UPJOKE
parlourroomfront roomliving roomsalonbathhousereception roomhomeabodesitting roomouthousepatiobingohallwayfoyer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I go to a tattoo parlor and try to pay them with a bird

Would that be a Tit for a Tat?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to a tattoo parlor...

The artist asked, "What would you like your tattoo to be?"

"Well, I was hoping to get 'Wendy' , that's my wife's name, " The man answers.

"Alright, and where do you want it?"

The man says, "I would like it on my penis."

"Alright. One thing; it'll say 'Wendy' on it w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

Little Johnny strikes again



### Teacher: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?

### Little Johnny: None.

### Teacher: Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?

### Little Johnny: None!

### Teacher: Can you explain...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Will you walk into my parlor", said the spider to the fly.

To which the fly replied, "Holy shit, a talking spider!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man keeps telling his wife “ Honey , you have such a

"Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo...

I always wait a couple of weeks after a new massage parlor opens before letting them touch me.

Gotta let them work the kinks out.

A little old man goes to the ice cream parlor.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

A young boy enters a barber shop.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm thinking of opening a tattoo parlor where women flash their breasts for free tattoos.

Call it..."tit for tat".

I got fired from my job at the funeral parlor.

My boss thought "smoking or non smoking?" was an inappropriate way to ask if they wanted cremation.

A man got this text message from his neighbor...

“Sir, I am so sorry but I have this confession to make. I have been sharing your wife with you behind your back, day and night and mostly when you are not in town. I have used your wife in my bedroom, kitchen, parlor and also in your own apartment right under your nose. I also have to admit that I u...

Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor

and asks "what flavors do you have?"

The attendant says "over there on the signs on the wall, you'll see them all"

Clients goes "Ehm, well I'll have a cone with two scoops of *Mondays Closed*."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly lady walks into an ice cream parlor.

She says to the man behind the counter, "what flavors of ice cream do you have?"

"They're listed on the sign. We have chocolate and vanilla," he answers.

"I'll have a scoop of the strawberry," she says.

"We don't have strawberry," answers the man.

"Well, then, I'll have s...

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Gary went into the local tattoo parlor with a somewhat odd request.

He had this great new girlfriend named Wendy , he explained , and while their sex life was dynamite , he was sure it would be even better if he had her name tattooed on his prick . The tattoo artist did her best to dissuade him , pointing out that it would be very painful and that most of the time t...

The ice cream parlor asks for my order

Parlor: "Hello Sir, can I take your order?"

Me: "Yes, I'd like a male hot fudge sundae please."

Parlor: "I'm sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?"

Me: "Yes, with nuts".

What does going to the massage parlor and watching a Hallmark Channel movie have in common?

You always know you’re getting a happy ending.

My friends and I went drinking last weekend

This wasn't casual drinking, we got absolutely wasted. I still have a little bit of a headache from the hangover. I don't remember a lot from the night, but I do remember multiple dares, and a bet about who could drink the most without blacking out. I don't remember what placement I got, but I do kn...

What’s the difference between a bar and a massage parlor?

At a bar, the nuts are free.

went to a temporary tatoo parlor

it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain but the shop was gone.

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and said, "Can you do a tattoo of a turkey on my right inner thigh and one of a Christmas tree on my left inner thigh?"

"Sure,* the tattoo artist said. "But if you
don't mind me asking, why did you choose
those two designs?"
The lady smiled. "My husband' she explained. "He says there's never anything to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this girls comes into my tattoo parlor begging to get live laugh love tattooed on her back

Normally I'd say no but she was pretty hot. Next she says she doesn't have any money.

Her: "I can pay you with my watch?"

Me: "I don't want your fake Rolex. Tell you what. I'll tattoo you if you show me your titties."

Her: "What? No way! I'm not showing you my tits. Ask for some...

A man goes into a Massage Parlor for his first Thai Massage

He's a little nervous because he's never gotten one before.

Before they start the woman asks him if he has any questions.

He says, "What should I expect?"

She replies, "Well you'll wear loose, comfortable clothing and lie on a mat. Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotio...

There's an upcoming show featuring the woman from Tiger King and Batman's sidekick, going around and reviewing ice cream parlors

Carole Baskin And Robin's

I'm going to make an all male massage parlor.

I'll call it The Massagynist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Turned on at the massage parlor.

