What does the Freudian monk chant while meditating?

MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!





(Sorry if repost, I just thought of this, but I can't be the first)

What did the monks chant during the electric boogie danceoff?

Ohm.

The Alzheimer’s Support Society chant...

What do we want?

We don’t know!

When do we want it?

What?

Communist president is fed up with his life and wants to die as a hero

He has a long speech at the next 1st May celebration in front of a huge crowd of people who all have to cheer and applaud every few seconds "Long live the president! Workers of the world unite!". He's getting really fed up and decides that best death for him will be to be torn to pieces by a wild cr...

I always wanted to be one of those Gregorian monks...

But I never got the chants.

God does an experiment with US Marines...

One lofty Sunday God looks down and sees a boat of six Marines paddling in the ocean, chanting; ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR...United States Marine Corps.

Impressed by their focus and intensity he ponders; "What would happen if I removed half their brain powers" and does so. "ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR...Unit...

What do vegan white nationalists chant at rallies?

Sieg-Kale, Sieg-Kale!

A man was walking down the street

when he passed by a tall wooden fence and heard a strange chanting on the other side.

"Ten! Ten! Ten! Ten!" was the chant from what sounded like a group of people.

Curious, he searched for a peep hole. When he found one, he peered through to see what was on the other side.

Sudd...

A pirate captain bought a parrot in a petshop...

Every time one of his subordinates got out of hand, he would make them walk the plank. And whenever this happened, everyone would chant "Make him walk the plank! Make him walk the plank!". Eventually the parrot picked this up and would start chanting it all the time. This got so annoying, the captai...

A blonde tries to prove that blondes aren't dumb at a blonde convention

So she goes on stage and a guy asks her math question while the crowd watches, the first question he asks is "What is 5 * 20?", she answers "80?", so the crowd starts to chant, "One more try! One more try!". So the guy asks another question, "What is 18 + 7", to which she replies, "30", and the crow...

A cowboy walks into a saloon.

He sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey. He chugs it down and says "TGIF!". A Mexican walks in, shakes his head, and says "SPIT!". A few minutes go by and the cowboy has downed his third whiskey. He stands up and declares, "TGIF!". The Mexican looks at the cowboy with a puzzled look, "SPIT" he ...

If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"

"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"

Quit While You’re Ahead

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son was old...

There are two kinds of cultists.

Those who can lead the rituals, and those who chant.

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

A group of blondes...

A group of blondes have a convention to prove that blondes are not dumb. They have a mathematician there to ask them questions. He calls one of the blondes up to the stage and asks her, “What is 50 multiples by 3.”

The blonde thinks for a second, then says, “100?”

“That is incorrect” ...

A boy was born without a body

A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.

So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes a...

The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

I'm sat at my desk repeating "I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye, I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye." I'm saying it quietly, though.

I don't want my colleagues to find out I have a pen chant for violence.

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The seven dwarfs are in church

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear
and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst
themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up
and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said...

A Muslim, Buddhist and Christian stands on a rooftop.

They all have great faith towards their respective God and agreed they jump from the rooftop of a 20-storey building and that they will be saved.

So the muslim, very firm in his belief, jumped first and started calling to Allah.
He chanted "AllahAllahAllahAllahAllah....." repeatedly with g...

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The Seven Dwarfs Go To Church

Father O'Malley was conducting mass at St. Paul's in New York one Sunday, and was quite perturbed at a repeated disturbance from the back row.

The seven dwarfs were in the church, sitting in a rear pew, and they were arguing and giggling amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance.
...

During a drought, a farmer remembers hearing about a native tribe who's rain dance is said to work every time...

so the next day he gets in his pickup and heads out to visit the tribes chief.

When he gets there he asks if the tribe would be able to preform a rain dance for him.

"Yes, we can call the spirits of water with our dance, but first I must gather the tribe, and my son is two states away ...

He looked like a winner

Until the crowd started to chant his name
"Kim Yu Suk"

A group of blondes go to the government

One day, a group of blondes go to the government. Outraged at being stereotyped as dumb, they demand that this label be made illegal immediately. After some thinking, the government grants the blondes a court date to give them the chance to prove their intelligence to the people.

Having fou...

A blonde is walking along the side of a highway...

When she sees a brunette jumping in the middle between the opposing lanes of traffic chanting "twenty, twenty, twenty..."

Curious the blonde asks what she's doing.

"I'm jumping up and down saying twenty, do it with me, " replies the brunette.

So they both start to jump when a tr...

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In honor of my dad, who passed away on Wednesday...here is his favorite joke.

Man finds the magic mirror (from Snow White) and gets excited to have his wish come true. So he chants: Magic Mirror on the Wall, make my penis touch the floor!

poof

His penis touches the floor.

His legs are also shorter. Way. Shorter.

A not-so-smart girl was once interviewing for a job.

The interviewers realised in a couple of minutes that she wasn't exactly the brainiest of the lot, but didn't want to call the interview off without giving her her due interview-time. So they're asking her simple questions to kill some time.

First interviewer: So, how old are you.

Girl...

A bartender is cleaning some glasses when a pair of blondes walk in...

