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Ski Jokes

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada…

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottis...

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What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

3 friend went on a ski trip

When they got to the lodge, there was only one bed. So they all slept together. In the morning the guy on the right said, I had the most vivid dream last night about getting a hand job. The guy on the left said, that's incredible, I had the same dream. The guy in the middle said, I had a dream I was...

The Olympian gold medalist in cross-country-skiing was being interviewed on TV...

And it came up in the interview that, what with training and all, he hadn't seen his wife for more than a year.

The interviewer asked, with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, "So, what's the first thing you plan to do when you get home, then?"

The gold medalist blushed furiously and sa...

What's The Difference Between the Texas Grid, and a Ski Instructor?

A ski instructor works in the winter.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the livin...

I was at a ski resort for a psychiatry convention

I've never seen so many Freudians slip

Boy: What's a palindrome?

Teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

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A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a bank

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a SPERM bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"Open...

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A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "...

A blonde bought some water skis last year but has yet to try them out.

She's still looking for a lake with a hill.

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3 guys were at a sleep over

They just watched a horror movie so decide to sleep on the same bed.
In the morning when they wake up.
The guy on the left says "I had great dream where he was being wanked of by a hot blond"
The guy on right says "Oh shit, I had a dream where I was being wanked of but by a brunette"
T...

I went skiing for the first time

I became a tree hugger

There was a guy in our Downhill Skiing Club but we had to kick him out for creating drama over every little thing.

He was always making a mountain out of a mogul.

So three guys rent a room at a ski lodge

Three guys rent a room at a ski lodge but due to a lack of other rooms they're forced to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, they all wake up abruptly and the one on the left says *"Man I dreamt I was getting a handjob"*

The guy on the right replies *"That's weird, I was dreaming ...

I hope I never get addicted to skiing..

... but it's a slippery slope

Three guys go on a ski trip...

...they arrive at the hotel only to find out that there is only one room available, and it has only one bed. They have a great day skiing and then go to sleep. The next day, they wake up. The guy on the left says "I had a dream that this beautiful woman was giving me the best handjob of my life!" T...

A man wearing a ski mask walks into a sperm bank, holding a gun he orders the receptionist to open the vault.

“But sir, this is just a sperm bank” replied the receptionist.

“I don’t care,” the man screamed, “open the vault.”

The receptionist opens the vault and inside are dozens of sperm samples. The man says “ Now take one of those sperm samples and drink it” the man demands.

“ But sir...

Armed man storms into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask

He shouts "**everybody hit the floor!**" and shoots his gun twice at the ceiling. Everybody hits the floor in muffled panic. He then approaches the main desk and accosts the lady behind the counter:

\- **you! bank lady! where is the storage vault?**

\+ it's downstairs but--

\- ...

Why do all polish names end in ski?

Because they can't spell toboggan
(This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)

Three guys are sharing a bed at a sleepover

When they wake up, the first guy says, "I had a wierd dream, I dreamt that someone beat my meat."


The guy on the left says, "Me too!"


The guy in the middle goes: "That's funny, I dreamt that I was skiing, but the snow was hot and sticky!"

I figured out why ski resorts are so funny.

They're hillareas

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

The popularity of skiing has decreased somewhat lately

In fact, it's going downhill fast.

My friend Jason invited me to spend a week with him and his family at their ski lodge.

I wanted to bring gifts. For him, a felt hat. For her felt mittens. For the kids, felt-tipped markers.

I like to make my presents felt.

A New Yorker Was Teaching A Midwesterner How To Ski

A Midwesterner is on vacation in the Poconos. Over there, he decides to take up downhill skiing. He's done a lot of cross country skiing, but he's never skied downhill, since there are no mountains over in Fargo. Fargo's flatter than a pancake.

He decided to try downhill skiing. "How hahr...

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Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, “Don’t worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time.”

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, “I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we’re feeling dow...

I think skiing is rather suspicious

>!Its i's are too close together!<

I am a little worried about the future of the sport of Olympic skiing.

It’s just going downhill.

Fast.

Little Timmy is skiing on a mountain with his family

At a certain point, he decides that it would be nice if he impressed his mother, so he shouts: "look mom, without hands!", then proceeds to drop the ski poles on the snow and go down.

After he manages to return on the top, he shouts again: "look mom, without seeing!" then puts his wool hat on...

Three guys went to a ski lodge after a tiresome day of skiing.

There was only one bed, so they had to share it. When they woke up the next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed said he saw the most amazing dream. "This beautiful lady gave me a wonderful handjob". The guy on the right said; "I had the exact same dream! It felt so real!" The guy in the mid...

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to water ski?

Skip.

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3 friends go to a ski lodge...

But the receptionist at the front dest said that the lodge was over booked, and the friends have to share a room.

After walking in they notice that there’s only one bed. They decide to go to bed early and set their alarms for 6:30am.

The buzzer sounds and they awake. The one on the lef...

