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Anthem Jokes

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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An English spy, a Scottish spy and an Irish spy are captured by the Nazis.

The Nazis ask if they have any last wishes

The Irishman says "I want the Irish national anthem to be played before I die"

The Scottish man says "I want the Scottish anthem to be played on bagpipes before I die"

The Englishman says "I wanna die first"

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The National Anthem

A drunk guy’s watching the World Series at the bar. The game hasn’t even started and the dude’s already pretty wasted. They just finished singing the National Anthem when the guy says to the bartender, “I betcha $500 I can fart the National Anthem.”

The bartender seeing some easy money take...

How do we know that the US founding fathers were pro-mexican?

The national anthem doesn't say: "Hey Frank, look over there!"
Instead it says: "Jose can you see."

I wish they would stop playing the national anthem before games

I'm not unpatriotic; I just don't like country music.

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

What genre are national anthems?

Country

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

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NSFW The National Anthem and a blowjob

While at lunch, Joe tells Phil that he hooked up with someone the previous night. Joe mentions that the woman he hooked up with (let's call her Ann) gave him some of the best head he's ever had. Curious about this amazing blowjob, Phil asks Joe what made it so special. Joe then says that Ann sang th...

What did Zeus pick as Mount Olympus’ national anthem?

Greeced Lightning.

China's national anthem is titled 'March of the Volunteers'

But most people are forced to sing it.

Insert Russian anthem...

My girlfriend said she was going to leave me, since I was getting too much into communism,

I said-



"Soviet"

"God Save the Queen" seems an ill-fitting anthem following the coronation of King Charles III

The obvious choice for the replacement is the "Charles in Charge" theme song.

I listen to the USSR Anthem while doing my homework

Now its our homework.

Any help?

What's the official anthem of the cuckolds?

You've got a friend in me

How does the Mexican national anthem start?

Jose can you see.....

What's the Cuban national anthem?

Row, row, row your boat

I saw a kid did not stand at school for his National anthem

On seeing this I was angry and I kicked him out of his wheel chair

What song is the anthem of Anti-Vaxxers?

Down With The Sickness

I played the USSR national anthem on my Lenovo laptop...

... now it's a Leninovo

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I had to go see my doctor today because I’m having an unusual problem. I say to him, “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem”.

The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.

I blasted the Soviet Union anthem in my private school

It's now a public school







Credit to a YouTube comment

Fergie sang that anthem so bad

Kaepernick stood up and told her not to disrespect the anthem like that

What was the anthem of Saudi Arabia's first LGBT pride parade?

We Will Rock You.

I'm casting my vote for official anthem of Reddit

I vote that it should be "Karma Chameleon".

If Nintendo had a police force what would their anthem be ?

Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U

What is the national anthem of South Korea?

Heart and Seoul.

What is the Puerto Rican national anthem?

Partly in the USA

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

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I don't get what this whole NFL anthem controversy is about...

I thought the right-wingers *WANTED* to see black people on their knees.

Yo momma so fat...

...she has an anthem and a flag .

Monty Python scheduled to sing National Anthem for NFL London game

However, officials pulled the plug at the last minute when it was revealed the comedians would be taking a Ni.

Did you see Mike Pence left the Colts game because the players knelt for the national anthem?

He was quoted as saying "I won't stand for this" on the way out

It's obvious why Mike Pence would never be able to kneel for the National Anthem

he's already on his knees for Trump

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A joke my dad told me

There is this guy who is horny and wants to call a prostitute.
He search online and comes across a special one.
"First in the world, can sing the national anthem while giving you a blowjob !"
So the guys is intrigued, and proceeds to call the lady.
They meet at a hotel and the guy lay...

The Catholic Church has chosen its anthem

Concerto for organ in a minor.

How did the dyslexic American mathematician sing the first line of his national anthem?

"Oh secant, you say?"

While I was on the bus, the person standing next to me played the national anthem

While I was sitting on the bus, the person standing next to me played the national anthem,

I stood up and he took my seat.

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A guy walks into a bar and bets the bartender he can fart the National Anthem...

the bartender says "You're on buddy! There's no way you can fart the entire National Anthem!" So the guy pulls down his pants and starts crapping all over the bar. The bartender shouts "What the hell are you doing?!" and the guy says "What? Even Pavarotti had to clear his throat."

Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals?

The headline read "Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong".

The CEO of Coca-Cola calls Vladimir Putin.

“Mr Putin! I noticed you’ve changed the Russian anthem. Do you have any plans to change the colors of your flag as well and return to the previous purely red flag? If you’d put a Coca-Cola logo in the corner, we’d solve all your financial troubles for the next five years.”

Putin puts the CEO ...

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A couple of centuries ago some kings held a new Olympic competition.

The new event was which king had the biggest penis. They measured all the kings, and here were the results:

The king of France got the bronze medal for 7 inches. All the Frenchmen cheered, knowing that the female tourists would want to sleep with them now. They then played the French national...

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One guy tell his friends he got the best blowjob he ever had but there was 1 thing that bothered him......

She turned off the lights and started giving him the best blowjob he ever had but then she started singing the national anthem during it.

So his friend decides to hook up with her as well and comes back and says it was the most amazing blowjob he ever had but that she also sang the national ...

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A drunk guy is in a bar.......

A drunk guy is in a bar when he suddenly says "Hey everyone! I bet I can fart the national anthem!" People start coming wondering if he'd really do it. The man then takes off his pants,kneels on the bare counter and takes a shit. The angry bartender then asks him what the fuck he was doing and the d...

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An American spy is sent into the Soviet Union

His name is John Smith and he has been training for this moment the last five years. He has perfectly mastered the Russian language and accent, can sing the Soviet anthem from memory and knows everything about Russian history.