I finally decided to get a massage last week at a parlor from a gentleman named Alex.

I’m a guy myself but heard he was the best.

Halfway through it was feeling good and I asked him, “Is it normal to get a boner during a massage?”

Alex said, “Yes, happens all the time.”
...

Did you hear about that tattoo parlor that charges its patrons by letting the owner cop a feel?

It’s called Tit-For-Tat

A young boy walks into an ice-cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.

In disbelief the cashier asked him to repeat his order.

“I want 12 scoops of ice cream sir”

Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.

But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question<...

A woman goes to a tattoo parlor to get her two favorite musicians on her inner thighs...

The tattoo artist finishes up and she is ELATED to see a picture-perfect tattoo of John Lennon on her left inner-thigh and Paul McCartney on her right.

As she walks out, she is so excited to share her new artwork that she goes up to the first person she sees; an old, homeless, wino sitting in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kowalski goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream..

”I’m sorry, sir,” says the clerk, ”but we are out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”in that case I will take some chocolate.”

”No, no, sir,” says the clerk, ”you don’t understand. We have run out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”then, just give me some chocolate.”
...

I knew a successful businessman who decided to shut down everything and run a funeral parlor.

It was quite the undertaking.

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza parlor...

He says, "Make me one with everything."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending...

A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending.

He goes inside and meets with his massage therapist, a middle-aged Asian woman who is not wholly unattractive. She takes him into the room, lights a few candles and leaves the room so he can undress. He does so and lies down on the ta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy walks into an ice cream parlor....

The kid strolls up the counter, and the employee asks the lad....

"What flavor would you like?"

He looks over the list of flavors, and after a brief moment he says...

"Chocolate!"

With a sad face, the employee looks down to the boy and says... "I'm sorry, we're all out ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde goes to an ice cream parlor

A blonde goes into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the man at the counter and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream, please."

"I'm sorry, madam," says the man, "but I'm afraid we're out of chocolate."

"Oh," says the blonde. "In that case I'll have some chocolate."

So the...

A man's father dies...

After the funeral and burial he wrote a check to pay for the entire service.

A month later he received a letter from the funeral parlor. He opened it and saw it was a bill for a hundred dollars.

They must have overlooked some detail he thought so he wrote a check and sent it back to th...

I went to a Jewish massage parlor and asked my masseuse for a happy ending.

So she gave me a 10% discount off my visit.

Lady walks into a tattoo parlor.

She tells the guy she wants Thanksgiving tattooed on one thigh and Christmas on the other. The guy asks "why do you want that?". She tells him "Well, my husband always complains there's nothing good to eat between those holidays."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chocolate

An older woman is going to the ice cream parlor to order gallons of ice cream for her self. When she arrives, the man at the counter greets her and asks her what ice cream she would like.

So she asks "I would like a gallon of vanilla, strawberry, sherbert, and Chocolate."

The gentlema...

I asked the owner of a bondage parlor if I can have a tour of the place...

...He said he was tied up at the moment. He had to show the new girl the ropes.

There is a possessed bike that keeps riding over animals and then going to the beauty parlor over and over again.

It’s a pretty vicious cycle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stripper walks into a tattoo parlor...

...And asks the guy if he’ll go tit-for-tat.

Smart kid

A young, attractive first-year teacher was standing at the front of her class presenting a lesson to her fifth graders when she noticed Mikey wasn't paying attention. In an effort to engage him, she called on him and asked him a simple math question, "If there are three rabbits in the yard and you s...

Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors.

But sometimes they come in handy.

Wife : i just came from beauty parlor

Husband: was it closed again?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you clear out a Japanese bingo parlor?

B-29

Want to know how to clear out an Iranian bingo parlor?

B... 52

Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident...

This isn't the first time he got off...

Did you hear about that shady massage parlor run by bears?

Yeah, turns out it was just a front for honey laundering

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jamaican man

Once an English man went to Jamaica. He was using the urinal and saw a Jamaican man. He saw the tattoo of initial W A on the Jamaican man's penis and was a bit jealous. He went to a tattoo parlor and got himself a tattoo on his penis. The next day, he met the same Jamaican man and proudly prompted, ...

When it comes to massage parlors

Some customers are a handful.

One spent hours in the parlor attempting to construct a humorous witticism to make light of one's impotence.

