A man kneeled in protest as the hymn played...

...but no one at church seemed to mind.

A man stepped out of his house to go for his afternoon walk when he noticed his neighbor had two black eyes...

"Whatn' hell happened to you Frank?"

"Well, I was in church last Sunday and I noticed a lady in front of me had her dress stuck up in her buns so being the gentleman I am I reached down and pulled the dress free and she turned around and hit me between the eyes"he replied.

The neighbor...

A man was very fond of his new Corvette. So, he invited a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor to come and bless it.

The Priest sprinkled the car with holy water and chanted in Latin, the Pastor invoked the name of god and led everyone into silent prayer, and the Rabbi sang a hymn and cut of the tip of the carโ€™s tailpipe.

My favorite hymn

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then ...

I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland.

The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.

What do Finnish churches and Mortal Kombat have in common?

Finnish hymns

A kaddish is a hymn of praises to God found in a Jewish prayer service. What is its Muslim equivalent?

A kaboom!

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.

Is it a hymn or a her?

What pronouns does the Pope go by?

He/hymn

My son is in the church choir

I didnโ€™t think he had it in hymn

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

John arrives in heaven and...

...at the entrance St. Peter shows him a high, high-rise building where he must enter.

The problem is that the building does not have an elevator so they slowly take the stairs.

On the first floor there is a corridor with doors on both sides and from all rooms there can be heard religi...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

My Christian friend got caught masturbating to a hymn

It gave a whole new meaning to 'O Come All Ye Faithful'

I downloaded some hymns for my ipod

New praylist.

Why are priests from Finland so good at Mortal Kombat?

They're especially well-versed in Finnish hymns.

A pastor is finishing up his sermon on sunday morning...

"In preparation for my sermon next week, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17. You are dismissed." So next week everybody comes back to church. After singing a few hymns, the pastor comes to the pulpit.

"How many read Mark chapter 17 like I said last week?" Everyone raised their hand. The ...

A man walks into work with two black eyes.

His boss asks what happened.

The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the b...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man shows up to work with a black eye...

His co-worker Buddy asks him "Where'd you get that shiner from, Dan?"

Dan says "I got it at church this weekend"

Buddy: "How the hell do you manage to get a black eye at church?"

Dan: "Well I sitting behind this big fat lady and when we stood up to sing hymns I noticed her dress...

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along. The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".


Navy Admiral calls a squid over a...

The Lord of an 19th century English manor is having an affair with one of his chambermaids...

One day the chambermaid is giving him a blow-job when she hears the lady of the house approaching. She stops what she's doing and looks up at him. At that moment, he climaxes and manages to get some right in her eye.

It's messy and burning, she runs to the door, rubbing her face and tearing u...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

One evening, a vicar has a brilliant idea.

Wouldn't it be wonderful, he thinks, to have a parrot in the church doorway to greet the congregation as they arrive on Sundays.

So, next morning, he gets up bright and early, and heads off to the nearest pet shop, where he enquires about parrots.

They have but one parrot in stock, and...

A woman was nervous about messing up during her wedding ceremony

She spoke with the preacher who offered her assurance.
"Just remember 3 things and you will be fine" he said.
"Number 1, walk down the aisle. Number 2, stand in front of the alter. Number 3, step forward to me after the hymn."
The preacher then assured her that he would guide her through ...

What do you call a religious song from Helsinki that describes the end of a Mortal Kombat match?

A Finnish Hymn

Grandpas joke: Ellen's church recognition

Ellen was very involved with her church and community projects. So much so, the paster decided to recognize her efforts during Sunday service.

Paster Davis: I'd like to take a moment to recognize Ellen for her hard work and contributions. Ellen come up here and take a bow.

Ellen smi...

Why do people say amen instead of awomen at church?

Because they sing hymns, not hers.

The Bell Ringer

A priest stands alone in his church. It is a beautiful old church with a great tall bell tower. Suddenly, the front doors of the church open and a hobbled old man walks in. He is barely able to walk and his back is so hunched he can barely look up at the priest. The old man walks up to the priest an...

A man had been stranded on a desert island for ten years

A cruise ship happens to spot his smoke signals and and immediately stops at the island and rescues him.
Once they greet the man ashore, the captain asks if the newly rescued man wouldn't mind giving them a small tour of the home he'd made for himself.
The man obliges, and shows him the p...

What does a gospel singer say to clear his/her throat?

a hymn

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

...in the bathtub.

(attach "in the bathtub" at the end of the post above this, or alternately, click on the front page and add "in the bathtub" to the post titles)
This is more of a social experiment than a joke.
In my church-going days (way back when) my friend showed me a game where you flip to a random song i...

Charlie came to work with two black eyes today.

"What happened to you"

"She hit me like she was a man. Twice."

"Who?"

"I was in church yesterday, with my sister and her boys. The old widow Mrs. Marshal was in front us. She was sitting in a folding chair with a cushion. When she stood for a hymn my nephews started giggling an...

Why does Shang Tsung always enjoy a religious song from Finland?

Because it's a Finnish hymn.

At church, what three words are foremost in a bride's mind on her wedding day?

"Aisle,altar,hymn.โ€

A man was passing by a small courtyard when he starting hearing...

...voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said, "NIL."

White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and a...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

the Steel Guitar Network - Church Bulletin Bloopers

Church Ladies With typewriters ...

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
____________________________________________...

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