I bought a bunch of antique spears online. But when I received them, they were all missing their spear heads.

I got shafted.

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My friend just told me, “Going to antique stores is gay.”

I said, “No. It makes you buy curios.”

Where do shellfish get rid of their antiques?

The prawn shop.

Every vacuum cleaner in existence is an antique.

Because all they do is collect dust.

My antique wife.

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

Antiques Store

A man walks in an antiques store.
He rings for service.
Two men face him. One of them says
“Can’t you see we’re busy in a high profile rug deal”

I recently inherited an antique set of loaded dice from my grandfather. They used to belong to Al Capone himself.

In other words, we've been spending most our lives living with a gangster's pair of dice.

Be careful, this ones an antique

A Soviet citizen has spent a few years saving up to buy a new car. Finally he gets his 10,000 rubles together and heads to the state office. He diligently fills out all the paperwork and hands it over the desk with the rubles. The official behind the desk looks it over for a minute, counts the money...

A bloke took a couple of stuffed Jack Russell terriers into an antique dealer for appraisal. "What would you expect them to fetch if they were in good condition?", the dealer asked him.

"I don't know... Sticks?"

Yesterday I ran into the guy who once sold me an antique globe.

It’s a small world.

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"The first time I had sex was on my antique coffee table."

"How old?"

"150 years, according to the seller."

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

The genie of the lamp

A hipster goes to an antique market where he spots a cool looking brass lamp. It's only $20, so he buys and takes it home.
He spots a black mark on the side so he gets out the brass polish and rubs it to remove the mark. There's a flash and this giant Middle Eastern dude appeares in his lounge. "...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

[Long]Husband takes wife to play golf.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy driv...

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A beautiful message

An antique quote says "Those who plant Tamarinds, shall not reap those Tamarinds" Thats because normally a Tamarind plant lasts 40-50 years to mature and be able to be reaped.

One time a child found an old man farmer planting a Tamarind tree and asked "Grandpa, Why are you planting a Tamarind...

A man is in Iraq and sees a fancy antique lamp for sale in shop.

The shop owner assured the man that if he rubbed the lamp a genie would appear and he would get 3 wishes.

The man spent many days planning for his three wishes and finally rubbed the lamp.

When the genie appeared the man exclaimed in wonder. It was true! "For my first wish....."
<...

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A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door...

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both ret...

I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

A man goes into an antique shop

He sees a very attractive cabinet on sale for $1500, and he asks the owner why it's so expensive, wondering if it was by a famous cabinetmaker. But the owner says, "No, it's a magic cabinet!"

"How do you mean?" says the customer.

"Well, watch this," says the owner. "How many grandc...

My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand

I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock

A man finds a genie lamp at an old antique store

He takes it home and is rubbing it when a genie comes out. The genie tells him that he is an older genie and because of this can only grant the man one wish. The man thinks for a while and tells the genie "well I really like traveling to Hawaii. I'd like a highway that goes all the way from Californ...

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Why was the antique dealer considered a prostitute?

She was selling one night stand

I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword is worth.

Instead of being all nosy about where all the blood came from.

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She’s gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I ...

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique wa...

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally...

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Entertainment night at the senior home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist!



Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.



"Yes, ea...

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

Antique shop owners in the middle east have one rule

Dubreak, Dubai.

Selling: Antique French Rifle

Never fired, only dropped once.

My brother-in-law, a retired farmer, collects antique tractors.

He has an entire barn full of them, absolutely amazing, not even any room to walk, and all in perfect working order. He confided in me the other day what his worst fear is. "A barn fire?" I asked. "No, not at all. I'm afraid that when I am gone, my wife will sell all my tractors for what I told her ...

You know you're old when you walk into a antique store

And they start bidding on you.

So I was shopping online for antique guns.....

and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.

What do you call a disney movie about antique cooking wares

pewter pan

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Antique shop

A blind man and his seeing-eye dog walk into antique shops.

Suddenly, the blind man grips tightly on the dog's leash and begins swinging him wildly over his head.

