what did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?

“which craft?”

African Grey Parrots are famously intelligent, but studies have shown that they consistently lose chess matches against ravens, jackdaws, and other corvids.

Said one researcher, "They just have trouble weighing the crows and pawns."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working on an offshore oil rig.

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"

The old timer nods knowingly and ...

Why is Jesus always shown with a 6 pack of abs?

Because he's cross fit.

An American couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose...

An American couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, a guy is being shown around an insane asylum on his first day of working there

He looks into a room through a window in the door and sees a man flailing his arms back and forth. So he asks “What are you doing in there”?

The reply back is “I’m a famous baseball player, and when I get out of here I’m going to win the World Series”

Moving on to the next door and lo...

Nicola Sturgeon is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital when one of the patients sits up in bed and exclaims:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before Nicola can respond, another patient responds: "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

while a third one chimes in with "Some hae meat and cannae eat, and some wad eat th...

A physicist and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.

They are shown into a room where a naked woman is lying on a bed on the other side of the room and told they can cross half the distance between them and the woman every minute.

The physicist throws up his hands and turns away.

The engineer walks halfway across the room.

"You fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.”

So, his wife lies down on the bed…and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion ...

President Calvin Coolidge and his wife were being shown separately around an experimental farm

When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day."

Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by."

When the President came by the...

Studies have shown that cigarettes can harm children...

...may need to start using an ashtray.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

Studies have shown that American youth has already started using the metric system

Nowadays you can even find students from various schools in America using 9mm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A navy recruit is being shown around the ship by the captain

A navy recruit is being shown around the ship by the captain.
Towards the end of the tour the captain takes the new recruit to the very bottom of the ship and shows him a room with nothing but a barrel with a hole in it. The captain tells the new recruit that sex with this barrel will be the bes...

Recently, Scientists have shown that Earth’s magnetic field is weakening.

It’s true. Current events have made it less attractive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rescued at last...

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for years before he is found. On the helicopter ride back to civilization, a rescuer asks him where he wants to go first.
The man says, "After all this time, there is only one thing I want. A woman!"
The rescuer responds, "The best I can do it t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pay up!!

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Ho...

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

A new pastor in a rural area...

A new pastor in a rural area is ready for his first service, but only one farmer has shown up. The pastor asks the farmer, "If you took a load of hay to feed your cows and when you got there, there was only one cow what would you do?".

"I'd feed it" said the farmer.

So the pastor asks...

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase a small see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man died and gets shown around in heaven by St. Peter

„So, over here we have the Muslims. Very nice people, celebrating that they‘re allowed to drink up here.“

„Next we have the Jews. Also really friendly, having discussion groups with God himself from time to time.“

„There are the Buddhists, really relaxed people, just enjoying themselve...

A recent study has shown that women who carry a little extra weight

live longer than the men who mention it.

A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at --
fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's
and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to ha...

A guy being examined by a psychologist is shown an inkblot card. "What does this look like?" asks the examiner

The guy studies it for a moment. "Oh, that's an easy one! It's Rorschach series III, sequence 6, card 2."

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

A recent study has shown TSA random searches are in fact random

After hundreds of hours of observation at dozens of airports researchers were able to say with a high degree of confidence that TSA searches are applied randomly. The frequency of brown skinned men entering the line was highly variable and had no discernible pattern.

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.

So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian man and his grandson are sitting on a cliff overlooking a town...

"My boy, leta mea tell you something abouta life." says the aged man. "I havea been a Stonemason in thisa town for \*fiftya\* years. For fifty years I have broken my back to build these peoples walls and houses. When people see me do they call me "wall builder Guiseppe"? No, they do not.

"I ...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex.

Unfortunately the study was conducted by Bill Cosby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a brothel...

...and says to the pimp,

"I've only got £10, what can I get for that?"

The pimp thinks for a second and says, "you can have this goat"

The guy agrees and goes into a back room with the goat. Next week he goes to the same brothel and speaks to the pimp again,

"I've only g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital...

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a seriou...

Studies have shown:

100% of bald men have no hair

A new officer is being shown around his office when a younger soldier comes in.

Wanting to show off he picks up the phone and says”of course sir I will take it to the president at once”

The soldier is seemingly impressed so the officer continues.

