UPJOKE
disturbancetroubledisorderlinessupsetperturbmesshyperactivityailmentinfectionconditionsyndromeillnessdiseasetraumadisarray

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

Cat with mental disorder

The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.

She now have 45 lives.

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

I used to have a rare psychological disorder that made me think I was various bodies of water.

I'm well now.

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

Positive quote on living with Schizophrenia disorder

There is always someone there who cares for you without your knowledge

What do you call a homeless horse with a Borderline Personality Disorder ?

Unstable.

Just found out I have multiple personality disorder

I gotta tell the other guys

Coping with multiple personality disorder is easy.

But, I've always been more of a people person.

My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder

But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

Did you know diarrhea is actually a hereditary disorder?

Duh, it runs in your Genes (Jeans)!!

I got a handjob from a girl with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was the best minute of my life...

Then the worst eleven minutes of my life.

I found a really good website for bipolar disorder.

Unfortunately it keeps going down randomly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pre-mature Ejaculation is an inherited disorder

it comes in your genes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist just diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and extreme indecisiveness.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder...

And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking cock.

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

My doctor says I have antisocial personality disorder.

At least, I think that’s what he said. It was a bit hard to hear him through the duct tape.

What math class does a tree with a speech disorder take?

Twigonometry.

There's no 'I' in 'team,'

But there are six in 'Dissociative Identity Disorder.'

Seasonal Affective Disorder

More like Fall Damage, mirite?

I tried to start a therapy group for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

They’ve assured me it’s me who needs the group and I’m getting enrolled next week. I’m so grateful for their help

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

What do you call a dinosaur with an anxiety disorder ?

A nervous Rex.

I don't have any mental disorders.

My other personalities aren't so lucky.

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

I was diagnosed with antisocial behaviour disorder, so I joined a support group.

We never meet.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

My boyfriend just left me because of my anxiety disorder!

EDIT: Oh, never mind. He just went to grab a cup of coffee.

What do you call a monster with multiple personality disorder?

A we're wolf.

Do you reckon I've got multiple personality disorder?

I'm in two minds, myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Extreme Sexual Disorder

A group of young doctors are on psychiatric residency. On the first day the senior ward psychiatrist tells them to peer into the window of a room. The take a peek and to their dismay they see a man frantically masturbating in the most violent of ways.

They ask the psychiatrist what's wrong wi...

If Marty McFly had bipolar disorder...

....would that have made him Sweet n' Sour Chicken?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder.

Well, three can play that game!

I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder.

Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out.

I would take them all over my ex-wife's one!

Edit: Don't believe this guy! He sucks at telling jokes.

Edit: Shut up Jeff!

Edit: No, you shut up Karen!

Edit: you guys are impossible to ...

Seriously, she has Multiple Personality Disorder?

Yeah, crazy right. Sharon is Karen.

I have an eating disorder...

I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have body dysmorphic disorder

That means that I see myself differently to how you see me.

You probably see me as a skinny white man, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a fat Asian lady.

And she usually tells me to "Fuck off and stop looking through my window"

Doctor: I was told you have some kind of speech disorder. How bad is it?

Me: I can't complain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Multiple Personality Disorder

A girl I met claimed to have multiple personalities. “Is that OK with you?” she asked.

“Quack quack quack!” I responded, then added “Apologies, my other personality is a duck. He doesn’t talk much, good listener though.”

“That’s so interesting!” she replied. “So how do you understand e...

What exactly is dissassociative identity disorder?

I've heard of it but don't know what it means?

What kind of blood disorder is most common among communists?

Hammer-and-Sickle cell anemia.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...

And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him

My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

What's the opposite of Seasonal Affective Disorder?

A tropical depression.

I went to high school with Sybil, the multiple personality disorder woman

She was good people.

People keep telling me that I have split-personality disorder.

But that’s just me being frank with you all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today, my therapist told me that I might have Multiple Personality Disorder.

I said, “Doctor, you must be talking to the wrong guy.”

My girlfriend says that I have compulsive lying disorder, and I have to say she’s right.

I don’t have a girlfriend.

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

“Stop diagnosing them.”

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

Did you hear about the guy that tried to get a date at a facility for women with eating disorders?

It was slim pickings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to volunteer at the tourettes disorder association

But they told me to go fuck myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Health Plans

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient pleasuring himself right there in the hallway. "Wh...

I just had to go to the doctor after an out of body experience to find out if I had depersonalization disorder

I was beside myself with worry.

My friend who suffers from bipolar disorder called from the lobby.

He said, "Hey, I'm feeling great today. You want to go do something?"

I said, "Sure! I'll be down in a minute."

He said, "Well, that makes two of us."

A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder...

Trump said "It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world. Believe me."

What disorder will Spiderman get as he ages?

Peter Parkinsons

My kid has Attention Deficit Disorder so I have sent him to a summer camp for kids with ADHD.

It's known as a Concentration Camp.

What do you call a goat with a pancreatic disorder?

Diableatus.

Why did 10 have post traumatic stress disorders and night terrors?

Because he was smack dab in the middle of 9 11

I have found a cure for people suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder...

... just send them to concentration camps.

My compulsive disorder restricts me from putting anything on the left..

But thats alright

A man with multiple-personality disorder walked into a bar.

No he didn't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor says I have oppositional-defiant disorder.

But he's wrong, so fuck him!

What vegetable has Avoidant Personality Disorder?

*Lettuce alone!*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Multiple personality disorder has made my sex life hard...

I want to masturbate , but I'm not into orgies.

My psychiatrist said my exhibitionist disorder was incurable.

I'll show her.

I just read a book about Bipolar Disorder.

One hand I liked it and sent it to everyone I know, on the other hand I burned it and my house down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

What do you call an Indian with an eating disorder?

Binjita.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,

all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was tha...

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother was recently diagnosed with an eating disorder called pica, which means he eats non-nutritive substances...

When I beat him at Jenga the other day, he literally shit bricks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you bid farewell to a sexually open Arctic animal with a mental disorder.

"Bye bye bi bipolar polar bear!"

What do you call a fruit that’s high in potassium and likes disorder?

A bananachist.

The husband had a really bad condition of multiple personality disorder...

"Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower."

"That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

"Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mental health hotline.



Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.


If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.


If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.


If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.


If y...

What do you call a group of ducks quacking at once in a disorderly fashion?

Quack-aphony

Recent studies show that 100% of people disabled from the waist down are diagnosed with a mental disorder

Crippling Depression

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me

She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist just diagnosed me as a people’s person…

..but he insists it’s called multiple personality disorder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a psychologist and he said that I'm a narcissist.

That's bullshit. A perfect guy like me can't possibly have a personality disorder.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD,

I told him that it was impossible because there is no disorder in my life

Once upon a time ...

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Basheer"...

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teach...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been Glueten free for 6 months, I still have PTSD.

Post Traumatic Shit Disorder. Seriously though, they used to be traumatic.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.