Hair Salons, Tanning Salons, Gyms, Spas, The Clinique Counter...

All closed.

It's getting ugly out there.

When they didn't accept my discount, I gave my local tanning salon a low rating...

It seemed a little shady to me.

Why did the orange go to the beauty salon?

Because it needed a peeling.

Three light-skinned gentlemen walked into a tanning salon

They were looking to get their tan. The owner of the salon were happy to recieve them and asked them what tans they wanted.

The first gentleman said he wanted a light tan, so the salon owner led him to a tanning bed that was colored caramel.

The second gentleman said he wanted a gold...

All shops including beauty salons have been shut down!

....those that roams the streets now look even more deadlier than corona!

A legless man tries to get a pedicure and sues the salon for discrimination when they refused

Sadly, he didn’t have a foot to stand on in court.

TIL Tom Petty had a brother that owned his own nail salon

Manny Petty

How do you call an area populated by run-down Italian beauty salons?

A spa-ghetto


... I am so ashamed of myself...

People always ask why my trips to the salon are so quick.

I take the shortcut.

I’m opening a new tanning salon in Africa.

Im going to call it Tanzania. (Tans in ‘ere)

Wife came home from a beauty salon

Husband: "Well, at least you tried."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Salon and Fast food

The hair salon near where I live, has a special offer where you get free McDonalds whilst you wait for your color to set. . .

It's called "Eat crap & dye".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a nail salon and Hitler have in common?

They both remove polish with chemicals

What do you call a nail salon in a gentrified area?

White Claw.

A rabbit walks into...

A hare salon

What do you call the girl with dandruff who missed her appointment at the hair salon?

Flakey

It’s my dream to open a dentist office/manicure salon

I’m fighting tooth and nail to make it happen

Three Southern Ladies Are Chatting In A Hair Salon

First lady says "I call my man Sugar"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so sweet"

Second lady says "I call my man Tree"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so big and firm"

The third lady says "I call my man Courvoisier"

The others a ask "Courvois...

A guy walks into a salon for a shave.

The barber hands him a rubber ball to hold between his jaws while he smoothly shaves around his jawline.
Guy: thats a neat idea! but what if I accidentally swallow this ball?


Barber without raising an eyebrow: "Just bring it back tomorrow."

My girlfriend went to the hair salon and got rid of four inches

She got her hair colored and then dumped me.

News: A car crashed into a hair salon yesterday afternoon.

Still waiting for the highlights!

"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..."

"He took a long look at me and gave me $300"

I hate the product hair salons use for perms...

The smell makes my hair curl.

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

What does a woman with a missing finger get at the nail salon?

10% off.

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

A blonde walks into a salon with headphones over her ears...

... the hairstylist she goes to is baffled by the headphones, and when he tries to take them off, the blonde swats his hand and says, "No! Don't take them off!" So the stylist cuts around them.

The blonde becomes a regular to the salon, always wearing the headphones. One day, the stylist b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guys goes to the doctor because he is often delirious

The doctor says;

“Listen, take this syringe, go home, and inject some anti-bacterial dish soap RIGHT into your veins”

The guys says “Ok” then goes home and does exactly that.

The next day he returns and says “Doctor, i did what you said, and it made my penis shrivel into a lit...

Sherlock opens a salon.

Sherlock combs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl walks into a hair salon eating a twinkie

The stylist thinks nothing of it and begins to cut her hair. The cut hair falls and lands on her twinkie, so the stylist says "hey, your getting hair on your twinkie." The little girl smiles and jumps up and says "Yea, and im getting tits too!"

What's worse than being a tanning salon owner in Africa?

Being a Somali Uber driver in Columbus, Ohio.

Women and their husbands...

Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up. "It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."

"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next h...

Why does Jesus go to the salon?

To get his nails done.

What happens when a crematory and a tanning salon share a building?

A fifth degree burn

Blonde goes to the salon.

