People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.

But it’s not like I can sugarcoat it.

My grandma got her foot amputated because of diabetes. Seeing her like this reminds me that no one can escape old age.

especially if you have one leg.

Diabetes isn't fatal, said my doctor

"That's funny", I thought. They don't call it Liveabetes.

Just been on a diabetes awareness website....

It asked me if i accept cookies.




Is that a trick question?

My uncle has diabetes and alzheimers

I asked him where his feet were and he was stumped.

I don’t know why people say that diabetes is hard to beat

I’ve already made it past stage 4

My doctor told me that I may die due to diabetes

At least that's a sweet way to go.

Killed a guy with diabetes

It was a piece of cake.

My girlfriend has been having a really hard time with her hay fever and diabetes, so I thought I’d get her something nice.

Nothing fancy, just some flowers and chocolates.

Diabetes runs in my family...

Because no one else does.

A guy gets diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is feeling down, his doctor tells him that type 2 is less serious than type 1 and that he should stay optimistic, the patient replies "doctor, please don't sugar-coat it for me"...

Doctor says: "sir, I'm being candyd"

Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects.

I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.

Why did the PR guy develop a Type II diabetes?

Because he always sugarcoats everything he says and always eats his words.

A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes.

Once he arrives, a nurse asks him for a urine sample. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. You're diabetic." She says.

Disappointed, the man manages to reply, "Well, I...

Why is there no cure for diabetes?

Because they can't have a spoonful of sugar to make the medicine go down.

What's the most insensitive nickname you can give a person with diabetes?

Sweet Pee

My uncle told me to cut down on sugar, or I'd get diabetes and they'd cut my foot off.

Told 'em I wouldn't stand for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy and a girl are sitting next to each other

Boy: If you let me kiss you, I'll give you a piece of chocolate.

Girl: Okay.

Boy: If you let me touch your boobs, you'll get another piece of chocolate.

Girl: Okay!

Boy: If you let me touch your pussy, you'll get another one.

Girl: You know what? At this rate, I'll...

A Spanish Joke - Translated

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over.

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a Breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then yo...

My girlfriend has hayfever and diabetes

I try to cheer her up with flowers and chocolate, but she doesn't appreciate it.

My doctor told me quite harshly that I have to quit eating sweets if I want to avoid diabetes

He didn't sugarcoat it.

My sister's got hay fever, and now she has diabetes.

I tried to cheer her up. You know, the usual. Flowers, chocolates

What's the worst part about going to the doctor's and finding out you have diabetes?

You don't get a lollipop afterwards :/

How did the doctor tell his patient he has diabetes?

He didn't sugar coat it

I've stopped dating this girl I met at the Diabetes Camp.

Turns out she isn't really my type.

Life is like a box of chocolates

It sucks if you have diabetes.

Your Momma so fat.......

Her flesh eating disease got diabetes.

If I have 30 pieces of chocolate cake for my cake day, and eat 25 of them, what do I have?

Diabetes......I got diabetes.

A man sits in the doctor’s office waiting for the results of his test.

The the doctor returns and says, “I’m sorry sir, but it looks like you have diabetes.”
The man responds, “Well, I want a second opinion.”
“Okay... you’re ugly, too.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paula Deen is set to release memoirs about life with Type 2 diabetes

It will be titled "Paula Deen - For Butter or Worse"

Patient: Doctor, tell me, what's wrong with me?

Doctor: I'm not going to sugar-coat it, you have diabetes.

What was the name of the Greek hero that was punished by the gods for gluttony?

Diabetes.

Yo Mama's so fat...

She's got type *three* diabetes.

Anyone have contact info for a girl named Celine?

Doctor said I have to shoot inceline three times a week to control my diabetes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Holocaust Jokes Collection

Why did Hitler kill himself?

\- He got the gas bill

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Where was the highest concentration of Jews after world war 2?

\- The atmosphere

\--------------------------------------------------------------
<...

Ben has 911 candies. He eats 420. What does he have now?

Diabetes.
Ben has diabetes.

Jim has 125 candy bars. He eats 76 of them. What does he have now?

Diabetes. Jim has diabetes

If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have?

Type 2 diabetes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man did a urine test

The test came back and the doctor said that he had diabetes. The man couldn't believe it and he gave another urine samples and redid the testing five times, but the result was still the same in everyone of them.
The man was so mad that he wanted to fuck with the doctor. He took a urine sample fr...

An angel walks into a bar

He walks up to a blind patron and heals him. The formerly blind man stands up shouting "I can see! It's a miracle!"

The angel smiles and walks up to a crippled man and restores his legs. The man does a dance of joy and hugs the angel, who tells him to go in peace.

The angel then walks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little kid was on a park bench eating a 1 quart container of ice cream...

It had fudge, caramel syrup, sprinkles, and just about everything you could think of.

A man walks up to him and said, "That is so unhealthy! You'll become overweight, possibly get diabetes and so many more bad things."

The kid said, "My grandfather lived to be 102!"

The man rep...

True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.

Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.

Kids living outside of the US won't get this.

Type 2 diabetes.

I use to call my wife "my sweet"

She developed diabetes.. So now I call her "my sweetener"

On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?...

Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes

A pedophile spots two 12 year old girls walking in the forest

He approaches them and says:

'I'll give you a lollipop each if you let me pet your hair!'

The two girls glance at each other, shrug, then nod. They get the sweets, and the pedophile gently strokes their hair.

'I'll give you two more lollipops if you let me carress your shoulders...

Craft Beer

About six months ago, I joined the craft beer craze by setting up a back porch brewery, mixing my own corn mash and hops and water. It took me a few batches, by trial and error, but I finally got a good balance of bitterness, color, carbonation and “buzz.”

The stuff tasted pretty good, so I s...

What did Santa get the day after Christmas?

Diabetes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, a German, a Russian, and a Jew walk into a bar.

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have a glass of wine?"

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have a pint of beer?"

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have a shot of vodka?"

The Jew wonders, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have diabet...

Little Johnny stole the cookies from the cookie jar....

Upon catching Johnny red handed, as in the fact that there were cookie crumbs on his hands, Johnnie's dad, a doctor, got angry and said, "*You're in trouble* young man!"

Sulking, Little Johnny wallowed in his corner of shame. Before long, he was diagnosed with diabetes and dies due to OD-ing ...

Toughest time of my Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertr...

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have

Type II Diabetes

A guy gets pulled over for drunk driving.

When the cop walks up he asks,

"Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?"

Guy states, "well no I'm just on my way home, why'd you pull me over?"

Cop states, "you have been swerving so I'm going to have to take a breathalyzer"

Guy informs cop by saying, "ha well I can't do ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is swerving all over the road gets pulled over by the cops...

The officer asks the man to do a breathalyzer test to which the man replies "Oh, officer I can't I have extreme asthma and I could go into a fit if I try to." The officer then asks him to come back to the station to do a piss test. The man then says, "I can't do that either, I have a severe test o...

An Englishman, a German, a Frenchman, and a Jewish guy are lost in the desert.

The Englishman says "I'm so thirsty, I must have some tea!"
The German says "I'm so thirsty, I must have ze beer!"
The Frenchman says "I'm so thirsty, I must 'ave some wine!"
The Jewish guy says "I'm so thirsty, I must have diabetes!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bum and his amazing taste buds

So this drunk bum walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender tells him "get out of here you don't have any money and you stink". "come on say's the bum, just one and I will leave I swear". The bartender thinks about it and thinks well one won't hurt if it will get him out of here. He then g...

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