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Population Jokes

My town's population never changes

Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

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Putin: How much of the Russian population want to kill me?

His advisor: About half.

Putin: Only half? That's a relief. The other half support me, then?

His advisor: The other half want to live long enough to piss on your grave.

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China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor the women are extra fertile.

But their condoms are "Made in China"

[Long] The population of this country is 300 million.

60 million are retired.

That leaves 240 million to do the work.

There are 95 million in school.

Which leaves 145 million to do the work.

Of this there are 22 million employed by the government.

Leaving 123 million to do the work.

61 million are disabled.
...

98% percent of the population is stupid.

Luckily I’m part of the 3%.

The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas.

The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Why does Germany have the biggest population in the European Union?

Because they are GerMANY.

What country's Capital has the fastest growing population in the world?

Ireland. Everyday it's Dublin.

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "what can I do to make Russia great again?"

Stalin replies, "Execute half of your population and paint the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

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"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?"

A friend of ours: "I vould push it three times".

(NSFW) a 1990 Kinsey Institute report states that 5 to 10 percent of the U.S. population engages in sadomasochism at least an occasional basis.

That's a rough estimate

Why is the political discussion in Alabama so respectful among the entire population?

It's all relative.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

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Why does Finland have a problem increasing it's population?

Because the sex haven't even started yet and they are already Finnish

What country has the highest population of fish?

Finland

97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact.

The rest of them are in North America.

Have you heard about that new virus that is devastating the bird population?

It’s called Chirpies.

What’s most heartbreaking about it is that it’s...

untweetable.

Did you know the most tragic event where 1/4 of the human population died?

Apparently, it happened when Abel was murdered.

They say 99% of the population is stupid...

I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!

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No wonder New Zealand's population is so small

They manage to pull out last minute.

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There once was a country with strict population growth rules.

The population was so low, the government had enacted a law that required all couples to have children within 5 years of their marriage. Should a couple fail to produce a child during this period, a government official would be sent to "get the job done".

Such was the situation of a couple, w...

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Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population

#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census

How does a Rastafarian dictatorship disseminate misinformation into its population?

Propaganja.

Do you know what Irish City is seeing the biggest population growth?

It is their capital. It is Dublin (doubling)...

Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb.

Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%.

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

An electrical fault at the zoo saw the entire tortoise population electrocuted.

It was a turtle disaster.

I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe...

It's called ThanOS

Americas covid numbers are only because the population is so dense

There are also a lot of people in certain locations

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why is japans population so old?

the last time they had a little boy it didnt go so well

Did you know that only 75% of the world's population of German Shepherds are classified as K-9s?

The others are German, Shepherds.

Which country's capital has the fastest growing population?

Ireland. Everday it's Dublin.





\*Idk if this has been on here yet. My co worker told me this and I about had a stroke.\*

Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

As the world’s population swelled over the past few decades, Santa’s sleigh got heavier and heavier, requiring more reindeer to pull it.

Santa hired two new reindeer as crew, Lee and Franklin.

As part of their new hire training both Lee and Franklin go through a lot of physical training, navigational training, as well as a list of things that is to be packed on the sleigh.

Franklin is going through the list of banned it...

The frog population in the Okeefenokee Swamp was declining...

Biologists determined it was due to the frogs inability to stay coupled while mating. They contacted an organic chemist at MIT who came up with a solution. He mixed some plasticizers with some adhesive and most importantly one part sodium. The concoction worked perfectly and the swamp was soon re-po...

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

What do you call a headcount of the prison population?

A consensus.

“We’ve divided the population as you’ve requested, Mr. President,” announced the assistant from the doorway, “so we’re just waiting on your final approval for the memory wipe.”

“Wipe the memory of groups 1-8,” replied the president, “leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too.”

“Sir? You want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?”

The presiden...

There are immigrants who had came to America, stolen jobs and murdered the local population

and we call those immigrants the founding fathers

The percent of the population holding anti-vaccination beliefs has gotten up to the mid-teens.

Unlike their children.

Studies suggest that approximately 90% of the world's population is right-handed.

On the other hand, 10% of the world's population is left-handed.

I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics...

But then I came to my census

Ireland's population is out of control

It keeps Dublin and Dublin

What is Alabama's population size?

Family size.

The cattle population is being affected by the pandemic.

They have cowronavirus.

I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white.

Surely we don't need that many guards.

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Despite black people making up only 13% of the population, they make up 50% of...

Captain Americas ^in ^the ^mcu

While only making up only 13 percent of the population

...people who don’t wear their seatbelt make up half of all car accident deaths. Wear your seatbelt.

California scientists are studying the impact of cannabis seeds from the farms will have on the local seabird population

Apparently they are being thorough and are leaving no tern unstoned

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A teacher asked her class, "What is sex?"

Johnny got up and said, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation where a boy sticks his location into a girl's destination to increase the population of the next generation.


"Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?"

I believe Donald Trump can make this country what it once was-

-an arctic region with zero population

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If you can kill 2 birds with one stone, How many can you kill with 5?

Half the fucking population



\#ThanosDidNothingWrong

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A brash American tourist got seated next to a Chinese man in a plane.

Mid flight, the Chinese man ordered for a marmalade sandwich. The American could not contain his curiosity so he struck up a conversation with his seatmate.

"You enjoyin' that sandwich, pal?" he asked

"Yes" politely answered the Chinese man after he took a bite and made a few chews....

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Being Gay

Pro: Reduces the global population

Con: It sure is a pain in the butt

If the human population held hands around the equator...

A significant portion of them would drown

Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half the living population on Earth.

Then I snapped out of it.

Somebody told me there's an invasive species of giant frogs destroying local populations all across North America...

... What a bunch of bull.

Women and Crime...

Despite making up roughly 49% of the population.

Women are responsible for 100% of the crimes in space.

I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol.

And I thought "6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer."

The Russian people were constantly hounding the government to tell them when they would finally reach true communism.

Because of this, the government got the leading scientists to input hundreds of statistics, such as ground fertility, rainfall, public relations, international relations and population into the best computer in Russia. They waited 4 nights for the answer: 23 kilometres. It puzzled the many politicia...

English Weather

I just read something about weather in England:

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._

In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK po...

Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.

For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.

Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases ...

Trump on Day 1

Trump's first day at the Oval Office, after being elected President 🇺🇸

First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:

Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.

CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.

Trump: The Democ...

Health Education

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” = “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

There are two critical factors in the spread of Coronavirus. 1. How dense is the population. 2. How dense is the population.
...

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Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineer's Perspective

Author’s note: All numerical values, calculations and estimates are, of course, indubitably accurate.


The first and foremost thing to take into account to properly begin the proof is the number of children Santa Claus must visit each Christmas. There are approximately two billion children...

If half the population really are introverts...

... why haven't I met any?

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