But sadly one never came.

One of those seedy massage parlors opened up across my kid’s school.

After couple of months of outrage and protesting. We finally did it and closed that school down.

I know what you’re thinking, finally a happy ending OC joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm planning to open a tattoo parlor

Where all women will get free tattoos in exchange for showing me their boobs. I'm gonna call it 'Tit for Tat'

A physicist walks in to an ice cream parlor...

... sits down and orders himself an ice cream and also a second ice cream that then offers to the empty stool next to him. He does this every day for about a week. Finally, the owner comes up to him and asks,
"Good afternoon. We were all wondering what's the deal with you ordering the second i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going home from the pub

Joseph and Diarmid are drinking in a pub having a fine old time when the proprietor calls for last round.

Joseph looks up and says. "Well, I'll be havin a last Guiness and then I'll sneak home."

"Sneak home?" Asks Diarmid. "What are you on about?"

"Well, you know how it go...

The lovers in the ice cream parlor

I came up with this joke years ago. I rarely had the oppertunity to tell it.

There was a couple of lovers who had a day off work so they went to their favorite ice cream parlor. The boyfriend wasn't that into ice cream but it was the girlfriend's favorite treat, so he always had what she had....

A guy visits a tattoo parlor

and asks for a tally mark.

He comes in every couple of weeks ans always asks for another tally until the tattoo artist asks him what's he counting.

"Oh nothing, just how many tattoos I've got."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a Turkey and a Pine Tree on her inner thighs...

The artist says, "I'll do it, lady, but I gotta know: why the hell would you want those tatted on either side?"

She says, "Because I'm fucking sick of hearing my husband tell me that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Woman Walks Into a Tattoo Parlor…

She says to the tattoo artist "My husband's nickname for me is Butter Buns, so I want the letter 'B' to be tattooed on each of my butt cheeks"

Later that night, she strips and bends over for her husband to show him the tattoo.

“Look Honey, I got a new tattoo today!”

He says, “Bo...

What did Mike Wazowski call his tattoo parlor?

Monster's Ink.

A burly man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for another tally mark tattoo

The tattoo artist, a bit worried, asks what all the growing number of tally marks is keeping a record of. The burly man gruffs:

"The number of tattoos I've gotten"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest goes into a tattoo parlor (NSFW)

And says that he wants to get a tattoo of a fish on his penis. The tattoo artist is taken aback, but agrees to do the tattoo. When the tattoo artist is almost done, he says to the priest, "Father, I'm sorry, I just have to ask- why a tattoo of a fish on your penis??"

The priest calmly rep...

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor...

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and asked to have her favorite two country stars tattooed on her thighs. “I want Elvis’ face right her on this thigh, and Johnny Cash’s face on the other one.” After the work was done, she walked out onto the sidewalk and stopped the first man she saw – a fellow st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Ice Cream Parlor

A woman walks into an ice cream parlor just before it closes. The employee behind the counter asks if he can help her and she replies, "Yes, I would like a chocolate ice cream cone, please."

"I'm sorry," the employee replied, "we just ran out of chocolate ice cream. Can I get you something el...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Michael J Fox walks into an ice cream parlor...

He asks the clerk for an ice cream cone. The clerk says "sure what flavor?" Michael J Fox says " it doesn't matter, I'm just gonna fucking drop it anyway"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was at a massage parlor...

During the "happy ending" the lady kept saying

"Wow, your dick is sooooo huge, its the biggest I've ever felt!"

I told her "I appreciate it, miss, but we both know you are just pulling my leg"

A Chinese funeral parlor opened in my town.

It's called "Can you Bereave It"

I got great life advice from the old asian lady at the massage parlor

"If you want Happy Ending, don't pick young pretty girl."

I can't stand those 'happy ending' massage parlors

Those places just rub me the wrong way

I went to a massage parlor today...

When it was time for the happy ending, I finished in 20 seconds. The massause said I need to come more often.

I got kicked out of a massage parlor the other day.

Apparently the prostate isn't considered "deep tissue."

An older, heavyset lady walks into a tattoo parlor.

She tells the artist that she wants Roy Orbison on the inside of her left thigh and Johnny Cash on the inside of her right thigh. After 4 painful hours, the artist rolls his chair back looking satisfied. She looks down and tells the artist that they just don't look right to her.

