This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with an ejaculatory disorder ran up behind me while I was walking home

He really came out of nowhere!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

What do you call a monster with multiple personality disorder?

A we're wolf.

What disorder can you get listening to kpop?

BTSD

My boyfriend just left me because of my anxiety disorder!

EDIT: Oh, never mind. He just went to grab a cup of coffee.

Just found out I have multiple personality disorder

I gotta tell the other guys

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

“Stop diagnosing them.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the mom say when she catches her son with multiple personality disorder in the middle of masturbating?

Stop playing with yourselves.

Doctor: I was told you have some kind of speech disorder. How bad is it?

Me: I can't complain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

Did you know diarrhea is actually a hereditary disorder?

Duh, it runs in your Genes (Jeans)!!

Why did the clairvoyant visit the psychologist?

He was suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

Why was the airbender afraid to face the fire lord?

He had an aangxiety disorder.

What do you call a dinosaur with an anxiety disorder ?

A nervous Rex.

One of the guys I went to school with suffered from Multiple Personality Disorder

But he was good people.

My girlfriend says that I have compulsive lying disorder, and I have to say she’s right.

I don’t have a girlfriend.

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

My kid has Attention Deficit Disorder so I have sent him to a summer camp for kids with ADHD.

It's known as a Concentration Camp.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

More like Fall Damage, mirite?

Seriously, she has Multiple Personality Disorder?

Yeah, crazy right. Sharon is Karen.

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

My psychiatrist told me I have multiple personality disorder

We think that’s stupid

Okay, how bad is this one?

How does a person with multiple personality disorder live with oneself?

Well, they don't....

How would you describe an obsessive horologist with disassociative identity disorder?

Someone with too much time on his minds.

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

Coping with multiple personality disorder is easy.

But, I've always been more of a people person.

I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder.

Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out.

I would take them all over my ex-wife's one!

Edit: Don't believe this guy! He sucks at telling jokes.

Edit: Shut up Jeff!

Edit: No, you shut up Karen!

Edit: you guys are impossible to ...

What kind of blood disorder is most common among communists?

Hammer-and-Sickle cell anemia.

Zombies may appear slightly disordered at times.

But their food is always mindful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

When I Got Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry .

Why did 10 have post traumatic stress disorders and night terrors?

Because he was smack dab in the middle of 9 11

I think I've got bipolar disorder.

I'm about 50% sure.

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

I got a handjob from a girl with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was the best minute of my life...

Then the worst eleven minutes of my life.

My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder.

Well, three can play that game!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today, my therapist told me that I might have Multiple Personality Disorder.

I said, “Doctor, you must be talking to the wrong guy.”

People keep telling me that I have split-personality disorder.

But that’s just me being frank with you all.

I heard internet addiction is now an official mental disorder and you can go to rehab for it.

Guess I'm going only if there is only Wi-Fi.

I don't have any mental disorders.

My other personalities aren't so lucky.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse sits down with a divorce attorney for the initial case review.

The divorce attorney flips through the file and says, "Okay, so you want to file for divorce from Minnie because she has a... mental disorder?"

Mickey says, "I didn't say she has a mental disorder, I said she's fucking Goofy!"

USSR should've been called PTSD

Post-Tsarism Socialism Disorder

My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

If Marty McFly had bipolar disorder...

....would that have made him Sweet n' Sour Chicken?

Cat with mental disorder

The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.

She now have 45 lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have body dysmorphic disorder

That means that I see myself differently to how you see me.

You probably see me as a skinny white man, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a fat Asian lady.

And she usually tells me to "Fuck off and stop looking through my window"

Biochemistry Joke: A disordered protein is found dead in an alley in what appears to be a random murder

“What a shame”, says the police officer
“Another crime without motif”

My compulsive disorder restricts me from putting anything on the left..

But thats alright

My friend who suffers from bipolar disorder called from the lobby.

He said, "Hey, I'm feeling great today. You want to go do something?"

I said, "Sure! I'll be down in a minute."