My local ski resort was ripped off last week for around $900.

The robber stole a burger, two beers, and some chips.

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

My Eskimo friend got his ski stolen.

Now he dresses in black, and is always depressed.

My friend was recently blinded in an horrific skiing accident...

So please comment with your best cyclops/pirate/one eyed jokes so I can simultaneously cheer him up & take the p*ss

(This aint a joke)

I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

Al, Ben, and Carl were going on a trip to a ski resort. But there was only one room left at the resort, and it had only one bed.

Reluctantly, the three agreed to share the bed. Al slept on the left side of the bed, Ben slept on the right side, and Carl slept in the middle.

The next morning at breakfast, Al said, "You know, last night I had the loveliest dream. A gorgeous female ski instructor was giving me the best han...

A Pharoah makes a reservation at a ski resort...

Pharaoh: I'd like to make a reservation for two please.

Attendant: Absolutely. Can I get your name please.

Pharoah: "Neferneferuaten"

Attendant: ...can you spell that out for me?

Pharaoh: Bird, double triangle, wavy line, dog head, more bird, flames..."

Three friends go on a skiing trip.

Three friends go on a skiing trip, but they need to save money so they rent a cabin with only one bed that’s big enough for all three of them.

After the first night the guy on the left says he had the most amazing dream. A busty blonde seduced him and gave him an amazing handjob.

The...

Why don't Amish people water ski?

Because their horses would drown.

Three guys were traveling for a ski trip to the mountains and had to stop in a small town to rent a room for the night.

The small mountain inn only had one room left, and it only had a single queen size bed. Being a drafty old inn, the men decided to sleep together in the same bed to conserve space and warmth.

The next morning the guy who slept on the left side of the bed said, "Oh my god, you guys, I had the ...

Three women are changing at the gym when a man wearing nothing but a ski mask enters the changeroom and starts dancing in front of the women.

The first woman looks at the man and says, "I don't know who this guy is, but he isn't my husband!"

The second woman takes a closer look at the man. Then she turns to the first woman and says, "You are right. He isn't your husband."

The third woman takes an even closer look and says, "...

What does a blind man use to ski?

A skiing eye dog

Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and leg in a skiing accident?

He ended up being all right

A woman hits up a guy in a bar

They go to her apartment and make out. Then out of nowhere, the guy starts kissing her neck, softly at first, and then it bursts into a wild ride of biting and sucking, driving her into depths of pleasure she has never had. The guy seems to be pretty experienced, choking her and then stroking her ne...

My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort.

Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast.

Somebody asked me recently why I took up downhill skiing

I told them uphill skiing was far too difficult

I was passing gym class with flying colors until we got to the skiing unit.

It was downhill from there.

My friend took me water skiing behind his boat.

When I fell, my foot got caught in the line and he thought it would be funny to drag me around like that for a few minutes.

With friends like that, who needs enemas?

So a man with a ski mask on...

...walks into a bank with a gun in hand. He runs up to the first teller and holds the gun up to her.
"This is a robbery! Gimme everything you got!"

"Bu...but sir i dont think you understand. This is a sperm bank" said the teller.

Obviously thrown off guard, the robber stands there ...

Downhill Skiing

3 rock climbers (Bob, Tim, Jack) were attempting to climb Everest. In a freak accident, Bob and Tim lost all of their supplies. Unable to progress any further, they decide to make camp and share jack's supplies. The three of them slept side to side, with bob and Tim on either side of jack. In the mo...

Sperm Bank...

At a sperm bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk. "Sir.. this is a sperm bank.." says the lady. "I know. Get out three bottles of sperm" he commanded. So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen sperm. "Drink it." says the man.
...

I broke up with my girlfriend on a ski trip

Our relationship was going downhill.

Picabo Street is a former World Cup alpine ski racer and model. When she was inducted into the National Ski Hall of Fame in 2004, her home town of Triumph, Idaho dedicated an entire wing of the local hospital to her.

It's called the Picabo ICU.

I recently got very addicted to skiing

My doctor told me I'm going down a slippery slope

What do you call three Russians skiing down a small hill?

A Triple Low Ski

Why shouldn’t you let somebody who just got out of rehab go skiing?

Because it’s a slippery slope

What is a drunk's favorite kind of skis?

Brew-skies!!

*Hope that is an original for /r/jokes. I couldn't find something similar with a search.*

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[NSFW] Tow best friends where on a skiing trip together with their wives.

During the after ski, the men decide it would be a good idea to go to bed with each others wives. The men whom had been drinking both though this was a fantastic idea. They both agreed to make a competition out of it. Whom could make the others wife climax the most times wins.

Not to draw su...

What do you call a quadriplegic tied to the back of a moving boat?

Skip

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartend...

I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.

I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.

I Gave Up Cross Country Skiing.

Ever since it's all been downhill.

Why did the doctor go on a ski trip alone?

He was part of doctors without boarders .

A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.

The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'

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