The shop owner yells out "What the fuck are you doing?!"

The blind man replies, "Just lookin' around".

I just bought an antique clock with missing hands.

I think it’s a timeless treasure.

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.I knew she was into so...

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I was recently at an antiques store.

I picked up a lamp and a genie popped out.

He said "I will grant you one wish, you can either have a long memory or a long penis"

I forget my response.

Rioters are breaking into antique music stores across the country

damn Luters.

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You guys hear about the antique shop owner who liked to have anonymous sex with menstruating women?

Nobody could tell which period his dick was from.

I heard it took at least two elephants to make the keys on my antique piano

I had no idea they were capable of such delicate work.

My mother doesn't say much, but she always looks on the bright side

They say "it's cold", she says "...or fresh"

They say "it's old" , she says "...or antique"

They say "it's over" , she says "...or beginning"

They say "your son is a bit weird" , she says "...or tissed"

whatever that means.

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

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The Twelve-Inch Pianist (A Classic)

A man walks into a bar, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny piano and a little man. He places them down on the counter in front of the bartender as the little man starts playing a slow, reverent, and deeply moving rendition of the DuckTales theme song. After he finishes his musical masterp...

What a horrible way to die

Two guys meet up in a bar.

The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb,...

The guy is carrying a keg of beer

It's Friday evening, great weather, long weekend ahead. Everything is just perfect.

Suddenly he sees some rusty antique lamp in a pile of garbage. Curious, he picks it up.
Surely enough genie appears.

- what's your wish?

- what, just one?

- yep, this is a used lamp, o...

A very rich, materialistic man is sitting and thinking.

He has many luxurious things - everything inside and out, huge mansion, massive watch collection, extensive antique display, and most importantly, a gallery of luxury cars.

He, in high spirits, decides to add to his car collection and buys a brand new Lamborghini Huracan. Then, he spends the ...

A man walks into an antique store

and starts looking around.
Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it." The man replies "I really don't care about ...

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A CEO gathers his staff..

10 Male employees are present in the convention room. The CEO clears his throat and starts the meeting: *"Good afternoon gentlemen. As you know, I am leaving for my business meeting tomorrow and will be absent for 10 days."*

The employees are all nodding in agreement.

The CEO pauses ...

The Golden Rat

One day a man walks into an antique shop and inquires about a small statue of a rat made of gold. The owner replies “Ah yes that item. The rat is fascinating but beware of the consequences, and you must know we have a no-returns policy.”

The man is fine with this and pays for the item and lea...

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He Has No Class

Donald Trump lands aboard Air Force One at Heathrow, and deplanes to a long red carpet. He walks to where Queen Elizabeth II is waiting to welcome him with much pomp and circumstance.

They are ushered into a new silver Rolls Royce, then chauffeured to Buckingham Palace.

After tea, ...

I bought the original ax that George Washington used to chop down the cherry tree.

The antique dealer told me that the handle had been replaced a couple times, and the blade was replaced once, but it's the real deal!

A man is walking along the beach when...

...he trips over an antique lamp. A genie pours out, ominous and towering. "Thank you, kind soul," the genie says, "I have been trapped in that lamp for so long. You're a gentleman and a scholar for freeing me."

"I'm no such thing," says the man, "I'm a simple man with simple needs."

"...

A guy walks into a diner with an ostrich.

The waitress comes up to take their order. The guy says, "I'll have the fried mozarella sticks, triple bacon cheeseburger, and extra fries with chili and cheese on them."

The waitress looks at the guy, stunned- he's in great shape, and she's amazed that he could eat like that and maintain his...

found while browsing Quora

Donald Trump, Theresa May, and Angela Merkel are walking outside after a particularly stressful diplomatic meeting.

As they walk in silence, one of them stumbles on a small rock - but when they investigate, they find it is not a rock at all, but an antique oil lamp.

“Maybe there's a ge...

Rick Astley's friends had come over to check out his new house...