...and he watches as they sit down at a table together.
He gets their orders but as he walks away he hears them chant, "Fifty-one...fifty-one...fifty-one..."

A few minutes later, a couple of more blondes join them at the table. Getting a bit rowdier with more drinks, they begin to chant l...

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen ... "

I was walking past a tall wooden fence the other day, you know the kind you see outside a building site. As I walked along beside it I heard chanting coming from behind the fence further up... they were chanting numbers, or rather just one number.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, ..."...

Ginger the baker

Once upon a time, in a very, very small town, there was a baker who was named Ginger. She was a very modest person, and not only was she humble, but also very soft spoken and kind. She was famous in the town for her baked goods, especially her cakes.

One day she was experimenting and created...

Three devotees decide to prove the power of their faith...

...they all decide to jump off a cliff one by one, all the while invoking the name of their chosen deity.

The first devotee, a Buddhist, proceeds to stand at the edge of the cliff and begins reciting the mora sutta. At the end of the chant he jumps and calls on Buddha three times: ***"Buddha ...

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The shortest tribe in the world

The Fuckawee tribe....In the long grass you can hear their chant...Where the Fuckawee!

A man walks by an insane asylum

He keeps hearing the crazy people inside shouting "3, 3, 3, 3" He becomes curious but he can't see over the large gate. He notices a small hole and decides to take a peak. Right when he looks someone from the other side sticks their finger right in his eye. The chant changes to 4 4 4!

10 Blondes and a Puzzle Box

One blonde walked into a tavern one day and asked for a table that will sit 10 and a for a pint. She received her beer and a table that would sit 10. Later 2 more blondes walked in and ask for a pint a piece and sat by the blonde from before. More and more blondes came in until 9 sat at the table....

My favorite blonde joke

-Source: I don't remember where I first saw it, but when I googled it coolblondejokes.com got first result

One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb.
They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."
...

Death or Boogaloo”?

Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone. The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders.

The chief walks to the men and says, ” What do you choose, Death or Booga...

A man is walking on a sidewalk past...

An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "f...

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The Seven Dwarfs go to Rome to see the Pope...

Since they are the famous Seven Dwarfs they taken to see the Pope immediately. The Pope greets the dwarfs and Dopey who is leading the group say "Your most high excellence, we have traveled far for you wisdom. Are there any midget nuns in Rome?"

The Pope looks at the dwarfs curiously and resp...

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A man and his son walk into a bar.

A man and his son walk into a bar. Sitting on the counter is a jar full of cash, labeled "The Challenge Jar". When asked about the jar, the bartender replies: "This is the challenge jar, if you complete three challenges, you get to take home the money. To learn what the challenges are, you need to p...

A young boy gets his first homework...

A young boy attends his first day in first grade, and is set his first piece of homework. His teacher asks him to find out the alphabet. Eager to please, he goes home that day and starts by asking his mother. He asks "mom, what's the first letter of the alphabet?". His mom is busy with housework, so...

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Breast Hypnotist

A woman, self conscious about her small breasts, is complaining to a girlfriend one day when the girlfriend tells her that her own problems where solved buy a corrective hypnotist. "It's easy", she says, "instead of surgery he hypnotizes your breasts!" Doubtful she checks it out. The hypnotist sits ...

Ok so there's this brunette who is determined to vanquish the stereotype that all blonds are dumb

so she invites one million blond people to her event and manages to get her event televised all over the world. She then points to a blond sat on the front row and asks her to get on the stage.

"Ok, today is the day, I'm here to prove to you all that blonds are not dumb people, just regular p...

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i took almost 2 weeks...

The mayor wanted to get more townspeople to attend the city council meetings. one council member suggested a hypnotist. Everyone thought it was a good idea.
A few weeks later, the town hall was packed and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist took out a pocket watch and began to chant,...

A man was walking down the street...

A man was walking down the street when he saw the sanatorium dead ahead.

The sanatorium had a large field with high walls so no one could climb them, inside there were lot's of people chanting with loud voices.





''51! 51! 51! 51! 51!"





The man was v...

Who has the most children

There was a contest held to determine which race can produce the most amount of children in their lifetime. The 3 finalists were India, China and The Philippines.

The judges called the first contestant to the stage. Mr. India proudly announced " I have a very big family! I have 100 kids!!!". ...

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Ellen

In a poll for the audience, Ellen asks for a show of hands how often they have sex with their partners.

She asks, "Two or three times a week?" Some hands go up

Then, "Once a week?" Some other hands go up.

To be facetious, "Once a year?"

A gentlemen in the back shoots up ...

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Outback church healing..

Small church in the outback and the congregation are getting excited and filled with healing power. The priest asks the congregation for anyone with an illness to come forward. He holds his hands on the persons head and says, 'Pray with me people, let the healing power of the Lord prevail!'
The c...

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A kinky guy goes into a brothel...

Walks up to the front desk and explains that he's got particular tastes, but he's prepared to pay extra.

The madame reassures him that all their girls are very well trained, and directs him to a room where she promises he will find everything he needs. If not, let the girl know and she can se...

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