This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Recently applied to a job as a back-end developer and they asked for some samples of my work.

For some reason, they were not pleased with the album of ass-pics from my previous clients.

Samples for the doctor

An elderly man went to see the doctor, accompanied by his wife, as he was somewhat deaf.

Doctor: I'm going to need a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample. Please pass them to the nurse when done.

Husband: What did the doctor say?

Wife: Give your underwear to the nurse...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

An elementary school teacher was handing out samples of deer jerky to anyone who wanted to try it.

It was part of the lesson about pioneer days and she hadn't yet told them what kind of meat it was.


She was giving clues to help the students. "I'm sure all of you have seen one as there are a lot of them around here". No response.

"The males often clash to prove who is toughest". ...

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

Remember to NEVER taste-test liquid samples on the job!

Anyways, thank you for listening for my story on how I lost my job at the hydrochloric acid processing plant.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Elbow

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drugstore that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose you...

2 masochists went to a BDSM convention

The convention was doing a special showcase of some dominatrixes who were considered the best at their job, they were all on separate booths where they would give out free samples and show off their techniques.

On the first day the more experienced masochist wanted to go to the woman with th...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples.

So I guess I lost that pissing contest

A man walked by a stand giving away free samples of fruit punch. He saw that the line was too long so he came back an hour later and guess what he saw!

There’s no punchline

Why couldn't the detective solve the Alabama murder case despite having the dna samples

It matched with everyone

Trying to create a decent graph of my data but some mystery guy keeps adding more samples to it.

The plot thickens.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I admire people who analyze stool samples

They really know their shit.

Costco is like my ex

Cheap and giving free samples to everyone

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone!

The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit.

Where did the librarian keep all his fecal samples?

In the scatalogue.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Place urine sample here for diagnosis. [Long Joke]

A man walks into a doctor's surgery with a sore elbow. The receptionist tells him there is a one hour wait, so he sits down in the waiting area and starts looking around sheepishly and wondering whether his minor problem is worth such a wait for a diagnosis.

In the corner of the room he notic...

The doctor shakes his head and tells the man, "I have no idea what's wrong with you. I'll need a urine specimen, plus sperm and stool samples."

The guy says, "I'm kind of in a hurry. Can I just leave you my shorts?"

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A Kindergarten teacher brings her class varies samples of meat...

She passes the first sample out, the students eat it, and asks, "Does anyone know what that was?"
She chooses a student and he says that it's steak.
"Good!" She passes out the second sample and asks if they know what it was.
A student yells, "It's chicken!" "Good, very good."
Sh...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Wrong bank

A man walks into a sperm bank with a ski mask and a .45 pointed at the woman behind the counter."Open the safe " .The woman pleads "Sir is not that kind of Bank". "Open the safe and remove the contents" . She removed a test tube tray full of sperm samples. The man puts the gun in the woman's face an...

An old guy was supposed to submit samples for his sperm count...

...but returned the jar empty. When asked why, he said: "I tried one hand, then two, then I asked my maid to help. She used her hands, her mouth, even her thighs, but nothing! I even asked the gardener. Even the neighbor! Even the neighbor's gardener! But no one could open the damn jar!"

(Fou...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

The doctor told me he needs blood, urine, stool, and semen samples.

I handed him my underwear.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Dr. Visit

An old man goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the old man is hard of hearing.

After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "I need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."

The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor an...

I just got off my shift working on a drilling rig

that is taking core samples looking for gold. My family is out of town right now, so I came home, showered and decided that I would, all by my lonesome, go trick-or-treating.

I'll be dressed up as an unaccompanied miner.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

The local furniture store sells stools

I checked out one of their samples and I was unimpressed. It looked like a piece of shit.

Scientists analysed sweat samples of 100 regular KFC visitors.

11 secrete herbs and spices

SAMPLES

An older man is having a tough time hearing and decides to do something about it. He makes a doctor appointment and takes his wife along. The doctor looks the man over and says, "Well, this is a common problem for a man your age. I'd like to see a urine sample, fecal sample and a sperm sample." The ...

What do Paint Samples and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both come in little white cans...

I used to think I could draw conclusions from small samples...

...after only a few statistics classes, I realized I couldn't.

Every statistics professor I've had has told me to disregard trends in small samples, but I haven't taken that many classes so I can't be sure.

Bob is retiring

After 40 years of balancing our company's chequebooks and working his way up the corporate ladder to CFO, it was finally time for Bob to retire. Everybody loved Bob, so we wanted to make his retirement party special.

Bob was a bit of a wine connoisseur, so we needed to find him a great bottle...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A truck carrying semen samples got into an accident...

and lost it's load

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.