UPJOKE
mantraintonesingsonghymnanthemchorusmelodyreligious songgregorian chantsingingwordprayerodeditty

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I was walking past a mental hospital when I heard the patients on the other side of the fence chant “13…13…13!”

Curious, I looked through the fence to see what was going on.

Suddenly, I got stabbed in the eye by a dick through a crack in the fence.

The mental patients started chanting “14…14…14!”

What's it called when a group of drunk footballers in a pub start chanting 'OY OY OY'?

an ***Oy-ing.***

Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests

Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.

Cooking steak...

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for t...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 19 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

Sam: Hey Dave, I saw something really weird last night in the woods.

Dave: Oh yeah? What’d you see?

Sam: We’ll it’s kinda hard to explain, except it looked like a group of older women gathered around a fire, doing these weird chants and they started to get naked.. I mean that could only mean one thing..

Dave: Which is?

Sam: Exactly

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This is the first dirty joke my dad ever told me

So Dopey and the other seven dwarves go to visit the pope. Doc goes up to the pope and asks, "Pope can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"

He thinks for a moment. "No", he says, "There are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican."

The other dwarves chuckle.

"Well can yo...

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk;

But I never got the chants.

What do Croatian cheerleaders chant?

You go Slavia!

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms.

Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to...

At one of his rallies Trump had the crowd chanting 12 more years!

Personally I'm hoping for 12 to 20 with time off for good behavior.

The numbers game

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. ‘Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!’ goes the noise from within the mental hospital’s wards.

The man’s curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It’s not long before he finds a small cr...

Excercising their right to freedom of speech, witches gathered in DC, chanting "Brooms are for riding, not cleaning!"

They are calling for a sweeping reformation.

What does the Freudian monk chant while meditating?

MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!





(Sorry if repost, I just thought of this, but I can't be the first)

"STOP HITTING YOURSELF, STOP HITTING YOURSELF" the bully chanted

But I could not, for he popped off my prosthetics

I heard a bunch of Chinese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!"

They must be scared of the dark or something.

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A cocky man in a bus

He felt especially happy and satisfied with himself that day that he chanted, if my mom was the best and my father was the best, then I would naturally be perfect, and if my mother is intelligent and my father is intelligent, then I am a super genius
The bus driver however wasn’t happy and exhaus...

If you play a Windows Vista disc backwards, you can hear satanic chanting...

...what's worse, if you play it forwards, it installs Vista.

43 days!

A group of blondes walks into a bar with a picture of Elmo. They set the picture on a table and order several bottles of champagne. As the waiter returns with their champagne, the blondes are chanting, "43 days! 43 days! 43 days!" Intrigued, the waiter asks them what is going on. One of the blondes ...

A guy is walking down the sidewalk one day...

He happens to be strolling past an insane asylum with a huge wooden fence around the courtyard. Behind the fence he can hear a crowd of people chanting "14,14,14!" which gets his curiosity going. Up ahead of him, he can see a knothole in the fence so he heads over to it, leans down and peeks through...

There was a contest on who had the most children...

Contestant #1 walked out on the stage with 12 children behind him. The audience clapped politely, and one of the judges commented "That's a lot of kids, but you can do better."

Contestant #2 walked out on the stage, bringing with him 24 children, all of different ages. The audience clapped mo...

The Alzheimer’s Support Society chant...

What do we want?

We don’t know!

When do we want it?

What?

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

Walking past a mental institution

I heard the residents chanting “twelve, twelve twelve”. As I kept walking I noticed a small hole in the tall wooden fence. Since the residents were still chanting “twelve, twelve, twelve” I decided to peek through the hole and see what was happening. As soon as I looked, a stick came through the hol...

What did the monks chant during the electric boogie danceoff?

Ohm.

A man is walking down the street, when he starts to hear a chanting sound coming from behind a fence... 13..13..13..13..13..

As he gets closer he see's a small hole in the fence, the chanting's getting louder and faster... **13..13..13..** As he gets closer the chanting comes to a fearsome cresecendo, as he looks directly into the hole...



And a finger jabs him DIRECTLY in the eye, as the chanting resumes lo...

A Spartan, a Samurai and a Skald are summoned for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.


The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

A man is walking by a mental hospital and hears chanting.

A man is walking by a mental hospital and hears chanting from over the fence. He stops to listen and hears that they are saying "Five! Five! Five! Five!"

His curiosity peaked, he walks until he sees a hole in the fence. He puts his eye up to the hole to try to see what's going on, when he's p...

As the group of people finished their demonic chanting...

they stabbed an object, lying on the table, feeding it to someone.








♫ Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you ♫

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

What do vegan white nationalists chant at rallies?

Sieg-Kale, Sieg-Kale!

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A very rich man and a monk

(This is an old joke translated from bengali so forgive me for mistakes or reposts).


A very rich man had married a village girl and they were looking for a nice house.

Unable to find any apartment they went to visit a local monk of the village who was rumored to make wishes true o...

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A USMC veteran decides he wants to die in a very badass way.

After some time thinking, he figures the most badass way to die is while rowing across the Atlantic (keep in mind, he's a Marine; not too bright). So he makes his way to the East Coast, buys a dingy, and gets to rowing.

