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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a hu...

Why do fluorescent lights hum?

They don’t know the words.

When I’m trying to find a hum in my music studio:

Hmmmm.

——

I made this up and no matter how few upvotes it gets im proud because it’s original.

I brought my car to a mechanic and asked him, “Do you have any idea why my car is humming?”

He replied, “Probably because it doesn’t know all the lyrics.”

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

My mom taught me that it is impossible to hum and wink at the same time...

She also taught me that I was gullible, kind of like the people who are reading this and just tried to hum and wink with ease. Thank mom, I love you!

Why do bees hum?

Cos they don’t remember the lyrics.

My dad just read an article entitled "Mars is humming. Scientists aren't sure why."

His response? "Maybe it doesn't know the words."

Do songbirds get mad...

At humming birds for not knowing the lyrics?

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A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. The elder nuns insisted that only they would attend to him. The next evening there was a crash and a scream!! The sister ran out the door as fast as she could.

Sister Marry Cla...

What was Jeffrey Epstein humming before dying?

"All the right moves", One Republic

Today at school, I accidentally started humming "Pumped Up Kicks"...

I didn't even realize I was doing it until someone told me. When I realized what song it was, the other person screamed in panic and ran away. I don't know why, all I said was, "Oh, shoot!"

(Sorry this is super bad, I couldn't figure out how to word it, it's a work in progress!!!)

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What did the pimp say when he found out one of the girls in his prostitute choir couldn't sing?

Ho hum!

Dads are like boomerang

Hum... i hope

Person 1: [Humming a continuous tone]

Person 2: Why are you doing that?

Person 1: Doing what?

Person 2: You’re just humming the same note without stopping.

Person 1: Oh that? I’m just waving.

Person 2: Huh?

Person 1: It’s sine language.

The teacher asked little Johnnie if he had ever seen a humming bird...

Little Johnnie said, "No, but one time I saw a spelling bee."

Why don't hummingbirds sing songs?



Because they don't know the words.

John went to the pub for some light drinking

He found a few old buddies and ended up drinking late into the night.

When he finally returned home at 3AM, he was expecting to be scolded, beaten and taunted by his wife. He was so drunk he passed out on the sofa.

The next morning he wakes up to find his wife humming tunes happily. Sh...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

I listened to All Star so many times it gave me tinnitus.

Now, my ears start humming and they don't stop humming.

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

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The story of the magic Fairy in the wood!

A guy wonders in the woods, seeking for mushrooms

he picks up one, and by magic a fairy APPEARS!

"Hello, im the magic fairy you've been very nice boy, i will grant you ONE wish" say the fairy

the guy, in shock, shruggs

"hmm..Well..**hehe**.., im a waiter..in a restaurant...

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

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A Buddhist, a Christian and a Muslim are on a plane.

They plan to jump from the plane without a parachute, and whoever survives will prove once and for all, which religion is superior.

The first to jump is the muslim. As he falls he prays with all his heart to God, but he hits the ground and dies.

The second to jump is the Buddhist. He f...

A newly wed couple are in bed together

A newly wed couple are in bed together.
The wife reaches over to grab her husband.

"Oh my God, it's so big" she said.

The husband gave a pleased hum.

"Are they all this big?" She asked.

"More or less," he said.

"It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed.
<...

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Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

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The only survivor of a shipwreck washes up on a deserted island

He’s stranded alone on the island for over ten years surviving on coconuts and fish. One day he’s sitting on the beach thinking about life back home when a woman in a wetsuit and scuba gear stands up in the ocean and starts walking out of the surf, fins in hands. The man shakes his head and blinks h...

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When a hummingbird orgasms

It becomes a cummingbird

Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

A: No, but that's cool man, you hum a few bars and I'll fake it.



A: Two hundred and twenty.



One to hold the bulb

Two to turn the ladder

Seventeen on the guest list.

200 to say their mate is on the guest list and they are their plus one.

Day in court

In the traffic court of a large city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A ...

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

A man wakes up after a long night of drinking.

He goes down to his kitchen and sees his wife with a big grin and humming cheerfully to herself. She prepares a massive breakfast full of the man's favorite foods. She gives him a kiss and heads upstairs to change for work. The man is extremely confused as he had no idea what the occasion was. He lo...

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So a Cruise Ship Sinks...

So a cruise ship sinks in the middle of the pacific and three guys find themselves stranded on a desert island after being adrift in a life raft for a week.