In 1971, sixth of October, 3 AM local time he parachutes to the ou...

I know how to stop all these riots.

Play the national anthem, they'll all sit down.

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A guy felt a bit lonely

So he goes to a brothel and tells the madame that he wants something 'out of the oridinary'.

Madame replies: We've a goat. Do you want the goat?

The guy says: No, something even more kinky.

Madame: We've an alien from the planet Mars.

Guy: No, even more kinky.

Mad...

Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…"

"…country music."

A Russian spy is in the UK

A Russian spy is in the UK trying to dig up dirt on an MP.

He walks into a pub, sits next to the MP and orders a drink. He tries to start up a conversation but the MP says he knows he's a spy.

"Of course I'm not a spy, I can sing the whole British anthem", he then sings every verse per...

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The suspicious Soviet.

In the heat of the Cold war, the American C.I.A decides to send one of their best spy in Soviet Russia. The spy speak perfect Russians and learn the culture and history of the Russians.

Upon arrival in Moscow, the spies takes photography of nuclear implant, he follows Soviets politician throu...

If Americans are supposedly so racist towards Mexicans...

.....how come the first word of their national anthem is in Spanish?

The Old Ball Game

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and th...

The one about the mental patients and the baseball game

There once was a doctor at a mental hospital, who had to take care of the craziest and most mentally unstable patients in the hospital, which they called the "nuts." The doctor, along with his assistant, would soon get through a breakthrough by giving them simple orders and addressing them as "nuts....

A drunk guy goes up to a lady dressed in black

A drunk guy goes up to a lady dressed in black and says:
- Will you dance with me, lady?
- No and for three reasons.
- And what are the reasons?

With a very serious look on her face she says:

- Firstly you're drunk in a funeral, secondly you don't dance during the Nacional a...

a soldier finds himself outside after night fall

A soldier finds himself outside his base of operations in a foreign country after night fall. He managed to find himself back at the main gate of entry but was unable to produce any physical evidence that he was in fact born and raised in the USA. The guard at the gate was not allowed to let anyone ...

In the middle of the night...

...a frustrated wife starts singing the national anthem loudly. “What are you doing, darling?” inquires the husband. “Well, I was giving it one last shot, honey,” replied the wife, “the whole nation stands erect when this song is heard.”

A joke I heard a while back.

A doctor at a mental hospital promises the patients in his care that if they behave well for the next two weeks, he'd take them to a baseball game.When the day of the game arrived, the doctor and patients, along with the doctor's assistant, headed to the game. At the national anthem, the doctor said...

I read that Logic's touching performance at the Grammys tripled calls to the suicide prevention line,

Apparently Fergie's national anthem more than quintupled them

What Taiwan is like

Taiwan can't use its own flag or anthem in the Olympics, just like the refugees! But I'm not saying that Taiwanese are refugees, cus at least the UN cares about the refugees.

Why are everyone mad at Trump for sitting during Retreat?

It's France's national anthem

How do you stop the protests in Charlotte?

Sing the nation anthem they will sit down

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Jokes

Here's one my da told me when I was about 12 on the way home from school one day,

So there's this brothel in a small town;every drunken so and so tends to vist.Everyone was abuzz one evening when rumour came through of a madam in said brothal which whom could "sing the Irish national anthem w...

A young married couple are walking down the street...

...suddenly the girl trips and stumbles against something and gets mud on her shoes. Her partner helps her clean up, hails a nearby taxi and they drive off.

An eyewitness retells the scene to another:
"I saw this couple walk down the street, the woman tripped and fell in the mud, the guy h...

In order to stop all the black lives matter protests

Just play the national anthem on repeat, they will all sit down or kneel.

A man named Jose has just moved from Mexico to the US

and he wants to do something very American so he decides to go to a baseball game.

Unfortunately, the game is completely sold out. However, the cashier says there is one seat available if Jose is willing to sit atop the flag pole. He agrees.

Finding the pole, Jose climbs to the top an...

I hear that everyone loves it when you share your political views, so this is what I stand for...

the national anthem, old people on the bus and if someone yells "your chair is on fire"

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An American spy is drinking in a Soviet bar.

He is hoping for a politician to come and get drunk, so that he can steal secret Soviet intel.

All of a sudden, a Russian man walks up to him and says: "You! It is clear that you are a Western spy!"

The spy keeps his cool, he was trained for this. He speaks to the man in perfect Russia...

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A man finally hires the famous hooker who can give a blowjob and sing at the same time

Indeed, for months, the man's friends had been telling him about this hooker who gives amazing blowjobs while singing, so, even though he was sceptical, the man finally took action and hired her.

When the hooker finally comes, the man asks her if she can sing a national anthem while doing he...

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The best blow job ever!

Henry and his drinking buddy are sitting at the bar one day, having a few brews, when Henry's buddy declares " I've had the best blow job ever, from the most amazing prostitute I've been graced to know!". Henry, who is amused by the statement, asked "what made it so special!?" To which his buddy rep...

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A man walks into a pet store and sees a very expensive parrot...

A man walks into a pet store and sees a $3000 parrot...

"Wow, that's expensive", the man says to the clerk. The clerk responds that this particular parrot is very talented. "How so?", questioned the man.

"Well, if you pull on his right leg", he'll sing The Star Spangled Banner. So ...

An Englishman, An American and A Korean are on a ship...

The ship is in stormy waters, when suddenly a genie appears from the waves and tells them "I'm sorry, but you men will die in this storm. I have no power to prevent your death, but as some recompense I can grant you all one wish before you perish"

The three great friends begin to think before...

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Exam for athletes

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire wi...

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