A doctor recently told me that I have cancer and now he's saying that I also have dementia.

At least I don't have cancer.

Dementia

Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the doctor's office. The Doctor asks, "What is three times three?"
The first man answers, "274."
The second man answers, "Tuesday."
The third man answers, "Nine."
The doctor pleasantly surprised at the third man's correct response, inqu...

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man lives with his mother who has dementia.

His mother asks what he is making them for dinner. The man replies, "A steak with potatoes."

His mother nods, and asks the same question minutes later. The man replies by saying, "I really hope I never develop dementia, I wouldn't know how to care for you." And knocks on the wooden table for ...

My grandma had dementia in her later years and would tell me this joke every time I saw her: When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy. When your uterus is removed it’s called a hysterectomy. What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut. (And she’d laugh every time! I miss her terribly.)

A man is worried he has Dementia

So he goes online and finds this really good psychologist and makes an appointment.
When he goes in for the appointment the lady behind the counter says "Hi Mr. Sturr, the usual?"

An older man with a touch of dementia wobbles into a Catholic Church, sits down in the confessional booth, but doesn't utter a word. The Priest coughs, hoping to get a response. But the older man just sits and says nothing. Finally the Priest raps his knuckles three times on the screen.

The older guy mumbles, "Don't bother knocking, pal. There's no paper over here either.”

Sorry to hear about your dementia...

But do you have that 10 grand you owe me?

What did Rihanna say to her grandma when she found out she had dementia?

"Oh nana, what's my name?"

My nan's got dementia the poor sod, all she does is stand there looking through the window

Maybe one day, i'll let her in

What do you get from a politician with dementia?

The truth

What did the Italian with early onset dementia say?

I fuhgoddaboudit!

Frontotemporal dementia is no hindrance

My grandma lives in a nursing home cuz she got several kinds of dementia, 99% of the time she stares at something distant and quietly repeats what we've just said to her.

Last time we visited her my mother asked what they had eaten yesterday, when my grandma remembered correctly my mother sai...

"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Dave." "Dave who?"

Dave begins to sob uncontrollably as he realises his mother's dementia has worsened.

Ok, so some dumbass has dementia

What was I saying again?

There's two types of people in this world... People who have dementia,

and people who have dementia

Did you hear about the guy with dementia floating out into the great salt lake?

He was drifting slowly into salinity.

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

Whats the best thing about having dementia?

There are new jokes on this subs all the time

The three advantages of dementia:

1. You can laugh about the same jokes again and again.
2. You meet new people every day.
3. You can laugh about the same jokes again and again.

I really hate dementia

I can't remember why

I Googled the symptoms of dementia

But all the links were purple.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doc says there is good news about my dementia

I get to fuck a different woman every day.

a guy with dementia walks into a bar

a guy with dementia walks into a bar

Did I ever tell you the joke about the guy suffering from dementia?

Did I ever tell you the joke about the guy suffering from dementia?

Lego bricks are being used to help people with dementia and alzheimers...

They are being put at the side of their beds to remind the old folks to put their shoes on when they get up...

My Mother-In-Law asked how Charles Manson died, and I responded, "Complications with dementia". To which she replied...

"I thought he was demented his whole life. Why is he having complications with it now??"

Living with dementia is hard.

At least I think it is, I can't remember

How many dementia sufferers does it take to change a light-bulb?

To get to the other side!

(Apologies if re-post. I forgot where I heard this)

Heard a joke about dementia

Heard a joke about dementia

Doctor: You have dementia

Patient: cool but I don’t remember asking

What does an Italian dementia patient eat for dessert?

Affogato.

Wanna know what would be a great game for people with dementia?

Memory.

You know what the worst part of Grandma's dementia was?

When she forgot about Dre.

I’m planning to throw a rock at my grandma with dementia

She won’t know what hit her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup while his family was standing by in the waiting room.

During the checkup, the doctor asked the man if he was having any issues with wetting the bed at night.

The man responded, "No doc, no issues at all with that. On the contrary, when I go to the bathroom, a fairy or something turns the light on when I open the door. And after I finish going ...

A patient suffering from dementia is rolled into ER.

Doctor asks : "Who is the President of the United States of America?"

Patient answers : "Who is the President of the United States of America?"

Went to a dementia support group and I was the only one that showed up.

I guess they all forgot

So eminem opened up a mom’s spaghetti restaurant

What’s next? Dr Dre opening up a Dementia Research Facility?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate being a dyslexic comedian with dementia

I always punch up the fuckline, but at least this is the first time the joke's been on this subreddit!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BBC News: Being obese can cut your risk of dementia...

Hold on, lets rephrase that:

"Fat fuckers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept"

I fondly remember the time I found a cure for dementia.

Ahh......That brings back memories.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes his wife of 35 years to the doctors office

His wife has not been acting herself lately and wanted to have her checked out. After a thorough work up by the doctor of his wife the doctor comes back into the lobby to speak with the husband.

Husband “What is it doc?”

Doctor “Well, we have narrowed it down to 1 of 2 diseases . It’...

"What do we want?"

"A cure for dementia!"

"When do we want it?"

"Want what?"

A bipolar patient, dementia patient, and narcissist walk into a club.

And the announcer says “Welcome to the first 2020 presidential debate.”

Every 3 minutes, someone is diagnosed with dementia

Poor lad keeps forgetting he has it

A dark sense of humor is a early sign of dementia.

