Just found out I have multiple personality disorder

I gotta tell the other guys

My boyfriend just left me because of my anxiety disorder!

EDIT: Oh, never mind. He just went to grab a cup of coffee.

Did you know diarrhea is actually a hereditary disorder?

Duh, it runs in your Genes (Jeans)!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with an ejaculatory disorder ran up behind me while I was walking home

He really came out of nowhere!

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

“Stop diagnosing them.”

Seasonal Affective Disorder

More like Fall Damage, mirite?

Seriously, she has Multiple Personality Disorder?

Yeah, crazy right. Sharon is Karen.

What do you call a dinosaur with an anxiety disorder ?

A nervous Rex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me I have narcissistic personality disorder...

I think he's just jealous of me

What kind of blood disorder is most common among communists?

Hammer-and-Sickle cell anemia.

Zombies may appear slightly disordered at times.

But their food is always mindful.

One of the guys I went to school with suffered from Multiple Personality Disorder

But he was good people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to sincerely thank everyone on Reddit for helping me deal with my sarcastic personality disorder

Fuck you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today, my therapist told me that I might have Multiple Personality Disorder.

I said, “Doctor, you must be talking to the wrong guy.”

My kid has Attention Deficit Disorder so I have sent him to a summer camp for kids with ADHD.

It's known as a Concentration Camp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the mom say when she catches her son with multiple personality disorder in the middle of masturbating?

Stop playing with yourselves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Difficult things to say when Drunk. 1. Innovative 2.Preliminary 3.Cinnamon. Very Difficult things to say when Drunk. 1.Specificity 2.Passive-disorder 3.Transubstantiate

Things that are just down right impossible to say when drunk.
1.No thanks, I’m married.
2.Nope, no more for me.
3.No, I don’t want to see your tits.

Bad Children's Books Titles

Here are some bad children's books titles I found in my jokes archive. Can you think of others?

1. "You Were an Accident"
2. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
5. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Assoc...

Two patients were sitting in a mental hospital cafetaria

Suddenly on the table over, a man, sitting all alone, started laughing hysterically.

First patient asked, "What do you make of that?"

"What, Jimmy two-face over there? That guy has split personality disorder", said the second patient.

"So what?" said the first patient.

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

If Hannibal Lecter ran a 4.3 40

The NFL would just say he has an eating disorder

Why did 10 have post traumatic stress disorders and night terrors?

Because he was smack dab in the middle of 9 11

When I Got Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is touring a hospital to see how they operate

before potentially donating a large sum of money. The director giving him the tour is taking him around and showing him all of the different rooms. As they're walking, they run into a man who's masturbating. The director apologizes to both the masturbating man as well as the potential donor. Once th...

I think I've got bipolar disorder.

I'm about 50% sure.

My girlfriend says that I have compulsive lying disorder, and I have to say she’s right.

I don’t have a girlfriend.

I laughed when I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

Well I was crying a second earlier, but well yeah.

My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

People keep telling me that I have split-personality disorder.

But that’s just me being frank with you all.

Coping with multiple personality disorder is easy.

But, I've always been more of a people person.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see – a relative, a neighbor ..."

"At this time of the night?...

How would you describe an obsessive horologist with disassociative identity disorder?

Someone with too much time on his minds.

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”“In all that tim...

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

I got a handjob from a girl with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was the best minute of my life...

Then the worst eleven minutes of my life.

I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder.

Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out.

I would take them all over my ex-wife's one!

Edit: Don't believe this guy! He sucks at telling jokes.

Edit: Shut up Jeff!

Edit: No, you shut up Karen!

Edit: you guys are impossible to ...

What do you call a goat with a pancreatic disorder?

Diableatus.

My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder.

Well, three can play that game!

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

My brother has a beef eating disorder and I'm worried

His life is at steak

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

My compulsive disorder restricts me from putting anything on the left..

But thats alright

I heard internet addiction is now an official mental disorder and you can go to rehab for it.

Guess I'm going only if there is only Wi-Fi.

My friend who suffers from bipolar disorder called from the lobby.

He said, "Hey, I'm feeling great today. You want to go do something?"

I said, "Sure! I'll be down in a minute."

He said, "Well, that makes two of us."

I don't have any mental disorders.

My other personalities aren't so lucky.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have body dysmorphic disorder

That means that I see myself differently to how you see me.