“ wait the president wants to congratulate me, it is true I did save those soldiers back in war”

He continues th...

Recent studies have shown that 67% of women have used vibrators

The other 33% have brand new ones

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are shown to have lower rates of autism than vaccinated children.

Because a dead two year old can't be fucking diagnosed with autism.

Recent studies have shown that first names have a significant impact on pregnancy rates.

For example someone called Mary is much more likely to get pregnant than someone called Tom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Research has shown that Obese people who have just had sexual reassignment surgery are more likely to survive cannibalistic scenarios

Because Trans Fat are bad for your health.

A foreign dignitary is being shown around a police station in Belarus, and he decides to as a question...

*Why do your police officers always patrol in teams of three?*, he asks.

*Simple,* his host says.

*There's always one that can read, and one that can write.*

*But what's the third one for?*, the dignitary asks.

*He's there to keep an eye on the tw...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring,

"A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brand new lumberjack is being shown around the work site where he will be felling trees.

The foreman takes him to the barracks, "Here's where you'll be sleeping, son, you have the top bunk over there" and motions to the corner of the room, "Up at 5 a.m., lights out at 10 p.m." The new hire looks at the shabby conditions but thinks he can put up with it for the pay he'll be receiving....

Recent studies show that chimps raised in captivity are more likely to reproduce if they are shown videos of other chimps mating in the wild.

monkey see monkey do monkey, monkey do monkey

A study has shown 90% of women aren’t interested in men that wear pink shirts.

Ironically, 90% of men that wear pink shirts aren’t interested in women.

Studies have shown horses exposed to marijuana are less stable and unsafe to ride.

So get off your high horse.

Studies have shown that a deer can jump higher than an average house.

This is because deer are agile animals and also due to the fact that a house cannot jump.

I find all the answers shown on Jeopardy! ...

to be highly questionable.

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Research has shown that sheep have vaginas almost similar to women

Is that why Mary had a little lamb?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his husband...

Were talking one evening over dinner when the more effeminate one expressed he was feeling a bit down in the dumps. The husband enquired as to what was happening...

Twink: “Well, I’m not feeling very ‘manly’ lately”.

Bear: “Oh hun, you are you and I love you, but why?”

Twink: si...

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

Hillary was shown a video of her flip-flopping on issues all over her career.

At first, she was upset. Now she says she's ok with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had sex with the most times".

The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to app...

A psychiatrist is being shown around a mental hospital.

After being shown around the corridors he walks into a room with two patients, one hanging from the roof upside down, and the other in the middle of the room cutting a piece of wood with a saw.

Doctor: Umm... What is it your doing?

First patient: What do you mean, what am I doing... Im...

A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.

St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.

The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the ma...

Studies have shown that half of the people in this country are slowly going crazy.

The rest of us are doing it quicker.

Surveys have shown that..

6/7 dwarfs aren't Happy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best place to spend a life in hell...

So, a man dies and goes to Hell. When he arrives he is greeted and shown around by a member of Hell’s HR department. He is told that he had three options as to where he will spent eternity.

The HR demon opens up door number one and the room is filled with people standing on their heads on a w...

Last night I was just browsing the web when the wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. "Oh, I'm just looking around for some cheap flights.” I replied. She got all excited, smiled widely and then came over to my desk, got on her knees, undid my fly and gave me a tremendous blowie!

Don't ask me why though. She’s never shown any interest in darts before this.

Studies have shown that married men live longer than single men...

So if you want a longer life, and a slower death, just get married.

Studies have shown that public speaking is the thing that people fear the most. The second most-common fear is death.

This means that most people would rather be the one in the casket rather than the one giving the eulogy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter and had gone all out

a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new General is shown the officers tent in the desert.

General: "So Captain, between you and me what do the men do to relieve the *cough* stress around here?"

Captain: *smiles* "Say no more Sir"

The Captain pokes his head out the tent and whistles over to a private and gives him a wink and gestures to the officers tent.

Captain to t...

Recent reports have shown that Tide Pods can be used to clean your bathtub or jacuzzi...

Since they're already acting like chlorine on our gene pool

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him.

"To become a good pathologist you need t...

With Star Wars, how come Episodes IV, V, VI were shown before Episodes I, II, III?

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Research has shown therapists can easily become the sexual predators.

