UPJOKE
peddlehawkpitchmongersellslavsdenmarkaustraliadealtraderussiascandinaviafloggrapsaxons

Vending machines kill more people than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.

What does an air freshener vending machine, say on the screen when it's empty?

"Out of odor"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a vending machine and a buttcrack?

I’ve never put a quarter in a vending machine.

what did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarter back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vending Machines

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your roo...

Why did the Broncos get rid of their vending machine?

Because they finally got their quarterback.

An army general needs some change

An Army general is standing before a vending machine on base, finding himself short on cash for a cold drink. He sees a nearby soldier and asks him, "Do you have any spare change?" The soldier replies, "Sure thing, man, I got a couple of quarters," and digs into his pocket.

The general narrow...

I tried to buy something from a perfume vending machine, but it was broken.

It just had a sign on it that said "Out of Odor".

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.





The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence...

Vending machine

A guy from the past travel to the future and sees a vending machine. He's confused so he asks a person how does it work. The person says "You first put a coin, then you click here and there you go" a can of Cola falls and the person takes it. The guy from the past gets exited so he brings out all hi...

Someone misprogrammed the vending machine at work

It says "Ice Could" instead of "Ice Cold". My first thought was, "Should it, though?"

Went to get some ice cream from our local gelato vending machine and had to find it powered off since someone broke into it.

This is why we can't have ice things.

I own a series of vending macines

You know, in parks and stuff, you can get a coke, ginger ale, fanta, etc.

Business was going really well, so well I had to hire a guy to help. Right after I hired him though, sales plummeted.

Trying to figure out why, I went to a few of my macines. The snacks were fine, but the drin...

I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines

So they would accept change

I wanted to buy a drink from a vending machine, but there was a guy in front of me.

I tried to wait my turn patiently, but he just kept buying soda. I stood there for a while just watching him put in some money and take his drink, over and over until he had a whole bag of soda cans. He showed no signs of stopping, so I asked him, "Why do you keep doing that? Are you ever going to g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A club I was at had a vending machine that dispensed packets of cologne. I put a quarter in it, turned the knob, and nothing came out.

I guess the machine was out of odor.

A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine

He was soda pressed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vending machines are like arseholes

I got my arm stuck in one once.

Girl, did you fall from a vending machine?

Cause you look like you accept quarters

What do vending machines, explosives and a cross-eyed seeing two people have in common?

C4, and there's a chance someone might get hurt.

What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?

Both say Please insert Bill.

With $1 you can buy one candy bar from a vending machine...

But bricks are free if you look hard enough and you can get everything, from every vending machine!

Edit 1: price

Edit 2: price again

I found a tumor in the vending machine.

Don't worry though, it was B9.

A latino goes to a vending machine

He gets a soda for 75c. He puts in 65c. The machine says "dime", so he whispers quiero una pepsi porfavor

After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself...

"I have what it takes."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hotel Vending Machine

One time I was in a hotel and I was trying to get something out of one of those vending machines where you pull the rod corresponding to your selection. It was stuck so I was pulling and pulling and pulling when my hand slipped off the knob. A very buxom young lady was walking past and my elbow acci...

(My first dad joke) Pregnant lady's food stuck in vending machine

Her (to staff): My food is stuck in the vending machine, can you help? I'm pregnant and I need to eat!


Me (not thinking): You sure do!


Also me (realizing that it sounded like I called her fat and hurriedly searching for a baby-related comment): This is about survival of the *fe...

Why do tennis players love vending machines?

Because they don't have to wait to for their food to be served.

Did you hear about the guy that the vending machine fell onto?

Hes sodapressed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

[Pick Up-Line] Did it hurt when you fell from a vending machine?

Cus you a snack

U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices.

Machines’ reflective glass surface not doing the trick.

What's the difference between an old vending machine and congress?

One accepts change but not dollars, the other accepts dollars but not change

My Kit-Kat bar got stuck in the vending machine at work...

...gimme a break...

A guy walks up to a musician...

"You ok?" He asks?
"Yeah." The musician responds, "Just thirsty."
"There's a vending machine with some water over there if you need it."
"Yeah I tried it... It only accepts ones."
The musician opens a suitcase next to him, revealing a saxophone.

"I only got a tenor on me."

We had an annoying kid named V in our school

Then we got a Vending machine.

