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Auctioneer Jokes

Our local auctioneer has passed away.

He was somewhere around 30? 35? 35? 40.

Bidding at a local auction.....

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two t...

Did you hear? An auctioneer died the other day at a tragically young age.

He was 35, 35, going on 40, 40, 45, 45, going on 50, 50, do I hear 55, do I hear 55? 50, 50, going once, going twice, 50...

My local auctioneer passed away due to excessive diarrhoea.

I think he was going once... going twice...gone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were a couple of strange items at the estate sale of a eccentric collector. One was a couple of Dolly Parton's used bras, the other King Edwards used Enema...

The appraiser was surprised that they sold at all, especially the used enema, as it still had fecal matter on it. What surprised him most is that the enema actually sold for more money than the bras. The auctioneer wasn't surprised at all because he plays poker and knows that a royal flush always ...

Who is an auctioneer's favorite rapper?

MC Hammer

What does one auctioneer say to the other at the end of the day?

"I bid you fair well"

The Auction

One day a man went to an auction.
While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the pa...

What do you have to know to be an auctioneer?

Lots

Seller: 500$ for this parrot

Guy: 500$ HERE.
Voice in background: 1000$ HE-RE.
Seller: 1000$ going 1st..
Guy: 1100$ HERE.
Voice in background: 5000$ HE-RE.
Seller: 5000$ going twice....
Guy: 5100$ HERE.
Voice in background: 25.000 HE-RE.
Guy: 25.100 HERE.
Seller: Sold!!
Guy: I sure hope this parrot...

A lady went to an auction...

And was smitten by a beautiful parrot for sale and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird! When the bird came up for sale, the auctioneer asked, "How much am I bid for this parrot?" and the lady bid with "Seven hundred dollars". "Eight hundred!" "Eighty hundred fifty!" "Nine hundred fifty!" g...

Why do auctioneers say "Going once... Going twice..."?

More-bid curiousity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

I'm a solid five...

But a liquid eight.
Auctioneers joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adam and eve have problems

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a
few nights, Eve became upset.

“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on Earth.” The quarrel
continued ...

On a hunch, I tried looking for the murderer at the corpse auction.

As soon as the auctioneer started it was a dead giveaway.

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