An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me.

Its felt like a sine from God

I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide

So near, and yet sofa

Circle measurements.

Now that's rad.

How long does it take someone who doesn't understand astronomical measurements to change a lightbulb?

A lightyear

Why is Mike Tyson so interested in measurements in precision machining?

It's in tenths

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After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

I have a friend who's really into measurements.

You guys really should meter.

Which is heavier, a kilogram of steel or a kilogram of feathers?

The answer is that its a trick question because I am American and don’t use those measurements

we should stop making fun of the Americans for using inches, foot, miles, etc as units of measurements.

it's not like they crashed a rocket into Mars because of this or something... oh wait...

If I had a pound for every time I got confused by measurements.

I’d have 454 grams by now.

Why are other measurements afraid of 0° Kelvin?

Because it's an absolute unit.

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Measurements

A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill." To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape...

Yo momma

Yo momma's so fat, her measurements are 36-24-26, and that's just her left arm.

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

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A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

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