UPJOKE
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My town's population never changes

Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

[Long] The population of this country is 300 million.

60 million are retired.

That leaves 240 million to do the work.

There are 95 million in school.

Which leaves 145 million to do the work.

Of this there are 22 million employed by the government.

Leaving 123 million to do the work.

61 million are disabled.
...

98% percent of the population is stupid.

Luckily I’m part of the 3%.

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Putin: How much of the Russian population want to kill me?

His advisor: About half.

Putin: Only half? That's a relief. The other half support me, then?

His advisor: The other half want to live long enough to piss on your grave.

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China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor the women are extra fertile.

But their condoms are "Made in China"

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas.

The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.

The population of Ireland's capital is growing exponentially

every year it's Dublin (doubling)

What country's Capital has the fastest growing population in the world?

Ireland. Everyday it's Dublin.

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Why does Finland have a problem increasing it's population?

Because the sex haven't even started yet and they are already Finnish

What country has the highest population of fish?

Finland

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "What should I do to make Russia great again?"

"Execute half the population and paint the Kremlin blue" says Stalin.

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

Why does Germany have the biggest population in the European Union?

Because they are GerMANY.

Why is the political discussion in Alabama so respectful among the entire population?

It's all relative.

How does a Rastafarian dictatorship disseminate misinformation into its population?

Propaganja.

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why is japans population so old?

the last time they had a little boy it didnt go so well

What is Alabama's population size?

Family size.

Which country's capital has the fastest growing population?

Ireland. Everday it's Dublin.





\*Idk if this has been on here yet. My co worker told me this and I about had a stroke.\*

97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact.

The rest of them are in North America.

Did you know the most tragic event where 1/4 of the human population died?

Apparently, it happened when Abel was murdered.

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Over half the population these days enjoy meat substitutes

Or, as they’re also called, dildos

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No wonder New Zealand's population is so small

They manage to pull out last minute.

They say 99% of the population is stupid...

I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!

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There once was a country with strict population growth rules.

The population was so low, the government had enacted a law that required all couples to have children within 5 years of their marriage. Should a couple fail to produce a child during this period, a government official would be sent to "get the job done".

Such was the situation of a couple, w...

Population Growth

A small town with a high birth rate attracted the attention of a team of university sociologists. They wrote a grant proposal, got a chunk of money, hired aides and an anthropologist, found a family planning and birth control specialist, moved to town, rented offices, set up their computers, and des...

What do you call a headcount of the prison population?

A consensus.

Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb.

Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%.

If the human population held hands around the equator...

A significant portion of them would drown

Have you heard about that new virus that is devastating the bird population?

It’s called Chirpies.

What’s most heartbreaking about it is that it’s...

untweetable.

I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe...

It's called ThanOS

The frog population in the Okeefenokee Swamp was declining...

Biologists determined it was due to the frogs inability to stay coupled while mating. They contacted an organic chemist at MIT who came up with a solution. He mixed some plasticizers with some adhesive and most importantly one part sodium. The concoction worked perfectly and the swamp was soon re-po...

Do you know what Irish City is seeing the biggest population growth?

It is their capital. It is Dublin (doubling)...

What is the population of Brazil?

I’d say about a Brazilian people or so

The cattle population is being affected by the pandemic.

They have cowronavirus.

An electrical fault at the zoo saw the entire tortoise population electrocuted.

It was a turtle disaster.

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Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population

#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census

“Isn’t all contemporary fiction just a retelling of older stories, arranged in such a way as to appeal to the broadest population, given their familiarity with technological advancements that would seem magical to authors of earlier ages….

…” I asked the chicken as we both stood on the sidewalk. It suddenly and without comment walked across the road.

“Hey,” I called after the chicken, “why’d you do that?!”

If half the population really are introverts...

... why haven't I met any?

(NSFW) a 1990 Kinsey Institute report states that 5 to 10 percent of the U.S. population engages in sadomasochism at least an occasional basis.

That's a rough estimate

Americas covid numbers are only because the population is so dense

There are also a lot of people in certain locations

Which city has the largest population?

Density.

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Since self quarantine, masturbation has doubled among the population...

You know what they say desperate times call for desperate pleasures...

I read that 70% of Earth's population are stupid

Good thing I'm one of the other 40% !

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Easily accessible porn is causing increased cases of erectile dysfunction in younger populations...

Its a growing problem.

I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics...

But then I came to my census

Studies suggest that approximately 90% of the world's population is right-handed.

On the other hand, 10% of the world's population is left-handed.

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white.

Surely we don't need that many guards.

What can solve over population and world hunger at the same time?

Cannibalism

What nation has caused the largest population growth since 1970?

Insemination.

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The reasoning behind both Japan's aging population and healthy lifestyle

A long-running fear of another Fat Man and Little Boy

The population of South America is huge!

It's gotta be like at *least* a Brazilian!

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Despite black people making up only 13% of the population, they make up 50% of...

Captain Americas ^in ^the ^mcu

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I was worried about the population problem

But then I realized we just shouldn't give a fuck.

There are immigrants who came to America and murdered the local population and stole jobs

and we call those immigrants the founding fathers.

It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half the living population on Earth.

Then I snapped out of it.

As the world’s population swelled over the past few decades, Santa’s sleigh got heavier and heavier, requiring more reindeer to pull it.

Santa hired two new reindeer as crew, Lee and Franklin.

As part of their new hire training both Lee and Franklin go through a lot of physical training, navigational training, as well as a list of things that is to be packed on the sleigh.

Franklin is going through the list of banned it...

Ever wondered why china has over 1 billion population?

Cause the condom they use is "Made in china"

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

California scientists are studying the impact of cannabis seeds from the farms will have on the local seabird population

Apparently they are being thorough and are leaving no tern unstoned

I was never recognized for my architectural talents until I built a new temple for the local Muslim population.

Nobody cared who I was until I put up the Mosque.

The percent of the population holding anti-vaccination beliefs has gotten up to the mid-teens.

Unlike their children.

Why the population in India is exploding these days?

Because everyone over there is doing IT!

Welcome to Skagway where the population always remains the same.

Every time a child is born, a man leaves town.

Only 1% of population uses the labels on clothes to check washing method

The remaining 99% believes that the label is to see where the back side is.

I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol.

And I thought "6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer."

Somebody told me there's an invasive species of giant frogs destroying local populations all across North America...

... What a bunch of bull.

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"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?"

A friend of ours: "I vould push it three times".

Growing up, it always my childhood dream to study populations...

...then I came to my census

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I want to start a political party called the People of our Population....

..... I know it would be the POOP but it would be better than the shit we have to deal with now.

A government run initiative to restore the male geese population is getting a lot of media attention...

Critics are referring to it as proper gander.

Now I understand why the British population was on a steady decline these past few years...

Brits are really good at pulling out.

“We’ve divided the population as you’ve requested, Mr. President,” announced the assistant from the doorway, “so we’re just waiting on your final approval for the memory wipe.”

“Wipe the memory of groups 1-8,” replied the president, “leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too.”

“Sir? You want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?”

The presiden...

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

Why, with twice the population of the United States at the time didn't China invent the airplane first?

Well, two Wongs don't make a Wright.

So I just heard there is a disease killing off the Alligator population in Florida.

They all got Gatorades.

A scientist discovers the cure for aging

In the near future, a scientist makes the revolutionary discovery of a cure for aging. Filled with enthusiasm, he is immediately prompted to the political leaders of his country.

'This is truly amazing, Dr Smith! But before we can finally authorize the distribution of your medicine to the gen...

How many population geneticists does it take to change a light bulb?

It's independent of population size.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

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