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Scoot Jokes

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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

What did Toad say when Toadette told him to scoot over in the twin size bed?

I don’t have Mushroom

The new suit

A man went to a tailor's shop to be fitted for a suit and a pair of shoes. The old tailor took all of the measurements and said to return in a week.

The man returned in a week and put on his new suit and new shoes.

As he stood in front of the mirror he complained that the left sleeve ...

A rancher hires a bull for his heifer

A rancher hires a bull for his heifer. When they’re both put in the corral to let nature take it’s course, the rancher’s son climbs up on the fence next to the bull owner’s daughter, who is hanging on the fence watching the action.

The boy scoots a little bit closer to the girl and whispers,...

Information

Is your mother home? the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said...

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A young boy sits on a curb. With a cat.

As he sits he pops a candy in his mouth grabs the cat and bites it. Then he scoots over. A young pastor walking be asked Timmy what in the world are you doing ? Looking at the Pastor he smiles and proudly says Im playing Truck Driver. The pastor confused said I don't understand . Timmy says I'm popp...

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Breaker, Breaker

There was once a family of three ,a Mom named Shirley, a Dad named Rick, and a little Boy named Spencer. They owned a cat named Sprinkles.

It was a usual Tuesday morning, Rick went to work and Shirley was home with Spencer and Sprinkles. Per usual Shirley started her cleaning regiment, an...

Another golf joke

A man and his wife are golfing. The wife hits a beautiful drive right down the center of the fairway. Trying to outdo his wife, the man overswings and slices the ball into the woods. As the man is about to safely punch his second shot out, his wife interjects,

"Now wait a minute! Ther...

A man was looking for a unique pet...

A man was looking for a unique pet so he stopped at a pet store off the beaten path in New York City. He went inside and asked the pet shop owner to show him something different.

"Well right over here we have a magic rat. I won't tell you what it does but trust me, it is unique."

His c...

The Old Coffin

A man was walking home one day after a long day of work. As he was walking, he came up on a old coffin laying on the side of the trail. He thought it was odd because it was a old pine box coffin and he had never seen one in person before. The man shrugged it off and kept walking.

The man kept...

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A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares.

As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a boy sitting on the stoop. "Is your mother home?", he asked.

"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him pass. The salesman rang the bell three times but got no response. He then knocked on the door loudly but got no answer. Exaspe...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are each locked away for a year in solitary confinement.

Before they are thrown in, they are each allowed to request a year's supply of whatever he wants to help them through the hard time.

The Scotsman asks for whisky, so he gets some and he's locked away.

The Irishman asks for a fix of Guinness, so several hundred bottles are thrown in. ...

An old couple is laying in bed when the old lady remembers that she needs some money for groceries...

She whispers into the old man's ear: "Can you lend me $100? ".
The man answers: "Sorry dear but I can't hear you. You know this ear of mine is deaf, try the other ear".
The old lady scoots and whispers into his other ear: "Can you lend me $200?".
The old man is astonished and replies: "C...

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Two older men where sitting at a bar.

Two older men where sitting at a bar when they over heard a few younger men talking.

One younger man said "you look exhausted"

The other man replied "I know all my girlfriend wants to do is have sex. Before breakfast, after breakfast, middle of the day, night, she even makes me up most...

[NSFW] A penguin goes to the car mechanic...

...to figure out why his truck keeps making such weird noises as he goes down the highway. When he arrived, the mechanic said that he'd take a look and it'd be about a half hour wait.

"Well that's okay," the penguin muttered to himself as he walked out of the shop, "I can find something to...

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I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

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Two boys, Nathaniel and Daniel, are captured by a madman. Daniel is sent into a room with a one way window that only Daniel could see through. On the other side, he saw his friend, Nate, with the madman...

Nate looked very frightened but if they've learned anything together during their years of friendship is that they'll always make it out of bad situations.

The madman finishes talking to Nate and walks out of the room, Nate adopting a relieved smile on his face.

Then, the madman walks...

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A lonely man adopts a new pet...

A lonely man feeling distant from his wife decides to follow the advice of a coworker and sets out to find a pet to keep himself company.

On the way home from work one day, the man stops by a pet shop. Inside he finds the usual fare, hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish, etc. As he looks around h...

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

Two priests die and go up to Heaven...

.. but when they get there they find there's a HUGE lineup at the Pearly Gates. Hours and hours go by and they are barely inching closer to their destination. Finally they see St. Peter lean over and stare down the line at someone behind them. He makes a "come here" gesture and this pretty blonde...

Mad-Dog’s Lady

A rough pack of tough bikers were out for a scoot in the hill country in central Texas. Pulling into Austin, they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off Pennybaker bridge. Mad-Dog, their leader, gave the hand signal to pull up. Mad-dog, a big burly man with skin like leather, a handle bar mustache,...

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A man, we'll call him Bob, walked into his doctor's office...

...and nervously approached the check-in desk.
"What brings you in today?" asked the receptionist.
Hesitantly, the man responded, "I have a green ring on my penis, and I don't know what it is."
"No problem," the woman replied. "Please have a seat, and we'll be with you shortly.
As B...

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