UPJOKE
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Barnyard Blues

There’s this horse in a barn and he’s watching TV and he sees a rock band playing music so he calls up a music teacher “Hey, I wanna learn to play guitar, there’s only 1 problem I’m a horse” music teacher says “no problem I can teach anyone anything” 2 months go by and horse is shredding it on the g...

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

Shortest Blues song in the world...

Didn't wake up this morning.

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

A Blues guitar walks into a bar...

... and the bartender says "Sorry... minors aren't allowed in here."

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Vacation Blues

I had returned from my vacation trip to China during which I spent an evening with a most interesting young lady.
One morning about a week later I felt the most excruciating pain coming from my penis.

Upon inspection I discovered to my horror that my penis had turned blue and green.
...

Rhythm and blues

Never sign a contract for guitar lessons.
Too many strings attached.

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A blues club is holding a competition for the best blues performer.

Plenty of musicians show up, but among them is this one grizzled old bluesman. It's his turn to go on stage, so he sits on the piano and goes:

- This song is called: "I Will Slap You With My Dick All Night"

And he breaks out into a beautiful blues tune, after which half of the other mu...

Imagine the greatest blues saxophonist and the best jazz guitarist go for dinner, who pays?

Neither. You don't have to pay at the soup kitchen.

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The Penis Poem–by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.

But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the gosh darn thing.

It used to be embar...

Math/music joke: What do you get when you subtract original blues from modern blues?

Delta blues.

What’s gonna happen if you sing blues backward

It stops raining, your wife returns, your dog resurrects

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Prison blues.

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

Why doesn't Ed Sheeran sing the blues?

He has no soul.

Monday blues

Dr: what's wrong?
Bob: I'm depressed. I don't think anyone likes me.
Dr:what makes you say that?
Bob:well I had finally had it at work so I gave everyone in the office a box of poisoned candy on friday.
Dr: that's aweful!
Bob: yeah. I know. The worst part is they all stil...

How do you turn a duck into a blues singer?

Leave him in the oven until it's Bill Withers.

What's the difference between a Blues musician and a Jazz musician?

A blues musician plays 3 chords to audiences of thousands.

A jazz musician plays thousands of chords to audiences of 3

I was watching the Korean remake of Blues Brothers

Yeah, my favourite part was when they do Seoul Man

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An old "sound guy" joke: What's the difference between a bull and a blues band?

With a bull, you get the horns in the front and the asshole in the back!

I like my jokes like my blues....

Cheesy

Why do so many blues musicians come from Korea?

Theres a lot of Seoul

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

What do you call a computer program that writes a blues song about climate change?

An Al-Gore-rhythm!

Kim Jong Un recently banned the blues scale...

He hates Seoul music

When I told my parents I wanted to be a blues musician

they I decided it was time to have "the sax talk"

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