A man is rocming a vending machine trying to get a soda for free

Eventually the machines tips and falls on top if the man, cracking 6 of his ribs. Fortunately for the man, there were about 25 Dr.'s were already on the scene.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor breaking the news

A patient is at the doctors office, it is the end of his appointment and he is discussing the results with his doctor. The doctor says: “Why don’t you go downstairs to the vending machine and buy yourself a drink on me, this next bit of news might be tough to hear.” The doctor rummages around his po...

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

A blind man walks into a bar

...And then a table, a couple of chairs, and a cigarette vending machine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vendin...

A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody

The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side firs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The New New Math....

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tel...

A French joke

Q: Comment s'appelle un chien qui vend des médicaments?

A: Un pharmachien

A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my womb for 9 months, so he is mine"

The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"

During a custody battle...

A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle

Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.

Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?

Father: When you put money into a vendi...

Personal Trainer: So what's your favourite machine to use at the gym?

**Me:** The vending machine

In court, a woman asks for custody of her daughter.

Woman claims that she gone through pain by giving birth to her daughter to bring her to this world therefore she should obtain the custody.

Then the judge asks the man for an argument why he should obtain the custody of his daughter.

The man said: "Judge, if you insert a coin into a ve...

At the gym

ME: Hey, can you spot me?

GUY: Sure, which machine?

ME: * gestures to vending machine *

Right over there.

The Cheerio Joke

Oh boy do I have a joke for you...
Its called the cheerio joke.

\-------------------------------------

So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes hom...

ITT: Jokes that would have killed at a party in 1998.

I'll start us off:

What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?
They both have a slot that says "insert bill here."

Just some funny one-liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to ...

Coma victim...

A man wakes up after being in a coma for 20 years. Immediately he calls his bank to see how his savings have grown with interest over the last two decades and is told he has $144,833,411, 19 in his account.

“Whooo- Hoo! I’m a multi-millionaire!”

He hobbles down the hallway giggling t...

Three tough biker dudes...

...walk into a bar. They notice a skinny, bespectacled little guy sitting in the corner by himself, and decide to have some fun.

They order three beers, and one of the bikers says, "Charge these to that little runt over there in the corner." Then he calls over to the little guy, "Hey, Poind...

I was at the swimming centre with my son. I said, "Use your legs, come on. Keep kicking. Your arms are doing all the work."

His chocolate bar got stuck in the vending machine.

Mr. Holmes gets into a car accident...

He arrives at the emergency room but there's a fair wait. So he get's some tea from the vending machine and it's quite good. Once his time comes he's brought in and admitted to a room. He's then brought a meal from the kitchen and soon calls in the nurse.

"Nurse, I can't drink this horrid te...

a couple is going through a divorce

The mom makes a big fuss, saying she absolutely HAS to keep the son. The dad asks "Why?"

"Because I gave birth to him!"

The man thinks for a while and finally says "If I put money into a soda vending machine, is the soda mine or the machine's?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nuns see a naked man statue in the park!

So the man is about to have sex with his lady, he's naked and ready to go, when his lady says she has to have bubblegum. So he runs out butt-naked thru the park at night to the store, buys the gum, and is headed back thru the park when he sees three nuns coming. So he just stands on the side of the ...

He raised a pretty good question, actually.

A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"

The custody battle

A Man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get
custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said: "Your Honour!I carried the child for
nine months and brought the child into the world with pain and labour.She should be in my
custody". The judge turns to...

Custody Battle

Husband and wife are fighting in divorce court for the custody of their child.

The judge asked the mother to make her case as to why she deserves to have custody.
The mother puts on a passionate plea and shocks everyone in the court room. When she is done the judge turns to the father...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A marine is on his way home

A marine is on his way home from a tour of duty and finds himself seated next to two Arabs in the airport. He has a little time till his next flight, so he takes off his boots and sets them down next to him. He looks over to the two Arabs and, thinking it'd be taken as a gesture of goodwill, says, "...

So a priest walks by a bunch of children standing around a dog.

> Alright, I can't claim this joke. I took it from the chaplain of the New Orleans Saints doing a workshop. Check out his [talk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIG72_LO7wc), he's pretty cool. www.fathertony.com

There were a couple of kids that were laughing and standing around a dog that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/21)

Here we are, once again. It's time for some laugh-words.

First up, we've got some big movie news. "Transformers 4" is now updating its cast. To appeal more to the US box office, the evil Decepticons will be played by menacing vending machines that won't let go of your Doritos.

More mov...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.