You probably see me as a skinny white man, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a fat Asian lady.

And she usually tells me to "Fuck off and stop looking through my window"

If Marty McFly had bipolar disorder...

....would that have made him Sweet n' Sour Chicken?

What do you call an animal that hibernates with a disorder that makes their moods change quickly?

A Bipolar bear

I have Bi-Polaroid Disorder

All that comes out of me is negatives

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought my wife was cheating on me but it turns out she's just fucking crazy.

Yeah, apparently I have multiple personality disorder

Why did the Mexican go to the psychiatrist?

His-panic disorder.

Earlier today I got diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder.

It's really SAD.

Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder?

*points thumbs at chest*

That guy.

A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder...

Trump said "It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world. Believe me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy finally gathers up his courage and asks his crush out.

She says yes, and he invites her to an amusement park. They ride the carousel, the roller coaster and the ferris wheel. Then he asks her "What do you wanna do next?" She tells him "I wanna be weighed!"

As a matter of fact, there's a weight guesser present at the park,and they go to his stand....

What do you call a fruit that’s high in potassium and likes disorder?

A bananachist.

Cat with mental disorder

The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.

She now have 45 lives.

What do you call an autoimmune disorder?

Allele problem

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...

And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him

I was recently diagnosed with multiple personality disorder

At least that's what my better half says

What's the opposite of Seasonal Affective Disorder?

A tropical depression.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a psychologist and he said that I'm a narcissist.

That's bullshit. A perfect guy like me can't possibly have a personality disorder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

I have found a cure for people suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder...

... just send them to concentration camps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: So what brings you two in today?

Therapist: I think I have dissociative identity disorder.

Therapist: Don't listen to him, he doesn't know what he's talking about.

A man with multiple-personality disorder walked into a bar.

No he didn't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Extreme Sexual Disorder

A group of young doctors are on psychiatric residency. On the first day the senior ward psychiatrist tells them to peer into the window of a room. The take a peek and to their dismay they see a man frantically masturbating in the most violent of ways.

They ask the psychiatrist what's wrong wi...

What exactly is dissassociative identity disorder?

I've heard of it but don't know what it means?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you bid farewell to a sexually open Arctic animal with a mental disorder.

"Bye bye bi bipolar polar bear!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

I have an eating disorder...

I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For l...

I just read a book about Bipolar Disorder.

One hand I liked it and sent it to everyone I know, on the other hand I burned it and my house down.

The husband had a really bad condition of multiple personality disorder...

"Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower."

"That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

"Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

Recent studies show that 100% of people disabled from the waist down are diagnosed with a mental disorder

Crippling Depression

What do you call an Indian with an eating disorder?

Binjita.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Multiple Personality Disorder

A girl I met claimed to have multiple personalities. “Is that OK with you?” she asked.

“Quack quack quack!” I responded, then added “Apologies, my other personality is a duck. He doesn’t talk much, good listener though.”

“That’s so interesting!” she replied. “So how do you understand e...

What disorder will Spiderman get as he ages?

Peter Parkinsons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor says I have oppositional-defiant disorder.

But he's wrong, so fuck him!

What do you call a homeless horse with a Borderline Personality Disorder ?

Unstable.

My late grandfather’s favorite joke

A man woke up one morning and his cheeks was swollen and contorted, his eyes were almost completely shut and his lips puckered tight. He rushed over to the hospital and sees a doctor immediately.

“Doctor, what’s wrong with me?” Asked the man.

“Your test results came back inconclusive, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."...

What do you call a group of ducks quacking at once in a disorderly fashion?

Quack-aphony

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.

After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Multiple personality disorder has made my sex life hard...

I want to masturbate , but I'm not into orgies.

I'm fat and get laughed at when I say I have an eating disorder

But I wouldn't be fat if I could stop eating disorder, datorder, and da other one too

I have a serious problem

I have two personalities. In one of them I feel and seem normal, everything is normal.

In my other personality though, I like to spit everywhere. Even on other people.

Spit personality disorder

A Journalist is being given a tour of a hospital by the Hospital administrator

They take the elevator to the 3rd floor, which is devoted entirely to eating disorder patients.

The Journalist notices a wedding gown and tuxedo hanging in one room.

"What is the deal with those?" the journalist asks

"Oh" says the administrator "Those are for very dire cases"...

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