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Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

So in essence, Jesus is >!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

Are Christian’s allowed to sing Eminem in church?

Or do their Psalms get sweaty?

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.

Is it a hymn or a her?

My favourite part of the Bible, Psalm:

body once told me the world was gonna roll me.

Psalm 26:6

"I wash my hands in innocence"

"Would you please stop fisting my daughter?"

A preacher buys a parrot

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23...

As election season ramps up, I'd like for us to take a moment and Pray for our President.

Psalm 109:8.

In these trying times, we all need to put our differences aside and make a special prayer for President Donald Trump. I suggest Psalm 109:8 ...

... "Let his days be few; and let another take his office."

Nun & Priest

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg instead of gear.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man came home from church with two black eyes

His wife had gone to an earlier service while he slept in and she was shocked when he came home.

"What happened to you at church?" she asked.

He explained, "We stood up to sing a psalm and I noticed the lady in front of me had her dress tucked way up her butt. You know me, always want...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor taught his parrot...

A pastor taught his parrot to recite the Lord's Prayer when he pulled a string on the parrot's right leg, and to recite the 23rd psalm when he pulls a string on his left leg. The pastor was showing this to a man in the church, he pulls the right string and the parrot recites the Lord's Prayer. He pu...

A priest, a Buddhist monk and a rabbi argue about who's the greater spiritual leader.

They agree to test their abilities by attempting the impossible: who can convert a bear to their religion.

Two weeks pass, the monk and the rabbi get a call from the priest to show up at the local church. They show up, and see the bear sitting in the front pew, singing psalms to the Lord.
...

Finally broke down and joined Christian Mingle.

My user name is: “CumGetPsalmOfThisDick” if you’re looking for a good time.

I finally broke down and joined ChristianMingle.com...

My username is ComeGetPsalm

A priest was driving A nun to church...

But suddenly the priest stops and tells the nun
"Im sorry sister but i have been dreaming of doing this"
he proceeds to stop driving and he put his hands under her robes and stroking her legs.
The nun replies with
"Father, remember Psalm 143:24"
The Priest responds with
"Im sorry ...

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school alone

He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She knew she needed to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but at the same time she wanted him to feel safe. So, she came up with an idea that would satisfy both objectives. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would follow her son...

A salesman knocked on my door.

He asked me if I wanted to buy a Gideon's Bible or I want to listen to him read the book of Psalms.

He was a stammerer.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash....

What do you call a religious tropical tree?

A psalm tree.

I went running with my Bible...

...now my Psalms are sweaty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out that even with all my masturbation I will still go to heaven.

Psalm 118 says: “Blessed is he who comes in the name of the lord”.

Who’s your favourite Christian rock band?

Mines psalm 41

I heard Shrek opened a new church so I decided to attend.

First thing they told us to do was open our bibles to Psalm: body once told me.

Not many people know this but there's actually a bible verse about Shrek

It's called Psalm-BODY ONCE TOLD ME!!!

Little Johnny is at Sunday school.

Johnny : Miss, please can I go to the toilet?

Teacher : Okay, but first you must answer a question. How do you spell psalm?

Johnny : S A L M

Teacher : Close, but you forgot about the silent P.

Johnny : I didn't miss, I can feel it trickling down my leg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newly anointed priest is given his first posting.

Father Ben a newly anointed priest is given his first posting of his career. He’s fairly young and very nervous, but seeing his distress, Father Todd the elderly priest he’s replacing was very thoughtful and had prepared some cheat sheets so everything would transition smoothly. Hidden behind the al...

I visited a dyslexic Christian clairvoyant today...

She read my Psalm

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