UPJOKE
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People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.

But it’s not like I can sugarcoat it.

The problem isn’t that diabetes runs in the family.

The problem is no one runs in the family

I was just on a diabetes information website...

It asked if I would accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

I’m sorry ma’am your husband has diabetes

And if he doesn’t change he’s diet soon, he’s at risk for a heart attack or a possible stroke.

Lady: “We’d like to get a second opinion”

Doctor: “Okay. He’s ugly, too.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor diagnoses someone with diabetes

Doc: Your diagnosis is type 2 diabetes.

Patient: It runs in my family.

Doc: Nothing runs in your family, you fat cunt

My mother in law suffers from acute diabetes and hay fever....

I always try to cheer her up with chocolate and flowers.

Friend : I have got Diabetes type 1

Me : 1

He blocked me, no idea what wrong I did.

What do you call a Scottish man who lost a foot to diabetes?

NATO

A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes.

Once he arrives, a nurse asks him for a urine sample. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. You're diabetic." She says.

Disappointed, the man manages to reply, "Well, I...

What do you call it when someone rebels against their diabetes treatment?

Insulince.

My doctor told me that I may die due to diabetes

At least that's a sweet way to go.

Group Therapy

A mental health specialist had a group meeting with housewives who wanted to learn about themselves.

They were sitting in a circle and the specialist said, “ Let’s talk about your latent desires. I will start with Martha. Martha, you brought your child with you. What is her name?” ...

Why did the PR guy develop a Type II diabetes?

Because he always sugarcoats everything he says and always eats his words.

My uncle has diabetes and alzheimers

I asked him where his feet were and he was stumped.

my grandad was such a sweet person on the inside

it's a shame we didnt notice before the diabetes killed him

Health care is too expensive, I went to the hospital for complications from my diabetes

And It cost me an arm and a leg.

What's the worst part about going to the doctor's and finding out you have diabetes?

You don't get a lollipop afterwards :/

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The results of a 3-year trial for a drug that prevents diabetes are in.

A scientist walks into his boss's office to brief him on the results.

"How did you conduct this study?" asked the boss,

"We gave a group of 300 participants our drug, at 3 doses a day, and another 300 a placebo. We then found the number of people in each group who had diabetes." replie...

I just thought of this now and I don’t have time to fix it into a proper joke but... What’s the easiest way for a person with type 1 diabetes to lose it?

Eat enough to get type 2

Diabetes isn't fatal, said my doctor

"That's funny", I thought. They don't call it Liveabetes.

How easy is it to kill someone with diabetes?

It’s a piece of cake!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Russian says "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The Scot says says "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."

The Mexican says "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The German says "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Italian says "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Greek says "I'm tired ...

What's the most insensitive nickname you can give a person with diabetes?

Sweet Pee

A guy gets diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is feeling down, his doctor tells him that type 2 is less serious than type 1 and that he should stay optimistic, the patient replies "doctor, please don't sugar-coat it for me"...

Doctor says: "sir, I'm being candyd"

Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects.

I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.

Why is there no cure for diabetes?

Because they can't have a spoonful of sugar to make the medicine go down.

My sister's got hay fever, and now she has diabetes.

I tried to cheer her up. You know, the usual. Flowers, chocolates

I've stopped dating this girl I met at the Diabetes Camp.

Turns out she isn't really my type.

My father was a real sweetheart

He died from diabetes

My doctor told me quite harshly that I have to quit eating sweets if I want to avoid diabetes

He didn't sugarcoat it.

How did the doctor tell his patient he has diabetes?

He didn't sugar coat it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paula Deen is set to release memoirs about life with Type 2 diabetes

It will be titled "Paula Deen - For Butter or Worse"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black people are way more susceptible to diabetes. That's not racist, it's a medical fact.

Now if I said "hide your wallets, there's diabetes patients around here," that would be racist.

I told my son to have sweat dreams, but he started crying

He has diabetes

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy is sitting on a park bench,

Eating 5 pounds of chocolate. He's eating, eating, eating, really having the time of his life. As he finishes the bag, an old man walks up to him and says "Son, you know it's really not good to eat so much chocolate! You'll get diabetes, high cholesterol, it can really cause serious medical issues."...

Free Organic Pathologist Test

Go up to a tree and take a leak:

* If pee attracts ants, you've got diabetes.
* If it dries fast, your sodium is high.
* If it smells like meat, your cholesterol is high.
* If you forgot to unzip, it's Alzheimer's.
* If you missed the tree, Parkinson's.
* If you peed on your s...

Toughest time of my Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic ci...

I once had a sugar daddy

It was nothing wierd. My father had type II diabetes.

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