A dark sense of humor is a early sign of dementia.

Knock Knock

Who’s there?


Dementia


who?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandmother was recently diagnosed with dementia, so she has no short term memory.

Which really puts a damper on the make-up sex.

An old man goes on a rant

“Don’t worry honey, I’m fine. I’m just faking it, I don’t have dementia. You see, I’m just tired. Tired of the kids whining and asking for money. Tired of my doctor always telling me I need to eat healthier and exercise. Tired of all these telemarketers. Tired of our neighbors always treating me lik...

My grandmother, a life-long abstract artist, has dementia.

For the longest the family couldn't be sure of her mental illness, but eventually we all saw the landscape.

Why was the 100 year old lady with dementia so emotional?

She was centi-mental.

What did the italian man with dementia have for dinner?

Forgetti Bolognese.

Rose's are red, violets are blue

I have dementia, violets are blue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman starts her new job at an old folks home

She's placed in the dementia ward and goes about her day. Later in the day, an old man starts running around the TV area with his arms held wide, making airplane noises shouting "I'm flying to California! I'm flying to California!"

She rushes over and calms him down, finally able to sit him ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patient walks into the doctors office

Patient walks into a doctor’s private office and sees that the doctor has a worried look on his face. The patient asks with a nervous smile “what’s wrong doc, what’s wrong with me?”
The doctor looks at him and asks “can you tell me if your family has any history of Alzheimer’s or dementia”
...

*knock knock"

Who's there?
Nick.
Nick who?


Nick started crying, realizing that his grandmother dementia has gotten a lot worse

My grandpa said he was going to take the dog out for a walk. He returned an hour later with nothing but the dog lead.

As tears streamed down his face, he said, "I just... don't know where the little guy went."

"I see your dementia hasn't improved," I sighed. "You left him here on the sofa."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Sad Day

One day at the retirement home, nurse Wilson notices Mr. Johnson is just moping around looking very sad. So she says to him, "Mr. Johnson, what's wrong?". He says to the nurse "My penis died." Nurse Wilson thinking that his dementia is getting the best of him sympathizes with Mr. Johnson saying "Oh,...

one of the nice things about getting old

is no longer having to worry about early-onset dementia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Grandfathers story

My Grandfather told me a story today from many years ago.

He said he and my grandmother were driving down a long and dusty back road, sun beating down on a hot summers day.

When all of a sudden, they see an elderly lady walking a long the back road. Puzzled, my Grandfather pulls over ...

I told my roommate, "I just reminded my neighbor 6 times to take his cat with him when he moves tomorrow." My roommate replied, " That's just your dementia."

Ha, joke's on her. I remember all 3 times I told him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was a gifted surgeon but sadly she had to quit when she developed early onset dementia.

I was a stay at home dad looking after our twin boys. All was okay until the boys had a horrible accident while 'experimenting' with vacuum cleaners, tearing their penises right off.

I could see that my wife really wanted to sew them back on but couldn't re-member our two.

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy”

“Wow” says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

“That’s some locomotive”

They say that you are what you eat...

I don't remember eating a person with dementia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three turtles decide to go on a picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. ...

An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory

An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory. Fearful that they may be developing early signs of dementia, Alzheimers, or the like, they speed off to their doctor. The doctor gives them a thorough examination and says, "Honestly, you are both in great shape and should take pride in your physi...

The British Royals are having tea

Queen Elizabeth says "Philip, I think you should see a doctor. I fear you have a touch of dementia."

"ME? *You're* the one who thinks she's the bloody Queen of England!"

Living beside a groundhog means you get one prediction every morning.

Yesterday I learned that my tomatoes will be ripe in 6 weeks.

Today I learned that my dementia is onset and early.

Forgive me for this...

One hot summer day, a cop gets a call about an indecent exposure. He rushes over to the address and is directed to the house next door where he sees an old woman, eating watermelon, dress hitched up to her waist, and no underwear on.

He walks up the driveway towards this woman about to arrest...

An older man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup.

The doctor performs all of the routine tests — physical, cognitive, blood, urinalysis, etc. — and he tells the man to come back in a week for the results.

A week later the man returns to the doctor’s office. The doctor addresses him with a stern look on his face and says, “Unfortunately, I h...

I don’t often tell dad jokes.

He’s pretty deaf and I have to repeat them a lot. It’s really frustrating to repeat jokes and it just never is funny the second let alone third time I tell it. I think he has dementia too.

With the election coming up Tuesday, Exit polls show Donald Trump having a 300 point lead in one state...

Dementia.

My grandfather's favorite joke.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where ya left it.
[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]
Edit: Sorry I am relatively new to reddit so I've added some brackets thanks guys!
Edit 2:I decided to show my grandf...

"Honey, why don't you ever play golf anymore?"

Mary asks Bob, her husband.
"Dear, I'd love to, but my eyesight has been getting worse and worse and I can hardly see the ball anymore."
"Well take my brother with you then, even at his age his eyes are still as good as the day he was born!"
"But Mary, you do realize Steve has severe ...

A doctor diagnosed me with...

... Paranoid Schizophrenia.
But he's just out to get me. So are you.

... Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Which means I am AWESOME!

... Multiple Personality Disorder.
But we don't believe him.

... Expressive Aphasia.
Cheddar concrete levitates archetypal moonbeams...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I probably have a very good relationship with Kim Jong Un”

Dementia is a bitch.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.