UPJOKE
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Did you hear? An auctioneer died the other day at a tragically young age.

He was 35, 35, going on 40, 40, 45, 45, going on 50, 50, do I hear 55, do I hear 55? 50, 50, going once, going twice, 50...

The bidding was proceeding furiously when the Head Auctioneer suddenly announced, “A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars.”

“If returned, he has agreed to pay a reward of two thousand dollars!”

There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a shout, “Two thousand five hundred!”

Our local auctioneer has passed away.

He was somewhere around 30? 35? 35? 40.

My local auctioneer passed away due to excessive diarrhoea.

I think he was going once... going twice...gone

What does one auctioneer say to the other at the end of the day?

"I bid you fair well"

One day, a man went to an auction.

While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more then he intended, he won the bid- the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the ...

What do you have to know to be an auctioneer?

Lots

Seller: 500$ for this parrot

Guy: 500$ HERE.
Voice in background: 1000$ HE-RE.
Seller: 1000$ going 1st..
Guy: 1100$ HERE.
Voice in background: 5000$ HE-RE.
Seller: 5000$ going twice....
Guy: 5100$ HERE.
Voice in background: 25.000 HE-RE.
Guy: 25.100 HERE.
Seller: Sold!!
Guy: I sure hope this parrot...

Why do auctioneers say "Going once... Going twice..."?

More-bid curiousity.

A lady went to an auction...

And was smitten by a beautiful parrot for sale and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird! When the bird came up for sale, the auctioneer asked, "How much am I bid for this parrot?" and the lady bid with "Seven hundred dollars". "Eight hundred!" "Eighty hundred fifty!" "Nine hundred fifty!" g...

On a hunch, I tried looking for the murderer at the corpse auction.

As soon as the auctioneer started it was a dead giveaway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

Sean Bean is walking down the street

Heard you guys like long OC.

 

Sean Bean is walking down the street, enjoying his Sunday night. Suddenly, a black paneled van pulls up next to him. Four massive dudes in ski masks wearing all black leap out and try to grab him. Sean remembers his GoT training and manages to ta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adam and eve have problems

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a
few nights, Eve became upset.

“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on Earth.” The quarrel
continued ...

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