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Why did the man with bipolar go to the nail salon?

Because they offer manic cures

Nail salons closed, hair salons closed...

It's about to get ugly out there.

Mr. T just opens his own beauty salon.

I Pretty The Fool.

"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..."

"He took a long look at me and gave me $300"

A Newcastle girl goes into a hair salon

The stylist says "Why aye lass, what do yee want?"

"Can I have a perm please?" says the customer. The stylist responds:

*Ah wandered lernley as a cloud that flerts on high oer vales an' hills...*

Why did the beauty salon overcharge jesus?

Because he has extra nails

I did some reading at the hair salon while I got my perm.

I was curled up with a good book.

What is the worst name for a hair salon?

Cut and dye

Wife came home from a beauty salon

Husband: "Well, at least you tried."

What is every nail salon hiding in their back office?

A bunch of pedi files.

Two blonds walk into a tanning salon…

The receptionist asks, “Are you two sisters?” One replies, “No silly, we’re not even Catholic”.

There was a sale on hair color at the salon.

Three people dyed.

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The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.

To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with bed...

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

Hair Salons, Tanning Salons, Gyms, Spas, The Clinique Counter...

All closed.

It's getting ugly out there.

Went to the Salon at 5PM and asked for the Snyder Cut

Four hours later, it was Dark everywhere...

All shops including beauty salons have been shut down!

....those that roams the streets now look even more deadlier than corona!

People always ask why my trips to the salon are so quick.

I take the shortcut.

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Salon and Fast food

The hair salon near where I live, has a special offer where you get free McDonalds whilst you wait for your color to set. . .

It's called "Eat crap & dye".

Hear the one about the girl who went to the hair salon?

It was the highlight of her day!

$50k in hair extentions was stolen from a downtown hair salon,

Police are still combing the area for clues.

A guy walks into a salon for a shave.

The barber hands him a rubber ball to hold between his jaws while he smoothly shaves around his jawline.
Guy: thats a neat idea! but what if I accidentally swallow this ball?


Barber without raising an eyebrow: "Just bring it back tomorrow."

Blonde goes to the salon.

A blonde walked into a salon wearing huge headphones. When it was her turn to get her haircut, the hairdresser requested for her to remove her headphones. The blonde said it was very important for her to keep them on. The hairdresser complied and started cutting her hair. After a while she was havin...

What do you call a nail salon in a gentrified area?

White Claw.

I hate the product hair salons use for perms...

The smell makes my hair curl.

My local tanning salon is offering an Easter special

You know, in case you've been in a cave for the last few days.

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A little girl walks into a hair salon eating a twinkie

The stylist thinks nothing of it and begins to cut her hair. The cut hair falls and lands on her twinkie, so the stylist says "hey, your getting hair on your twinkie." The little girl smiles and jumps up and says "Yea, and im getting tits too!"

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

I’m opening a new tanning salon in Africa.

Im going to call it Tanzania. (Tans in ‘ere)

TIL Tom Petty had a brother that owned his own nail salon

Manny Petty

News: A car crashed into a hair salon yesterday afternoon.

Still waiting for the highlights!

When they didn't accept my discount, I gave my local tanning salon a low rating...

It seemed a little shady to me.

A blonde walks into a hair salon.

A blonde woman walks into a hair salon wearing a big pair of headphones. She sits down and the stylist asks her if she would take the headphones off so he can cut her hair. The blonde says "no, sorry, the headphones have to stay".

He replies "Are you sure? I can't really give you a good hair...

What's worse than being a tanning salon owner in Africa?

Being a Somali Uber driver in Columbus, Ohio.

What does a woman with a missing finger get at the nail salon?

10% off.

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A blonde wearing large headphones walks into a hair salon

and sits down in the barber's chair. She asks for a quick trim, and the barber gets to work.

After a minute or two, the barber needs to remove the headphones to continue, and tries asking the woman to take them off. She cannot hear him, so he gives up and takes them off without permission - n...

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A man's choice

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys severa...

A woman was walking down the street

when she was accosted by a homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homele...

How do you call an area populated by run-down Italian beauty salons?

A spa-ghetto


... I am so ashamed of myself...

What happened?

A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, “What happened?”

The man rubbed the back of his head and said, “I don’t know! Last thing I remember, my wife was comin...

What happens when a crematory and a tanning salon share a building?

A fifth degree burn

If the Mexicans are taking all of the jobs, then why do Koreans still rule the nail salons?

Because Tu is better than Juan.

MEANWHILE, an elderly couple.

WIFE: I’ve just come from the beauty salon.

HUSBAND: Were they closed?

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A guy walks into a bar smiling.

He looks way too happy. He buys everyone a drink. The bar tender notices all this and asks, "hey man whats got you in such a good mood?" the guy says, "Well I was at work, and I did this girl's hair and makeup, and one thing led to another, and we ended up fucking!" The bar tender is like "oh cool! ...

A blonde and a shepherd.

A blonde, tired of people assuming she's stupid, goes to a salon and has her hair dyed brown. On her way home she sees a shepherd and his flock of sheep. She stops and asks, "if I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd agrees and the blonde guesses, "237." He does some quick fi...

Blonde car

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 200,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That ...

Three Southern Ladies Are Chatting In A Hair Salon

First lady says "I call my man Sugar"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so sweet"

Second lady says "I call my man Tree"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so big and firm"

The third lady says "I call my man Courvoisier"

The others a ask "Courvois...

Three southern woman sitting in the hair salon talking about the pet names for their men.

