UPJOKE
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After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

Just found out I have multiple personality disorder

I gotta tell the other guys

I tried to start a therapy group for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

They’ve assured me it’s me who needs the group and I’m getting enrolled next week. I’m so grateful for their help

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

I was diagnosed with antisocial behaviour disorder, so I joined a support group.

We never meet.

Did you hear about the guy that tried to get a date at a facility for women with eating disorders?

It was slim pickings.

I just had to go to the doctor after an out of body experience to find out if I had depersonalization disorder

I was beside myself with worry.

What do you call a monster with multiple personality disorder?

A we're wolf.

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A man with an ejaculatory disorder ran up behind me while I was walking home

He really came out of nowhere!

My psychiatrist told me I have multiple personality disorder

We think that’s stupid

What do you call a dinosaur with an anxiety disorder ?

A nervous Rex.

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

“Stop diagnosing them.”

I am half Spiderman, half batman and half moon knight...

\- Poor
\- With no powers
\- With mental disorders

Doctor: I was told you have some kind of speech disorder. How bad is it?

Me: I can't complain.

My boyfriend just left me because of my anxiety disorder!

EDIT: Oh, never mind. He just went to grab a cup of coffee.

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

My girlfriend says that I have compulsive lying disorder, and I have to say she’s right.

I don’t have a girlfriend.

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

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What does the mom say when she catches her son with multiple personality disorder in the middle of masturbating?

Stop playing with yourselves.

Coping with multiple personality disorder is easy.

But, I've always been more of a people person.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

More like Fall Damage, mirite?

Did you know diarrhea is actually a hereditary disorder?

Duh, it runs in your Genes (Jeans)!!

A medical student

A medical student walks into his favorite local bar and orders a beer. "I've finally decided what my practice will specialize in," the student tells the bartender. "It will be in the study and treatment of the diseases and disorders of the Adam's apple." "Is there some sort of fancy medical name for...

One of the guys I went to school with suffered from Multiple Personality Disorder

But he was good people.

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder.

Well, three can play that game!

My kid has Attention Deficit Disorder so I have sent him to a summer camp for kids with ADHD.

It's known as a Concentration Camp.

Seriously, she has Multiple Personality Disorder?

Yeah, crazy right. Sharon is Karen.

What kind of blood disorder is most common among communists?

Hammer-and-Sickle cell anemia.

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers.

“Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk."

“You’re right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly. You’ll have to appear before me at 10AM ...

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

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I want to sincerely thank everyone on Reddit for helping me deal with my sarcastic personality disorder

Fuck you

I think I've got bipolar disorder.

I'm about 50% sure.

Cat with mental disorder

The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.

She now have 45 lives.

I heard internet addiction is now an official mental disorder and you can go to rehab for it.

Guess I'm going only if there is only Wi-Fi.

I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder.

Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out.

I would take them all over my ex-wife's one!

Edit: Don't believe this guy! He sucks at telling jokes.

Edit: Shut up Jeff!

Edit: No, you shut up Karen!

Edit: you guys are impossible to ...

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

When I Got Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry .

I got a handjob from a girl with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was the best minute of my life...

Then the worst eleven minutes of my life.

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

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Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

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Health Plans

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient pleasuring himself right there in the hallway. "Wh...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.' The doctor continued, 'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For d...

How would you describe an obsessive horologist with disassociative identity disorder?

Someone with too much time on his minds.

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Today, my therapist told me that I might have Multiple Personality Disorder.

I said, “Doctor, you must be talking to the wrong guy.”

People keep telling me that I have split-personality disorder.

But that’s just me being frank with you all.

I don't have any mental disorders.

My other personalities aren't so lucky.

Why did 10 have post traumatic stress disorders and night terrors?

Because he was smack dab in the middle of 9 11

My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder?

*points thumbs at chest*

That guy.

If Marty McFly had bipolar disorder...

....would that have made him Sweet n' Sour Chicken?

I tell all my dates I'm an open book.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition.

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

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I have body dysmorphic disorder

That means that I see myself differently to how you see me.

You probably see me as a skinny white man, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a fat Asian lady.

And she usually tells me to "Fuck off and stop looking through my window"

My compulsive disorder restricts me from putting anything on the left..

But thats alright

A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder...

Trump said "It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world. Believe me."

Earlier today I got diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder.

It's really SAD.

What do you call a goat with a pancreatic disorder?

Diableatus.

I have Bi-Polaroid Disorder

All that comes out of me is negatives

What do you call a fruit that’s high in potassium and likes disorder?

A bananachist.

I have found a cure for people suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder...

... just send them to concentration camps.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...

And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him

My bro asked what’s it like being diabetic?

I said “it has its highs and lows” I asked him what it was like to have Bipolar disorder, he said “it has its ups and downs”

A man with multiple-personality disorder walked into a bar.

No he didn't.

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Extreme Sexual Disorder

A group of young doctors are on psychiatric residency. On the first day the senior ward psychiatrist tells them to peer into the window of a room. The take a peek and to their dismay they see a man frantically masturbating in the most violent of ways.

They ask the psychiatrist what's wrong wi...

What disorder will Spiderman get as he ages?

Peter Parkinsons

What exactly is dissassociative identity disorder?

I've heard of it but don't know what it means?

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How do you bid farewell to a sexually open Arctic animal with a mental disorder.

"Bye bye bi bipolar polar bear!"

I have an eating disorder...

I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.

Hey, I’m Ethan and I have multiple personality disorder

-don’t listen to him that’s nonsense

What's the opposite of Seasonal Affective Disorder?

A tropical depression.

Last week, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder...

At first, I was ecstatic.

Recent studies show that 100% of people disabled from the waist down are diagnosed with a mental disorder

Crippling Depression

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Multiple Personality Disorder

A girl I met claimed to have multiple personalities. “Is that OK with you?” she asked.

“Quack quack quack!” I responded, then added “Apologies, my other personality is a duck. He doesn’t talk much, good listener though.”

“That’s so interesting!” she replied. “So how do you understand e...

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Multiple personality disorder has made my sex life hard...

I want to masturbate , but I'm not into orgies.

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My doctor says I have oppositional-defiant disorder.

But he's wrong, so fuck him!

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My brother was recently diagnosed with an eating disorder called pica, which means he eats non-nutritive substances...

When I beat him at Jenga the other day, he literally shit bricks.

What do you call a homeless horse with a Borderline Personality Disorder ?

Unstable.

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

I just read a book about Bipolar Disorder.

One hand I liked it and sent it to everyone I know, on the other hand I burned it and my house down.

The husband had a really bad condition of multiple personality disorder...

"Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower."

"That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

"Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

Why did the clairvoyant visit the psychologist?

He was suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

What do you call a group of ducks quacking at once in a disorderly fashion?

Quack-aphony

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

My psychiatrist said my exhibitionist disorder was incurable.

I'll show her.

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

Bleeder

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor a...

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Mickey Mouse sits down with a divorce attorney for the initial case review.

The divorce attorney flips through the file and says, "Okay, so you want to file for divorce from Minnie because she has a... mental disorder?"

Mickey says, "I didn't say she has a mental disorder, I said she's fucking Goofy!"

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