It's only a matter of space.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant. He is shown to his seat and orders some food. When he is done eating, he pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter. The chef runs out of the kitchen and asks the panda "what did you do!?!?" The panda responds, "I'm a panda, look it up" and walks away. the chef looks on h...

[Serious] Have any animals besides humans been shown to exhibit humor in their social interactions?

Looking for anyone with specific knowledge of this. Any zoolologists out there?

Hans turns up for his first day with the German Coast Guard. He's shown round the building, then taken to his new position as radio operator.

"Gut Mornink, Hans," says the old hand. "As you are ze new guy, I am off to ze bier keller. Just remember, all international radio traffic must be in ze English", and leaves.

Hans sits listening to the radio for a while, when he hears a call.
"Mayday, Mayday - help us, can anyone hear us?"...

A new study has shown banana skins contain traces of LSD...

I guess that explains why people are always tripping on them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier is being shown round his new base in Egypt.

A soldier is being shown round his new base in Egypt. The soldier guiding him shows him were the basic things are. Beds, toilets, where to get food etc. Eventually the soldier ask "look this is all very well but, what do you do for sex?" And his guide responds "we use the camels." The soldier thinks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Navy recruit is being shown around the ship for the first time...

As he is going around the ship with the sergeant, they get to the sleeping quarters. The sergeant says, "This is where you will sleep and get dressed." Before they continue on, the recruit spots a barrel with a hole in the side of it in the corner of the sleeping quarters. The recruit asks, "Sir, wh...

Recent studies have shown that several species of shrimp have randomly died while migrating to other seas or oceans

I guess they were accident prawn

A study has shown that women are better than men at driving in fog..

Well of course they are. They're not looking where they're going.

I saw my old friend enter the bar

I saw my old friend enter the bar after 2 long years. Ever since he got married he hasnt shown his face around here so i was quite surprised to see him again. I asked him whats the occasion and he responded:

“So my wife actually banned me from going here, she says that she doesnt like my frie...

Apparently the majority of The United Arab Emirates don't allow The Flintstones to be shown...

However Abu Dhabi do.

Three guys are stranded on an island...

There's a white, black, and chinese guy that are stranded on an island together. Trying to figure out how to survive, they decide to divide up responsibilities. The white guy's job is to look for food and water. The black guy's job is to build shelter. And the chinese guy's job is to look for suppli...

How do you know when the drummer has shown up for band practice?

He won't stop banging at the door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Amazing non-Antisemitic Joke About the Rich Jew

This is a long joke.

There were two Jew friends: one of them was rich, and he lived in the city; the other one was poor, and he lived in a village. At one point, the poor Jew happened to visit the rich Jew in the city.

The rich Jew invited the poor Jew to the opera, to theaters, and to...

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's wife falls suddenly into a coma and is unresponsive

She is rushed to the hospital where she lies unresponsive for over five days. Her husband, red-eyed and distraught, refuses to sleep or leave her side. He reads to her, talks to her, entreats her, all to no avail.

Finally, in the middle of the sixth night, he reaches out in desperation and g...

A chap Tours a factory that produces latex products.

A chap is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a ...

Did you know that birthdays are actually good for your health?

Studies have shown that a person who has more birthdays live the longest

What movie did you go see?

My parents had great fun teasing each other and yanking each other's chains.

They were visiting me (38m at the time) and my wife+kids, and my Dad & I went out to see a movie. We found Jurassic Park I (in 3D), and went to see that. It was an enjoyable experience.

When we were on o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dentist is terrified of women

A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.

One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe, Bob, and Mike are painters working on a house..

Mike says "I'm going to have a smoke break, I'll be back in a few".

A while later Bob noticed that Mike hasn't come back yet. They wait a bit longer, but still no Mike. They try calling his cell phone, but there's no answer.

The next day he's still a no show. They decide to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My vegetarianism is the same as my heterosexuality

I'll stick by it until I'm shown a good enough sausage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a big fan of the Beatles, in particular Paul McCartney.

I made an account on the official Beatles website and made my profile picture an album of Paul McCartney throughout the years. However an admin told me I was going to be banned, I asked why and was shown the list of rules and the first was "Users are not allowed multipaul accounts."

An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.

First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting.

Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere.

Obviously, he chooses ...

