Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don't know the words to the song.

I listened to All Star so many times it gave me tinnitus.

Now, my ears start humming and they don't stop humming.

A man walks in a bar and asks the bartender

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : Humm, no, we don't

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : No, we don't have bananas

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : No, we don't have bananas here

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : NO, we don't
...

what does a bee eat for lunch?

hum burgers

An American, a Hindu, and a Russian land in Purgatory.

A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?" The America...

At a job interview, they asked me how well I could perform under pressure.

I told them I could hum a few bars, but I was more of a fan of Bohemian Rhapsody.

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Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to th...

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An American college student goes to Dublin for St Patrick’s Day

He's getting hammered in a pub, and goes to take a leak. He steps up to the urinal, and this little guy, with a bright orange beard, and all in green, steps up next to him, whips out this giant dick and starts pissing too. The American guy has never seen a dick that big, and he kind of blurts out, “...

Things I do to annoy my wife...

1) Say 'bless yooou' in the same intonation as her 'Atchooo'

2) Sing "Little red corvette... the kind you find in a second-hand store"

3) Bring her an empty plate and say "Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!"

4) Leave a room, fart loudly, return as if nothing's h...

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

A knight walks up to a peasant on a bridge

The peasent happily hums to himself "twenty-six... twenty-six... twenty-six".

The knight asks the peasant what's he humming about and he calmly answers that the knight should look down the bridge to find out. So the knight bends over the bridge, looks into the water, just as the peasant kicks...

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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft...

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The organ grinder

On a hot day an organ grinder comes into a bar with his monkey and orders a beer. As the organ grinder is sipping his beer, the monkey runs down the bar, squats over a martini, and dips his balls in to cool off.

The guy with the martini shoos the monkey away and orders another martini.
...

A group of three successful bowlers traveled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game. Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.

The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.


"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice"


"That preposterous" said one of the bowlers.


"No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely att...

If communism would adapt English, they would adapt to British English.

ColOURs, FlavOURs, FavOURite and humOUR.

The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. One day, a guided school tour arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ...

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A guy wakes up, still hungover from the last night...

He notices his wife is being super nice to him - she makes him breakfast in bed, asks him if he needs anything, hums to herself happily.

Confused, he asks his kid: "Psst, hey, what's going on?".

The kid says: "Well, last night you came home drunk as a skunk, kicked the dog, vomited on...

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A kid asks his dad "What's the difference between realistically and potentially?"

The father responds with "Go ask your siblings and your mother if they would have sex with a celebrity for a million dollars."


The boy asks his mom "Would you have sex with George Clooney for a million dollars?"


The mother responds " While I am a married woman, that is a lot...

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An Amish man and his son are exploring a department store

They look on in amazement at all the items available in all the different departments. As they venture further into the store, the man and his son come across an elevator. The man stares in bilwilderment at what this strange machine does when an old, obese woman in a electronic wheelchair scoots by,...

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So a you see a group of hot blondes walk into the bar

and claimed a booth, Greg had idly thought it was probably time for a bachelorette party or a girls' night out.

When a group of religious leaders had strolled through and gathered at the bar, he had wondered—a little more actively—if he had ever actually seen any such persons in his bar befor...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a martini. When its served a monkey runs up to the drink

and lowers his balls into the martini. Shocked, the man yells at the bartender, "Did you see that? What are you gonna do about that?" The bartender says, "I can't do anything, the monkey belongs to the pianist." The man storms over to the piano player and says, "Do you know your monkey dipped his ba...

What do you call a grasshopper that forgot the words to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas?"

A "hum" bug.

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A man walks into a bar.

He sits down and says, "three fingers of scotch, please." So the bartender pours him his drink and sets it down in front of him.

Just as the guy reaches for it, though, a monkey leaps out of the shadows, dips its balls in the drink, and disappears just as quickly as it came.

"Wha...

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, orders a beer, walks over to the piano, and sets his beer down on it. The piano man's monkey climbs over and pees directly into the glass of beer. The man says
"Hey, do you know your monkey peed in my glass?!?"
The piano man says
"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll ...

Doctor sets up a clinic

A doctor sets up a clinic and advertises that he can fix whatever problem you have for $500; but if he can't fix the problem he will pay you $1000. A man sees his ad and thinks that this is ridiculous, so he tries to exploit the doctor. He goes into the office and says "I can't taste anything". The ...

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A man walks into a bar for the first time

He sees an old blind pianist in the corner with a small monkey on his shoulder.

He thinks to himself "This place seems nice" , and he orders a pint of beer.

He's looking round admiring the decor when suddenly the blind pianists monkey runs over, and dips his balls in the pint of beer a...

Music in Prison

I knew a guy who got sent to a prison in New York and while there, would hum along to Benny Goodman recordings. He would sing Sing, Sing, Sing in Sing Sing.

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Took me a while

*When I was a kid, my mom always used to quote the punchline of this joke. Today, four decades later, I finally heard the joke itself.*

On a hot day, a guy ducks into a bar for a beer. There is no one in the bar but the bartender, a pianist, and a little monkey dancing on the piano.

...

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Guy walks into a bar...

He notices an old drunk in a corner playing a piano. There's a scribbled sign that says "Taking Requests" and a tip jar. And on top of the piano sits a mangy looking monkey. The guy sits at the bar and orders a drink. As soon as the bartender sets the drink on the bar the monkey scampers over, jumps...

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Open mic night trouser malfunction

At an open mic night a guitarist is taking requests and singing to the crowd. A women and her daughter are enjoying the music when they notice that the guitarists fly is down and his manhood is hanging out for all to see. This fact seems to be lost on the guitarist. The daughter asks her mother if t...

What do bees eat?

Hum-burgers

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A multiethnic group of third grade boys are sitting around at recess.

They're all nearing that magical age where the birds and the bees are becoming more and more fascinating; so they all decide to compare dicks. The white third grader pulls his out first, and it's pretty hum-drum, nothing special about it. The Hispanic third grader pulls his out, and it's bigger than...

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An Extraterrestrial Encounter (NSFW)

A husband and wife were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary at home on their farm in the middle of nowhere. They were a happy couple, enjoying each other's company when suddenly a bright light flooded their bedroom. The winds picked up and howled, rattling the windows. A low, resonant hum ech...

John's English Literature teacher saw that John had fallen asleep:

"Now let me ask you guys a question, who wrote HAMLET? John? Can you tell me?"

John woke up and rubbed his eyes: "Hum, aaaaa, Mrs. Black, honestly, hum,I didn’t do it!"

The class filled with laughters. The teacher was angry: "Get out of my class and tell your parents to come to see me ...

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