First woman says "I call my man Southern Comfort, cos he's a big man and he keeps me warm all night in bed"

Second woman's says "I call my man Budweiser cos his name is Buddy and he's the wisest man I ever met"

Third women says "I call my man Drambuie, cos he is one hell of a fancy lic...

How did Will Smith find out Jada was cheating on him?

She kept telling him she was going to the hair salon

A blonde walks into an electronics store

She looks around and eventually calls a worker over and says “I’d like to buy this tv”

The worker tells her kindly, “I apologize miss, but store policy is that we don’t sell things to blondes”.

Very angry, she leaves and goes to a salon and dyes her hair black. Then she goes back the n...

Bought a new camera today…

and wanted to test it out. I was looking for a good subject and found a salon where a guy was cutting a woman’s hair. I went in and asked him if I could take some pictures. He said she wanted a rainbow look, and it would be great to get some before and after pics to capture the coloring process.
...

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My father taught me to be reserved and respectful, he said “Son, no one likes a cocky asshole”

“Well, except for uncle Brian and the guy from the hair salon”

Ugh... My hair has never been this long before, and all the salons are closed due to the pandemic. I wish I had emo hair...

...so it would cut itself.

Now that I am vaccinated I can joke about Covid

Here are a few.

———————

Day 251 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

———————

Nail salons, hair salons, waxing centres and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there!

———————

What’s the best way...

Who has better friends?

A husband and wife are having a friendly debate one night, centered on the topic of who has better friends. They each offer a wide variety of anecdotes and stories, but in the end, they decide to put it to the test.

"Here's what we'll do," the wife suggests. "I'll call your friends, and you c...

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day.

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.

She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut....

If I were black...

I'd stand in front of a tanning salon and laugh at all the customers.


Source: Neal Brennan

Two Business owners are talking to each other

The first business man is about to retire and he says to the second one,

Man 1: "I can't believe that my son is the only one that can take over the business."
Man 2: "What do you mean?"
Man 1: "My son is an idiot. Watch this."

He calls his son into the room

Man 1: "Son, h...

3 legged Dog

A 3 legged dog walks into an old western salon, looks around, and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

Reading Too Far Into It

A woman decides to surprise her blind boyfriend on his birthday by having herself vajazzled in Braille.

She goes to her salon and gets a full wax, the salon girl glues the sequins around her crotch according to her careful instructions, and she rushes home and hops into bed. She calls her bo...

dumb blonde

A blond walk into a hair salon with headphones on and sits down in a chair. The blonde asks the woman working there for a haircut. The woman takes of the headphones and cuts the blondes hair. After she is finished she looks down and to her surprise finds the blonde dead. The woman puts on the headph...

Women and their husbands...

Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up. "It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."

"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next h...

A beautiful girl...

...was giving a pedicure to a man who was at the same time also getting a shave at a salon. The man says”

"What about a date later?"

"Am married", she replied.

The man said:

"So?, call your husband and tell him you are going to visit a girlfriend"

She said:
"You...

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A guy went to the hairdressers...

and sat down in the chair.

The hairdresser, a very attractive woman, places the cloak over him and gets to work. After a few minutes she notices that the cloak is moving up and down around the area of his crotch. Disgusted she whips the cloak off him

"How dare you do that in my salon!"...

Tell Her Yourself

A lady went to a salon to dress her hair. While dressing her hair, she noticed a handsome man sitting quietly in the shop. Suddenly the lady turned to the man and said Mr., you are so handsome can we meet later today?
The man replied 'I'm married'. The woman continued; "and so? You can just tell...

A blonde walks into an electronics store...

and asks the manager, "How much is this TV?"

The manager says to her, "We don't sell to blondes". Furious, the blonde storms back to her home, where she threw on a black wig. She then goes back to the same store and asks the same manager, "How much is this TV?"

Once again, the manager ...

The best blond joke I know.

This blond woman was tired of all these "stupid blond jokes." So she decided to do something about it. She went to a salon and dyed her hair black. On the drive home, feeling very pleased about not being blond anymore, she spots this stupid blond on her front yard rowing a boat and not going anywher...

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A man had 3 girlfriends and couldn't decide which of them to marry.

He resolved to test each one to see which would make a better wife.
He withdrew $15,000 from his bank and gave each $5,000 and told them to spend it how they like.

The first one went shopping for clothes, jewelry, the salon, etc. She returned and told the man, "I spent all of your money ...

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A blonde woman goes appliance shopping...

... and upon arrival at the department store, she decides to take advantage of a sale that she sees. She calls over an employee and points to the marked-down price.

"I'd like to buy this television," she says, batting her eyelashes.

"I'm truly very sorry, miss," the employee tells her,...

Easter Joke

Do you think Jesus hates nail salons?

A woman's husband dies of cancer when she is only 40 years old.

She prays and prays and one night God comes to her and tells her since she is so kind-hearted he will answer any question she asks. She tells God she always wanted to know how long she would live, and God replies that she will live to be 90 years old.

The woman decides that since she has so ...

I heard this one from a friend...

A blonde enters a parallel universe where the Aryan's are considered a minority. She walks into an appliance store, approaches the man behind the counter, and says "I'd like that TV please." The cashier replies "Sorry, we don't serve blondes."

The next day, she woke up, filled her hair with c...

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"Angry Notes" Courtesy of Saurabh on Fropki.com

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get it up. Enjoy dreaming about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

D...

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So a cowboy had a party to go to

Upon finishing his work on friday, he goes back to his house and tells his kid:

"get a horse ready, Im in a hurry"

"which one dad?"

"don't care, first one you see"

He takes a shower and rushes out to mount the horse for the trek, since he figures he's running late, he tak...

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