What do you call a monster with multiple personality disorder?

A we're wolf.

Just found out I have multiple personality disorder

I gotta tell the other guys

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After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

Did you hear about the guy that tried to get a date at a facility for women with eating disorders?

It was slim pickings.

I just had to go to the doctor after an out of body experience to find out if I had depersonalization disorder

I was beside myself with worry.

Doctor: I was told you have some kind of speech disorder. How bad is it?

Me: I can't complain.

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A man with an ejaculatory disorder ran up behind me while I was walking home

He really came out of nowhere!

I tell all my dates I'm an open book.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition.

What do you call a dinosaur with an anxiety disorder ?

A nervous Rex.

What disorder can you get listening to kpop?

BTSD

My boyfriend just left me because of my anxiety disorder!

EDIT: Oh, never mind. He just went to grab a cup of coffee.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.' The doctor continued, 'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For d...

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Health Plans

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient pleasuring himself right there in the hallway. "Wh...

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Papal Ailment

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques. None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him. Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour, he came out and told the cardinals that the Pope...

Seasonal Affective Disorder

More like Fall Damage, mirite?

A girl came into my bookstore and asked...

A girl came into my bookstore and asked, "what are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to nun?

My psychiatrist told me I have multiple personality disorder

We think that’s stupid

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

“Stop diagnosing them.”

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

My girlfriend says that I have compulsive lying disorder, and I have to say she’s right.

I don’t have a girlfriend.

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What does the mom say when she catches her son with multiple personality disorder in the middle of masturbating?

Stop playing with yourselves.

Coping with multiple personality disorder is easy.

But, I've always been more of a people person.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

Seriously, she has Multiple Personality Disorder?

Yeah, crazy right. Sharon is Karen.

Did you know diarrhea is actually a hereditary disorder?

Duh, it runs in your Genes (Jeans)!!

My bro asked what’s it like being diabetic?

I said “it has its highs and lows” I asked him what it was like to have Bipolar disorder, he said “it has its ups and downs”

One of the guys I went to school with suffered from Multiple Personality Disorder

But he was good people.

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder.

Well, three can play that game!

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

My kid has Attention Deficit Disorder so I have sent him to a summer camp for kids with ADHD.

It's known as a Concentration Camp.

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

What kind of blood disorder is most common among communists?

Hammer-and-Sickle cell anemia.

Bleeder

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor a...

Why did the clairvoyant visit the psychologist?

He was suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

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Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

Why was the airbender afraid to face the fire lord?

He had an aangxiety disorder.

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Today, my therapist told me that I might have Multiple Personality Disorder.

I said, “Doctor, you must be talking to the wrong guy.”

I heard internet addiction is now an official mental disorder and you can go to rehab for it.

Guess I'm going only if there is only Wi-Fi.

I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder.

Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out.

I would take them all over my ex-wife's one!

Edit: Don't believe this guy! He sucks at telling jokes.

Edit: Shut up Jeff!

Edit: No, you shut up Karen!

Edit: you guys are impossible to ...

I don't have any mental disorders.

My other personalities aren't so lucky.

When I Got Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry .

I think I've got bipolar disorder.

I'm about 50% sure.

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

I got a handjob from a girl with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was the best minute of my life...

Then the worst eleven minutes of my life.

My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

People keep telling me that I have split-personality disorder.

But that’s just me being frank with you all.

Cat with mental disorder

The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.

She now have 45 lives.

If Marty McFly had bipolar disorder...

....would that have made him Sweet n' Sour Chicken?

Why did 10 have post traumatic stress disorders and night terrors?

Because he was smack dab in the middle of 9 11

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I have body dysmorphic disorder

That means that I see myself differently to how you see me.

You probably see me as a skinny white man, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a fat Asian lady.

And she usually tells me to "Fuck off and stop looking through my window"

Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder?

*points thumbs at chest*

That guy.

My friend who suffers from bipolar disorder called from the lobby.

He said, "Hey, I'm feeling great today. You want to go do something?"