After being on the island for a couple days a plane flies overhead and sees their SOS on the beach. With their supplies almost exhauste...

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A doctor assembled a large auditorium of people.

He says thank you for join me today, I’m going to ask you personal questions as a group, this is for a study of mine please be honest and don’t be shy.

How many people have sex everyday? The people who raised their hands where happy good looking and seemed to be doing great in there lives....

A man walks in a bar and asks the bartender

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : Humm, no, we don't

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : No, we don't have bananas

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : No, we don't have bananas here

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : NO, we don't
...

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An old Russian man is at his dying wife's bedside.

The doctor on visit to their apartment looks her over and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but the only way to save your wife is to have anal sex with her."

"I can't do it," says the man, "I'm a loyal Communist and have dutifully served my country. I fought the entire war and earned many medals, in...

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Bar Joke Alert

Guy walks into a bar. There's a blind pianist with a dancing monkey there, but the man thinks nothing of it and orders a beer.

The monkey chitters, runs over, and dips his ass in the guy's beer before scarpering off.

Guy cusses out the monkey and orders a second beer. Monkey runs over ...

I can prove evolution wrong..

Humming birds have existed for thousands of years and they haven't learned the words yet.

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America buys a rocket from the Russians

As they start working on it, it stops working. They call the Russians and they say they will send their best technician.

The tech arrives and gives the rocket a look, presses a button and the rocket hums to life, ready for work. He gives the Americans the bill

"10k?!?! For a single but...

At a job interview, they asked me how well I could perform under pressure.

I told them I could hum a few bars, but I was more of a fan of Bohemian Rhapsody.

The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. One day, a guided school tour arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ...

Things I do to annoy my wife...

1) Say 'bless yooou' in the same intonation as her 'Atchooo'

2) Sing "Little red corvette... the kind you find in a second-hand store"

3) Bring her an empty plate and say "Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!"

4) Leave a room, fart loudly, return as if nothing's h...

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A guy wakes up, still hungover from the last night...

He notices his wife is being super nice to him - she makes him breakfast in bed, asks him if he needs anything, hums to herself happily.

Confused, he asks his kid: "Psst, hey, what's going on?".

The kid says: "Well, last night you came home drunk as a skunk, kicked the dog, vomited on...

LPT: Forgot the name of a song but know the tune?

Just upload a video of you humming it onto YouTube and you'll immediately get a copyright claim stating the name of the song!

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A man wakes up in the morning, costantly repeating "Eighteen".

He takes a shower and mumbles: "Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen...."

He eats his breakfast and keeps saying: "Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen...."

Gets dressed for work, while still saying: "Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen, E...

A group of three successful bowlers traveled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game. Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.

The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.


"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice"


"That preposterous" said one of the bowlers.


"No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely att...

Dave and Colin had a friendly rivalry spanning many years. They played a drinking game where they would catch a mosquito each, knock it out and put it in their left ear. The first mosquito to wake up designated the winner. As I watched one night Dave jumped up, pointed at his friends glass and said

Fill Colins! I can feel it humming in my ear tonight

An American, a Hindu, and a Russian land in Purgatory.

A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?" The America...

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

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Romance and music

I got into the house tonight and there was a lovely smell of a joint roasting.

Candles were lit, there was some chill out music playing and a bottle of wine was on the coffee table with two glasses.

I smiled and went into the kitchen, where she had her back to me.

I watched her ...

A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes...

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

what does a bee eat for lunch?

hum burgers

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An American college student goes to Dublin for St Patrick’s Day

He's getting hammered in a pub, and goes to take a leak. He steps up to the urinal, and this little guy, with a bright orange beard, and all in green, steps up next to him, whips out this giant dick and starts pissing too. The American guy has never seen a dick that big, and he kind of blurts out, “...

A luxury cruise liner is about to leave port

when the engine breaks down. Every mechanic on staff tries everything they can think of to get it running, but no luck. Desperate, the captain begins asking passengers if there's any mechanics on board. A retired old salt steps forward and says "I have 50 years experience as a navy mechanic, mayb...

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

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A man walks into a bar.

He sits down and says, "three fingers of scotch, please." So the bartender pours him his drink and sets it down in front of him.

Just as the guy reaches for it, though, a monkey leaps out of the shadows, dips its balls in the drink, and disappears just as quickly as it came.

"Wha...

The priest reached out and pressed the bell for the boy.

A local priest was walking down the street of his small town. He was happily humming a tune when he saw a little boy trying to reach the doorbell of a nearby house.

