UPJOKE
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After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

I found a really good website for bipolar disorder.

Unfortunately it keeps going down randomly

What math class does a tree with a speech disorder take?

Twigonometry.

Positive quote on living with Schizophrenia disorder

There is always someone there who cares for you without your knowledge

When suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, what's the key difference between being neurotic and being psychotic?

Being neurotic is bad for you, being psychotic is bad for everyone else.

Just found out I have multiple personality disorder

I gotta tell the other guys

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder

But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

My doctor says I have antisocial personality disorder.

At least, I think that’s what he said. It was a bit hard to hear him through the duct tape.

I tried to start a therapy group for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

They’ve assured me it’s me who needs the group and I’m getting enrolled next week. I’m so grateful for their help

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

Three patients with bipolar disorder are talking in a mental hospital.

The first, who's in a manic episode, starts talking about his quest to find God. The second, who's severely depressed, says they don't believe in God. The third, who's in a mixed episode, says, "that's ok, I don't believe in myself either."

A Man Walks into A Psychiatrist's Office

And says,

"Hey, doc, I think my brother's gone crazy! He's convinced he's a chicken."

The doc says,

"Well, it looks like a simple case of an identity disorder: why don't you turn him in?"

The guy responds,

"I would, doc, but I need the eggs."

Did you hear about the guy that tried to get a date at a facility for women with eating disorders?

It was slim pickings.

I just had to go to the doctor after an out of body experience to find out if I had depersonalization disorder

I was beside myself with worry.

What do you call a monster with multiple personality disorder?

A we're wolf.

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A man with an ejaculatory disorder ran up behind me while I was walking home

He really came out of nowhere!

What do you call a dinosaur with an anxiety disorder ?

A nervous Rex.

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

“Stop diagnosing them.”

My girlfriend says that I have compulsive lying disorder, and I have to say she’s right.

I don’t have a girlfriend.

Coping with multiple personality disorder is easy.

But, I've always been more of a people person.

I was diagnosed with antisocial behaviour disorder, so I joined a support group.

We never meet.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

My boyfriend just left me because of my anxiety disorder!

EDIT: Oh, never mind. He just went to grab a cup of coffee.

Doctor: I was told you have some kind of speech disorder. How bad is it?

Me: I can't complain.

The year is 2035 and students are now allowed to use their laptops in class

In the middle of math class, the kids were all giggling while the teacher was writing on the board.

She turns around and says “this is unacceptable, I will not have my class in disarray”

She goes back to the board and the kids start giggling again, this time louder than the last. ...

Seasonal Affective Disorder

More like Fall Damage, mirite?

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder.

Well, three can play that game!

My kid has Attention Deficit Disorder so I have sent him to a summer camp for kids with ADHD.

It's known as a Concentration Camp.

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What does the mom say when she catches her son with multiple personality disorder in the middle of masturbating?

Stop playing with yourselves.

What disorder can you get listening to kpop?

BTSD

Seriously, she has Multiple Personality Disorder?

Yeah, crazy right. Sharon is Karen.

Do you reckon I've got multiple personality disorder?

I'm in two minds, myself.

Did you know diarrhea is actually a hereditary disorder?

Duh, it runs in your Genes (Jeans)!!

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

I do not have dissociative personality disorder

I don't.

One of the guys I went to school with suffered from Multiple Personality Disorder

But he was good people.

Cat with mental disorder

The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.

She now have 45 lives.

Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder?

*points thumbs at chest*

That guy.

What kind of blood disorder is most common among communists?

Hammer-and-Sickle cell anemia.

I got a handjob from a girl with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was the best minute of my life...

Then the worst eleven minutes of my life.

I am half Spiderman, half batman and half moon knight...

\- Poor
\- With no powers
\- With mental disorders

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

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Today, my therapist told me that I might have Multiple Personality Disorder.

I said, “Doctor, you must be talking to the wrong guy.”

How would you describe an obsessive horologist with disassociative identity disorder?

Someone with too much time on his minds.

I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder.

Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out.

I would take them all over my ex-wife's one!

Edit: Don't believe this guy! He sucks at telling jokes.

