If I had a pound for every time I got confused by measurements.

I’d have 454 grams by now.

Jesus got his body measurements for his crucifixion...

Call that CrossFit.

Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

I have a friend who's really into measurements.

You guys really should meter.

Why are other measurements afraid of 0° Kelvin?

Because it's an absolute unit.

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

we should stop making fun of the Americans for using inches, foot, miles, etc as units of measurements.

it's not like they crashed a rocket into Mars because of this or something... oh wait...

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Measurements

A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill." To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape...

A chemist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, looking out of the window.

They all watch three people walk into a house across the road. After 20 minutes, only two people leave the same house.

The scientists are very confused about what has happened.

'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist,...

Buzzfeed did a top 10 list of power measurements

You'll never believe Watt's number 6

Who's in charge of all the liquid measurements?

The liter.

A man had excruciating headaches

So he decided once and for all to go see a specialist to see what can be done.

After extensive scans and tests the doctor calls him in and gives him the bad news.

"I'm very sorry sir, you have a very rare case in which your nuts press up against the base of your spine which, in turn,...

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”



The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”...

They always tell me, "Measure twice. Cut once"...

...but they never say which of the two measurements I should use to cut by.

I,m 6 feet 3 inches

But those two measurements are separate.

I'm 6'3

But those are 2 different measurements

I'm 6'1"

That's two measurements.

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The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around

so they wanted to get rid of some of them. To go about this, they decided to offer $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body that they wanted measured. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from the top of his head to his toes. He was 69 inches, so he received...

Archaeologists in Rome have recently come across the remains of Brutus.

After some careful measurements, they've found that his height was quite astonishing - he was 98 inches tall!

Caesar even once said to him, "*8' 2", Brute?*"

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Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to ...

Units.

A science teacher is quizzing the class on various units and measurements.

What is the unit of volume?

Liters.


What is the unit of mass?

Kilograms.


What is the unit of distance?

Meters.


What is the unit of power?

Yes.

(I know...

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A little old lady calls a carpet installation company to redo her living room carpeting...

Mitch arrives, takes measurements and begins work. He pulls out the old carpeting, sands the floor down and lays in the new carpet. It takes all day.

When he's finally done he notices a small lump under the carpet in one corner of the floor. "Ah, fuck. What the hell is this now?" he says. He...

It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, a...

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

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At the Pentagon three ex-military men.......

Are given cash for any measurement on their body. For every inch, they got 1,000 dollars. One says “ Measure from the tip of my middle finger on my left hand to the middle finger on my right hand.” The measurement was 48 inches so he got 48,000 dollars. The next one says “Measure from my head to my ...

An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview

The interviewer asked, what’s 1 + 1.

The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. “It appears that 1 + 1 is 2”.

The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says “according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2”.

The accountant takes out his book and calcul...

Dwarf walks into a tavern and says "Ladies, I am 4'11''

..and those are two different measurements!"

Well my son is...

A few Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter Square, Rome. The first Catholic man tells his friends,
“My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people ...

An engineer, a physicist, and an accountant were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with: “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was interviewed next, a...

Hey ladies. I'm six foot, four inches.

Unfortunately, those are two different measurements.

I dated a greek girl during my latest archeology expedition

Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC

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[Long]A man is having terrible headaches

So a man is having terrible headaches. These have been going on for years –and they just keep getting worse. When the headaches strike the poor man can’t work, he can’t sleep, he can’t bare light or sounds or even touch. The poor guy sees doctor after doctor and tries every therapy from yoga to pres...

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Headaches

One day a man starts having terrible headaches. Everywhere he goes his head hurts, so he decides to go to the doctor to figure out the problem.

The doctor does a routine exam and can't figure out the source, so they decide to do a CAT scan and MRI. After the procedures, the doctor finds the ...

So the army is forced to cut the pensions of some of their veterans...

In order to repay the veterans for their service they bring in three veterans. They tell the three that they will be reimbursed in money, in that each one can choose two points of their body, and the distance between the two will be how much money they receive.
Anyway, the first man goes and says...

A Chemist, a Biologist, and a Mathematician are all sitting at an outdoor cafe...

A chemist, a biologist, and a mathematician are all sitting at an outdoor cafe. Across the street is an old, abandoned house. As they sit, they watch two people go into the house. A short while later, three come out.
The chemist says: "the measurements were wrong."
The biologist says: "the...

A Chemist, a Biologist, and a Mathematician...

Were sitting on a bench in front of a hotel, and see two people enter, then three people exit. The Chemist claims that they must have been an error in the initial measurements, the biologist says they must have procreated, thus creating another person, the mathematician states that if one more perso...

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A pygmy wants to be popular

However, among his tribe, he's nothing special. He's pretty small despite his 18 years of age, he's not particularly attractive and he's a bit shy. Then, it occurs to him. He writes a letter to the Guinness Book of World Records, claiming that he has the smallest hands of any adult in the world. He ...

A farmer wants to a have new chicken coop built...

so he decides to hire a mathematician to figure out the most efficient way to design it. The mathematician spends hours walking around the farm, taking measurements, counting chickens, making notes, and finishes his work by standing in one spot looking up at the sky for a solid hour, just thinking.<...

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Just takes one time...

A couple walk into a bar, sit down and order a drink. Next to them is an obviously inebriated older guy just sippin' his drink staring at nothing in particular.

"You see that door over there?" He grumbles to no one in particular, "I framed that door. Did the measurements myself, put it up an...

A businessman went to a golf club.

A businessman went to a golf club he frequented every weekend. When he tried to hire a caddy, the manager told him that they no longer had any to hire.

"Well then," said the man, "What am I supposed to do without a caddy?"

The manager politely informed him that all of the caddies had b...

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A man and his makeshift turban go to see the doctor

"What seems to be the problem?"

The man slowly unravels his makeshif turban to reveal... a fully grown phallus growing out of the middle of his forehead.

"Ahem, how long has this being going on for Sir?"

"It's been growing for around 3 months. Can you fix it Doctor? What on Ea...

A physicist, a biologist, a programmer, and a mathematician ....

are sitting at a café across from an empty building.

They observe two people enter and then, later, three leave.

The physicist says, "Apparently there was some error with our measurements."

The biologist says, "Obviously, they reproduced while in the building."

The math...

A physicist, a biologist, a mathematician, and a computer scientist are drinking coffee...

Over the course of the day they see two people enter a building across the street and three people exit. They all seem perplexed about this occurrence. The physicist says, "There must have been some error in our measurements!" The biologist replies, "The two must have reproduced!" The mathematician ...

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