UPJOKE

Pumpkin π

Sorry.

### What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

Heard this on Psychostick's livestream :3

### A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball.

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume. The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced. The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

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### A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
sexual statistics.

replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

### A rooster smokes marijuana and walks in a circle. What is the name for the ratio of the circumference of that circle to its diameter?

Chicken pot pi

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### Everyone seems to be making jokes about pi, radius, and diameters today

Honestly sounds like a big circle jerk

### An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep,

using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around hi...

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### Do you know what is 4 inches in length, 2 inches in diameter, and drives women fucking crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

### Two hunters were walking around in the woods around twilight

One of them grabs the other and pulls him back from a 6-foot diameter, perfectly smooth hole.

"You saved my life" says the hunter. "I wonder how far down that hole goes..."

So they find an old anvil and throw it in the hole. As they're listening for the anvil to hit, a goat comes runni...

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### The rectum stretcher

Just as a car crosses over a bridge, a cop jumps out from behind a bush and signals the driver to the pull over. The cop walks over to the car window and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

The driver responds "No sir I do not, but it couldn't have been much faster than 50......

### A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked "what is pi?"

The mathematician says "pi is the ratio of a circumference to its diameter".

The physicist says "pi is 3.1415"

The engineer says "it's about 3"

### A guy asks for a condom in a drugstore.

The clerk tells him –“I need to know how wide are you to give you the correct size”. He tells her he has no idea. So pharmacist hands him a wooden board with different diameter holes in it and tells him to go to bathroom and measure. He comes back 15 minutes letter and tells her – “The Hell with th...

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### This guy was cruising along a deserted Texas highway on his way to work..

doing 92 mph in an 85 zone. As he crests a slight hill he gets nailed by a highway patrolman running radar. Easing over onto the shoulder and coming to a stop, the officer walks up to the car and asks "License and registration please, and where the hell are you going in such a hurry?"

The...

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### StRaNgE EnCoUnTeRs

It’s the 7.55 service from Paddington to Plymouth and a man
finds himself sat across the aisle from a beautiful woman.
She is reading a large book and as he looks closer at it he
realises it’s a book on sexual statistics.
“That looks an interesting book,” he remarks.
She smiles at him...

### Landmark

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system."Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when ...

### Engineer and an Academic on a plane

An engineer is getting an 8 hour business flight and next to him sits an academic. The engineer is tired and had a crammed week of line side meetings, design meeting, improvement meetings etc. he just wants to get some sleep as its a night flight and he is back in the office in the morning, so forms...

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She was saying she seen in a magazine it said American Indians had the largest penis size and Mexicans had a penis with the largest diameter.

I walked up and said let me introduce myself. My name is Tonto Rodriguez.

### I once took a class on trapping animals

To trap a bear, you dig a huge pit, at least 10 feet deep and 10 feet in diameter. Then you go and find as much deadfall as you can and bring it to the pit. You light that on fire and let it burn to ashes.

Next you line a row of peas along the perimeter of the hole. Once that is done, hide b...

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### A State Trooper pulls over a man for going 20 over the speed limit

Trooper: Any reason for you to be going so fast?

Man: Sorry officer, I'm a doctor and I'm running late.

Trooper: Oh yeah? What kind of doctor?

Man: I'm a proctologist that specializes in asshole stretching.

Trooper: What the hell is asshole stretching!?

Man: It's ...

### I once spent ten years marooned on a tropical shore...

I lived on nothing but coconuts and seafood. I fashioned sandals out of leaves, a hut out of grass and sticks, and I kept myself healthy with wild plants. One day I was scouring the beach for copper wire to build the radio I was working on, and I came across a small white spheroid about 2" in diamet...

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### The Golden State Warriors flew to Jamaica to play an exhibition game against a local team.

The Warriors kept on losing the ball and missing easy shots. Kerr, the Warriors' coach was furious, but the players said that the balls were too small, and kept slipping out of their hands.

By the end of the half, they were down by 20 points, with Steph Curry, the Warriors' captain...

### An Undertaker just came home from work

Undertaker: Honey, I'm home. You won't believe the guy I prepared for the funeral today, He's got 9 inches long and 2 inches in diameter of.....

### A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

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### A zookeeper walks bowlegged into the emergency room....

...When the doctor finally sees him he asks "what seems to be the problem?" The zookeeper responds "I got fucked by an elephant doc". The zookeeper dropped his pants and bent over showing his asshole stretched out to the diameter of a hubcap. The doctor cried out in shock and said "I don't understan...

### Two Hunters and a Goat

Two hunters are walking along in the deep of autumn, stalking a buck, when they come across a clean-cut, 10-ft diameter hole, that goes too deep to see the bottom.

“A sinkhole?” one hunter asks, “How deep does this go?” The other shrugs.