A blonde walked into a salon wearing huge headphones. When it was her turn to get her haircut, the hairdresser requested for her to remove her headphones. The blonde said it was very important for her to keep them on. The hairdresser complied and started cutting her hair. After a while she was havin...

A blonde walks into a hair salon.

A blonde woman walks into a hair salon wearing a big pair of headphones. She sits down and the stylist asks her if she would take the headphones off so he can cut her hair. The blonde says "no, sorry, the headphones have to stay".

He replies "Are you sure? I can't really give you a good hair...

- Where are you coming from?

- A beauty salon.
- Was it closed?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

In the end, I decided not to visit that new Police Hair & Nail Salon.

You hear all kinds of bad things about Police Beautality.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm planning on opening a combined cocktail bar and waxing salon.

I'm going to call it "Gin and Bare It".

A dumb blonde wearing headphones walks into a hair salon...

She sits down in the waiting area and eventually falls asleep. The stylist takes off the blondes headphones so she will hear when her name is called. When her name is called, the blonde doesn't respond, so the stylist shakes her to wake her up, and the blonde is stone cold dead. When the paramedic a...

If the Mexicans are taking all of the jobs, then why do Koreans still rule the nail salons?

Because Tu is better than Juan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a beauty salon and asks the beautician, can you make me look like Kim Kardashian?

Beautician says: you want me to put a black cock in your mouth?

Three southern woman sitting in the hair salon talking about the pet names for their men.

First woman says "I call my man Southern Comfort, cos he's a big man and he keeps me warm all night in bed"

Second woman's says "I call my man Budweiser cos his name is Buddy and he's the wisest man I ever met"

Third women says "I call my man Drambuie, cos he is one hell of a fancy lic...

A blonde entered a technology and appliance store to purchase a new TV.

When she found one she liked, she brought it to the cashier, saying “I would like to buy this TV, please.”

The cashier replied, “sorry, but I don’t sell to blondes.”

Discouraged and still determined to buy the TV, she went to the salon, dyed her hair brown, and returned to the same sto...

In the news...

There was a robbery at a local hair salon. The police are combing the area.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar smiling.

He looks way too happy. He buys everyone a drink. The bar tender notices all this and asks, "hey man whats got you in such a good mood?" the guy says, "Well I was at work, and I did this girl's hair and makeup, and one thing led to another, and we ended up fucking!" The bar tender is like "oh cool! ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My father taught me to be reserved and respectful, he said “Son, no one likes a cocky asshole”

“Well, except for uncle Brian and the guy from the hair salon”

A woman was walking down the street

when she was accosted by a homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homele...

[LONG] A man is trying to land his dream job of being a barber...

For months he’s been studying proper haircutting technique. He has painstakingly flipped through each page of the most rigorous hair textbooks, watched video tutorials from the best salons, and read countless articles about current hairstyles.

Finally, it was the day of his job interview. He ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a cowboy had a party to go to

Upon finishing his work on friday, he goes back to his house and tells his kid:

"get a horse ready, Im in a hurry"

"which one dad?"

"don't care, first one you see"

He takes a shower and rushes out to mount the horse for the trek, since he figures he's running late, he tak...

Do you know why ghosts always have long hair?

Because all the hair salons are closed at night.

Blonde car

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 200,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That ...

What happened?

A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, “What happened?”

The man rubbed the back of his head and said, “I don’t know! Last thing I remember, my wife was comin...

Who has better friends?

A husband and wife are having a friendly debate one night, centered on the topic of who has better friends. They each offer a wide variety of anecdotes and stories, but in the end, they decide to put it to the test.

"Here's what we'll do," the wife suggests. "I'll call your friends, and you c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl tells her parents she's pregnant

A girl tells her parents she's pregnant. The Mom goes ape shit and says "you call that bastard over here right now!".

Later that evening a distinguished gentleman in his 40's arrives in a Lamborghini. He gets out of the car and approaches the girl's parents who are understandably furious....

Easter Joke

Do you think Jesus hates nail salons?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman goes appliance shopping...

