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Disorder Jokes

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

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My therapist just diagnosed me as a people’s person…

..but he insists it’s called multiple personality disorder.

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Mental health hotline.



Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.


If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.


If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.


If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.


If y...

There's no 'I' in 'team,'

But there are six in 'Dissociative Identity Disorder.'

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation,

"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well-behaved.

Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, that said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. ...

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My therapist just diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and extreme indecisiveness.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

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Pre-mature Ejaculation is an inherited disorder

it comes in your genes.

I found a really good website for bipolar disorder.

Unfortunately it keeps going down randomly

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when you're drunk,..

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:



Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation;

Cinnamon.



Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:



Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution;

Passive-aggressi...

What math class does a tree with a speech disorder take?

Twigonometry.

A Man Walks into A Psychiatrist's Office

And says,

"Hey, doc, I think my brother's gone crazy! He's convinced he's a chicken."

The doc says,

"Well, it looks like a simple case of an identity disorder: why don't you turn him in?"

The guy responds,

"I would, doc, but I need the eggs."

I am half Spiderman, half batman and half moon knight...

\- Poor
\- With no powers
\- With mental disorders

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

My doctor says I have antisocial personality disorder.

At least, I think that’s what he said. It was a bit hard to hear him through the duct tape.

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

I tell all my dates I'm an open book.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition.

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder

But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

I tried to start a therapy group for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

They’ve assured me it’s me who needs the group and I’m getting enrolled next week. I’m so grateful for their help

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Health Plans

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient pleasuring himself right there in the hallway. "Wh...

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March is women’s history month.

It’s also bleeding disorder awareness month, and I think that’s kinda fucked up.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.' The doctor continued, 'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For d...

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

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A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see – a relative, a neighbor ..."

"At this time of the night?...

Just found out I have multiple personality disorder

I gotta tell the other guys

Why did the Mexican go to the psychiatrist?

His-panic disorder.

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After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

I was diagnosed with antisocial behaviour disorder, so I joined a support group.

We never meet.

A medical student

A medical student walks into his favorite local bar and orders a beer. "I've finally decided what my practice will specialize in," the student tells the bartender. "It will be in the study and treatment of the diseases and disorders of the Adam's apple." "Is there some sort of fancy medical name for...

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers.

“Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk."

“You’re right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly. You’ll have to appear before me at 10AM ...

My bro asked what’s it like being diabetic?

I said “it has its highs and lows” I asked him what it was like to have Bipolar disorder, he said “it has its ups and downs”

Three patients with bipolar disorder are talking in a mental hospital.

The first, who's in a manic episode, starts talking about his quest to find God. The second, who's severely depressed, says they don't believe in God. The third, who's in a mixed episode, says, "that's ok, I don't believe in myself either."

Did you hear about the guy that tried to get a date at a facility for women with eating disorders?

It was slim pickings.

Why did the clairvoyant visit the psychologist?

He was suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

Okay, how bad is this one?

How does a person with multiple personality disorder live with oneself?

Well, they don't....

Bad Children's Books Titles

Here are some bad children's books titles I found in my jokes archive. Can you think of others?

1. "You Were an Accident"
2. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
5. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Assoc...

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"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

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Mickey Mouse sits down with a divorce attorney for the initial case review.

The divorce attorney flips through the file and says, "Okay, so you want to file for divorce from Minnie because she has a... mental disorder?"

Mickey says, "I didn't say she has a mental disorder, I said she's fucking Goofy!"

My boyfriend just left me because of my anxiety disorder!

EDIT: Oh, never mind. He just went to grab a cup of coffee.

Once upon a time ...

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Basheer"...

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teach...

I just had to go to the doctor after an out of body experience to find out if I had depersonalization disorder

I was beside myself with worry.

Bleeder

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor a...

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A guy finally gathers up his courage and asks his crush out.

She says yes, and he invites her to an amusement park. They ride the carousel, the roller coaster and the ferris wheel. Then he asks her "What do you wanna do next?" She tells him "I wanna be weighed!"

As a matter of fact, there's a weight guesser present at the park,and they go to his stand....

Two patients were sitting in a mental hospital cafetaria

Suddenly on the table over, a man, sitting all alone, started laughing hysterically.

First patient asked, "What do you make of that?"

"What, Jimmy two-face over there? That guy has split personality disorder", said the second patient.

"So what?" said the first patient.

"...

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

What do you call a monster with multiple personality disorder?

A we're wolf.

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My friends and I get bullied a lot

I was at school, going to the lunchroom with my friends- James (he has Parkinson's Disease), Alex (he's mute), Megan (she's completely blind in both eyes), Abby (she has asthma) and Hayley (she's albino). I myself am paralyzed from the waist down and so I need to use a wheelchair. Since my friends a...

Doctor: I was told you have some kind of speech disorder. How bad is it?

Me: I can't complain.

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD,

I told him that it was impossible because there is no disorder in my life

Hi I'm Bob

I'll be frank with you,
I have multiple personality disorder

My girlfriend says that I have compulsive lying disorder, and I have to say she’s right.

I don’t have a girlfriend.

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

“Stop diagnosing them.”

What do you call a dinosaur with an anxiety disorder ?

A nervous Rex.

