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Measurements Jokes

Circle measurements.

Now that's rad.

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Measurements

A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill." To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape...

An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me.

Its felt like a sine from God

I have a friend who's really into measurements.

You guys really should meter.

Why are other measurements afraid of 0° Kelvin?

Because it's an absolute unit.

Why is Mike Tyson so interested in measurements in precision machining?

It's in tenths

How long does it take someone who doesn't understand astronomical measurements to change a lightbulb?

A lightyear

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The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around

so they wanted to get rid of some of them. To go about this, they decided to offer $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body that they wanted measured. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from the top of his head to his toes. He was 69 inches, so he received...

I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide

So near, and yet sofa

A man comes to a tailor to make a suit.

He brings his own fabric. The tailor takes the measurements, checks the fabric and says "sorry, that fabric is not enough for a suit".

The man leaves, decides to get a second opinion. He goes to another tailor. That tailor takes the measurements, and tells the man to come in two weeks.
...

Who's in charge of all the liquid measurements?

The liter.

we should stop making fun of the Americans for using inches, foot, miles, etc as units of measurements.

it's not like they crashed a rocket into Mars because of this or something... oh wait...

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