"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MARINE CORPS! MARINE CORPS!" he eagerly chants as...

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Wishes

A young girl was passing her teenage sister's bedroom door when she heard her sister talking. She opened the door slightly and saw her sister lying naked in bed and moaning. One hand was between her legs and the other was on her breasts, She rubbed herself vigorously as she muttered, "God I need a m...

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The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all...

If you play a Coldplay song backwards, you'll hear a lot of creepy, Satanic chanting in Latin

But if you play a Coldplay song the normal way, you'll hear something much worse. A Coldplay song.

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past a mental hospital the other day.
And the patients were shouting “13, 13, 13..” the fence was too high high to see over. But there was a small gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what’s going on….


Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick
And the next ...

A white politician goes to an Indian Rez for a stump speech.

"The native population is part of this great nation's heritage. I want to represent and further your interests". "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!" They chant.

"We should respect your culture and traditions while helping you advance in society, if that's what you wish." "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

"The count...

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A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

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Retired US Marine...

... had decided, that he had enough. So he goes, gets a rowboat and goes rowing towards Atlantic Ocean chanting: "1 2 3 Marine Corps, Marine Corps".

God sees this and goes:"Huh, this guy wants to die, it seems. Well I am going to be a dong and make him die in a most roundabout way"

S...

The Boy That Was Born Just a Head

There once was a boy that was born as just a head. On his 21st birthday, his Dad decides to take his son out to a bar to buy him his 1st beer. The father and son arrive at the bar and the Dad says to the Bartender, "2 beers please."

The boy that's just a head, finished his beer, and suddenly,...

Curiosity killed the cat

One day I was walking by a tall fence. On the other side I could hear a group of people chanting, "12! 12! 12! 12!" Confused, I tried to jump up and see over the fence, to see what's going on but the fence was too tall. A little further up, I saw a small hole in the fence. I walked up to it and pee...

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How to catch a fish

Another joke that i heard in Hindi many years ago. Trying to translate in English.

On a sunny day, a man was sitting by a river with his fishing hook in the water hoping to catch a fish. He was unsuccessful, so he goes the next day and the day after and continuously for several days with no ...

A group of blondes are chanting "31 days" in a bar...

so after awhile the bartender gets curious and asks one of the blondes "why are you ladies chanting 31 days?". The group parts and the blonde responds "you see this puzzle here?? we finished it in 31 days! and the box says 2-4 years"

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To whom was Shia LaBeouf chanting "*He will not divide us*" after he got arrested yesterday?

His buttcheeks.

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

A Test of Faith

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk and a Jehovah's witness, tired of the endless debates, decided to prove amongst themselves which faith was the real one, once and for all.

All three decided on the test:
They must each, one after the other, jump off a tall, steep cliff, and chant the ...

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

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The 7 Dwarfs on vacation



While on vacation, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to buy some souvenirs.

They meet up with the Mother Superior and Dopey stops to talk to her.

“Excuse me, your holy one but do you have any short nuns here?”

Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the ques...

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

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Death or Ruru?

Three men were flying over a deserted island. They experienced plane troubles and are forced to land. They soon were greeted by a group of Pigmies who kidnap them and take them back to their camp.

The three are given a choice as to their future. The Chief asks the first guy: "Death or Ruru?...

Why did the Tibetan Monks go to Las Vegas?

They are very good at games of chants.

Oingo Boingo

A group of men were captured in the deep darkest jungle by a tribe. They were trussed up, and marched into the camp, where they were drumming and singing.

The chieftain walked up to them and offered them each a choice. "Oingo boingo, or death?"

The first man said "well, I don't want ...

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Teacher says, “The president is coming to school! Now listen,

He’s a very powerful man and he must be respected.

When he gets out of his car everybody cheer.

When he walks up the steps shout, ‘again! again!again!’.

Finally, when he’s in the classroom chant his name”.

The president gets out of the car and steps on shit.

*Ever...

I was walking past the outside of an insane asylum the other day

and as I walked along beside it I heard chanting coming from behind the fence further up... they were chanting numbers, or rather just one number.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, ..." they excitedly chanted. All of them saying the same number over and over.

As I approached I s...

Three priests walk into a bar.

"I'm glad you're here." Says the barwoman. "I lost my precious diamond brooch. Would you please pray for me to find it?"

The first priest sits down. After a minute, he stands up, clutches his head and chants "Oh Lord, show mercy to Your maid servant, return that which she lost."

"What ...

At the old folks' home

A man was walking past a retirement home with a tall wooden fence along the side. He heard voices chanting, "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" coming from inside the fence. Curious, he spied a knothole in the fence and put his eye up to it to see what was going on in there. Just as...

The Monk and The Cow

A humble monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, and the river flows with the breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. Softly, the mo...

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican NSFW

When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies.

The other six dwarfs start to giggle.

"Well, are there any dwarf ...

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A man dies and goes to hell...

He arrives in hell to find Satan standing behind a podium, like a game show host, there are 3 doors behind him, marked 1,2 and 3, coloured Red, White and Blue.

