I accidentally swallowed some poison last night, and I had the strangest hallucination.

I was looking out of my window, and a group of former athletes walked by. Baseball players Don Mattingly, Pete Rose, and Ray Knight we’re talking with Konrad Dorn, an Austrian hockey player. Football superstars Troy Aikman and Emmett Smith were carrying guitars.

Next, a group of men from the ...

A patient walks into an optometrist's office.

The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.

"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing look...

Relationship or hallucination...

Either way, I'm seeing someone

A man is wandering the dessert, having lost his way, when he comes across a friendly looking salesman with a suitcase.

'Good day to you, good sir', the salesman greets him.
'Water, please!' is all the man manages to say through his sore throat.

'Oh, I'm afraid I don't have any water on me. But I can offer you one of these stylish ties.' With that he opens his suitcase and presents a collection of colored t...

Hallucination

An optical delusion.

I hate when you open up to someone and they leave.

I was explaining to my psychiatrist that I am having visual and auditory hallucinations, and then he just vanished.

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A man and a wife are in a hotel room on the 3rd, rekindling their love for each other...

It quickly turns into teenage, window fogging, grope fest and they start to fuck like bunnies. After they finish the first round, they notice the room's a little different. The man steps outside and checks around and notices the room across him is 415. "Weird", said the man to himself. "I thought th...

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I keep having hallucinations of pickles.

My therapist says I'm dillusional.

My mother has schizophrenic episodes

She lives in a nice house next to the San Francisco Bay, on a small melon farm (her choice...). She's an excellent farmer, even in her old age. And honestly she's a wonderfully sweet woman. But increasingly I find it very hard to visit. The problem is that when she has her schizophrenic episodes...

He’s too strong to be kept alive!

When I was a little boy, I was playing with my toys, *whistling*. Ahhh, the beauties of youth. I vroomed my toy car here and there and sang when I was interrupted with an aggresive rap on the front door. I opened the door and I saw nowone there. But as I looked down, I saw a snail. “Hey sir, what yo...

I am having trouble sleeping. My head keeps on playing sounds of a luxurious car.

I think I am having Auditory hallucinations.

My wife keeps telling me I need anger management

My psychiatrist keeps telling me I don’t have a wife and I need stronger medication for my hallucinations.

A Genie and his Lamp

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are trapped alone on a desert island and find an unusual looking lamp. One of them rubs it and suddenly a genie appears and grants them each 3 wishes.

But actually, due to their extreme levels of dehydration, they were just having shared hallucinati...

My collection of meta knock knock jokes (on mobile so bad formatting)

Knock knock|who's there|hallucinations| hallucinations who? | (Walk away)
|||knock knock|who's there|sudden anxiety attack|sudden anxiety attack who?|Sorry am I talking too much?
||| Knock knock|Who's there|Your inability to focus|your inability to focus who|(mouth the words your inability t...

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A man is lost in the desert without food and water

Over a dune, he sees a cave. Delighted, he rushes in, seeking shelter from the scorching sun. As his eyes acclimate to the cave’s light, he sees a pedestal surrounded by light deep in the cave. Upon the pedestal lies a slice of peanut butter toast. The man rushes towards the slice, but 1/3rd of the ...

A man was offroading in the desert.

He was driving over the dunes and past the shrubs and bushes that dotted the landscape, when a sandstorm started blowing over. He figured he'd be fine, but the sand made his engine lock up.

After it had passed, he went out in search for help. The storm disoriented him and blew away his car tr...

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Three men die and go to heaven

These three men namely Steve, Joseph and Dave hadn't ever touched alcohol, drugs or cigarettes. After they reach heaven God says,"Since you three have never done anything wrong in your life , you are free to choose whatever you want to do for the next 50 years, but once you enter the room you choose...

[Long] Trying to find a date had been really difficult for me recently

I’d been having some mental health issues lately and so my doctor prescribed me with some pills to help treat them. Unfortunately they had the unavoidable side affect of making me hallucinate.

My daily routine didn’t change that much, but it did have a huge affect on my dating game. Every da...

So a Doctor walks into a bar...

As he takes a seat at the bar, he looks up in confusion wondering why he can't locate the bartender and whether or not he should be concerned by the mouse perched behind the bar looking him dead in the eye. The mouse squeaks, "What'll you have, doc?" Taken aback and considering the possibility of ha...

Two men are stranded in a desert, dying of dehydration.

Finding no salvation anywhere, they kept walking, and eventually saw something on the horizon.

Initially, they thought it to be a mirage, a hallucination brought on by their dehydration. But as they got closer, it became apparent that it was not a mirage, but instead a marketplace. They deci...

There's a new Christian drug on the market called "SkyCake," a.k.a. "The Lord's Name"...

...which causes Angelic hallucinations during the high. Like cocaine, SkyCake \ The Lord's Name must primarily be snorted. However, SkyCake is so potent, that if injected directly into the user's veins, intravenously, it may cause immediate cardiac arrest.

Thus, there's a new saying on the ...

Gandhi, as you know, would walk barefoot everywhere...

...and as a result he developed these massive callouses on his feet. He would also fast, from time to time. Because of this lack of food his bones became extremely brittle. It would also give him hallucinations from time to time. Finally, Gandhi never really had the time to clean his teeth and he be...

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