A man and his wife are on a business trip

A man and his wife where on a business trip. It was supposed to only take 1 day, and they expected to be home that night, but it took longer than expected and tired of a long day having a meeting, they decide to stay in a hotel and return the next day.

They slept well and the next morning, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant with a rooster under his arm.

A limousine stops before a restaurant and a well dressed man steps out, with a rooster under his arm.

After he's shown to a private table, he puts the rooster on the table and orders every item on the menu.

Flabbergasted, the waiter asks: "Excuse me sir, but are you sure you want all t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 couples participated in an experiment about orgasms.

Each couple was shown a room with a bed full of sensors. Above the door leading into each room, was a special meter, akin to a speedometer, able to indicate up to 100.

So first round, couples do their routine stuff, and go see their meters. 20, 40, 60. There was a locked door however, the met...

An American man has a heart attack at his home

His wife calls 911 and they send the ambulance over. Ten minutes later, the doctor calls the wife and they ask her to come to the hospital. When she gets there, the doctor has some bad news. "I'm sorry Ma'am, but your husband suddenly had another heart attack and passed. The woman is hysterical. "Ho...

Wonder Woman walks in on Batman and Robin's training session

Batman asks "Have I ever shown you how to do a side-kick?"

Wonder Woman shouts "BATMAN! THAT IS VERY UNPROFESSIONAL!!"

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old joke popular with engineers and other neckbeards

A man dies and surprise! he finds himself in the sky and surrounded by clouds and in front of an old man who asks, ”Heaven or Hell?”

Guy goes, "what kind of question is that?" and the old man sighs and goes, “oh another one. Well allow me to show you and then you can make your decision ...

A Pessimist, an Optimist, and a Literalist go Hunting

An optimist, a pessimist, and a literalist go hunting together. They make camp, and agree that one will go hunting while two stay at camp.

The pessimist asks to go first thinking that there won't be anything to hunt and wants to get it out of the way. They leave camp. Many hours later they re...

A man joins the navy...

As he’s being shown around, the commanding officer tells him that from now on he’ll work in laundry. Thirty minutes later the commanding officer came back and took the recruit to the boiler room, telling him he’ll work there. After another thirty minutes the officer comes back and tells the recruit ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Embed

An embed journalist is taken out to a small army outpost a few miles out of a small village in the middle of the desert, to get a firsthand look at how the soldiers lived.

Upon arrival, he’s given a tour by the NCO. He’s shown the mess hall, the water hole, and his tent. Finally, the NCO lead...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

lucky mailman

after 20 years on the job the local postman is about to retire and on this last scheduled delivery run he finds himself beset with thankful friends and neighbours, all of whom show their appreciation of his years of service. loaded down with gift baskets, wine, flowers and thank you cards he reaches...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The New Gynecologist

One morning, it's time for Karen's yearly checkup on her "lady parts." She drives to the Gynecologist, is shown into an examination room, and prepares for the exam. To her mild upset, her usual Doctor isn't there.

"What happened to Dr. Michaels?"

"I'm sorry to tell you this, Mrs. Lewis...

A man is severely depressed.

Joke:

His wife left him, took the kids and due to all the stress and pressure in his personal life, his work performance took a dive and he was fired. Without a job, he lost his home, his possessions and whatever was left of his dignity and hope. He decided to end his miserable life.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman visits Japan for the first time

A business man visits Japan for the first time.

He checks in to a hotel and is shown around the room. He notices that there is no toilet paper, and asks the hotel porter about it.

Well, says the porter, this is Japan, and our toilets are advanced, all will be handled by the buttons on ...

New Zealand Humor

(Stolen unashamedly from a comment on Quora)

Some years ago the Pope was visiting New Zealand as part of a world tour.

On a day when he had a few hours to spare he asked if he could be shown one of the famous beaches of New Zealand, so his hosts took him to a beautiful, secluded beach ...

Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.

Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

There once was a gal named Lewinsky...

Who played music like a Stravinsky.
"Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef.
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem ...

Three Idiot Detectives

Three idiots were training to become detectives. Their superior decided to test them by having them catch an escaped criminal.

He showed the first idiot a picture of the criminal and asked, “How would you catch this man?”

“That’s easy,” said the first idiot. “He’s only got one eye, so...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.