... and upon arrival at the department store, she decides to take advantage of a sale that she sees. She calls over an employee and points to the marked-down price.

"I'd like to buy this television," she says, batting her eyelashes.

"I'm truly very sorry, miss," the employee tells her,...

A beautiful girl...

...was giving a pedicure to a man who was at the same time also getting a shave at a salon. The man says”

"What about a date later?"

"Am married", she replied.

The man said:

"So?, call your husband and tell him you are going to visit a girlfriend"

She said:
"You...

A blonde and a shepherd.

A blonde, tired of people assuming she's stupid, goes to a salon and has her hair dyed brown. On her way home she sees a shepherd and his flock of sheep. She stops and asks, "if I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd agrees and the blonde guesses, "237." He does some quick fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had 3 girlfriends and couldn't decide which of them to marry.

He resolved to test each one to see which would make a better wife.
He withdrew $15,000 from his bank and gave each $5,000 and told them to spend it how they like.

The first one went shopping for clothes, jewelry, the salon, etc. She returned and told the man, "I spent all of your money ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy went to the hairdressers...

and sat down in the chair.

The hairdresser, a very attractive woman, places the cloak over him and gets to work. After a few minutes she notices that the cloak is moving up and down around the area of his crotch. Disgusted she whips the cloak off him

"How dare you do that in my salon!"...

A blonde walks into an electronics store...

and asks the manager, "How much is this TV?"

The manager says to her, "We don't sell to blondes". Furious, the blonde storms back to her home, where she threw on a black wig. She then goes back to the same store and asks the same manager, "How much is this TV?"

Once again, the manager ...

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day.

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.

She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut....

If I were black...

I'd stand in front of a tanning salon and laugh at all the customers.


Source: Neal Brennan

Two Business owners are talking to each other

The first business man is about to retire and he says to the second one,

Man 1: "I can't believe that my son is the only one that can take over the business."
Man 2: "What do you mean?"
Man 1: "My son is an idiot. Watch this."

He calls his son into the room

Man 1: "Son, h...

Tanning Blondes

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks
Are you two sisters?
They laughed and replied, No we're not even Catholic.

Tell Her Yourself

A lady went to a salon to dress her hair. While dressing her hair, she noticed a handsome man sitting quietly in the shop. Suddenly the lady turned to the man and said Mr., you are so handsome can we meet later today?
The man replied 'I'm married'. The woman continued; "and so? You can just tell...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Angry Notes" Courtesy of Saurabh on Fropki.com

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get it up. Enjoy dreaming about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

D...

3 legged Dog

A 3 legged dog walks into an old western salon, looks around, and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

The best blond joke I know.

This blond woman was tired of all these "stupid blond jokes." So she decided to do something about it. She went to a salon and dyed her hair black. On the drive home, feeling very pleased about not being blond anymore, she spots this stupid blond on her front yard rowing a boat and not going anywher...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man and the hare

A man is driving in his car down a long road, by a field. Suddenly, a hare jumps out, and without being able to swerve that quickly, he un-avoidably runs over the innocent creature. He immediately pulls over to see the done damage. So distressed that he has killed the hare, he begins to cry...
B...

Reading Too Far Into It

A woman decides to surprise her blind boyfriend on his birthday by having herself vajazzled in Braille.

She goes to her salon and gets a full wax, the salon girl glues the sequins around her crotch according to her careful instructions, and she rushes home and hops into bed. She calls her bo...

dumb blonde

A blond walk into a hair salon with headphones on and sits down in a chair. The blonde asks the woman working there for a haircut. The woman takes of the headphones and cuts the blondes hair. After she is finished she looks down and to her surprise finds the blonde dead. The woman puts on the headph...

I heard this one from a friend...

A blonde enters a parallel universe where the Aryan's are considered a minority. She walks into an appliance store, approaches the man behind the counter, and says "I'd like that TV please." The cashier replies "Sorry, we don't serve blondes."

The next day, she woke up, filled her hair with c...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.