Edit: Shut up Jeff!

Edit: No, you shut up Karen!

Edit: you guys are impossible to ...

I don't have any mental disorders.

My other personalities aren't so lucky.

When I Got Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry .

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Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

People keep telling me that I have split-personality disorder.

But that’s just me being frank with you all.

My friend who suffers from bipolar disorder called from the lobby.

He said, "Hey, I'm feeling great today. You want to go do something?"

I said, "Sure! I'll be down in a minute."

He said, "Well, that makes two of us."

If Marty McFly had bipolar disorder...

....would that have made him Sweet n' Sour Chicken?

A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder...

Trump said "It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world. Believe me."

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

Why did 10 have post traumatic stress disorders and night terrors?

Because he was smack dab in the middle of 9 11

I have Bi-Polaroid Disorder

All that comes out of me is negatives

I have found a cure for people suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder...

... just send them to concentration camps.

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I have body dysmorphic disorder

That means that I see myself differently to how you see me.

You probably see me as a skinny white man, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a fat Asian lady.

And she usually tells me to "Fuck off and stop looking through my window"

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Extreme Sexual Disorder

A group of young doctors are on psychiatric residency. On the first day the senior ward psychiatrist tells them to peer into the window of a room. The take a peek and to their dismay they see a man frantically masturbating in the most violent of ways.

They ask the psychiatrist what's wrong wi...

What exactly is dissassociative identity disorder?

I've heard of it but don't know what it means?

What do you call a fruit that’s high in potassium and likes disorder?

A bananachist.

My compulsive disorder restricts me from putting anything on the left..

But thats alright

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...

And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him

A man with multiple-personality disorder walked into a bar.

No he didn't.

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

Hey, I’m Ethan and I have multiple personality disorder

-don’t listen to him that’s nonsense

What's the opposite of Seasonal Affective Disorder?

A tropical depression.

What disorder will Spiderman get as he ages?

Peter Parkinsons

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Multiple personality disorder has made my sex life hard...

I want to masturbate , but I'm not into orgies.

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Multiple Personality Disorder

A girl I met claimed to have multiple personalities. “Is that OK with you?” she asked.

“Quack quack quack!” I responded, then added “Apologies, my other personality is a duck. He doesn’t talk much, good listener though.”

“That’s so interesting!” she replied. “So how do you understand e...

What do you call a goat with a pancreatic disorder?

Diableatus.

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How do you bid farewell to a sexually open Arctic animal with a mental disorder.

"Bye bye bi bipolar polar bear!"

I have an eating disorder...

I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.

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March is women’s history month.

It’s also bleeding disorder awareness month, and I think that’s kinda fucked up.

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

Recent studies show that 100% of people disabled from the waist down are diagnosed with a mental disorder

Crippling Depression

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My doctor says I have oppositional-defiant disorder.

But he's wrong, so fuck him!

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My brother was recently diagnosed with an eating disorder called pica, which means he eats non-nutritive substances...

When I beat him at Jenga the other day, he literally shit bricks.

What do you call a homeless horse with a Borderline Personality Disorder ?

Unstable.

My psychiatrist said my exhibitionist disorder was incurable.

I'll show her.

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

I just read a book about Bipolar Disorder.

One hand I liked it and sent it to everyone I know, on the other hand I burned it and my house down.

The husband had a really bad condition of multiple personality disorder...

"Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower."

"That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

"Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

What do you call an Indian with an eating disorder?

Binjita.

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Health Plans

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient pleasuring himself right there in the hallway. "Wh...

What do you call a group of ducks quacking at once in a disorderly fashion?

Quack-aphony

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.' The doctor continued, 'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For d...

A medical student

A medical student walks into his favorite local bar and orders a beer. "I've finally decided what my practice will specialize in," the student tells the bartender. "It will be in the study and treatment of the diseases and disorders of the Adam's apple." "Is there some sort of fancy medical name for...

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers.

“Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk."

“You’re right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly. You’ll have to appear before me at 10AM ...

I tell all my dates I'm an open book.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition.

What vegetable has Avoidant Personality Disorder?

*Lettuce alone!*

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

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