He said, "Well, that makes two of us."

Bad Children's Books Titles

Here are some bad children's books titles I found in my jokes archive. Can you think of others?

1. "You Were an Accident"
2. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
5. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Assoc...

Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder?

*points thumbs at chest*

That guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

What do you call a goat with a pancreatic disorder?

Diableatus.

What do you call an animal that hibernates with a disorder that makes their moods change quickly?

A Bipolar bear

I have Bi-Polaroid Disorder

All that comes out of me is negatives

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...

And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him

Roses are red, Violets are blue. I've got multiple personality disorder...

And we do too.

A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder...

Trump said "It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world. Believe me."

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see – a relative, a neighbor ..."

"At this time of the night?...

What do you call a fruit that’s high in potassium and likes disorder?

A bananachist.

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

I have found a cure for people suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder...

... just send them to concentration camps.

What's the opposite of Seasonal Affective Disorder?

A tropical depression.

A man with multiple-personality disorder walked into a bar.

No he didn't.

Two patients were sitting in a mental hospital cafetaria

Suddenly on the table over, a man, sitting all alone, started laughing hysterically.

First patient asked, "What do you make of that?"

"What, Jimmy two-face over there? That guy has split personality disorder", said the second patient.

"So what?" said the first patient.

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Extreme Sexual Disorder

A group of young doctors are on psychiatric residency. On the first day the senior ward psychiatrist tells them to peer into the window of a room. The take a peek and to their dismay they see a man frantically masturbating in the most violent of ways.

They ask the psychiatrist what's wrong wi...

Why did the Mexican go to the psychiatrist?

His-panic disorder.

What exactly is dissassociative identity disorder?

I've heard of it but don't know what it means?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you bid farewell to a sexually open Arctic animal with a mental disorder.

"Bye bye bi bipolar polar bear!"

I have an eating disorder...

I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.

Last week, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder...

At first, I was ecstatic.

Recent studies show that 100% of people disabled from the waist down are diagnosed with a mental disorder

Crippling Depression

What do you call a group of ducks quacking at once in a disorderly fashion?

Quack-aphony

What disorder will Spiderman get as he ages?

Peter Parkinsons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Multiple Personality Disorder

A girl I met claimed to have multiple personalities. “Is that OK with you?” she asked.

“Quack quack quack!” I responded, then added “Apologies, my other personality is a duck. He doesn’t talk much, good listener though.”

“That’s so interesting!” she replied. “So how do you understand e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor says I have oppositional-defiant disorder.

But he's wrong, so fuck him!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother was recently diagnosed with an eating disorder called pica, which means he eats non-nutritive substances...

When I beat him at Jenga the other day, he literally shit bricks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Multiple personality disorder has made my sex life hard...

I want to masturbate , but I'm not into orgies.

What do you call a homeless horse with a Borderline Personality Disorder ?

Unstable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is touring a hospital to see how they operate

before potentially donating a large sum of money. The director giving him the tour is taking him around and showing him all of the different rooms. As they're walking, they run into a man who's masturbating. The director apologizes to both the masturbating man as well as the potential donor. Once th...

I just read a book about Bipolar Disorder.

One hand I liked it and sent it to everyone I know, on the other hand I burned it and my house down.

The husband had a really bad condition of multiple personality disorder...

"Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower."

"That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

"Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

If Hannibal Lecter ran a 4.3 40

The NFL would just say he has an eating disorder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy finally gathers up his courage and asks his crush out.

She says yes, and he invites her to an amusement park. They ride the carousel, the roller coaster and the ferris wheel. Then he asks her "What do you wanna do next?" She tells him "I wanna be weighed!"

As a matter of fact, there's a weight guesser present at the park,and they go to his stand....

My psychiatrist said my exhibitionist disorder was incurable.

I'll show her.

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”“In all that tim...

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought my wife was cheating on me but it turns out she's just fucking crazy.

Yeah, apparently I have multiple personality disorder

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.