“Hey there, kid” said the priest with a kind smile, “let me help you out.” The priest reached out and pressed the bell for the b...

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The organ grinder

On a hot day an organ grinder comes into a bar with his monkey and orders a beer. As the organ grinder is sipping his beer, the monkey runs down the bar, squats over a martini, and dips his balls in to cool off.

The guy with the martini shoos the monkey away and orders another martini.
...

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Tom Jones Syndrome

This guy went to his doctor and said,

“Doc, I can’t stop singing certain songs. All morning I’ve been humming ‘The Green, Green Grass Of Home.’ Yesterday it was, ‘Delilah.’ Last week I sang ‘What’s New Pussycat?’ at least 100 times! What’s wrong with me?”

The Doctor says, “Sounds ...

A knight walks up to a peasant on a bridge

The peasent happily hums to himself "twenty-six... twenty-six... twenty-six".

The knight asks the peasant what's he humming about and he calmly answers that the knight should look down the bridge to find out. So the knight bends over the bridge, looks into the water, just as the peasant kicks...

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Three men are waiting to see the doctor...

...and as they wait, they begin to reveal to each other why they are seeking medical attention.

The first man reveals:

‘Gentlemen, when I go to the toilet, I can’t do number 1. I’ve sat, I’ve stood, I’ve whistled, I’ve hummed, and all in vain. My balls (since pee is stored therein) ar...

An old man is lying on his deathbed.

Slipping peacefully away, he is half-aware of one sense after another fading, his sight growing dim, a blessed silence falling... and then something half-forgotten teases at his nose and he twitches as it registers. It's a delicious savoury scent wafting up the stairs - his wife's wonderful cheese s...

A company develops a machine for evaluating IQ.

The scientists developing it asks for the help of the supervisor, manager and president of the firm to test the machine.


When the supervisor places his head on the machine, it responded: 'IQ 160', and he was very impressed.


When the manager places his head on the machine, it re...

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The Army is undergoing budget cuts.

Cpt. Davis sitting in his tent, hears the roar of a helicopter and heads outside. Instead of a vehicle, however, there are three very confused soldiers sitting on top of a fourth soldier making helicopter noises with his mouth.

"The hell's going on here?" Davis yells

"Well, captain, af...

If communism would adapt English, they would adapt to British English.

ColOURs, FlavOURs, FavOURite and humOUR.

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Took me a while

*When I was a kid, my mom always used to quote the punchline of this joke. Today, four decades later, I finally heard the joke itself.*

On a hot day, a guy ducks into a bar for a beer. There is no one in the bar but the bartender, a pianist, and a little monkey dancing on the piano.

...

Doctor sets up a clinic

A doctor sets up a clinic and advertises that he can fix whatever problem you have for $500; but if he can't fix the problem he will pay you $1000. A man sees his ad and thinks that this is ridiculous, so he tries to exploit the doctor. He goes into the office and says "I can't taste anything". The ...

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So a you see a group of hot blondes walk into the bar

and claimed a booth, Greg had idly thought it was probably time for a bachelorette party or a girls' night out.

When a group of religious leaders had strolled through and gathered at the bar, he had wondered—a little more actively—if he had ever actually seen any such persons in his bar befor...

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Guy walks into a bar...

He notices an old drunk in a corner playing a piano. There's a scribbled sign that says "Taking Requests" and a tip jar. And on top of the piano sits a mangy looking monkey. The guy sits at the bar and orders a drink. As soon as the bartender sets the drink on the bar the monkey scampers over, jumps...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a martini. When its served a monkey runs up to the drink

and lowers his balls into the martini. Shocked, the man yells at the bartender, "Did you see that? What are you gonna do about that?" The bartender says, "I can't do anything, the monkey belongs to the pianist." The man storms over to the piano player and says, "Do you know your monkey dipped his ba...

What do you call a grasshopper that forgot the words to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas?"

A "hum" bug.

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A man walks into a bar for the first time

He sees an old blind pianist in the corner with a small monkey on his shoulder.

He thinks to himself "This place seems nice" , and he orders a pint of beer.

He's looking round admiring the decor when suddenly the blind pianists monkey runs over, and dips his balls in the pint of beer a...

My first time...

He was much older than me, and very experienced it seemed.
I was afraid.
“Lie down”, he said, “and open up”.
I did what he said, even though I didn’t want to.
Then he put it in.
“Please, no!” I wanted to say, but couldn’t, cause suddenly he had his whole hand in my mouth.
It ...

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