The first hunter looks around and finds a stick,...

1. Divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter and what do you get?
Pumpkin Pi

2. I saw a movie and gave it a 3.1415 out of 5.
It was Life of Pi

3. My friend decided to get a tattoo of the symbol pi on his face.
It was an irrational decision

4. Who was the r...

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### A science teacher takes his young student aside...

A science teacher takes his young student aside in the lab one afternoon and tells him he wants to teach him a new way of discovering knowledge and developing understanding. He is an excellent student but tends to get caught up in the strictness of the scientific method.

"It's all very well t...

### You have a pumpkin.

You measure around it. All the way around.

Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.

Measure across the cut pumpkin.

Divide the circumference by the diameter.

What do you have now?

Pumpkin Pi

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### The science of ping pong balls...

Long, Science

A science convention is in town. So a chemist, physicist and engineer walk into a local bar. The bar tender sees them and says, "hey, you're all wise guys, how would I figure out the volume of this ping pong ball?" The chemist takes the ball from him, pulls out a graduated cylin...

### Guide to trapping an elephant.

Start by digging a hole about 10 meters deep, and 5 meters in diameter.

Then, light a fire down in the center of the pit, a really big fire. Let the fire burn down to just the ashes, and leave it.

Place a pea 1 inch apart from one another, around the entire hole.

So, when the el...

### Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

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### My favorite joke involving an old woman and a dildo

An old woman walked into a sex shop and approached the clerk behind the cash register.

"Excuse me young man, do you sell dildos here?" She asked the clerk.

The clerk was of course surprised to see such an old woman in the shop, but still managed to be polite and replied "Yes we do ma'...

### So a circumference walks into a restaurant...

...sits down and orders a bowl of diameter ice cream. The waiter asks, "You want pie with that?"

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### A flying saucer lands in the middle of a farm one evening...

The farmer and his wife witness the landing and decide to investigate, discovering a male and female Martian couple aboard the craft. Being friendly, the farm couple invites the Martians to dinner back at the farmhouse.

One glass of wine turns into several, the conversation turns raunchy, and...

### The Jar

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about two inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it wa...

### Pastor, Priest, and a Rabbi are discussing their income.

A pastor asks his friends, a Priest and a Rabbi, how their income is determined.

The Priest responds, "I take all the offering and put it in a bucket. I draw a circle thats 2 feet in diameter on the ground and stand in the middle of it. Then I use the bucket and throw the money into the air. ...

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### New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

### Three men are lost in the desert with no supplies, when the devil appears before them.

The devil looks at their skin and bones, their cracked lips, and says, “I see you’re in a bit of a rough spot. I can help you - let’s play a little game. You each get one chance to name a task I can’t do. If you succeed, I’ll save you.”

The first man immediately replies, “I bet you can’t buil...

### A king is looking for a new chief advisor.

His choices are a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer.
His test is simple: Whoever can determine the volume of a red rubber ball will be the new chief advisor, provided his explanation makes sense to the king, and that the king can trust the calculation.

The physicist goes firs...

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### Going to Heaven

One day, three men died and went to hell. Satan was there and the three guys asked to be sent to heaven. However, Satan said that only the good people can go to heaven. So he let them give him a question each. If Satan can answer their questions correctly, the person will stay in Hell; but if Satan ...

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### A man was speeding down the road and didn't notice the cop parked behind a billboard...

Sure enough, the cop pulls out behind the man and turns on the lights and sirens. The man pulls over and rolls down his window as the police officer walks up to the man's car. "Is there a problem, officer?" the man says. "You must be in some kind of hurry as fast as you were driving," says the cop. ...

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### A German, a Japanese and a Russian die one day

They are met in the Otherworld by an Angel, who tells them "I know all three of you have sinned enough to get sent to hell. But, screw it, I'm bored and benevolent. So I will give each of you two metal orbs. Do with them what you want. In 24 hours, whoever surprises me the most will go to heaven."...

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### My favorite medical joke

A radiologist, internist, surgeon and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time together. Huddled in their duck blind, they see their first bird in the distance take flight but don’t want to shoot something not in season. They quickly debate the best way to assure it’s truly a duck.

...

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### A tenant goes to the landlord and tells him there are mice in his apartment

-I know these kinds of hoaxes, it wont work on me, but let me see those "mice" you're talking about - says the landlord.

So they go to the apartment that is right on the top of the building, they open the door and ... no mice whatsoever.

The landlord angrily asks the tenant why he so b...

### A sufficiently advanced society has synthesized all human knowledge

in pill form. So an undergraduate goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist if he has history, economics, and literature. The pharmacist disappears into the back. When he returns, he has three little boxes and says

"Here, take this purple one for all of human history—from the origins all...