The artist g...

With all the NSFW jokes here lately, we could use a nice clean joke

A pharmaceutical salesman was staying at a bed and breakfast in a small town while on a business trip. The B&B was run by a kindly old gentleman and advertised three square "southern" meals a day and a relaxing country feel.

While the salesman was eating his breakfast, he noticed what app...

Mrs. BB King

BB King's wife decided she was going to do something special for BB's birthday and after thinking about it for a while, she goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the tattooist, "I want a nice big 'B' on each asscheek."

The tattoo artist says, "I'm usually not one to question but, that's kinda out...

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

A man and his wife go on a vacation

Days pass until unfortunately, the wife dies.


At the funeral parlor, the undertaker approaches the man and after offering his condolences, says

'We have a wide range of services. We can bury your wife in a coffin like Christians, we can have a cremation like indians, mummification ...

The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven", she replies.

The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she’s right!"

"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.

"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.

The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s a little boy’s seventh birthday.

For his birthday, his parents buy him a really superb cowboy outfit. I mean, it’s got everything: the boots, the spurs, the tiny plastic revolvers. The boy is thrilled; he doesn’t take the outfit off all day.

That evening, the little boy’s parents take him out to an ice cream parlor for a ...

Boris turns to his friend Sergei and says, “I see you have been doing the Instagram and Twitters.”

Yes, I’ve gotten quite good. I am what you call a Socialist, no?” Replies Sergei.
“Sergei no, no. That is not Socialist. Soci-“
Sergei interrupted “Yes I am going professional on social media’s. I am Socialist.”
“Yes, your on the Twitter and Instagrams.” Reassured Boris.
Yes, Sergei nodd...

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...

I like the way you are thinking

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A penguins car breaks down

Okay so this penguins car breaks down in an area hes unfamiliar with


Penguin gets his car towed to the nearest shop. He asks the mechanic how long it should take. The mechanic says probably a few hours. The penguin asks if there's anything around he can do while he waits


Now, t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

Tattoo

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tat...

Did you hear about who went to DMX’s funeral?

There was Brenda, LaTisha (uh), Linda, Felicia (okay)
Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia (ooh)
Theresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki (uh-huh)
Lisa, Veronica, Karen, Vicky (damn)
Cookie, well I met her in a ice cream parlor (aight?)
Tonya, Dianne, Lori and Carla (okay)
Marina (uh) Selena (uh...

Poor old Paddy had died. (NSFW)

Paddy had dropped over from a heart attack! After the funeral, one of his widow's friends dropped by to see how she was holding up. The mostly sat in the parlor and chatted, but the smell of something cooking aroused the friend's curiosity, so she wandered over to the stove and lifted the lid on t...

Good ole little Johnny was sitting in class

The teacher drew a line with three birds on it up on the blackboard.



"Ok, class, there are three birds on a wire, if one of the birds falls off, how many birds are left?"



As she erases one of the birds on the blackboard, little Susie in the front row raises her hand and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Onion-Flavored Ice Cream

One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter "Do you have onion-flavored ice cream?"

The guy says, "No, we don't have onion-flavored ice cream."
So the kid says, "Ok" and leaves.

The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beautiful But

A lady goes to a tattoo parlor to get Beautiful Butt tattooed on her behind in large letters because her husband keeps telling her what a Beautiful Butt she has. The tattoo artist convinces her that Beautiful Butt in large letters may not look to good with a big crack going down through the middle ...

A walruses car broke down.

While waiting for the mechanic to troubleshoot the problem he decided to walk to the ice cream parlor. He ordered a vanilla ice cream cone and ate it while walking back to the car shop. As he finished the last bite he realized he forgot to grab a napkin. As he desperately tried to clean his very sti...

I like the way you're thinking.

Teacher: 3 birds are sitting on top of a roof and someone throws a rock and hits one off. How many birds are left?
Student: There are none left because the other two fly away whenever the other one is hit.
Teacher: Well actually there's still two left but I like the way you're thinking.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW The wax job

A trucker sees a Japanese massage parlor and decides to partake of the services.

He goes inside, pays $40 and they give him a perfectly ordinary massage.

He protests "Hey, wait a minute! Haven't you got something else? Something a little 'special'?"

The cute Japanese gi...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.