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Boarding Jokes

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub

At a girls' boarding school, a WW2 flying ace has been invited to give the Prize Day address

"I was flying along in my Spitfire, and visibility was poor, but all of a sudden the fog lifted, and I saw these fokkers coming up behind me. I dived on them and shot two of the fokkers down, then did a quick roll, but there was a little fokker right on my tail, and I had to ..."

At this poi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding

He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention...

Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class unti...

Today I learned what the CIA is replacing water boarding with.

Verizon Wireless customer service.

Donald Trump is boarding Air Force One

When all of a sudden, an assassin jumps out and points the gun at Trump. A member of the secret service sees this and yells, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin so much that it gives the other agents time to apprehend him. While the agents interrogate the assassin, Donald Trump pulls...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

The United States doesn't use torture techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"

An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.

After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.

"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"

"Oh, thi...

I got arrested at the airport last week...

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sailor who just finished his training boarding his designated ship

The captain awaits on the boat and tells him


"let me show you around"

they starts walking around the ship and the captain says:

"this here is your cabin, you will be sleeping here with another 4 crew mates"

They kept walking and the captain kept explaining everyt...

What do visitors to the International Space Station have to do before boarding?

Pay the parking meteor.

Water boarding gets a lot of bad press

But the search to cure hiccups must continue!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vulture boards a plane holding two dead raccoons.

The flight attendant stops him before boarding and says “sorry, only one carrion per passenger”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boarding the plane

I saw that there were fat guys sitting around my seat. Realizing it was a long flight, and not wanting the uncomfortable inconvenience, I found another seat and sat there.

This guy came up to me and said "Excuse me. You're in my seat".

I said "Excuse me. Fuck off"

He said ...

So I was boarding a plane the other day

And my girlfriend was worried for me going to China. She texted me: "be careful! Don't catch the corvid flu!"

I replied: "crows, ravens, jackdaws, and blue jay's don't have flu. It's okay to just admit you're wrong, you know?"

If you get sick before boarding a plane...

...does that mean you have a terminal illness?

TSA stopped me while I was boarding my flight and said “Sir, you can’t bring that crow onto the aircraft.”

I said “Don’t worry. It’s a carrion.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.

Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact b...

Why did the flight attendant prevent the raven from boarding the plane?

He had too much carrion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a bunch of passengers are boarding a plane to Los Angeles...

...when the captain and first officer come on board. Each is wearing thick sunglasses and carrying a walking stick, which they use to feel their way through the cabin towards the cockpit, tripping and stumbling as they go. Many passengers are understandably quite nervous, but several awkward laugh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gate agent announces “Now boarding at gate D22 - that’s D as in Dick 22”.

Not sure I want to know what she uses for C gates.


(This actually happened, btw.)

Jesus walks into a boarding house....

Jesus walks into a boarding house. He puts three nails down on the counter and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

I enjoy flying, but have a severe phobia of boarding queues

I spoke to the doctor, but they said it was a terminal illness

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