The man walks up to Satan, Satan says “ Choose a door, but beware, once in you cannot leave” The man asks “ well what’s behind the do...

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth...

The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. Your son is just a head!

But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and
compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar an...

The Olympics of who has more children.

A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.

It's a competition of who has the most number of children the story of how the Filipino beat the American and a Brit.


It's the Olympics and a lot of audience gathered in a dome, a massive 80,000-seater oval dome. All seats are...

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

A man is walking besides the insane asylum

When he hears a commotion coming over the fence. The people inside the asylum are chanting

“FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE...”

He notices a small hole on the wall and curiously peeks inside to see what’s going on.

Someone pokes him in the eye with a stick. And then he hears chanting...

A boy was born without a body

A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.

So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes a...

A Man is walking home when

He passes a large privacy fence. On the other side of the fence he can hear about 3 or 4 children chanting," 12,12,12,12,12" very ritualisticly. He sees a small hole in the fence and gets right up to it so he can see what is happening on the other side. Just as he did a small finger came out of the ...

Pope and the Seven Dwarves

The Pope arrives to give a small sermon to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Shortly into the sermon, Dopey puts his hand up and asks, "Are there any dwarven nuns in Rome?"

"No", the Pope replies, and continues his service.

Not long passes and Dopey puts his hand up again and as...

The Pope visits the USA.

When he arrives at the airport, there is a group of people chanting "Elvis, Elvis, Elvis!" The Pope is a little confused, then says: "I am not Elvis. I am the Pope. God bless you and your families."

Later, when he arrives at his hotel, there is a bunch of people welcoming him there as well....

I went to a Catholic school. A very Catholic school...

When our football team was up against it, our cheerleaders broke out into Gregorian Chant.

A boy is born without a body

A boy is born without a body and miraculously survives. Even though he has no body parts below the neck he manages to make it through high school and on his 18th birthday his father takes him out for his first drink.

The boy drinks his first beer and instantly grows a torso. In utter shock, t...

Blondes are tired of people making fun of them.

Blondes across the world set up a convention to prove to everyone that they aren’t dumb. Thousands show up.

The main event begins. The announcer on stage goes, “We are tired of people thinking we’re dumb, so we’re here to prove everyone wrong!”

He points to a random blonde woman in the...

A man was very fond of his new Corvette. So, he invited a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor to come and bless it.

The Priest sprinkled the car with holy water and chanted in Latin, the Pastor invoked the name of god and led everyone into silent prayer, and the Rabbi sang a hymn and cut of the tip of the car’s tailpipe.

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A man walks into a pub [NSFW]

As he sits down, a man in rags walks in. All the people start chanting, with hostility, "rat fucker! Rat fucker!" The stranger sits down next to the man, ignoring all the insults, orders a pint, then splits.

The second day, the man comes back, and the same stranger walks in, to the chants of ...

i always thought it'd be fun to be a Hare Krishna

it's so unfortunate I never got the chants

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A guy is walking around an insane asylum with a huge brick wall on all four sides....

He here's chanting on the other side, "Twenty seven! Twenty seven! Twenty seven!"

Curious, he walks around the wall looking for a way to see in. Suddenly, he sees a perfect hole in the shape of a circle in the wall, about eight feet up. Wondering what the chanting is about, he searches until ...

A man was struck by a bus on a busy street.

He knew his injuries were too severe to survive so, being a devout Catholic, he called for a priest to pray for him in his last moments. The surrounding crowd frantically searched the area for a priest, but none could be found. Finally, an elderly Jewish man stepped out of the crowd. “Now I’m not a ...

The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

I just read a story about songs in history and the pitches in which they were sung.

For example, a march to battle was sung around middle D. Gregorian chants were sung from low D to middle G.

It seems that most, if not all, pirate shanties were sung on the high C’s.

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The Terrible Legend of Bahuda

Three explorers are making their way through a one of those generic jungles that always shows up in these sorts of jokes, when they are suddenly ambushed by a tribe of massive cannibals. (That's "massive" in the sense that they are very large, although they are also particularly passionate about eat...

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Earl was an airplane pilot with many years of experience.

Now Earl always had a dream: to try to do a loop-de-loop with a Boeing 747.
So on his last flight before his retirement, he told the passengers
"Hello, this is your captain Earl speaking. For many years, I wanted to try to do a loop-de-loop with a plane, and today is my last flight before re...

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer get caught by a barbaric tribe...

The tribe sentences all of them to death by beheading. The priest starts praying profusely as he stares up at the sharp bladed guillotine ready to end his life. His chants get stronger and frantic as the lever is finally pulled. Miraculously, the blade stops halfway and the tribe fearful of this man...

A group of deaf people get together to protest

The group begins chanting

“What do we want?”

“Hearing aids!”

When do we want them?”

“Hearing aids!

A blonde girl is tired of people making dumb blonde jokes...

So she decides to gather a stadium full of blondes to prove that not all blondes are dumb. She picks one woman from the crowd and asks her,

"What is the square root of 144?"

The woman thinks long and hard and answers, "Uhmmm, 7?"

The stadium starts chanting, "one more try!...

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