A few hours pass, and the Devil returns to see how the torture is going. But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.

"Why haven't you given up yet? It's been at least 6 hours." The Devil asks him....

Being a masochist, I like nothing better than starting the day with a freezing cold shower.

So I have a hot one.

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I love the look on the poor sods faces when I drive by them and they're pissed wet through and freezing cold at the bus stop

Partly why I took the job as a bus driver tbh

Why as it important for Ted Cruz to be in Cancun while Texas is freezing?

Reptiles require sunlight.

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It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

I was freezing in Texas

Then I used to my phone to watch the news and the gaslighting kept me warm all day.

I left my PC on all night and when I woke up, it was freezing

Turns out, I left the Windows open.

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A Russian soldier is assigned to the training exercise

A Russian soldier is assigned to a squad near the front of the training exercise to replace a fallen komrat. He is warned that the training is hard with many death, and the squad members are a bit excentric, so he should just try to fit in.


He arrives to a camp of about 10 men and a cou...

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

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The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.

To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with bed...

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A policeman is riding his motorcycle on a dark, lonely stretch of road on a freezing cold night.

He sees a fellow motorcyclist stopped on the side of the road. "What's the problem?" he says. "Bike wont run" So the cop dismounts and says, "Probably frozen carburettor, just pee on it"
Biker doesn't seem keen so the cop pulls out the meat-baton and gives the carbys a good spray. "There ya go ma...

Even if you are absolutely freezing...

You are 0K.

A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero.

Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.

But they’ll be 0K.

A tramp, seeking shelter on a freezing night, knocks on George and the Dragon Inn. A hefty lady answers the door and her expletives send him scampering. Desperate, he tries again minutes later.

"May... may I speak to George, please?"

Code red for storm Eunice in The Netherlands

A friend of mine is now on Texel, one of the Dutch Wadden Islands, off the coast of The Netherlands. Sadly, the weather conditions there are very, very bad. The perceived temperature is close to freezing, lots of heavy rain, and wind gusts of close to 100 mph (150 km/h). They are now completely isol...

What do you call a hooker in below freezing weather?

A Frostitute!

Trump left hundreds of supporters stranded in the freezing cold last night

Which goes to show that even the biggest support can be turned blue

How the Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Came To Be

One night the great rocket scientist Werhner Von Braun was walking home in a nasty, freezing show storm, when nature called upon him quite suddenly.

After doing his business he stood up and looked down upon the result, at which he was heard to remark "Good heavens, that's one icy BM..."

It was freezing that day and I prayed for snow at my wedding...

Never happened but I got 8 inches on my honey moon.

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Carl broke his leg, and his buddy Nick came over to see him.

Nick said, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Carl said, “actually, my feet are fucking freezing. Do me a favor, run upstairs and get some socks.”

Nick went upstairs. Not having been there before, he opened the wrong bedroom door and saw Carl's gorgeous 19-year old twin sisters lyin...

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A couple driving home run over a badger they get out and find it is still breathing but freezing cold

Husband says, "put it between your legs to keep it warm",

Wife replies "but it is all wet and it stinks,

He say, "well hold the badgers nose then!"

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain

but it hurt like hail.

In the winter a man says to his wife: "Should we get the pig inside, it is freezing out there."

"But it stinks", says the wife to which the husband replies:
"He will get used to it!"

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In the time of the Ottoman Empire, there was a wedding.

Back then, weddings were pretty big, and also long. People used to travel tens or hundreds of kilometers to attend at a wedding. For that reason, they would stay for a few days as guests. They would normally sleep in really big rooms, on the floor, and women and men would normally be separated... ...

It’s freezing in Florida, which means iguanas might start falling from trees. All the old people aren’t too worried about this though.

They’re used to a reptile dysfunction

I'm addicted to freezing birds

I wanna quit cold turkey.

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On a cold and rainy night

On a cold and rainy night during the era when traveling salesmen still pedaled goods door to door, Gary , a young English wallpaper representative breaks down on an Irish county road .Luckily ,there is a farm house not far from the road .As he is an englishman in Ireland , he cautiously makes his wa...

A friend was freezing some ice cubes for me.

Let's say he was doing me a solid.

On a cold and rainy night a man cuts through a cemetery.

and falls into an freshly dug, empty grave. He struggles to get out but can't climb the wet,slippery walls. He begins shouting for help but has little hope as the rain is making a thunderous noise and it is late at night. A drunk, oblivious to the weather, is wending his way through the graveyard wh...

When the Titanic sank, many of those people that died in the freezing water probably went to Hell.

And for the first few minutes I bet it felt kind of nice.

Have you heard about the guy who got frozen to the absolute freezing point?

Don't worry, he's 0K now.

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An old man is stuck in the middle of a freezing blizard.

He is freezing, but not the least bit terrified. He has hope that he will be saved.

By now, they snow is at his ankles.

His hope comes along when he sees a dog sled. The driver of the sled says, "Need some help?"

"No," the old man says. "God will save me."

"If you say so...

I was freezing out in the middle of the woods when I stumbled upon a mean-looking hunter sat by a campfire...

He was roasting his fresh kill feet first and the smell had me salivating for a bit of that tasty grub.

He gave me a dirty look and made it clear he didn't want to share any.

I begged him for a bite to help me warm up but he just gave me the cold shoulder.

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A patient had a terrible stuttering problem

and the doctor realized it was due to the man’s 15 inch penis pulling on his vocal cords.

The doctor talks the man into removing 5 inches of the penis and freezing it in case the man ever decided to have it re-attached. The surgery is a success and the man can speak stutter-free for the firs...

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Sparrows

One late Fall morning at sunrise three tiny sparrows sat on a telephone wire overlooking a country road. The freezing wind blew, the wire swayed uncomfortably, and the tiny birds were cold, hungry, and pathetic.

As the sun rose, a pony clip-clopped along the road below and dropped huge pile ...

There are two freezing germans at Stalingrad, and one turns to the other and says...

Gott mit uns.

I made a movie about freezing time

I showed it to some people, but they thought it was just a picture.

It's 3 hours and 27 minutes long...if you don't pause

Why Mexicans are freezing in the hot summer?

Because they're surrounded by ICE.

Hello everyone 32 (F) here

It's freezing in here!

Why was the Angle freezing?

Because it was less than 32 degrees!

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In Russia during the height of the 1921 famine ,a bread queue has formed outside in freezing weather to feed the citizens but the bread truck hasn't arrived.

A party official comes up and says, "Hello comrades! There isn't enough bread to feed everyone today, so no bread will be given to any Jews."

All of the Jews, used to disappointment, shrug, pack up their things and go home.

Two hours go by as the snow keeps falling. The official return...

Generous Scottish Woman

One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard. He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.

Once inside the house, he complain...

Pure Breed?

A Polar Bear and his son were walking through the icy glaciers, when the little Polar Bear says to his father, "Dad... are we pure blooded Polar Bear?" The father bear looks at his son and says, "Why, yes son, of course we are!"

The next day the little Polar Bear is hunting for seals with his...

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