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

What disorder can you get listening to kpop?

BTSD

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A man is touring a hospital to see how they operate

before potentially donating a large sum of money. The director giving him the tour is taking him around and showing him all of the different rooms. As they're walking, they run into a man who's masturbating. The director apologizes to both the masturbating man as well as the potential donor. Once th...

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

Seasonal Affective Disorder

More like Fall Damage, mirite?

I do not have dissociative personality disorder

I don't.

A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor

A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor. After the husband's check-up, the Dr. ask's the woman if he can have a word with her in his office.

"Certainly Dr. anything for my husband", the woman replies.

The Dr. says, "Your husband is suffering from a very rare and severe disorder, ...

Did you know diarrhea is actually a hereditary disorder?

Duh, it runs in your Genes (Jeans)!!

A priest is drunk and driving home

His disorderly driving reaches the attention of cops and they pull him over.

When they saw that it was a preist driving they were shocked and said "woah father how much have you been drinking?"

The preist looked at his water bottles and replied "Ah he's done it again"

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I went to a psychologist and he said that I'm a narcissist.

That's bullshit. A perfect guy like me can't possibly have a personality disorder.

Cat with mental disorder

The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.

She now have 45 lives.

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

Seriously, she has Multiple Personality Disorder?

Yeah, crazy right. Sharon is Karen.

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I thought my wife was cheating on me but it turns out she's just fucking crazy.

Yeah, apparently I have multiple personality disorder

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Therapist: So what brings you two in today?

Therapist: I think I have dissociative identity disorder.

Therapist: Don't listen to him, he doesn't know what he's talking about.

I got a handjob from a girl with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was the best minute of my life...

Then the worst eleven minutes of my life.

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A man goes to the Doctor

A man goes to the doctor with a severe speech disorder, determined to discover it's origins.

After many, many tests the doctor comes in with a solemn look on his face.

"werp ducktor, waths da calls of my Airelments?!" The man asked.

The doctor replied. "It appears that your spe...

My late grandfather’s favorite joke

A man woke up one morning and his cheeks was swollen and contorted, his eyes were almost completely shut and his lips puckered tight. He rushed over to the hospital and sees a doctor immediately.

“Doctor, what’s wrong with me?” Asked the man.

“Your test results came back inconclusive, ...

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Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

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Mothers Support Group...

At a mother's support group, a gathering of ladies with their children are talking with a therapist about life issues. After a few rounds of discussion the therapist had come to a few conclusions she wanted to share.

She looks at the first mother and says, "The reason you named your daughter...

My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder.

Well, three can play that game!

If Hannibal Lecter ran a 4.3 40

The NFL would just say he has an eating disorder

What kind of blood disorder is most common among communists?

Hammer-and-Sickle cell anemia.

One of the guys I went to school with suffered from Multiple Personality Disorder

But he was good people.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me

She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

A lethargic eunuch checks himself into the hospital.

"Doctor, I've lost all my energy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctors run a series of tests, but they can't find anything wrong with the eunuch.

"I'm sorry, but we don't know what's causing your fatigue. We've tested for anemia, depression, sleeping disorders, and we've turned up nothin...

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Timmy and Sally were at a school dance.......

At the dance Timmy and Sally sat on opposites sides of the hall. Timmy with the boys and Sally with the girls.

They were both born with genetic disorders.

* Timmy was born without a left eye but he wore a wooden prosthetic in its place.
* Sally was born with a cleft palate, the corr...

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At school, children learn about cucumbers

Miss Campbell starts the class by drawing a large cucumber on the blackboard. The whole class starts laughing. Miss Campbell blushes and questions Little Johnny:

'What do you think I drew on the blackboard?'

'A dick!' exclaims Little Johnny.

Miss Campbell is taken aback and runs...

I think I've got bipolar disorder.

I'm about 50% sure.

Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder?

*points thumbs at chest*

That guy.

What does a camera with mood swings have?

Bipolaroid disorder.

It’s white, says moo but it’s not a cow

A sheep with a identity disorder

Why didn't the hero get the girl?

She had a speech disorder.

me at the docters

so I was at the docters and the docter said you have a peeing disorder and that urine for a treat

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Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

My brain made a vote today

Seven against five decided that we did not have dissociative personality disorder.

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Today, my therapist told me that I might have Multiple Personality Disorder.

I said, “Doctor, you must be talking to the wrong guy.”

Why did 10 have post traumatic stress disorders and night terrors?

Because he was smack dab in the middle of 9 11

Ireland puns

what do irish people call split personallity disorder?

doublin

what do irish people call mytosis?

a doublin cell?

what do irish people call twins?

sean and connor

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Why psychologists don't like bondage sex?

-because they only like DSM

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[NSFW] A new intern is accompanying an experienced physician on rounds at the Clinic For Sexual Dysfunction.

As they look into the first room, the patient is furiously masturbating and looks very uncomfortable.

The intern asks, what’s wrong with that poor guy?

The doctor replies, “He suffers from extreme semen backup disorder. If he doesn’t ejaculate every three hours, he could die.”
...

I have found a cure for people suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder...

... just send them to concentration camps.

What exactly is dissassociative identity disorder?

I've heard of it but don't know what it means?

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