...and while they were all walking around and gawking over things like his new million dollar chandelier, his antique coffee table, or his gigantic state of the art tv and sound system, Dave went into a side room and noticed that Rick had a very extensive Pixar collection.

Dave yelled, "Hey R...

I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book.

She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.

Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

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Zambian Roulette

As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite.

To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to...

A most interesting fellow

A man is walking down the street and runs into a rather strange looking fellow. He's wearing a dark hood obscuring much of his face, so he goes to investigate. He soon realizes that the hooded figure had no face at all.

"Excuse me, sir," the man asked the hooded figure, "do you mind taking o...

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A guy is cleaning out his deceased grandfather's attic...

He discovers an old oil painting and an old violin. He decides to take them to an antique dealer to have them evaluated.

The antique dealer studies them both carefully and says, "What you have here sir is a Stradivarius, and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately, Stradivarius wasn't a very good painte...

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.

Knowing his wIfe loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.

When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.

He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.

The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.

S...

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Sex Drive (Long)

A older man was walking through a antique store when he saw a lamp having a laugh to himself he picked it up and rubbed it. All of a sudden a genie burst out of it almost giving him a heart attack. The genie told the man since he freed him he was willing to give him a single wish. The man pondere...

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An Old Hillbilly Goes to Town

There's an old hillbilly that's lived nearly his entire life so far up in Ozarks away from most modern society.

One day he decides to go into town for a change of pace. He's driving his old pickup truck down a main street and spots an antique shop with some nice looking furniture and other t...

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What do you call a group of black people?

Antique farm equipment.

Your mama's so dumb ...

... she walked into the antique store and asked, "What's new?"

The moral of the story...

A rich, eccentric man wanted to invest his money, and keep it safe.

He decided to invest in antique furniture, but not just any furniture. He would buy the best and fanciest chairs that could be found only in the finest castles of the world.

He wanted to be sure his collection...

My 98 year old grandmother told us this one, in french

A man and his wife go into an antique store and start looking around. They walk by the shop owner's parrot who looks at the man and says, "Hey!" The man looked at the parrot and the parrot says to him, "YOU'RE WIFE IS SOOOO UGLY!"

Suddenly the shop owner storms over to the parrot and starts ...

What's an ants favourite collectible item

Antiques

Three women were shopping at the market place in a foreign country...

A ravishing brunette, a scientist redhead, and a famous Blonde. As they explore the area, they find a fancy antique store with various interesting items, but the most alluring was a big oval mirror with a golden exquisite frame.

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So they ask the owner about it, and he says "a...

The Big Orange Head Joke

A man walks into a bar. As he's ordering a beer, he happens to glance down towards the other end of the bar and see a man with a big orange head. As the bartender brings his beer, the man asks him, "What's with the guy with the big orange head?"

The bartender chuckles. "Yeah," he says, "That'...

A frog walks into a bank...

to get a loan. He waits in line and when the teller calls him he walks up to do his thing.


"Hi, I'm Patty Black, what can I do for you today?" she asks.


He replies, "I'm here to get a loan."


"Well what do you have for collateral?"


"All I have is this antiq...

The Genie

An old Jew, who owned an antique shop, was in the back room one day looking for pieces to put out front. As he worked, he picked up an old oil lamp, and began polishing it with his rag. As he worked, a giant Genie popped out and announced "You have released me from my prison! For this, I will gra...

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I asked a paraplegic how he lost his legs

He told me his wife brought a mirror home from the antique store and hung it from the closet door one day. She said "Honey, watch this. Mirror mirror on the door, grow my breasts two sizes more." Instantly her chest grows two sizes. He said "I couldn't help it, so I said 'mirror mirror on the door, ...

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Voodoo Dick [Gets a bit raunchy]

Once, a rich man had to go on a business trip for a long weekend, leaving his young, beautiful wife home alone. Fearing she would seek company with another man while he was away, he got her a magical gift from a near by antique shop.

"What is this?" the young beauty asked.

"This is th...

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