I said, "Sure! I'll be down in a minute."

He said, "Well, that makes two of us."

Okay, how bad is this one?

How does a person with multiple personality disorder live with oneself?

Well, they don't....

What do you call a goat with a pancreatic disorder?

Diableatus.

I have Bi-Polaroid Disorder

All that comes out of me is negatives

My compulsive disorder restricts me from putting anything on the left..

But thats alright

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I wanted to volunteer at the tourettes disorder association

But they told me to go fuck myself.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...

And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him

A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder...

Trump said "It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world. Believe me."

Roses are red, Violets are blue. I've got multiple personality disorder...

And we do too.

What do you call a fruit that’s high in potassium and likes disorder?

A bananachist.

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Mickey Mouse sits down with a divorce attorney for the initial case review.

The divorce attorney flips through the file and says, "Okay, so you want to file for divorce from Minnie because she has a... mental disorder?"

Mickey says, "I didn't say she has a mental disorder, I said she's fucking Goofy!"

I have found a cure for people suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder...

... just send them to concentration camps.

What's the opposite of Seasonal Affective Disorder?

A tropical depression.

A man with multiple-personality disorder walked into a bar.

No he didn't.

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

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Extreme Sexual Disorder

A group of young doctors are on psychiatric residency. On the first day the senior ward psychiatrist tells them to peer into the window of a room. The take a peek and to their dismay they see a man frantically masturbating in the most violent of ways.

They ask the psychiatrist what's wrong wi...

Bad Children's Books Titles

Here are some bad children's books titles I found in my jokes archive. Can you think of others?

1. "You Were an Accident"
2. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
5. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Assoc...

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

What exactly is dissassociative identity disorder?

I've heard of it but don't know what it means?

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How do you bid farewell to a sexually open Arctic animal with a mental disorder.

"Bye bye bi bipolar polar bear!"

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

I have an eating disorder...

I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.

Last week, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder...

At first, I was ecstatic.

Recent studies show that 100% of people disabled from the waist down are diagnosed with a mental disorder

Crippling Depression

What do you call a group of ducks quacking at once in a disorderly fashion?

Quack-aphony

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"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

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A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see – a relative, a neighbor ..."

"At this time of the night?...

What disorder will Spiderman get as he ages?

Peter Parkinsons

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Multiple Personality Disorder

A girl I met claimed to have multiple personalities. “Is that OK with you?” she asked.

“Quack quack quack!” I responded, then added “Apologies, my other personality is a duck. He doesn’t talk much, good listener though.”

“That’s so interesting!” she replied. “So how do you understand e...

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My doctor says I have oppositional-defiant disorder.

But he's wrong, so fuck him!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Multiple personality disorder has made my sex life hard...

I want to masturbate , but I'm not into orgies.

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My brother was recently diagnosed with an eating disorder called pica, which means he eats non-nutritive substances...

When I beat him at Jenga the other day, he literally shit bricks.

What do you call a homeless horse with a Borderline Personality Disorder ?

Unstable.

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

I just read a book about Bipolar Disorder.

One hand I liked it and sent it to everyone I know, on the other hand I burned it and my house down.

The husband had a really bad condition of multiple personality disorder...

"Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower."

"That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

"Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

My psychiatrist said my exhibitionist disorder was incurable.

I'll show her.

Two patients were sitting in a mental hospital cafetaria

Suddenly on the table over, a man, sitting all alone, started laughing hysterically.

First patient asked, "What do you make of that?"

"What, Jimmy two-face over there? That guy has split personality disorder", said the second patient.

"So what?" said the first patient.

"...

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A man is touring a hospital to see how they operate

before potentially donating a large sum of money. The director giving him the tour is taking him around and showing him all of the different rooms. As they're walking, they run into a man who's masturbating. The director apologizes to both the masturbating man as well as the potential donor. Once th...

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”“In all that tim...

If Hannibal Lecter ran a 4.3 40

The NFL would just say he has an eating disorder

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