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Parlour Jokes

A young widow goes to the funeral parlour to plan her husband's funeral

She met with the mortician who asked her how she wants the body dressed.

"He always looked so good in blue. I want him to be buried in a blue suit."

This posed a problem as he had been delivered to the funeral parlour in the black suit he was wearing when he died. However, the wife was...

Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.

But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

Wife: I've just been back to the beauty parlour.

Husband: Was it closed?

My wife comes from from the tattoo parlour

She has a tattoo right on her left nipple


I ask her why, and she replies with,


"tat for tit"

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A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.

It’s their Tit for Tat special.

Once I went to a tattoo Parlour that said temporary tattoo Parlour.

So, I got one tattoo.
The next day it didn't go when I washed it.
When I went to the tattoo Parlour again, that the tattoo wasn't temporary after all, the shop wasn't there.

An SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, cafe, beer parlour

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A man walks in to an ice cream parlour

He notices a sign on the wall that states "we can make any flavour you can imagine" he decides to challenge them and asks "can you make pussy flavour?", the assistant replies "sure, give me a few minutes" and starts mixing all the different flavours together to get it perfect, he hands the ice cream...

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A woman walks into an ice cream parlour

A woman walks into an ice cream parlour and askes for a scoop of chocolate ice cream. "Im sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream" "Ok. Then I guess I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream." "Sorry. But we dont have any more chocolate ice cream." "Alright. Then can I have a quart of choco...

A man has been found dead at the pizza parlour

He was covered in ham, pineapple, onions, mushrooms, bell pepper, ground beef, pepperoni and four cheeses.

Police are saying he topped himself.

I went to a German massage parlour earlier

Whole experience was pretty hans on

Woman gets a tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She
also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instruc...

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A boy walks into an ice-cream parlour.

The cashier says "Hello! What can I get you?"

The boy replies "Ummm...may I please have some Jelly Tip?"

"I'm sorry, but we ran out of Jelly Tip. Is there something else you would like? Maybe chocolate?" responds the cashier.

"No thanks. Could I have some Jelly Tip?" replies the...

An Ice cream parlour was broken into near me

Apparently they made off with Hundreds and thousands

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What do you get when you have rough sex in an ice cream parlour?

A sore bae.

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Bill is sitting in the ladies beauty parlour waiting area....

A pretty woman came to him, pressed his shoulders gently & said: come let's go.

Bro Bill looked left & right, started sweating a bit & anticipating dire consequences said: I am married & waiting for my wife.

Lady: look carefully, it is me!

A Buddhist monk walks into a pizza parlour

He goes up to the man at the counter and says,

"Make me one with everything."

The man replies, "Is this some sort of joke?"

The two remain silent for awhile and the man realises it is not a joke. He then takes the order and for the next hour proceeds struggles to make a pizza wi...

What do you call a group of zombies in a funeral parlour?

Repeat customers.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour

and pulled himself slowly and painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No, he replied, "Arthritis."

Joe and Bob are sitting outside a cafe enjoying a couple cigars when a young boy walks out of the ice cream parlour right next door.

Joe says "see that kid over there, dumbest kid I ever met, watch this...." and he calls the kid over.

Joe puts 50 cents in one of his hands, and a dollar bill in the other and holds them both out to the boy. Joe says "which do you want, 50 cents, or a dollar?" The boy quickly snatches up the ...

Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all...

Well, her pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut crystal bowl sitting on top of ...

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An Irishman is walking along the beach when he finds a bottle. He picks it up and out pops a genie.

The genie says, “I’ll give you one wish.”

The Irishman says, “I wish I could piss Irish whiskey any time I wanted.”

The genie says, “You got it and passes him a glass.”

He pulls out his dick and pisses in the glass, takes a drink and says, “This is the best Irish whiskey I’ve ev...

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Two conmen are pretending to be massage therapists

After successfully conning someone they return to a shop they use as their massage parlour.

One day a cop shows up to investigate them, but one of them is out on lunch break.

When he returns he comes back to find that the massage parlour is filled with people and he turns to ask his pa...

A Man Goes for a Massage

A man decides to treat himself to a massage after a very long week and visits his local Thai massage parlour.

Everything is going well until about halfway through when he starts to get an erection. The very attractive masseuse notices his condition and asks him "You want tug tug?". What the...

One day, Mike went to get a tattoo.

The owner was outside and new guy at the parlour was Chinese.

Since he had always wanted to get a Chinese tattoo, Mike asked the new guy to do one for him on his arm.

To break the ice, the new guy said, "I'll tell you a joke".

They conversed a lot and got the tattoo done.
<...

John was returning from work when he remembered that today was his daughter's birthday...

There was still time so he decided to quickly drive and buy a gift for her.
He went to the local supermarket and headed straight to the toys section in search of a toy his daughter would cherish.

He found employee there and asked his advise on which Barbie doll would make the best gift. ...

A penguin was driving through Vegas

...when suddenly his car stopped working, so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there, the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot, so he asked the mechanic where he could cool down.

The me...

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Super sex NSFW

A man walks into a Thai massage parlour to get a full body massage, a lady comes and massages him all over the man gets the best massage of his life as the massage comes to an end the lady says to him would you like the “super sex “ he says he exhausted and hasn’t eaten all day and that he’ll take t...

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An English couple have a child

After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop norma...

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